Thursday, April 29, 2010

oh. my. good. lord. why?

Okay, this is getting out of control. Now the IRS is hassling me about some travel expenses from three years ago. Don’t they know I’m unemployed and about to have a kid? I mean, jesus, Jesus, what else are you gonna throw at me? AIDS? Long lost creepy brother who wants to stay on my couch? Bedbugs? I mean, fuck! It’s a good thing I’ve got an accountant, because I understand taxes about as well as I understand Chinese crossword puzzles, which is to say I can do the easy shit but then I get pretty distracted.

Seriously, there’s nothing scarier than a letter from the IRS. It’s like getting called into the fucking principals office, even if you’re, to the best of your knowledge, just cruising around doing the right thing, you can’t help but think “man, these motherfuckers are the most notorious hard asses in the world…and now they’ve got their sites on me. Fuuuuuuuuck. (this is to be groaned in a note of overwhelming despair). So yeah…fuuuuuuuuuck. Anyway, should be fine, it’s not like I have or have ever had any money, so that’s a good thing. AND, it’s not like I’m sitting around in a house made of diamonds and Stradivarius’s snorting strawberry cocaine off of a gold plated dong that was found in Jefferey Dahmer’s fridge and purchased at some weird auction in Amsterdam or something either. Is that a thing? Do you think that those dongs that they found in Dahmer’s drop freezer found any sort of commercial success after the whole trial was done? Like one of John Wayne Gacy’s paintings or Hitler’s sketches or anything like that? I mean, those dongs were his art, weren’t they? Well, I guess they were also his snacks. Uh…anyway.

Look, now it’s just getting ridiculous. Since I started writing this today my dog has gotten into my kids dirty diaper pail and eaten up some of the yummy shit from inside. That means she’s gonna be sick, I’m gonna be sick and then I’m gonna have to clean up frothy baby-shit-re-imagined-as-dog-barf later today, which I don’t feel I need to overtly express, is gonna be gross as hell. I mean, seriously, how much can one man take?

This evening, Nofx is playing in Milwaukee. Now, for those of you who don’t know, Nofx is the punk rock flavored proof that when two jews team up to subjugate the Mexicans and the poor white folk, they can pretty much do anything they want, even play songs that sound like old ragtime numbers about how it’s cool to be gay to a bunch of amped up bro-style frat boys and mongoloids. (editor’s note: holy shit! I’ve been spelling mongoloid wrong for maybe my entire life! I JUST realized that…sigh). They’re a great band and I know them a little and it’s always a great time to see those dudes, and my friend, sidekick and Jughead/Gargamel impersonator Toby is going up there and I’d love to go too, but I can’t. There’s no way. I’ve got a baby coming any second.


I mean, can you imagine that fucking scene? I’m in Milwaukee, drunk off my face, asking Eric Melvin (for the probably twentieth time) if the rumors about him having the biggest wang in punk rock are true when suddenly my wife calls, screaming from the back of a cab to announce that she’s just gone into labor ninety miles away…sigh. That would be the real end of days, folks. That would make my unemployment, my letter from the IRS and my shit eating dog seem like nothing worth thinking about. And let’s be honest, none of it’s a really big deal, is it? It’s all stuff that weighs on my mind, but really, it’s all stuff that will work itself out (a particularly gross expression when applied to the shit in the dog, I guess). Okay, I’m gonna go ride my bike to the gym and then hit some places to see if they want to hire me.

See you kids later.

26 comments:

Kevin Burnett said...

I'm inspired by your adultness. Thanks man.


Word verification: humbo...sounds like a blumpkin, what could it mean?

Mark said...

Anyone going to NOFX? I'll be there. I'm more excited to see Teenage Bottlerocket, however.

Kollmj44 said...

I'm going to NOFX. I can't wait!

cmx said...

Dear landlord for me.

Candice said...

Does all this baby business mean you won't be at Cobra Skulls on Saturday?!? There will be quite a large sock gathering.

myassisapipebomb said...

dear landlord > cobra skulls

Mark said...

Forgot to add, its totally 'whiskey' Yum.

Blake said...

I'll be there, Candice!

Candice said...

You better be, Blake! I'm planning on that threesome with you and your lady.

kylewagoner said...

I don't know about all that Dear Landlord>Cobra Skulls stuff. I remember when I saw Cobra Skulls, Dear Landlord was playing over the PA before they set up. Their whole newest album. But I'm still on the Brendan Kelly comedian bandwagon. For a small point in time, he would be the newest stand-up comedian on earth, and that, I think, could somehow be a good icebreaker for his act.

love,
Kyle

Banana@1000MPH said...

he meant to write "Dear Landlord ----> Cobra Skulls" (as in an arrow, hardy-har)

Seagull Steve said...

A couple years ago my buddy totally had weirdo brother call him up out of the blue and ask to stay on his couch. He hadnt seen him since they were 4 or something like that. Dude shows up and he's just a raging mongo-crusty-schizoid who kind of hated gay people. It was awful.

Drew said...

Finals week, so I've been a bit preoccupied with other endeavors, however, I took some time from my paper to catch up on the ol' BSC.... and I just wanted to add:

DO FUCKING STAND-UP YOU PUSSY!
All my love,
Drew

limited nobility said...

pearl carter,phil bailey.somewhere an executive at E is rubbing is hooves together

Moxie. said...

i heard that if you give a pregnant woman a foot rub it can make her give birth sooner, is that true?! I would look it up on the interwebs but I'm at work and googling "pregnant foot rubs" doesn't seem like the best idea i've ever had.

Nadav said...

Ah Brendan, nice to read about what's happening in your life - hope all that tax shit works out mate... All the best from London.

peter said...

sounds rough brendan, but the chinese crosswords line made me chuckle.

also just listened to your side of the wasted potential split (not for the first time), but damn if that isn't one of the best sides of any record out there, i love it

best of luck

Candice said...

fucking makes the baby come sooner.

just don't come on the baby.

frank j said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Owner Operator said...

"Look, now it’s just getting ridiculous. Since I started writing this today my dog has gotten into my kids dirty diaper pail and eaten up some of the yummy shit from inside. That means she’s gonna be sick, I’m gonna be sick and then I’m gonna have to clean up frothy baby-shit-re-imagined-as-dog-barf later today, which I don’t feel I need to overtly express, is gonna be gross as hell. I mean, seriously, how much can one man take?"

i just thought i'd repost that so people the socks can vomit into their mouth again and suck it back down again thus eating food like a cow...

frank j said...

Dear Brendan,
I've seen your list of top 5 books. Do you have any new books you'd really recommend, written within the past 10 years or so? I've haven't read anything recent aside from 2 McCarthy novels and that damn James Frey book.
Thanks!

Owner Operator said...

you should put this on your show...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GfceZ6oYIu0


polar bear club. video is so awesome/really weird/we found every type of semi sort of special effect we could and put them all in the one 3 minute video.

laurabm said...

Dont know if you're sick of working the bar scene but in Roscoe Village both bluelight and four moons are hiring. Also, fat willys rib shack. Come on, dont you want to work at a place with a name magical as that?! I do! Just kidding- they're just doing servers.

Karen Kitten Cupcake Sweet said...

oh mang brenny, you are definately going to miss out.

i went to the nofx show in saskatoon. My friends are in Teenage Bottlerocket and are opening up. Hanging out with everyone was pretty fun. I made some cookies and hefe devoured most, if not all of them.

but im sure they will play again soon... right? :P

Bridgett said...

FUCK that was tonight? I wanted to see the Menzingers. Geez Brendan, you're my fucking window to the world, you gotta give me advance notice on this shit.

Mary said...

All work and no play doesn't make Brendan a dull boy, just a responsible one ;-)