Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Are you folks ready to laugh??!?!?!

Man, last night I went to see some stand up comedy. It’s the first time I ever did such a thing. Really. I went with my wife, who’s nine months pregnant. The ‘event’ had to do with her job and was somehow tied into axe body spray, (which I get as much of as I can use, by the way. Every morning, I crack open a can of axe body spray, pour it into a bowl and ritualistically dip my penis and testicles into it until the whole thing is coated in a fine, glossy sheen) and everyone from her office was there. There were jokes going on the whole time, so thankfully people couldn’t bullshit with each other. It was great to not have to talk to people and say things like “oh, what am I doing right now? Funny you should ask. I’m unemployed! Yeah…no, no, no. It’s cool. Seriously, don’t worry about it. Yeah, she IS ready to pop any time, isn’t she? Yeah. Due date is next week. So, uh…spare any change?”

Instead we just watched jokes get told. We got there while a hot girl talked about getting fucked in various ways and then a sloppy jew came out and vacillated between saying just (gasp!) outrageous things! and doing jokes about how (for example) cats are always putting their butts in [one’s] face. He was funny. The girl was funny too. At some point I turned to my wife and said “you’re not gonna like what this is inspiring me to do” which is, of course, attempt stand up comedy.

What? Yeah I could! Suck a dick, naysayer! Nah, discount that dumb joke about the bowl of axe body spray then. It’s seven in the fucking morning! Oh, okay. You be funny then. Go on.

I thought so.

Yeah. I’m fixin’ to dive face first into stand up like greg louganis into an Olympic length dong. What? Still no good? Well, I’ll have you know that I’m saving my A material for the fucking giggle barn. And hey! Back the fuck off me, huh? Remember my whole thing? Failing=trying? There’s no success without putting yourself out there? Remember that shit? Jesus. You people can get so fucking aggressive the second I decide that this next one isn’t gonna be a fast punk rock song. You’d think I was suggesting doing a hip hop record or making a new religion or something…

Now, let’s make no mistake, stand up comedy is brutal and I’ve never heard of anyone EVER talk about their success in stand up without talking about how many times they’ve bombed and bombed and bombed and been humiliated and on and on like that. It seems like something you just HAVE to do in order to get the feeling of what it’s like to tell jokes in front of a room of people. Sean Nader, my good buddy and number one merch master texted me recently and asked “on a scale of 1 to 10 how hard do you think it is to do stand up?” and I said 8. I say that because I think it’s probably just as hard as, say doing heart surgery, in that first and foremost you’ve just gotta be the right kind of person or you’re NEVER EVER gonna be able to do it and then you need years of practice and careful instruction (and listen, save me the bullshit about pre med and med school and all that. If ALL you had to do was one kind of heart surgery, you could learn it [provided you’ve got the constitution and a steady hand] without all that bullshit. It’s basically carpentry and needlepoint, as far as my understanding goes. Sure it is. Hey! Quit with all the fucking skepticism this morning. That shit will age you before your time), but it’s not as hard as, say, building the pyramids in ancient times before toilets or cranes (a 9) or uh…I don’t know what a 10 would be…I’m sure there’s something out there that’s harder than that. Uh, space travel and contact with aliens on their planet on our terms (which means no probes) How’s that? Yeah. That’s a ten for sure. Nice.

Okay, firstly, don’t judge me. I’ll probably never really do stand up. I’m too scared of it. The people that do it are crazy and it seems like a very painful and disgusting way to make a living. Comics are always alone, touring in their cars, and then they get old and you just hear how fucking sad and broken they become. I think you could do a very good movie, not unlike the Wrestler about a past-his-prime stand up that was fleetingly kind of huge but is now, you know, Jake LaMotta-ing around the midwest. Eh, that idea is free today folks. Go for it. Make me proud.

Here’s the thing though: I’ve already been on stages telling jokes in front of tons of people for years and years and I’ve bombed, but I don’t really bomb anymore. Maybe I’ve secretly paid my dues, like the way Danny Laruso thought he was just waxing cars but secretly he was learning karate. Maybe I’ve been honing my standup skills without knowing it this whole time! And, I’ve already got some folks who would come see me, right? Sure I do. That should make up for the fact that I’d be starting (yet another) new endeavor in my thirties, right? Again, sure. AND when you start doing stand up, don’t you do like, 2 minutes? Sheeeeeit, man, I could comb through this fucking blog and have two minutes of solid gold, man. AND, the standards are low. You don’t have to sweat, you can look at a notebook. The rooms have tables and shit in them, so they look sold out even if it’s just a couple of assholes in there. I guess they make everything else easy because getting up there and saying “white guys fuck like this but black guys fuck like this” is so tough in the first place. Man. Fuck. Shit. Fuck. I’m in. that’s it! See you turds at the laugh factory!

37 comments:

Donnie said...

Have you seen the Seinfeld documentary "Comedian"? He trashes all his old jokes and writes all new material. The guy who opened for him sucks, you're definitely funnier than that guy.

Todd said...

I tried to make a Greg Louganis joke the other day, but I couldn't think of dude's name so I searched "Olympic diver with AIDS on his head." I found what I needed to know.

Toto said...

i've told you before to do stand up comedy man... if you had listened to me you'd be bigger than David Cross by now. but what do i know right?
you've made me laugh way more times than those who call themselves comedians so go on and do it.don't be a pussy.we can help you find your best material trough the BSC archives, or we can do some voting or something like that.

by the way, the new menzingers album just melt my face, what a fucking great album.

Robb said...

Dunno…Aziz Ansari’s whole ‘RaAaaandy’ persona is pretty hard to top right now. Do-ya-think-you-can-top-it? Think-you-can-top-it? (crip hops around)
…I do. Plus he hangs with Kanye, never good. I envision Kanye as a HUGE fucking nerd, you? Not my kind, but the kind that listens to his own album at home and is like "this is fiiire" which is so much worse. But yeah do it. Actually w Fat Mike's recent Andy Kaufman-esque shenanigans, you two should look into something

Robb said...

...scratch that? folks may view a you/mike duo as too gimmicky. you're funnier anyway

Hamilton Martin said...

I'm all for the stand-up comedy, but you have to sheen your balls with axe on-stage

Johno said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Johno said...

I saw some comedy last night too, how about that?

My two pence is that people mainly laugh at your jokes because they fucking love your band.
But yeah, good luck

dustyfloors said...

I will come see you do anything, anytime as long as there is at least one Karate Kid reference made.

!thriller! said...

Yeah the movie about a comedian past his prime has been done. It's called "Funny People". I think u should go for it. There are some really boring played-out comedians that seem to be rollin' in the dough (frank caliendo, that fraiser guys stand up sucked elephant dick). Just don't do impressions, IMHO

casey said...

Does it make me a mongoloid that I thought that Nick Kroll's 'Jolly Rancher' bit was the funniest of the night?
Seriously, though, I thought it was a pretty solid show. It's incredibly impressive how much those guys must rehearse/rehash/rework their shtick in order to gain a few laughs. If you're thinking of going down that road, maybe take a few cues from this asshat http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/01/magazine/01ventriloquist-t.html.
And, hey, did you get all of those free Axe samples last night? I got two (Utah!)! One for each testicle, brah.

Mark said...

Aziz is hilarious, Robb. I love that guy.

balls yo said...

www.vimeo.com/9220937

I've posted this here before....but for todays post i gotta put it in for anyone who missed it last time...this is my friend who had a stroke (which explains his delivery style).

enjoy

Moxie. said...

Aziz Ansari as Human Giant is fantastic. I'm a fan.

limited nobility said...

Not a stroke of genius I take it eh balls?!boom!oh,that's just a double entendre guys.hehe.Greg Tidrow taught me that those are funnier if you point them out right after saying/typing them.Being handicapped and going on stage in front of a room filled with drunk people with the intention of making them laugh is fucking cheating{a lot of those folks would laugh if it was a bus stop at 3pm and the handicapped person was just going about his day}!ironically its the opposite of a handicap in a stand up setting.So bk should probably take up stock car driving then transition to stand up comedy.oh, im just being real fucking funny,uh,come on beaks, has a week honestly gone by since you've been writing this thing that you havent thought about taking it on the road?joking aside,really good idea.what do bench?greg tidrow

limited nobility said...

man,I read that.Handicapped comedians have been upgraded to a genuine pet peeve for me.sad?yeah..................................greg tidrow

Jimmy Collyer said...

I'm getting ready to tape Comedy Central presents Brendan Kelly. Also your friend coco started his own blog cassettesinthemailbox.blogspot.com

Owner Operator said...

"Maybe I’ve secretly paid my dues, like the way Danny Laruso thought he was just waxing cars but secretly he was learning karate." - pure gold.

i went and saw the revival tour last night in perth. you know the one with that guy from hot water music and that other guy from lucero and that other other guy from avail and frank turner (wait i mean that other other other guy from million dead) was a great show. so much fun. people love to tour australia. you should give it a go sometime. make a tour... erm let's call it the renaissance tour. and bring some friends (chris, dan, you and joe) and some acoustic guitars (the ones with strings and stuff) and come visit.

sweet

Jake Regier said...

"Yes, I am retarded or something. Looks like we're back to square one."

Karen Kitten Cupcake Sweet said...

i think you are definatelu capable of being a great stand-up comedian. I mean, go for it, the worst you could do is suck right?

great interview btw:

http://movingnorthuk.blogspot.com/

initforthebutts said...

Brendan, you should do jokes on the yogurt man. If you don't know who Yogie (that's what I call him), I'll send you his picture. He's ghastly, but way endearing. He gets cuter the more you look at him. If you want to see, LET ME KNOW.

By the way, are you answering shitty questions from Larry Arms fans? I was listening to a song you wrote and thought "this dude singing would be good to turn to!!"

Kirsty said...

Funny People. Adam Sandler sucked in that movie but Eric Bana is hilarious!

Jake Regier said...

Uhh...Man, I gotta say: no one was funny in funny people, least of all Eric Bana.

More like Eric Banal. Get it?

Hehhehehe. 'Cuz he sucks.

kylewagoner said...

I want you to do it and tour around here doing it. Stephen Lynch is playing like 30 minutes from here (which is rare for anyone) on May 1st.

Robb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Robb said...

I deleted that bc of spoilers. but yeah funny ppl was mismarketed; eric bana = never funny; it did have raaandy though

FranklinStein said...

Mr. Kelly,
I have a friend that needs advice. He recently expressed his feelings to a girl that he's been talking to on the phone weekly for the past 9 months. Now, the two live in different cities, which are about 3 hours apart. He got out of a 2.5 year relationship around the time he started engaging in these weekly phone calls and essentially sought comfort from this girl immediately after the break up. I must make clear that the two were friends before the breakup and that my friend had considered dating this girl when he and his ex went on a brief hiatus during their relationship. All in all, he's been friends with this girl for about 1.5 years. With these weekly phone calls, which grew progressively longer, the two became better and better friends. My friend feels a very strong connection with this girl and has the idea of marrying her, seeing much potential in their relationship. For her birthday in November, he sent her a present with a card. He did the same for Christ's Mass and sent flowers to her work on Valentine's Day. They've met up once throughout their correspondence, which was back in January. They saw a movie and had dinner and apparently things went well. Since then, my friend has tried to make arrangements to meet up again, but the girl was usually either busy with work or studying for the GRE. She just got accepted into a graduate program in a city even further than the current one she's in. My friend's been itching to tell her his true feelings for quite awhile now.

Ok, now let's put her situation into perspective. She'll now live about 5 hours away from my friend, she'll be in graduate school for the upcoming year, AND, she plans on attending med school right after she finishes her grad program. The other night, my friend called her up and told her that he's developed strong feelings for her and asked if she had as well. She basically said that with her current plans, she doesn't see anything working between the two and that it'd be unfair to my friend to begin a relationship with her being so far away and then going to a med school with a location that she's uncertain of. My friend sees their potential as so strong that he doesn't mind the distance and believes that they can make it work. She, on the other hand, isn't on the same page as my friend. He nonetheless asked her if the idea of dating had ever crossed her mind during their correspondence, and she said that it in fact had. However, I get the feeling that she doesn't see things as working out as well as my friend does. So, she prefers to just be friends. My friend has invested a lot in this and isn't ready to let this go. He's still holding out for the possibility that she'll change her mind. He still plans on maintaining his correspondence with her but he has no intentions of bringing up what was said the other night. He's gonna give her time to let everything sink in and see if perhaps she'll one day see things his way. Part of him says it's wishful thinking while another part refuses to let it die because he sees much potential between them.

What do you think?

Jake Regier said...

Why's everyone but me in med school? I'm just scrapin' by on not declaring a major in my third year, and everyone else is gonna be a goddamn doctor. Even the cokehead who broke into my place of work is in med school.

I guess it's a sign that I should be a doctor.

Karen Kitten Cupcake Sweet said...

hmmmm..
interesting.
is this a blog-off between beeks and brian falon?

http://cassettesinthemailbox.blogspot.com/

matthew-palmer said...

Does anybody know where I can send money to the band for all of the music I've basically stolen from them and then appreciated for years? I don't want to cheat them out of money they deserve and I want to skip all the middlemen in the process.

James said...

I gotta correct a couple of you (Robb!). Eric Bana started out as a comedian. His show was gold back in the day. So, Eric Bana = sometimes funny.

Robb said...

I know he did, that's the irony. Really, I knew, promise. I looked up some clips when I found out (around when Troy came out I think?) and didn't dig. But humor may be the most subjective thing ever and all that

Robb said...

...course that WAS six years ago, and I'm laughing at different shit now than then. Plus maybe I saw some weak sauce material?

Steve said...

Now, Im pretty sure this is beyond a normal fucked up knife wielding chinese guy. Talk about a crazy ice breaker for that guy on the dating scene later on! Whowzers.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100429/ap_on_re_as/as_china_students_attacked

Andrew said...

Robb, surely you'd concede that Bana in Chopper is gold?

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0221073/

Robb said...

You know the sad part is I've seen Chopper, and I forgot some funny ass shit goes down in that movie. So yes I'll concede Bana was not only funny but really good in general in that. Btw I recommend a flick called Bronson, about the exploits of Britain's most 'notorious' prison inmate. You could call it the the British Chopper. The lead actor is amazing and hilarious..forget his name

Robb said...

...Tom Hardy. he's one to look out for