Friday, January 22, 2010

It opened up my eyes!

Okay you fucking smart ass. Look at this for a second.

shock1 [shok]
–noun
1.
a sudden and violent blow or impact; collision.
2.
a sudden or violent disturbance or commotion: the shock of battle.
3.
a sudden or violent disturbance of the mind, emotions, or sensibilities: The burglary was a shock to her sense of security. The book provided a shock, nothing more.
4.
the cause of such a disturbance: The rebuke came as a shock.
5.
Pathology. a collapse of circulatory function, caused by severe injury, blood loss, or disease, and characterized by pallor, sweating, weak pulse, and very low blood pressure. Compare anaphylactic shock, cardiogenic shock, hypovolemic shock.
6.
the physiological effect produced by the passage of an electric current through the body.
7.
shocks, Informal. shock absorbers, esp. in the suspension of an automobile.
–verb (used with object)
8.
to strike or jar with intense surprise, horror, disgust, etc.: He enjoyed shocking people.
9.
to strike against violently.
10.
to give an electric shock to.
–verb (used without object)
11.
to undergo a shock.
Origin:
1555–65; < MF choc armed encounter, n. deriv. of choquer to clash (in battle) < Gmc; cf. D schokken to shake, jolt, jerk
Know why I bring this up? Anyone? Well, yesterday one of my lovely socks suggested that my hyperbolic Avatar review (which, I’d like to add, was neither hyperbolic nor was it a review) contained the selfsame perversions of language that my very brother had railed against in the previous days comments section (check day before yesterday’s sock drawer and yesterday’s post and subsequent sock drawer if you need to be brought up to speed).
Well, firstly, dildo, I’d like to point out that in your haste to suggest that I may be igniting a family feud with my ignorance, you neglected to actually take into account that this definition of shock: “a sudden or violent disturbance of the mind, emotions, or sensibilities” AND this one: “to strike or jar with intense surprise, horror, disgust, etc” LITERALLY represent the emotions I was presented with, involuntarily, mind you, upon realizing that the most expensive and most successful movie of all time was laden with expository dialog so wooden and clumsy that it would be laughed out of a night school screen writing class. SO, therefore, you get the point, right? Right. Okay, no need to fight here. Just want to clarify. I don’t cotton to accusations of stupidity, espesh when I’m in the midst of a dialog about stupidity with my brother in the room. You’re trying to dog me out in front of my family, bro. Not cool. Now, they’re all presumably smart enough to recognize this dog and pony show mock trial that you’ve set up for me in the sock drawer for the banana republic monkey tribunal that it is, but, well, you understand, right? Good.
Okay. Moving on.

Today is my kids last day of school at the bite zone. He’s going to a real, nice scholastically oriented place where the vibe is less chaotic and maybe, hopefully, less conducive to biting other kids all day long. It’s a nicer place. It’s in a free standing school building instead of a store front in a strip mall, for one thing, and, well, I’m pretty stoked. Enough about kids. Let’s talk about what you really want to hear about, namely, my opinion of teen hearts.
Yesterday, in the sock drawer, beneath the suggestion that I don’t know how to properly exemplify my disgust in prose, was a suggestion that I discuss the Teen Hearts, who are, for those of you who don’t know, this fruity band of skinny androgynoids who play some sort of Strawberry shortcake by way of matt and kim synth dance music that’s undeniably catchy and would be completely dismissable as a bunch of dorks doing a less offensive brokencyde except for one thing: they’re a little too old to be doing it.
Okay, so brokencyde has the tubby dude with the combover in their band, so does teen hearts. Teen hearts also features a girl and a singer with an alkaline trio tattoo. Teen hearts ALSO (brace yourselves) seems like a joke to me. I don’t believe for a moment that it’s real. Those dudes are too old, it’s too manufactured and clean to just come out of the gates like that. There’s none of the trademark sloppy youthful exuberance that indicates genuine passion and excitement for finally getting out there and trying to get heard. It’s cold and calculated. I mean, that singer guy is close to my age. They cover ace of base. That means he REMEMBERS ace of base and knows how fucking goofy the situation around him is. It’s an elaborate ruse. That’s my opinion of the teen hearts. AND, if I’m right…well, they’re about the coolest group of people out there, honestly. Wait…Is that too hyperbolic? Maybe. Maybe so. Let’s tone it down. If I’m right…well, that’s pretty funny. How’s that? Better? Good.

There was a band called Hard Skin that was an oi band from England. We played with them on our first tour of the UK. They were all skinheads and so were their fans, EXCEPT, the dudes in the band weren’t really skin heads at all. They were regular guys who wrote all the music as a joke and were as surprised as anyone when it caught on. Their mongo fans, however, didn’t get the joke, which made for one of the most hilarious bits of live theater/rock and roll I’ve ever had the pleasure of witnessing as these dudes openly mocked a room of cheering, bloody skinheads who couldn’t stop loving them and had no idea that they were being made fun of. It was great, AND it truly was one of the best things I’ve ever seen, live show wise. No exaggeration.
So, if the teen hearts are like the fruity hard skin, well that’s rad.
I gotta go to work. Be cool out there.
Bye.

32 comments:

Candice said...

i love ace of base

Sean said...

hahaha, tubby guy with the combover....

Some Young Guy said...

the last couple days, i can't stop watching that fucking teen hearts video. my roommate probably thinks i'm listening to that shit with enjoyment.

i like to think that whoever directed the "hands in the air" video was the one playing the joke, and took the job just so he could make the stupidest video possible. the band is serious and none of them are in on the joke. they think the director is just this fun crazy dude and have no idea that he's actually making fun of them in their own video. wouldn't that be awesome????

dustyfloors said...

Teen Hearts, eh? Never heard of them. I now feel old. Awesome. I will have to check this band out when I get home from work.

Bridgett said...

I'm with Dustyfloors. This is the first time in my life I am hearing of this. Good thing I have the day of to spend on YouTube. Anything else I need to see? I already saw that Pants on the Ground shit, thanks Brett Favre.

JSIN said...

Hard Skin sounds like something I'd enjoy.

FranklinStein said...

Wow, my friend and I just discussed Teen Hearts last night and I argued that the band views it as a way to make a shit load of money; I think they see the ridiculousness of the act and for those who turn their noses up at them, it's Teen Hearts who are having the last laugh. Look at their influences on their myspace page for instance: The Golden Girls, The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, and Bill Cosby. What do they think they sound like? Skittles, Pop Tarts, and a slinky. I find it absolutely hilarious. I also find the whispering at the beginning of "Requiem Revisited" hilarious. Anyone else with me there?

Robb said...

Er, my comments yesterday were addressing how, in response to the video for the TH song 'Hands in the Air' having been postd on hipster-mocking site LATFH.com (the caption calling them "an adult contemporary version of Brokencyde"), Teen Hearts frontman Kelly Orr, who maintains the image and pretense of your typical tolerant, benevolent hipster cherub, saw fit to email the site's creator and call gim a 'nigger cunt' and 'faggot', which has since been immortalized on the site's main page, setting certain factions of interwed ablaze! He's allegedly written similar responses ("lil' cocksucking queen") via email/private message/wall posts to a multitude of detractors on youtube/myspace.

The 'all a ruse' theory occurred to me, as in "we're ironically making shitty music but still having the good business sense to make good money off teenyboppers on whom said irony is lost", so I guess between "ironic" use of faggot/nigger cunt and "ironic" shameless profiteering, Orr is, like, 2X clever.

FranklinStein said...

Also, I went to school with these assholes; they did this song/video as a joke, but as you can see with the comments, most people don't get the joke. They were around before Teen Hearts, but it's the same shit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzkB3dG1RN0

FranklinStein said...

Hmm, in light of how Orr responded to what LATFH.com said about his band's video as well as his postings on youtube and myspace, I find the asshole 70X more hilarious.

Banana@1000MPH said...

Robb,
I simply addressed that he say his views on Teen Hearts, but would, ideally have liked to hear his view on that racist/homophobic/sexist email. However, we are just baby birds waiting for Mama Brendan to regurgitate his digested words into our mouths...so I'll take whatever I get.

Robb said...

Oh definitely - I was mostly clarifying because from the way I worded yesterday it kind of looked like I just said "teen hearts lol" and then switched gears and talked about something unrelated.
I forgot most people don't hear Kelly Orr and think "Of course! Teen Hearts!"

Sickie27 said...

Never heard of Teen Hearts. But I'm gonna start a pop-punk band and write all my songs about you. Telling you advance so you know it's not a joke.

Donnie said...

teen hearts at the disco

Blake said...

Robb- I forgot most people don't hear Kelly Orr and think "Of course! Teen Hearts!"

That made me laugh for a long time.

charlie said...

Does Hard Skin still play? They were definitely one the greatest live bands I've seen. They made fun of all fans, and the rest of the bands playing the show, with accents!

jbody said...

I knew I should have put in the part about you being completely right with shocked.I checked a blog thats literally dedicated to the word literally before I posted.I was ironically trying to say i didnt want any more grammer talk on bsc because I just dont dig it.clearly.Instead I got called a dildo and turned the first couple paragraphs of todays post into what I was unsuccessfully trying to rail against.The whole "is that ironic" bit in the post was meant to imply the ruler smacking may be unjustified.fuck/,this is boring.You did give a critical evaluation that used obvious exaggeration so how thats not a hyperbolic review I dont know.You came of age in the 80s and 90s like myself you have heard way more sappy,clunky ass dialogue, hell probably in the james cameron canon.P.S.we should be together too....

Break said...

hard skin played in brighton with D4 last month, it was mega fun. talk about the uk more.

James said...

jbody, I can't help but think "hyperbolic" is a very recent addition to your vocabulary and you are just trying to show it off.

Some Young Guy said...

hard skin has some good jams. i don't care if they're kidding/making fun, they had to be devoted to it on some level to keep that shit going and their songs were catchy as fuck.

Robb said...

Blake - I try to bring the smiles

JSin - you didn't wake up expecting to hear hed(PE) huh? hah

James - being related I can testify JBody has known the word hyperbolic for the better part of the millenium. He's my age. When BK drops a big boy word do you suspect he just acquired it and is flaunting, or do you not think twice of it? Ah.

Robb said...

"Better part of the millenium"? I mean this decade n shit. Well you know what I mean

Blake said...

I just learned what hyperbole meant about a month ago.

Also Robb, I have a tiny suspicion that you creep the other sock drawer. If so, you should contribute, even though I probably won't understand most things you say.

Stizzy said...

who the fuck is brokencyde?

Bridgett said...

Mr. Kelly, why are you playing with Medina Lake, or whatever the shit they're called?

kylewagoner said...

I found this a while back and laughed quite a bit.

"i saw matt skiba walking down hollywood blvd... and he bent over to tie his shoe, and the ass of his pants ripped right in half... you could see his butt cheeks and stuff.... he has the hairiest ass in this universe.... keep rocking king kong... their next album should be called... i need to shave my ass!!"

-Anonymous (unfortunately)


Hmm...This Addiction/I Need to Shave My Ass. I'm sure they had a hard time deciding...

love,
Kyle

Sean said...

Man, the new Alkaline Trio record is amazing!

I can't stop listening to it.

jbody said...

Brendan psuedo feud with me reminded me of being reprimanded along with robb and others for fighting online in a pathetically dorky manner.Thats how you roll bren?Smart ass?dildo?a grammar lesson to boot.some murky stuff about 'dogging you' while your bro was watching?That shit looked like an email from a surly mid western baseball coach that happens to also teach english.dine dine my darling shares its melody with goodbye earl by the dixie chicks but yeah i really enjoy the new trio record

Candice said...

don't be a dick

jbody said...

ok candice.dine dine only sounds faintly like the dixie chicks tune and its probably just a case of great minds thinking alike not outright thievery.

Sean said...

dude, that just makes "Dine, Dine" THAT much better!

Lead Poisoning is amazing.

Jacob William said...

I was under the impression that the Chicago sappy mall-punk band 2*Sweet started out in a similar way. They were trying to make fun of all those bands with a super high-pitched nasaly lead singer that sing about nothing but girls and heart break all the time (see: Fall Out Boy, New Found Glory, et. al.) But, they caught on, and no one got the joke, so they ran with it.

I can't figure out who is the worse party in situations like these, the "fans" who don't get the joke in the first place, or the "band" that keeps it up. From what I've heard, at least Hard Skin continues to treat the whole thing like a joke. 2*Sweet stated taking themselves seriously for the sake of fans and money...