Isn't this hilarious!?

Hey hey! It’s morning and for some reason I’m awake. I should really start staying in bed. That’s the move for the unemployed innit? Sure it is. Wake up about two, put some whiskey in some coffee, watch TMZ, eat some ice cream, whack off, take a break, have some cheetos and then have a shower, whack off again, make some phone calls to some people and overstate the scope of my ambitious day (“oh, I’ve been checking the ‘help wanted’ section and you know, putting stuff together for my portfolio, but right now I’m just having some cheetos”) have a beer, go out for a walk, stop in a bar, [scene missing], wake up about two…and so on.

I’ve been thinking about the crazies lately…there was this pretty heinous crime that went down in Chicago over the weekend. Two young girls, 23 and 24 were walking home from a bar around 330 am when some dude came up behind them and beat them severely with a baseball bat, took their wallets and cel phones and left them to die under a viaduct. This took place about six hundred yards from the bar that fired me. One of the girls is a student from Ireland, she’s in a coma. The other girl is awake, but apparently she’s stuttering and twitching and not ready to do any dancing or synchronized swimming or anything anytime soon. Both girls have broken skulls.

Jesus. Fucked up, right?

I mean, what kind of a person needs to beat girls with a bat? Especially drunk girls at 330 in the morning. Here’s how you rob two drunk girls at 330 in the morning:

You (a big, intimidating creepy man): Hey bitches, I’ll be taking your purses.

Them: Fuck you! You’re not gonna…

You: (snatch purses, walk off, light smoke, flip them off over your shoulder as you vanish down an alley)

That simple, kids. There’s no need to blindside someone with a bat. That’s so fucked. It’s horrifying. But this brings me to my point:

Remember when I was talking last week about my friend who’s into Nazism, like, not the politics of it, but the uh…’cultural mythology’ or whatever euphemism you want to use to try to distance yourself from being into genocide? Remember that? Okay, good.

Now, there are people out there that are really into John Wayne Gacy. They buy his paintings and stuff and obsess over his style and all this. (Gacy, for those of you who don’t know, was a Chicago man who dressed as a clown for kids parties, abducted and raped and murdered young boys [like 33 of them] and then buried him in satanic patterns in his basement. Yay!)

Similarly, people are into Jeff Dahmer. He’s a fucking people eater, and people love it. He’s real creepy and he’s kind of the blueprint for the ‘williamsburg look’ that is all the rage right now. But here’s the thing:

These people are so evil that our brains can’t even compute the evil and so we compartmentalize them in the same parts of our consciousness that houses uh…you know, freddy kreuger and the yeti and shit like that, which makes sense because Hitler? Gacy? Dahmer? We’re talking about things that shouldn’t be human; and it’s much easier to make them ‘other’ because, well, isn’t it obvious? Sure it is.

Now, I don’t think there’s any question that as shitty as this dude is that beat up these women with a bat, he’s no Hitler, or gacy. BUT, if I went on the internet and looked for some of this guy’s paintings or was casually talking to my buddies and mentioned that I thought he was a “cool dude…like, not the bat wielding psychopath stuff, but like, his aesthetic sense, he’s just awesome and fascinating…you know what I’m saying?” people would be fucking disgusted, and with good reason, but you know what? If he’d instead killed hundreds of thousands of kids and women or raped a bunch of little boys, that would somehow be an okay position to take. I’ll pause for a moment to let that whole thing sink in.

We good? Okay, moving on.

I mean, emulating George Bush is reprehensible, but HITLER(!!!!!???) is fine? Look, I’m no fan of the neocon administration or movement and yes, there’s some pretty evil things going on and lives being gambled with and exterminated for sure. Bush is a bad guy. But come on folks, he’s no Hitler.

Well, I suppose that you can’t really dress up as Hitler for Halloween, but you could be Gacy or Dahmer or Bush. Actually, scratch that. I was Hitler for Halloween a few years ago. I grew out the mustache and cut my hair like his and wore a camera and a lei and a Hawaiian shirt. I was Hitler hiding in South America or Hitler on vacation, depending on how familiar with the whole great migration of the Nazis I thought the people I was around were.

Oh, man. Did I imply that I wasn’t into these monsters? That would be disingenuous. I’m completely fascinated by that inconceivable evil, but I was thinking about it and I realized that when you say something like ‘thirty three boys raped and murdered and buried in satanic patterns in the crawlspace’ it sounds pretty wild and all that, but when you personalize it even a little; your little brother or kid or sister or best friend or even just ‘that kid over there in the McDonalds’ or whatever, all of a sudden it’s like “what the fuck am I doing here? This shit is not something to even really joke about, man. Ugh.”

So yeah, while that Bombshell McGee lady dresses as a Nazi and Marilyn manson continues to buy Gacy’s art, I’ll uh…what? I don’t know where this is all going I guess. It’s a gross world. I’m pretty sickened. If you ever want to see how gross the world is folks, have a kid. It’s like sobering up and looking at the person that you fucked after your three day bender. It’s the most hideous thing you can imagine.

Um, what else? Cobra Skulls are in Chicago this weekend! Pretty dope! I won’t be there, as I’ll be waiting for my wife to pop, which will presumably make me even more disgusted with the world…jesus.

Oh shit! You guys ever hear about that guy named Manwoman? He’s some crazy old dude with a pussy tattooed on his forehead and swastikas tattooed all over his body. He’s “taking the swastika back” apparently. But funny thing, he gets his ass whupped on a daily basis. Not a popular cause you’re championing there, Manwoman. You’d probably be better off trying to convince people that having a cunt tattooed on their face is acceptable, and uh…good luck with that.

Also, um, nice representative Take-Back-The-Swastika movement. Manwoman? Pussy tattoo? I mean, you should have just used gacy. He’s less creepy, for real.

Okay, so since this has been filled with horror, I want you all to enjoy this for a second before getting on with your lives.

It’s a palate cleanser, yall. Enjoy your weekends.