Friday, April 30, 2010

Isn't this hilarious!?

Hey hey! It’s morning and for some reason I’m awake. I should really start staying in bed. That’s the move for the unemployed innit? Sure it is. Wake up about two, put some whiskey in some coffee, watch TMZ, eat some ice cream, whack off, take a break, have some cheetos and then have a shower, whack off again, make some phone calls to some people and overstate the scope of my ambitious day (“oh, I’ve been checking the ‘help wanted’ section and you know, putting stuff together for my portfolio, but right now I’m just having some cheetos”) have a beer, go out for a walk, stop in a bar, [scene missing], wake up about two…and so on.

I’ve been thinking about the crazies lately…there was this pretty heinous crime that went down in Chicago over the weekend. Two young girls, 23 and 24 were walking home from a bar around 330 am when some dude came up behind them and beat them severely with a baseball bat, took their wallets and cel phones and left them to die under a viaduct. This took place about six hundred yards from the bar that fired me. One of the girls is a student from Ireland, she’s in a coma. The other girl is awake, but apparently she’s stuttering and twitching and not ready to do any dancing or synchronized swimming or anything anytime soon. Both girls have broken skulls.

Jesus. Fucked up, right?

I mean, what kind of a person needs to beat girls with a bat? Especially drunk girls at 330 in the morning. Here’s how you rob two drunk girls at 330 in the morning:

You (a big, intimidating creepy man): Hey bitches, I’ll be taking your purses.

Them: Fuck you! You’re not gonna…

You: (snatch purses, walk off, light smoke, flip them off over your shoulder as you vanish down an alley)

That simple, kids. There’s no need to blindside someone with a bat. That’s so fucked. It’s horrifying. But this brings me to my point:

Remember when I was talking last week about my friend who’s into Nazism, like, not the politics of it, but the uh…’cultural mythology’ or whatever euphemism you want to use to try to distance yourself from being into genocide? Remember that? Okay, good.

Now, there are people out there that are really into John Wayne Gacy. They buy his paintings and stuff and obsess over his style and all this. (Gacy, for those of you who don’t know, was a Chicago man who dressed as a clown for kids parties, abducted and raped and murdered young boys [like 33 of them] and then buried him in satanic patterns in his basement. Yay!)

Similarly, people are into Jeff Dahmer. He’s a fucking people eater, and people love it. He’s real creepy and he’s kind of the blueprint for the ‘williamsburg look’ that is all the rage right now. But here’s the thing:

These people are so evil that our brains can’t even compute the evil and so we compartmentalize them in the same parts of our consciousness that houses uh…you know, freddy kreuger and the yeti and shit like that, which makes sense because Hitler? Gacy? Dahmer? We’re talking about things that shouldn’t be human; and it’s much easier to make them ‘other’ because, well, isn’t it obvious? Sure it is.

Now, I don’t think there’s any question that as shitty as this dude is that beat up these women with a bat, he’s no Hitler, or gacy. BUT, if I went on the internet and looked for some of this guy’s paintings or was casually talking to my buddies and mentioned that I thought he was a “cool dude…like, not the bat wielding psychopath stuff, but like, his aesthetic sense, he’s just awesome and fascinating…you know what I’m saying?” people would be fucking disgusted, and with good reason, but you know what? If he’d instead killed hundreds of thousands of kids and women or raped a bunch of little boys, that would somehow be an okay position to take. I’ll pause for a moment to let that whole thing sink in.

We good? Okay, moving on.

I mean, emulating George Bush is reprehensible, but HITLER(!!!!!???) is fine? Look, I’m no fan of the neocon administration or movement and yes, there’s some pretty evil things going on and lives being gambled with and exterminated for sure. Bush is a bad guy. But come on folks, he’s no Hitler.

Well, I suppose that you can’t really dress up as Hitler for Halloween, but you could be Gacy or Dahmer or Bush. Actually, scratch that. I was Hitler for Halloween a few years ago. I grew out the mustache and cut my hair like his and wore a camera and a lei and a Hawaiian shirt. I was Hitler hiding in South America or Hitler on vacation, depending on how familiar with the whole great migration of the Nazis I thought the people I was around were.

Oh, man. Did I imply that I wasn’t into these monsters? That would be disingenuous. I’m completely fascinated by that inconceivable evil, but I was thinking about it and I realized that when you say something like ‘thirty three boys raped and murdered and buried in satanic patterns in the crawlspace’ it sounds pretty wild and all that, but when you personalize it even a little; your little brother or kid or sister or best friend or even just ‘that kid over there in the McDonalds’ or whatever, all of a sudden it’s like “what the fuck am I doing here? This shit is not something to even really joke about, man. Ugh.”

So yeah, while that Bombshell McGee lady dresses as a Nazi and Marilyn manson continues to buy Gacy’s art, I’ll uh…what? I don’t know where this is all going I guess. It’s a gross world. I’m pretty sickened. If you ever want to see how gross the world is folks, have a kid. It’s like sobering up and looking at the person that you fucked after your three day bender. It’s the most hideous thing you can imagine.

Um, what else? Cobra Skulls are in Chicago this weekend! Pretty dope! I won’t be there, as I’ll be waiting for my wife to pop, which will presumably make me even more disgusted with the world…jesus.

Oh shit! You guys ever hear about that guy named Manwoman? He’s some crazy old dude with a pussy tattooed on his forehead and swastikas tattooed all over his body. He’s “taking the swastika back” apparently. But funny thing, he gets his ass whupped on a daily basis. Not a popular cause you’re championing there, Manwoman. You’d probably be better off trying to convince people that having a cunt tattooed on their face is acceptable, and uh…good luck with that.

Also, um, nice representative Take-Back-The-Swastika movement. Manwoman? Pussy tattoo? I mean, you should have just used gacy. He’s less creepy, for real.

Okay, so since this has been filled with horror, I want you all to enjoy this for a second before getting on with your lives.

It’s a palate cleanser, yall. Enjoy your weekends.


Donnie said...

don't forget about the Manson family. You've got GnR and the Beach Boys playing his songs and Skiba writing about it...

Candice said...

i must admit, i died a little inside when i read that you won't be at cobra skulls this weekend.

please send neil in your absence.

Candice said...

actually, i just had a great idea. i start my ob/gyn rotation on monday. bring your wife. i'll deliver the baby if necessary. it'll be good practice for me.

Mark said...

Who saw the handjob at NOFX last night? How sweet was that?

planespotting said...

I really don't think George W. Bush was a bad dude - I think his administration was terrible, especially the folks who advised him, but the man was just way over his head.

I mean, I don't think he was out there plotting about how to make America a bad place or pining for ways to take rights away from people or make people ultra afraid, at least at the beginning.

But Sept. 11 freaked him the fuck out. If you see pictures of him at the school reading to kids after he was told about the plans flying into the towers, the man looks like a fucking deer in the headlights. I think realization just hit him:

"Oh fuck - I'm the president. I never, ever thought anything like this could happen ... I was just supposed to be a compassionate conservative and lower taxes and keep the United States out of world affairs and generally just play golf and clear brush. What have I gotten myself into?"

And when important people don't know what the fuck they're going to do, they rely on people who are smarter than them. Like Rumsfeld, like Cheney, like Condi, et. al.

And those people, being smart, saw an opportunity to spread our point of view around the world in the guise of "Keeping America Safe." And whatever suggestions they had, Bush went along with. That's where we got the retarded alert levels, the war in Iraq, the Patriot Act, military tribunals, and every other boneheaded, knee-jerk program that was instituted during that time.

Unfortunately for W, he wasn't even half as smart as his father (a pretty sharp and very interesting guy).

casey said...

Tragedy + Time = Comedy

Maybe you can use it in your standup!

Still... those poor girls... And that guy's probably going to be treated like some kind of prince in prison, what with his 30+ prior arrests and all.

Robb said...

I was prompted to read up on that assault and I found this snippet in an article detailing the suspects' arrest:

"A glimpse at his Facebook page offers a different image. It shows pictures of him with family and quotes him about enjoying a recent beautiful day"

Ain't that the goddamn truth...guess even low tier urban thugs are facebook phonies

Jake Regier said...

A high school acquaintance of mine was suffocated, decapitated, and burned in a dude's apartment. They didn't think they would ever find the culprit until they pulled over a guy for speeding, and this motherfucker was ON THE PHONE with the murderer.

I have to say, that guy is the first person I've ever truly, honestly wanted to be sentenced to death. That's some bogus shit, and what's even worse is that the girl met him because he worked at a tattoo shop above my favorite record/movie stores.

Now you can understand why I'm, as of yet, still tattooless.

Word verification: 'mertsack'

Jake Regier said...

Just read the third paragraph and look at the girl to the right who is known by many to be the 'sweetest person [they've] ever met'.

Drunken Acorn said...

Bk you're right as always, people have a fascination with serial killers. Just look a Dexter, yeah it's a well written show, but it's about a fucking psycho who kills people then goes and kicks it with his kids. Great show though. Oh and your city rocks, way to protest the D-Backs, thats awesome. I hope MLB takes the all star game away from my shitty state to.

JSIN said...

That link was so fucking cute.

Bridgett said...

I'll be in Chicago this weekend, and possibly at that show, and I'll volunteer to assist Candice. I know like, 75% of what they teach you in medical terminology, so that'll help, right?

laurabm said...

Yes. More women at the cobra skulls show please! Have a hankering it'll be a huge sausage fest, which isn't a bad thing, i guess. Uh, girl power?

Nina said...

Jake - thanks for depressing the shit out of me.

and - hell yes for girls at cobra skulls :]

Banana@1000MPH said...

yeah, even
(which is my favorite thing ever now) can't get me out of the bummer of Jake's story...also some kid a floor below me hung himself last weekend I guess.

Banana@1000MPH said...

I forgot its "hanged", but that just will never sound right and it isn't really appropriate for people to correct grammar or make dick-length jokes when someone has just mentioned someone hanging themselves.

Mary said...

A friend of mine has an affinity for serial killers, but he's also a writer so most of it is research for publication. Regardless, he has been known to obsess about some of it. is like eBay for serial killer memorabilia. some crazy shit for sale on that website.

Sean said...

Speaking of serial killers...

I go to college at University of Miami, FL (for the time being), and the other day some friends and I were walking outside of my dorm building and I looked up towards the rooms and windows and in the single rooms wing of the building someone's blinds were open and you could see a bunch of giant printed out pictures of various serial killers!

Needless to say, it freaked the shit out of us... Just think about some college kid living as a hermit in a single room surrounding himself with large pictures of infamous murderers... about 5 or 6 of em, poster-sized.

Good thing I'm transferring back home to Chicago, eh?

Anonymous said...

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Robb said...

is that an owl? I saw the girl with the dragon tattoo; the lead actress pretty much looks like davey havok