Thursday, April 8, 2010

we got a theory about magic...

Dudes! Lady dudes! I got fired! I got fucking fired from my job of three and a half years over the phone for reasons ranging from vague to minor to patently false. I was given no warnings. I’ve never been written up, I’ve never been complained about by a customer. No complaints have ever been lodged in my direction by ANYONE. Yet here I am. At home. Not going to work. I have no job. I’m a jobless shitsack like the rest of you (us) now, and frankly, I’m a little flabbergasted. I mean, for fucks sake, I’ve got a kid on the way in less than a month. I’m Federlining over here. “Yipes” is a bit of an understatement. But well…yipes.

So, in my downtime during these last fifteen hours of unemployment, I’ve taken to sitting on the couch, listlessly surfing the internet and drinking gin out of an old boot. Know what I discovered? I discovered “Miracles” by the Insane Clown Posse. And you know what? It’s great! It’s everything I need right now! Thank you ICP for the miracle of your song “Miracles!” It’s coming to me in my time of need, not unlike the Sapphic kiss of a pair of horny male angels as beamed through sunlight or some such magic, or ‘miracle,’ to borrow a turn of phrase from S2D and VJ.

Ok. Let’s discuss the elephant in the room then. Sure, I make fun of Juggalos and ICP and the whole thing. Or, a better way to say this would be that I DID. That is, my former, employed self made fun of them. But now that I’ve got some free time, I see what they’re all about. Faygo, hatchets, extra gravy. These are the things that unemployed people like me can relate to. It turns out that I was just too BUSY to be a Juggalo before. But now, something in that vaguely out of tune/time, completely out of touch rapping seems to hit me so much more viscerally. It’s like I said to myself this morning: “Yo, B-Murder! If you wanna paint your dome up like some kinda psychopathic clown today ain’t no one that can tell you you can’t, so may as well. Plus, you got time.” So I did.

That’s right, as I type this, I’m eating a deep fried ribeye steak wrapped in bacon and sandwiched between two ice cream sandwiches, face fully resplendent in my new white and black visage, listening to “Miracles” on repeat and wondering at how Violent J knows to ask the difficult and eternal unanswerables in a human and yet simultaneously profound way.

“Fuckin’ magnets-How do they work?” I was just thinking that, VJ. You took the question right from the ether of my cerebral cortex and using your lyrical loom seamlessly wove it into a magnificent stream of praise for everything from rain to Juggalos. Quite a feat. One I may have been tempted to make fun of yesterday, before I became unemployed. But now, today, sheeeeit ninja! How the fuck DO magnets work? That’s all I wanna know. Save it scientists! I ain’t interested in your molecules and man-comin’-from-monkeys bullshit explanations neither! Uh!

On the real though, I’m fired. I mean, I was out of town for two weeks and I got all my shifts covered and there were no problems that resulted from my being gone, and I get a phone call last night telling me not to bother coming back. This chickenshit of a manager that did it also attempted to phrase my termination as some sort of benevolent confidence offering to me in the form of “I think you’re meant to do bigger and better things than this.” To which, my response, were I to have even engaged this mongaloid in any sort of back and forth, would have been “yeah, I know. That’s why I work here. To have a flexible schedule and still have enough money coming in to PAY MY FUCKING BILLS YOU ASSHOLE!”

But whatever. That’s all behind me now. I’ve got my juggalo family, my BSC family, my socks, the other more radical splinter cell socks, my ever expanding brood of children, my many wives, my illegitimate sons, my secret internet Russian mail order girlfriends, and of course Colonel Sanders, who’s always there to make even the hardest times a little easier.

Okay, I’m gonna go lay in the bathtub and cry with the lights out while I pour Faygo brand “redpop” over my head, face and stomach.

See you all in hell.

xoxoxoxox

46 comments:

Matt Ramone said...

How about an east coast tour then? I heard you can scare some money up quick doing that. I would pay for a few tunes, some witty banter, maybe a magic trick involving an orifice and a ping pong ball.

Kyle said...

Convince someone to do a small pressing of one of your records on colored vinyl, each one sells for 9 bucks say you press two hundred, thats 1800 right there, 800 for you, 500 for neil and chris

Bradley said...

That's shitty.

I got fired once for accidentally texting my boss really terrible things about her that I intended to send to a coworker.

Magic everywhere in this bitch.

Hamilton Martin said...

"Fucking magnets, how do they work?"
I spent about 3 hours yesterday sharing that with my friends and loved ones after sean so thoughtfully posted it for our enjoyment. Thanx Sean, I needed some miracles myself yesterday. As for the job, fuck it. You've been venting about serving shit to mouth-breathers for years now, at least you get a break from that sort of thing for a while, right? Maybe you can start selling weed or something, just don't get caught.

Candice said...

I'd pay you to do stuff to/for me.

Jayzilla said...

this sounds like an omen, perhaps its time to tour in promotion of wasted potential?

i think so.


see you in sf.

Kubiwah said...

B, you'll get something going. Do a couple Shows in the midwest. play Madison and i'll buy 100 tickets, well...i'll try.

planespotting said...

I can always get you a job at Walgreens. It's pretty flexible, you meet nice people, get to work around prescription drugs, etc.

But seriously, being fired totally blows. But if you saw the movie Up In The Air, you know that

"Anybody who ever built an empire, or changed the world, sat where you are now. And it's *because* they sat there that they were able to do it. "

So go change the world Beex! Your socks believe in you, and when we hear your flute begin to play, we will come-a-marching ...

casey said...

Really sorry, BK. Managers are spineless douchebags everywhere you go.
Are you even going to tell us what bar to boycott/burn to the ground? Although if it's the Chipp Inn, I may have to redact that statement.

dustyfloors said...

Mutha fucka. That sucks. I once got fired without ever having been written up or anything... Kinda...

See, the crafty fuckers called me in to an office to write me up and fire me all in one go. I then went to a bar by work that has $1 drafts on Wednesday and got hammered and then had sex with the HR girl that was sitting in on the firing that was handled by my manager.

Steve Jones said...

Bummer about the firing. In an ICP related note I saw a dude at the gym last night with an ICP tattoo. To make things interesting he was an extremely fit dude. I was expecting my first ICP tattoo sighting to be on a dude that wears 6XL tshirts.

alex icon said...

I really relate to this post because 1) I got fired for the first time in early February and I'm still jobless, and 2) I watched the video for Miracles on YouTube yesterday. Shit's truly the limit.

I do feel like they're being kinda hypocritical, though. They hate on scientists, but yet they have a "theory" about magic and miracles? Guess where theories come from? SCIENCE, mother bitches! These guys are just in-the-closet scientists. I'm calling 'em out on it, right here right now.

drakefx said...

I got fired once for emailing about masturbation. It sucked, but at the same time was pretty funny. My two bosses had the email printed out and were talking in this solemn tone as if I had thrown a handicapped person out of a wheelchair. They were nice enough to give me a severance check though. If only the bank teller helping with my deposit knew about the conversation I just had with my former employer. Sweet as saccharin.

Robb said...

You could always wander around in a state of calculated indolence; simulatenously hyper-neurotic yet smugly self-satisfied; walking the dog in kRazy places and attending underage keg parties where your comparative awkwardness to the naive overconfidence of today's youth will prove endearing and culminate in an intimate circle in the party's waning hours where you will hold court and bittersweetly reminisce on your opposing envy/respect for this generation's brash self-assuredness--and the iPhones! These damn iPhones!--in hushed tones. Like in that new movie Greenberg! Just playin dawg

Mikey said...
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Mikey said...

If anyone saw that last post and is wondering about why it was absolutely retarded...

For some reason I didn't see this post. I went to comment on yesterday's post and then somehow posted in today's after logging into blogger and yeah...hopefully that makes sense.

Mikey said...

But basically I had been posting a link to Miracles and saying "I'm a juggalo now", so yeah, I agree. It blew my mind.

balls yo said...

Man, sorry about the firing. I have worked in service industry for 14 years now...all restaurant management is the same. Flakey at best.
I have so many things to write about this my brain is about to explode.
I cover valet shifts between 7 restaurants, so, that being said that is SEVEN of these places I have to come in contact with...all of em the same. I walk in for one reason or another and at each place it's the same story. In your situation ( i have seen a million and 3 times now) the manager is intimidated and insecure about you having MORE going on in your life and going for you than his/herself...which also tells them that you probly wouldn't care as much about your job while you are working because you would also not care as much about being let go (becuz u r a famous rock star) which is untrue (the not caring part...you are definitely a rock star)
Also, even though you got all your shifts covered they could care less, because all (pay close attention service industry lifer socks) those people want is to be surrounded by people who fear/respect them and have just as little going for them/going on in their lives as their own retard middle management selfs.

My friend Bonnie got fired the same way from a place i worked...except she was there 39 1/2 years!!!!
As for scoring some goals for our team, a middle manager (the worst i ever known) called me for a job the other morning because the owner where he worked fired him. I fought back tears of joy during that call.
Wow Ballsyo, terrible comment, i know. sorry.

Anyhooo, go on down to that tilted kilt with one of their skirts on showing off your nice balls and how good you look in their uniform. hired on the spot i tell ya.

Bridgett said...

1) I'm with Kubiwah, I will also (make my boyfriend) pay 100 bucks to see you in Madison or Milwaukee.

2) Mr Kelly, I can get you a job selling cars. Crazy shit happens in the world of auto sales. It's a good company though, ask Joe from Rise Against.

!thriller! said...
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!thriller! said...
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!thriller! said...

I hope you yelled at him: "You can't fire me! I quit!" I've never been fired. Because whenever they start that talk in their office with me, I just get up and leave, fuck 'em. Any job openings at your old job? Cuz that would be uber fucked up

@Bridgette
I need a show from them in Madison too! But if remember from their ten year show: "This show is way better than our first, playing at the fucking lame college up in Wisconsin". But I can dream...

Sean said...

"See you all in hell."

... or see ya when I see ya.

Drunken Acorn said...

BK let me welcome you to unemployment it's great. It's all about Cold Case reruns, eating Hot Pockets for every meal, getting drunk by noon, and feeding your kid Nilla Wafers for breakfast. I'm having a blast. Plus the checks from the Government that barely cover your bills, and were getting free health care. Shiiiiiiiiiit I'm never going back to work.

dgibby said...

Well Northside lost my business, not that they really ever had it. Many other shit holes bars in Wicker Park to work at.

Jimmy Collyer said...

Anybody have any opinions on Andrew WK's creepy anthem from when he was 17 than earned him a restraining order? http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/musicblog/2010/apr/07/andrew-wk-juvenile-restraining-order

Harley said...

Hey you dick! I do have a job. I wash dishes!

Banana@1000MPH said...

I was just catching up on Phat Friend and watched Miracles and was planning on being the god to bring it to the socks, but I guess you beat me, BK.

fire-on-cloud9 said...

get a cheap apartment somewhere in crackville and grow you some pot. :)

Sean said...

"Fuckin rainbows!"

Robb said...

"Shaggy's lil' boy look just like Shaggy/and MY little boy look just like daddy!' ...holy shit i can't stop playing that part

Jesus said...

Release a shit ton of merch, come to Canada and enjoy the healthcare and beer. Life is good! Don't think of it as a door closing, it's a door opened for opprotunities!

Dan Theman said...

Can the sock drawer get some credit(this guy) for linking that masterpiece of a video?

Also, bummer about the job. Ironically wish I could get fired and have music as something to fall back to.

laurabm said...

Yeah, piss on that place. I second the tilted kilt. Umm beat kitchen is opening their patio for the season, I wanted that job but fuck it. Its a long shot but if you need a baby/dog sitter for free Im down. Guess you wont have to pay a nanny now that youll be home. Thats a good thing right?

Dan said...

I know it was you, Brendan, that added "dong huffer" to your name on wikipedia. Well played sir. As far as ICP is concerned, the signs have been everywhere for me. Whether be it the small juggalo stenciled on the rear fender of a Ford Ranger, in black spray paint, that I passed on my way to work the other day... or the two juggalos that ravaged the Pizza Hut dinner buffet last night. They're all around us. It's a "miracle".

Scott said...

that sucks man. Especially out of the blue like that. My company keeps moving people/jobs out to baltimore and/or shifting work out there. I am in constant fear that tomorrow is my last day there. Not that i love it. I used to, but morale sucks and the way people are going about getting the work done sucks. It just feels like it is slowly falling apart.

I miss bartending personally, I think you will find something soon. Go sell beer or dogs at Wrigley, "wasted potential" tour, come out here and open a bar with me.

Jake Regier said...

"Fuckin' rainbows after it rains."

Sometimes I almost believe in God but am shot back down to reality.

On a lighter note, I just bought the last three copies of Buttsweat from the record store in an attempt to make you a couple dollars.

Miracles.

Jake Regier said...

Goddammit. Someone else already posted that really awesome rainbows line. The delivery...Now there's some major label quality shit.

Harley said...

Man BK, have you ever worked as a dishwasher at a restaurant? If so, write something about how fucking disgusting, indignifying, and difficult it is. You can articulate it better than me.

kylewagoner said...

I've been considering trying to get a job as a mailman or a garbage man, actually, because I don't really feel like going to college but still getting paid. Plus, being a mailman, I'd get every holiday off and all of that fun shit. I'd also like to find a flexible job so my band can tour now and then...but that's tough...I graduate high school in a month.

love,
Kyle

sunrisehomeland said...

Sorry to hear about your shitty-former-job people being shitty. At first I thought this was an April Fools post, but alas. Hope ya find something better ('much better!') soon!

Sylvester Trombone said...

B, I always get excited when a new post coincides perfectly with my morning poo at work. But today, even though the timing was right, the news was devastating. I was looking forward to stopping in for a beer after work to see how the tour went. That place is definitely on my shit list and I'll never go back. But where else can I go in my hood to hear someone piss off yuppies in the beer garden with the (then) new Cobra Skulls album? Or be absolutely honored to be one of the first people to hear the rough mix of Buttsweat way back in like July? You are a phenomenal bartender. I'm hoping you can help get me drunk again sometime soon at an even better establishment.

John F. said...

That sucks. Matt Ramone's right, though; East Coast tour would totally do it for you. Think it over.

Bridgett said...

I'm with... all those people. It can just be a Brendan tour, not the whole Larry Arms. Unless Neil and Chris get fired from their shitty jobs too. Or you could do what those other people said and sell some merch. I like stickers and anything in an XL. Show the fatties some love, man, even Alkaline Trio does it.

@!thriller! I'm down for a show in Madison, and I think they should play at the lame college. But instead of Rathskeller, or where ever it is they do shows in there, they could just tear up Camp Randall.

Mr. Kelly: If I can get my boyfriend to propose to me, we'll pay you to come get trashed at our wedding. We'll even send you a plus one invitation.

Karen Kitten Cupcake Sweet said...

i think you should have said "BUT DONT YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!!! I'm b.k.!!"

it would have been great.

Hey It's Aaron said...

I swear the juggalo's are the new illuminati.... their symbols are ever where ...Sometimes I feel like I'm in a redneck Da Vinci Code when I drive around Tampa.