Tuesday, April 13, 2010

ah, back to the mind numbing reality of being useless

Okay, so it’s Tuesday. Last night I went to a pretty hilarious bar/club type place to see about getting a job. I felt, erm…uh…old in there, to say the least. Lots of headbands and neon sleeveless v neck shirts and lots of people dancing really jerkily to kind of attempt to mask how awkward and insecure they were clearly feeling. I’m sure that place turns into an everyone-find-someone-to-fingerbang-in-the-bathrooms type place about one am, but I took off before that bell tolled, thankfully.

I was there to meet a manager, but I couldn’t find her. I hung out and asked around for her for about an hour and then, faced with the impossibly early morning that is part and parcel with having a child, I pulled the ripcord and went home. Every person I asked said the same thing: “oh, she should be here. I’m sure she’s around,” but that wasn’t the case at all. Oh well. Stupid failure. There’s probably a lesson to be gleaned from trying and failing, right? Probably. I dunno. I’ll figure it out another time.

As of now, I’m still unemployed. I’m in workout clothes and my kid’s watching Jack’s Big Music Show in his pajamas. Just got an extension on our taxes. I’m tired from hanging out with a bunch of hipsters…no. that’s not right. I’m tired from standing in the same room as a bunch of hipsters. I didn’t so much as make eye contact with any of the patrons of that place. Not that they seemed like bad kids. Just…huh. I gotta imagine that I seemed like a creepy old dude. Regardless, the end result is today I’m feeling a little bit useless. Also, I keep reliving my Saturday in my head, which was pretty fucking intense. Here’s the story:

My kid got up at 645. I got up with him and let my old lady sleep in. We cruised down the road and got some coffee and then went to a playground. Then we went and did some off-road downhill stroller race stuff that was pretty cool for a while and then we headed back to the little playground right by our house to do a little last minute climb/swing type shit before breakfast.

Well, at this point, it’s about 745 in the morning. My kid is on this series of metal blocks that sort of resemble a large area of indeterminate Escher-esque stairs and he stepped off one, missed the one he was trying to step on and wound up tumbling down these metal steps, got flung onto the monkey bar platform, bounced off that and hit the ground. It was gnarly. Not the worst fall in the world. I wasn’t concerned that he was dead or anything, but it looked like it hurt pretty good.

He started to cry and I picked him up and that’s when shit got a little bit crazy. When I picked him up, I realized that he was bleeding. I realized this because his entire chin and neck were so covered in goopy red that I couldn’t see his skin, and his jacket and shirt had blood ringing the neck out to the shoulders. This huge amount of blood escaped from this kid in under two seconds.

So yeah, shit was terrifying.

I ran him home and threw him in the tub and when all the blood was off it was revealed that he had a pretty decent gash under his chin. I put a band aid on him, but he wasn’t really having it, so I had to wear a band aid on my chin too all day, you know, in solidarity. I felt like Nelly. (remember nelly?)

After his nap, there was this yellow fat cell thing just kind of hanging out of the hole in his chin, so my old lady and I decided maybe to go down to the hospital to get him patched up.

Everyone has been telling me that they glue kids up now. That sounds okay. We get there and the doctor says, ‘nah. That’s gotta be sutured.”

Know how they stitch up a baby’s face? Let me tell you: they strap his head and body to a board and then they give him nine shots of lydocane in the chin and then they just go in and sew him. He screams the whole time. His dad becomes very pale and dizzy and the doctor looks at the dad and says “dude, you’re already pretty pale. How bout you wait outside.”

Dad almost passes out in the hallway. Dad talks to an 82 year old woman to kind of take his mind off the screaming terror/torture sounds coming from behind the hanging sheet that’s like 8 feet away. Dad is actually feeling dizzy RIGHT NOW just recalling this shit.

Kid comes out of the whole thing just fine and gets to eat taco bell and ice cream as a reward for going through Civil War style surgery.

Lemme tell you, you need some sort of exciting way to fill your day and get your blood flowing, just poke a hole in your kid and watch the doctors in the ER fix him up. Better than coffee and an apple. No shit.

Glad that’s done, to be honest.

Oh, and the other night I saw K’naan. He was incredible. I feel pretty bad for Wale, who had to go on after him, as there is NO WAY that anyone could follow K’naan’s last tune. He did this version of Wavin’ Flag that absolutely blew my mind. One of the most captivating live performances in recent memory, for sure. Am I rambling? Well, fuck, man, there’s lots going on.

Whatever. I’m going to the gym. Fuck all y’all.

22 comments:

Scott said...

Why is the neon, v-neck, headbanded hipster trend so prevalent right now? Everywhere I go, I walk in, see that shit and then want to leave. It seems like they are everywhere and either look like the '80s threw up all over them or they are trying to dress sophisticated with ugly dresses/blazers/sweaters that I can not tell if the ugliness is intended to be ugly or if they actually like it...

Donnie said...

do you sweat off your juggalo paint at the gym or just wait till you get home to put it on?

dustyfloors said...

Do band-aid stay on well with your face painted like a juggalo?

Honsetly though I just looked up some Nelly videos on youtube. I remember that fucking guy. The worst thing was that he did a song with Tim McGraw... I think. Some dumb country dude like that though for sure.

Drew said...

Whatever you have done more in the last ten years than most musicians aspire to in a life time... so fuck it! Also, one of my most terrifying and potent memories as a child is the image of the doctor behind my head, me being strapped down to a table, and my mom literally having to hold my head still so that the doctor wouldn't sew my eyelids shut or some shit. Suffice it to say, I HATE STITCHES!

Crooks said...

BK, what's up with you and TOBias Industries and JBTV?

word: ruttholu.
There's something there...

Banana@1000MPH said...

Not quite juggalos, but have you heard of "kigurumi"? It's like furries except instead of dressing up like cartoon animals, they dress up like cartoon people.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HiOsxZ5Dcm0

That video isn't THAT inappropriate, but you don't want to be caught watching it by anyone...just as a warning.

Jake Regier said...

Never gotten sutures. There's just something fucked up about being a human quilt. I cut a good part of the tip of my pinky off at work on Friday and just butterfly bandaged that shit back together. I gotta say it feels pretty masculine, but I can't throttle any assholes with it anytime soon.

And then I remember they sutured me for my wisdom teeth. Assholes.

Jake Regier said...

PS I'm poopin'.

planespotting said...

It seems like every parent but my own has had to go through some kind of terrible hospital-stitching incident with one of their kids. I had to have surgery on my junk when I was 5, but it's not like my parents were in the operating room or anything.

According to legend, when my fiancee and her sister were little girls (long before I knew them), they were running about the house as little girls do, when the sister tripped, fell and busted open her face pretty good. They all went to the hospital, where of course the parents had to endure the same kind of agony that Mr. Kelly speaks of here: Kid strapped down to the table and screaming in terrible pain, parents standing by as the child looks up pleading with them to make it stop, but they can't because even though the pain is terrible they also know that it's in their kid's best interest to not have a huge gash/flap of skin hanging off its face for the rest of its life.

Is Candice around? What's it like for the docs/nurses that have to perform civil war surgery on these poor kids?

Nico said...

Waving Flag is bitchin. It's the official song of the World Cup, I can't fucking wait!

Moxie. said...

wearing a band-aid in solidarity might be the cutest thing, ever.

Shannon said...

Hey where'd you get your juggalo face paint I just quit my job, I'll paint that shit up and we'll be twinsies

dustyfloors said...

I forgot to mention the stiches part. I got all caught up in the Nelly part of the post...

I had to get a bunch to close the back of my freakin skull.I was trying to do a backflip on the couch and misjudged the landing. Smacked the corner of the coffee table and after mom sat me down in the bathroom she looked at her hand (that was on the back of my head) and it was completely soaked with my blood. I imagine she knows how you feel.
I myself, know how your child feels.

Word: pentris

Candice said...

i stitched together someone's chin a few months ago and it was the scariest shit i've ever done.

Kevin Burnett said...

Getting stitches has to be pretty terrifying for a toddler. I can also imagine it's miserable for the parent as well. For the rest of us? Come on, socks....sack up a little bit. I thought we were made of tougher stuff.

Robb said...

What IS it with little kids bleeding so profusely? Is their blood much thinner or something?

Without googling I assume kigurumi consists of highly intelligent and perfectly acceptable looking early-20s japanese girls ruining their lives dressing as pokemon. Le sigh~...playin, normal sigh. none of that faux-french hipster horeshit

kylewagoner said...

Kids sound scary as shit...but I'm sure they mature you real fast...

Karen Kitten Cupcake Sweet said...

somehow i've never had stitches, broken or sprained anything or had to go the hospital ( other than to get born, i suppose)
i think i have only had my blood taken a few times.

i did watch my brother get 60 stitches in his knee though. it was pretty frozen, so he couldnt feel it, but it looked discusting!

Sean said...

Brendan, PLEASE comment on this in your next post... SUPERHEROES.... it's so bizarre haha

http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/evildoers_nyc_own_superheroes_beware_C07qjscAB2eh34P1CsUOCO#ixzz0kz45tGWj

Owner Operator said...

we need to see you in jug paint. pics man pics!

Owner Operator said...

oh oh!!! ive got one. listen to me everyone!!!
so my bro was at a club. got punched from behind and fell down a set of stairs. all bleeding inside the skull and what not. almost died, had to be put in a coma etc yadda yadda. had to learn to walk and eat again...

anyways. to save him they operate on him... something like drilling holes in his skull to drain out the blood or something. but point of the story is stitches right... well in this case STAPLES (!!!!!) yep... 52 of them. YES FIVE TWO, FIFTYTWO! craziest thing i've ever seen...

dgibby said...

You trying to get a job at Debonair? What an awkward place to hang out at, hipster girls can be hot but I've seen my share of homeless people hanging outside of that place. They kind of look like hipsters.