everything's magic, y'all!

When I need to gauge how successful my life has been up to now, I tend to look at people my age from the places I’m from and see how I match up with them. I don’t think of it as competition, more just a little bit of good old fashioned stock taking. And listen, I’m not talking about some dipshit from my highschool class being a surgeon or anything lame like that. That’s a ridiculous way to torture yourself.

I mean, there are lots of factors at play there, not the least of which is my aversion to blood. I don’t care about ‘money’ or ‘respect’ (obviously), especially when the endgame is me removing tumors from someone’s liver. Ick. No thanks. I’d rather live in a room with a shared toilet at the YMCA.

No, there are a couple of guys that I like to compare myself to, just to make sure I’m on track. Cool guys, motivated guys, guys who are interested in the same general things as me, and guys that are from similar backgrounds and of a similar age. I figure if I stack my life up against theirs and I still look okay, then I’m doing all right. Get it? Good. Well, you’re in luck because it just so happens that this is my morning of stock taking. So here’s what I’m gonna do: brief rundown of who the guy is followed by how they’re doing, followed by how I’m doing, a little quick comparison and then we’re done, cool?

Good.

Up first, Nelly. Nelly and I lived within about three blocks from each other in St. Louis when I was a little kid (pre 10) and I’m about two or three years older than him. So, what’s he been up to? Well, he’s retired due to the massive popularity of the “I’ma wear a bandaid under my eye” trend. He’s also famously had to keep all his jewels on while banging so hoes don’t gank his shit (that means steal his rings and/or monocles). Also he’s super rich and successful, hence being retired.

I uh…I don’t need to get into what I’ve done recently, do I? Uh…I have a blog. I’ve done some reading. Used to be a bartender…uh, Oh! I host a music video show. Maybe I should get nelly on there and we can really go head to head. Since he seems to be in the lead, music career wise, I’ll pick the topic: “Hey Nelly!” I may ask, “What do you think is the significance of the eels in the Tin Drum? Could you draw a correlation to the eels from Grass’s work and Vonnegut’s tralfamadorians in terms of their perception by and relevance to the underdeveloped heroes of the two novels/ German and American armies respectively?”

See, the thing is, I don’t even know if that’s an essay worth writing, and I’ve really got no reason to believe that Nelly wouldn’t do at least as well as I would (though, I’d LOVE to hear him expound on something like this, honestly). No, this whole thing is getting a little weird. I mean, I’m sitting here trying to justify my poor showing in this head to head by suggesting that I’m somehow on the same plane as Nelly because I presumably know the ins and outs of two of my favorite books a little better than he might. Pathetic. I doubt he’s doing that to me on his blog….

Sigh. Edge: Nelly

Okay, next guy:

Kanye West is my age and he’s from Chicago just like me. Unlike Nelly, West is still working, however, also unlike Nelly, West is one of the most successful, influential and wealthy artists of all time. He’s also a raging dingus. Honestly, I don’t really compare to him that well either. He’s in videos with Pam Anderson. I just spent the weekend interviewing Max Bemis and Tom Delonge.

Oh, you want to hear about that instead?

Fine, let’s talk about it. Tom Delonge is only one year older than me and Bemis is only like 26!!!!! And they’re playing at the fucking Aragon. I’m an unemployed father of two, riding my bike in the rain to ask them about their various ‘intentionalities’ like ANYONE cares about that shit.

Nah, listen, this was all just a big segue into me telling you guys about my interview with Delonge. It’s the first time I’ve ever interviewed someone and I did it with my pal Toby. Before the interview we talked and while we were trying to formulate questions we realized that he’s such a crazy nut and he’s taken so many lumps in the press that it’s probably pretty hard for him not to be defensive in interviews and putting someone on the ropes isn’t really a good interview. It’s easy, it’s rude and it never works out well. That’s pathetic dick flexing by a dumb journalist. Sure, it’s fun for a few smug dipshits, but think about it. Great interviews are always done with a semblance of respect even if the interviewer HATES the person they’re interviewing (think Borat if you need an example). Antagonistic interviews are like that one that the Latina chick on Inside Edition did with “Bombshell” McGee. It only served to emphasize what a smug and angry bitch the interviewer was, and that’s a bad interview since McGee is, you know, a homewrecking Nazi.

No, a good interview is like the playboy john mayer interview, where you let someone get comfortable and say stupid, stupid things. And to that end, we asked Tom, very respectfully about the arching scope of Angels and Airwaves, aliens, the future, the titanium pods that the galactic history of the human race is recorded in and pigeons, and he responded with very earnest, very goofy notions and phrases like ‘galactic esoteric symbolism’ which is, you know, pretty funny coming out of the mouth of the dude who played on Take Off Your Pants and Jacket.

It’s all gonna be available on JBTV soon enough. Toby asked the best questions, but I was there too, and together we went on a journey through space and time with one of the wackiest bastards I’ve ever spent any time with.

Compared to him, I’m doing all right, I think.

Now Bemis…that’s another story for another day.