Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Shameless promotional material below

Hey hey! First things first: I host a show with my trusty steed Toby Jeg of Red Scare Industries. It’s called “Static Age” and it follows the tried and true model of success that is the video dj show. From MTV to uh…I dunno, what else has proven that playing videos isn’t a viable way to keep people watching tv? VH1? FUSE? MuchMusic USA? Or was that last one’s kiss of death just the deep seeded hatred of all things Canadian? I don’t know…Point is, over at JBTV we’re not listening to history and we’re trying it again! And Toby and I host the single greatest hour of punk rock themed videos on the earth. Check out episode 2 over at I think it’s pretty funny, but what do I know? After all, I host a music video show.

Hey, and that reminds me, I know lots of important folks out there read this here blog, as I’m nothing if not a cutting edge tastemaker, at least when it comes to new words for jizz (the latest: frosted tinkle) and as such, there are people in bands and people who run record labels that are out there currently reading. To you folks I say “Listen up! Bug your label or if you’re the person at the label, send in your videos to JBTV and we’ll play them on our show! We’ll even make jokes about your appearance!”

Now, keep in mind that if you’re not in a good band, or your label is terrible, I’m not really talking to you, so uh…I dunno. Keep trying or whatever it is people say to losers to keep them from getting discouraged (which is really cruel, because let’s face it, your crappy band isn’t getting any better. You shouldn’t waste your youth like this…I know from experience, pal), but if you’re, say, Ryan Young from Off With Their Heads, hey dildo! Send us some fucking videos and we’ll play the shit out of them. All the garbage men and insomniacs and cokeheads around Chicago will be humming along to your jams in no time!

Okay, speaking of Off With Their Heads, I just heard the new tune from their Epitaph debut and it’s pretty fucking rocking. I searched the internet to see what the losers were saying about it and I can’t say I was shocked. I mean, after all, most people are so fucking stupid that it defies all logic, but some of the consensus was absolutely stunning. I don’t see how you can physically type and breathe and be that stupid all at the same time.

Here’s what I mean: Overwhelmingly, the song was received positively and there were tons and tons of “aaaaaaw fuckin’ yeah!”’s being thrown around, which is pretty much the camp that I fall into. The criticisms, however, were pretty uniformly concerned with this amazing gap in logic that I’ll get to in a moment…but first:

For those of you who don’t know and are starting to feel left out, Off With Their Heads is a band of stinky men from Minneapolis who play uh…very dark pop punk. Death and depression and drug abuse and misanthropy are some prevalent themes and Ryan, who’s the singer/songwriter guy, sings like he’s been gargling barbed wire schlongs and smoking cigarettes dipped in kerosene. They’re awesome. And they just signed to Epitaph, which will presumably hook them up pretty good, which is great, since they’re a hard working band and they’ve been doing it for a while. Here’s a link to the new song.

Okay, we’re all caught up now? Good.

Here’s what the mongo patrol is saying about the new OWTH song (paraphrased): “Dude, I don’t believe he’s singing clean. Epitaph totally made them change their sound! That’s fucked up! They’re trying to appeal to a big audience. Oh well, another one bites the dust, duh duh duh (drools) doye doye doye.”

Let’s just talk about this for a moment, shall we (I know, we JUST went through this!)

Firstly, if the label signed them based on liking how they sound, WHY IN THE FUCKING WORLD WOULD THEY WANT THEM TO CHANGE THAT SOUND? That doesn’t make ANY FUCKING SENSE AT ALL!

Secondly, Ryan has a fucking raspy and throaty voice, for sure. Ever think that the reason for switching it up a little may have to do with pushing himself/experimenting, doing what’s best for the song and yes, even (and probably mostly) confounding expectations and pissing humorless dipshits off on purpose? I mean, fuck. Listen to the song. It’s brutal. There’s no punches pulled there. If you think that a few bars of clean singing hides the lyrics or uh, the rest of the song, well, you’ve got a very strange view of how people hear music. That’s all I’ll say about that, except if you haven’t checked out these dudes yet, do yourself a favor.

Finally, we’ve got a broken hearted sock in the drawer (which is code for ‘we’ve got a broken hearted reader commenting in the comments section’ for those of you who don’t know the BSC lexicon) named, ahem, Balls, Yo! You can check out his advice query in yesterday’s sock drawer (comments section).


Well, Balls yo, here’s what I think:

You’ve got a really, really good handle on what’s going on. Things like “I need to ask her about her day more” are things that realistically almost any guy could say to anyone at any time regarding their girlfriend/wife/24 hour slave/whatever. To throw out a completely sexist generalization, it’s like a woman saying she probably doesn’t give as many blowjobs to her husband as he probably wants. No shit. That’s just kind of the way it is. Now, there’s a true lack of empathy that lots of dudes give off to their gals, just like there are girls that never ever give their guys bjs, and these are reasons to cut the cord and move on, but it sounds to me like you’re at least conscientious enough to say something like “I do know we need to slow down more often and I need to just look straight at her and ask more about her day and listen patiently…” so you’re probably not, you know, like The Situation or whatever creepy turd you’d rather insert there that treats women absolutely horribly.

No, sounds to me like her life is hectic and she’s using a tried and true defense mechanism: the vague emotional complaint, in order to try to get some footing. She wants to move out. Oh yeah, that means you guys are done, at least for now. The fact is, it sounds to me like she’s kind of in a desperate situation. Who moves out of their place when they don’t need to in the middle of med school? That’s what you do when you’re panicking (or someone’s beating the shit out of you or something like that, I suppose).

It sounds to me, simply, like she’s gotta collect her shit a bit. Does that suck for you? Big time. Are you gonna continue to barf up your bagels? Oh yeah. Is it gonna take longer than you ever thought possible to get perspective on this thing? For sheezy.

Put the wedding plans on hold, let her go about her business and don’t act like a desperate clingy weirdo. She’s begging you for space, because she doesn’t seem to know where else to push (very amateur assessment based on a very short, single perspective letter, keep in mind) so give it to her and hope for the best. There’s no magic way out of this one. Once her head clears she’ll either go “Man, I don’t believe I almost married someone named Balls, yo” or she’ll say “Oh my god! I pushed away my best friend because I was so overwhelmed and he was gracious and selfless and let me figure this shit out on my own and man, I need to get him back asap.”

That’s about all I can tell you, bud.
Good luck.

Holy shit! Why is this all blue and huge? I have no idea what's going on...It's the rapture, folks. Ta. It's been real.


Jayzilla said...

i hope i clean the office in 5 minutes using the same tactic*

*note to my employer whom may be monitoring my internet usage: "not really"

balls yo said...

My real name is Bobby.
Yeah, yesterday I took some of my things while she was home and told her I was going to stay at my sisters to give her some space. I have only text and called once and am not going to do anything crazy or contact her until she comes to me. Thanks for the advice.

@Candice, 1st year med student, 3rd quarter. I told her everything I feel and hope she realizes after finals this week how much she is blowing her situation out of context. Thanks for your kind words.

Love ya socks.

dustyfloors said...

The huge blue letters almost made me throw up my bagel.

Also, I saw the first ep of "Static Age" and found it very comical. Especially when you mentioned the "Every Time I Rye" shirt. Laughter.

myassisapipebomb said...

ryan said this album was going to sound different from everything else (sweet) way before they even signed to epitaph.
the dudes at epitaph said they signed OWTH because they wanted to basically fund the band so they'd be able to DO more music.
the new song is fucking great. the album will be fucking great. and people who will criticize it clearly don't know OWTH's progression of music. listen to their early stuff where there is mostly clean singing, keyboards, and less hateful lyrics. it's fucking good!!

nice on giving props to a band like OWTH that actually deserves it and not gaslight anthem.

TheEvilNarwhale said...

They played that song and at least another new one at Harvest of Hope and they went over rather well if I remember right. I dig it. I also like the new preorder thing epitaph is doing. Shirt and cd for 18 bucks? I'm down.

planespotting said...

Interesting photo on the home page ... is that your creepy skeleton hand on Toby's shoulder?

FranklinStein said...

you guys should check out ryan young's page. here he's really singing clean. it's good.

still, he has the best growl in pop punk if you ask me.

Sickie27 said...

Whatever, the new OWTH song is great recorded AND live. And everyone who thinks otherwise can Foff.

Eddie said...

so while we're on the topic of switching up vocals, i liked the "normal" vocals you used on some of the songs on wasted potential. don't get me wrong, i love your usual raspy stuff too, but do you think you'll be using more of it in the future? do you have a preference one over the other?

FranklinStein said...

@ eddie: i'm betting that with each new release, he'll sing in his "clean" voice more and more until he exclusively uses said voice or it will just get raspier and raspier, much like Tom Waits. his vocals on the falcon lp kick ass, but then again, he could utilize his clean voice and start a lucero-type band that would likely be pretty successful. he would just have to go a bit easy on the rasp. oh, and i realize that ben nichols has a raspy, whiskey-soaked voice, but not like bk's. bk's is snotty, which wouldn't transfer well in the alt-country world. his cleaner voice, however, would.

Sean said...

"Holy shit! Why is this all blue and huge? I have no idea what's going on"

....... that's what she said?

Robb said...

Speaking of Ben Nichols, anyone seen Shotgun Stories? It's directed by a fella named Jeff Nichols, and Ben Nichols wrote a few tunes for it, so I've been trying to figure out if they're related? Anyone know?

Seagull Steve said...

I cant tell if that Souls video is supposed to be incredibly cheesey and bad on purpose or not. It also seems that Toby has found his comfort zone in front of a camera.

Has someone started a band called "Teenage Death Boys" yet?

Jody said...

Shotgun Stories is directed by Ben's brother Jeff Nichols. Great movie. His next movie "Goat" was written by David Gordon Green.

Brittany Strummer said...

I was watching JBTV and it froze during the live footage of Bad Brains. My night is ruined.

Robb said...

Aha! Had a hunch they were brothers. Yeah David Gordon Green is great too

dgibby said...

Is this a good use of Illegal Immigrants?

Anonymous said...

your impersonation of anti flag's drummer made my day, AGAIN.

you should do one of those every show,every great show in history behaves like that, like seinfeld with Superman appearing every episode somewhere behind.or Oprah with Oprah herself (really? that was a lame joke dude...)

keep those episodes cumming!(i'm better than justin sane)