I get wet without even trying!

Hey. Good afternoon and all that. Exciting times here. I signed my kid up for the ol’ gym n’ swim program today. He starts tomorrow. It’s gonna be me and a bunch of housewives and babies all in swimsuits in the pool. I’ve gotta imagine it’s gonna be pretty entertaining. Good lord. Um, what else is going on around here? Not much, honestly. The world is kicking back into gear and like everyone else I’m fucking reeling from all the parties and booze and junk food and so forth that’s just part and parcel with hanging around everyone you’re related to. Good heavens.
Speaking of heavens, did you guys hear the new Alkaline Trio song? Well, turns out, that if you watch it on Youtube, I’m the fucking dude that introduces it! Who knew? Not me, that’s for sure. You know what? This just feels wrong. I’m perched on an ottoman in my bedroom writing this for some reason. I’m almost always sitting at the kitchen table, but today I thought I’d kind of fuck around and see what’d happen if I wag my dick in the face of routine. Turns out, my back hurts. I’m moving to a comfortable chair.
Excuse me for a moment.

Okay, I’m back. And I’m much more comfortable. Also, I’m gonna take this opportunity to break my controversial silence (finally!) on the Andrew WK identity confusion thing that’s going on right now. Here’s the deal, for those of you who don’t know- AWK is a dude that wears lots of white, parties hard, and sings a lot about partying hard. He does some kicks, he does some air punching. His band is old men with rad sideburns and he also does some public speaking and motivational group sessions and shit like that. I heard that he gets a new white outfit for every tour and then never washes it. That’s neither here nor there, just kinda cool. Okay, so anyway, last week, Andrew ‘admitted’ that he’s not the real Andrew WK, or, more to the point, that Andrew WK is like the Green Lantern or The Queen of England, or Benji the Dog, in that it’s a post or a part, not a person. There’s apparently some guy with two first names who’s been running around the internet making all sorts of noise about the true identity of AWK or something and so Andrew recently held a press conference and said that he’s a different guy than the original AWK, he’s the second person playing AWK, and that AWK is, in fact, a persona concocted in a boardroom by him and his dad and several other entities, in an effort to make the best front man of a band ever. Yup. That’s what he said.
Here’s the thing though, man. Andrew WK is Andrew WK. His name is Andrew Wilkes-Krier. I don’t really know how else to say this. No dude. You’re Andrew WK. Even if (and this didn’t happen) there was some choach running around dressing like you for a while before you got famous, or even if someone else wrote your songs, or even if your persona was dreamed up in a boardroom [which I want to get back to in just a minute] you’re him. I’ve seen the fucking pictures of you, I’ve seen you live and I’ve even played a show with you. You’re you. YOU’RE FUCKING YOU!!!!! There is no fucking two ways about it. Cover of “I get Wet’: That’s you. That’s also your first album, with your name over the picture of your face. How are you not you? How?
Okay, and as for this boardroom thing…how the fuck were you and your dad in some sort of smoky room with decision and tastemakers before you were Andrew WK? Huh? Answer me that? Is it because you were somehow born into a secret, Davinci code like society? Masons? Is that it? Because otherwise, the way I see it, if you’re back there, making up this persona, naming it after you and bringing (of all the people) your DAD in on it, it’s because you appealed to the tastemakers as some sort of creative commodity. Therefore, you=you. And by the way, EVERYONE crafts their public persona. What do you think this blog is, man? I don’t really sit around with my mom and talk about felching and buttfucking. I’m taciturn and demure for fucks sake. SO, therefore, even if you ‘made up’ the persona, it’s STILL YOU. Ridiculous. The whole thing.
Now, that being said, I think Andrew WK is pretty rad, and I think this whole stupid stunt is pretty fucking awesome too. I mean, he’s got motherfuckers talking about him A LOT right now, and he’s coincidentally got a new record coming out. Pretty clever, mister WK, if that is your real name (it is). I’ve seen people say stupid things like “Ha! I knew this guy was bullshit! Glad I never got into him!” And to that I can only say ‘huh?’ He’s not your husband, dude. He’s an entertainer. Even if he WAS an imposter or whatever, it’s a show, a record and a tshirt we’re talking about here. That’s all. His identity has nothing to do with that. Menudo was a bunch of different kids. Does that make them bullshit? Okay, bad example, but you get my point. The idea of getting self righteous about some crazy hesher from Michigan’s latest ether-induced wacky scheme is a lot like getting bent out of shape at a bag of potato chips. It’s just perplexing and an irrelevant way to waste your energy.
In closing, Andrew WK is cool, whoever he is (he’s him) and that’s all I’m gonna say on that matter. Coming tomorrow: Tiger Woods and the fourteen or so ladies that love him.
Ta!