Shameless promotional material below

Hey hey! First things first: I host a show with my trusty steed Toby Jeg of Red Scare Industries. It’s called “Static Age” and it follows the tried and true model of success that is the video dj show. From MTV to uh…I dunno, what else has proven that playing videos isn’t a viable way to keep people watching tv? VH1? FUSE? MuchMusic USA? Or was that last one’s kiss of death just the deep seeded hatred of all things Canadian? I don’t know…Point is, over at JBTV we’re not listening to history and we’re trying it again! And Toby and I host the single greatest hour of punk rock themed videos on the earth. Check out episode 2 over at jbtvonline.com. I think it’s pretty funny, but what do I know? After all, I host a music video show.

Hey, and that reminds me, I know lots of important folks out there read this here blog, as I’m nothing if not a cutting edge tastemaker, at least when it comes to new words for jizz (the latest: frosted tinkle) and as such, there are people in bands and people who run record labels that are out there currently reading. To you folks I say “Listen up! Bug your label or if you’re the person at the label, send in your videos to JBTV and we’ll play them on our show! We’ll even make jokes about your appearance!”

Now, keep in mind that if you’re not in a good band, or your label is terrible, I’m not really talking to you, so uh…I dunno. Keep trying or whatever it is people say to losers to keep them from getting discouraged (which is really cruel, because let’s face it, your crappy band isn’t getting any better. You shouldn’t waste your youth like this…I know from experience, pal), but if you’re, say, Ryan Young from Off With Their Heads, hey dildo! Send us some fucking videos and we’ll play the shit out of them. All the garbage men and insomniacs and cokeheads around Chicago will be humming along to your jams in no time!

Okay, speaking of Off With Their Heads, I just heard the new tune from their Epitaph debut and it’s pretty fucking rocking. I searched the internet to see what the losers were saying about it and I can’t say I was shocked. I mean, after all, most people are so fucking stupid that it defies all logic, but some of the consensus was absolutely stunning. I don’t see how you can physically type and breathe and be that stupid all at the same time.

Here’s what I mean: Overwhelmingly, the song was received positively and there were tons and tons of “aaaaaaw fuckin’ yeah!”’s being thrown around, which is pretty much the camp that I fall into. The criticisms, however, were pretty uniformly concerned with this amazing gap in logic that I’ll get to in a moment…but first:

For those of you who don’t know and are starting to feel left out, Off With Their Heads is a band of stinky men from Minneapolis who play uh…very dark pop punk. Death and depression and drug abuse and misanthropy are some prevalent themes and Ryan, who’s the singer/songwriter guy, sings like he’s been gargling barbed wire schlongs and smoking cigarettes dipped in kerosene. They’re awesome. And they just signed to Epitaph, which will presumably hook them up pretty good, which is great, since they’re a hard working band and they’ve been doing it for a while. Here’s a link to the new song.

Okay, we’re all caught up now? Good.

Here’s what the mongo patrol is saying about the new OWTH song (paraphrased): “Dude, I don’t believe he’s singing clean. Epitaph totally made them change their sound! That’s fucked up! They’re trying to appeal to a big audience. Oh well, another one bites the dust, duh duh duh (drools) doye doye doye.”

Let’s just talk about this for a moment, shall we (I know, we JUST went through this!)

Firstly, if the label signed them based on liking how they sound, WHY IN THE FUCKING WORLD WOULD THEY WANT THEM TO CHANGE THAT SOUND? That doesn’t make ANY FUCKING SENSE AT ALL!

Secondly, Ryan has a fucking raspy and throaty voice, for sure. Ever think that the reason for switching it up a little may have to do with pushing himself/experimenting, doing what’s best for the song and yes, even (and probably mostly) confounding expectations and pissing humorless dipshits off on purpose? I mean, fuck. Listen to the song. It’s brutal. There’s no punches pulled there. If you think that a few bars of clean singing hides the lyrics or uh, the rest of the song, well, you’ve got a very strange view of how people hear music. That’s all I’ll say about that, except if you haven’t checked out these dudes yet, do yourself a favor.

Finally, we’ve got a broken hearted sock in the drawer (which is code for ‘we’ve got a broken hearted reader commenting in the comments section’ for those of you who don’t know the BSC lexicon) named, ahem, Balls, Yo! You can check out his advice query in yesterday’s sock drawer (comments section).

A:

Well, Balls yo, here’s what I think:

You’ve got a really, really good handle on what’s going on. Things like “I need to ask her about her day more” are things that realistically almost any guy could say to anyone at any time regarding their girlfriend/wife/24 hour slave/whatever. To throw out a completely sexist generalization, it’s like a woman saying she probably doesn’t give as many blowjobs to her husband as he probably wants. No shit. That’s just kind of the way it is. Now, there’s a true lack of empathy that lots of dudes give off to their gals, just like there are girls that never ever give their guys bjs, and these are reasons to cut the cord and move on, but it sounds to me like you’re at least conscientious enough to say something like “I do know we need to slow down more often and I need to just look straight at her and ask more about her day and listen patiently…” so you’re probably not, you know, like The Situation or whatever creepy turd you’d rather insert there that treats women absolutely horribly.

No, sounds to me like her life is hectic and she’s using a tried and true defense mechanism: the vague emotional complaint, in order to try to get some footing. She wants to move out. Oh yeah, that means you guys are done, at least for now. The fact is, it sounds to me like she’s kind of in a desperate situation. Who moves out of their place when they don’t need to in the middle of med school? That’s what you do when you’re panicking (or someone’s beating the shit out of you or something like that, I suppose).

It sounds to me, simply, like she’s gotta collect her shit a bit. Does that suck for you? Big time. Are you gonna continue to barf up your bagels? Oh yeah. Is it gonna take longer than you ever thought possible to get perspective on this thing? For sheezy.

Put the wedding plans on hold, let her go about her business and don’t act like a desperate clingy weirdo. She’s begging you for space, because she doesn’t seem to know where else to push (very amateur assessment based on a very short, single perspective letter, keep in mind) so give it to her and hope for the best. There’s no magic way out of this one. Once her head clears she’ll either go “Man, I don’t believe I almost married someone named Balls, yo” or she’ll say “Oh my god! I pushed away my best friend because I was so overwhelmed and he was gracious and selfless and let me figure this shit out on my own and man, I need to get him back asap.”

That’s about all I can tell you, bud.
Good luck.

Holy shit! Why is this all blue and huge? I have no idea what's going on...It's the rapture, folks. Ta. It's been real.