Are you telling me you built a time machine out of a delorean?

So, hey! Big day, right? I mean, hitler’s birthday, Oklahoma City bombing, Columbine, uh…the day that every single Kottonmouth Kings record came out. Yup, 4-20 is a huge day. No doubt about it. Okay, sure. The OKC bombing was yesterday, but when you’ve got a PR event like “HITLER’S BIRTHDAY” so close, you kind of absorb any like minded (read: evil) events into the greater umbrella of said event. It just makes good sense. It’s like if my band was coming through LA on the same weekend as a larger but similar band was coming through. Chances are, and it’s happened before, that we’d just jump on their show, maximizing the returns instead of competing and thereby splitting all the focus. That’s kind of how it is with April-scheduled evil deeds and hitler’s birthday.

Sorry, Tim McVeigh, I know you were fighting for the sovereignty of Montana or something like that, but it’s much more exciting to imagine you as a nazi of some sort. Sorry, bro. Militant hicks just don’t have the staying power of Nazis when it comes to demonizing things. Think about it, man. How many movies feature militant hicks as the antagonists? I can’t think of any. In fact, when “salt of the earth” types wind up as bad guys in movies it’s not militant ones, it’s those ones that are into buttfucking and toothlessness and overalls and having sex with pigs and then having sex with Ned Beatty and comparing the subsequent squeals, shit of that nature. BUT think about how many movies have Nazis as the bad guy, eh? Think about it.

Hello? Anybody home? Think, McVeigh, think.

Heh. Anyway, you get the idea. Demonizing things is fun and easy when you do something as wacky as blow up or otherwise destroy a bunch of innocent people and if there’s one thing I’ve tried to hammer home to you all here at BSC it’s that PR people and journalists A) are ridiculously uninterested in doing something new and B) have no respect for the intelligence of the general public at large (which results in dumbed down news and advertising, which results in people feeling their intelligence is being insulted which results in people not paying attention all the time and not feeling the need to do their due diligence when it comes to paying attention [and/or watching news and/or determining the true worth of a product/story] which, when the shit goes down and some dumb product sells like crazy or some news story gets everybody all worked up, despite the fact that it’s written by and for morons, winds up proving our journalist/PR girl’s point B, and the whole thing spirals one level down and closer to a universe where we overtly just fart on each other whenever we please), and MAN OH MAN is it easy to lump the OKC bombing in with the Columbine kids and of course, the birth of the biggest little Austrian guy with the biggest little mustache and the biggest little plan to exterminate the biggest little demographic of G-d’s chosen people, I mean, heyooo! Am I right?

Okay. Anyhow, let’s make no mistake here. That shit’s all waaaaaaay evil. And it’s just sad, more than anything. I get bummed out living in a world where people want to eat bacon and cheese sandwiched between two slabs of fried chicken, or a world where Dane Cook is a hyper successful comedian but this is the real sad stuff, folks. The stuff that makes you really weep for humanity. Kids killing kids. Marginalized hicks blowing up people. Crazy genocidal maniacs in (admittedly) sharp looking uniforms carrying out mass torture and executions and somehow inexplicably influencing and inspiring people for years to come just by being so thoroughly reprehensible and awful. That’s some sad shit.

People love them some Hitler though, don’t they?

In italy, you can still buy wine bottles with Hitler on them right in the gas stations. I’m shittin’ ya negative, folks. Hitler’s also kind of popular right now because of his lasting influence on one Jesse “West Coast Choppers” James and his various assortment of jizz depositories. It’s so fucked. What’s the lure? Clothes. Seriously.

A HUGE part of the Nazi philosophy and marketing campaign involved fashion. This is true. Like I said before, those suits and shit are pretty sharp looking, and this has led to everyone and their mom (well, not often their mom, I guess) deciding to ‘blow some minds’ (this, by the way is the fashion version of constructing a crucifix out of turds for your college fine arts class) and dressing up in some sort of vaguely reinterpreted nazi uniform and saying things like “Nazis just fascinate me. I’m very interested in the fashion and some of the more mysterious elements of the party,” which, make no mistake, makes you sound like either A) an asshole or B) completely fucking out of your mind. This also is true. It’s gonna be A or B EVERY TIME folks.

I’ve got a good buddy who gets drunk and starts talking about (this ALSO is true) the pyramids that the nazi scientists built on the dark side of the moon and the secret underground labs where they invented anti-matter and all sorts of wacky shit like this. He’s the B to Jesse James A if you get my drift.

The thing about this guy, is he really BELIEVES this stuff, which is disturbing for a few reasons.

1) He’s an otherwise extremely intelligent guy

2) He’s charismatic and people tend to listen to him, which really only serves to drive home what a fucking whacked out nutjob he secretly is

3) He’s really giving the Nazis quite a bit more credit than they deserve, and finally

4) He cites these books as his point of reference for this crap, and when you look at the books, they’re clearly works of fiction. He ignores this unpleasant detail.

Yeah, it’s pretty funny. I dunno. Listen, this is a day that could potentially be a real drag, so let’s get out there and build our own pyramids on the dark side of the moon, kay? Let’s…wait, what did I just write? Okay. I gotta go eat breakfast. I’m losing it over here folks.