Well, as my lovely Dogs of War and regular socks already know, every now and then I have to step back and enumerate the evidence that clearly points to the world coming to an end. There’s no two ways about it people. This is the end of all things. Have you seen 2012? Me either, but I think the science behind it is pretty right on. Some ancient people stopped their calendar thousands of years after they knew they’d all be dead. That seems like pretty rock solid evidence that we’re screwed, right? I think so too.
Just look at that Icelandic volcano. That’s earth telling us to go get fucked. Same with all these devastating earthquakes that are all the rage this 2010 spring third world season. I mean, fuck. That’s not even man vs man or man vs god, that’s just the earth or “mother nature” and we’ve known for a while how that bitch has it out for us. That’s why we’re fighting back with those giant garbage islands that we’re building in all the oceans and cutting down trees and cluttering our atmosphere with space trash, and good for us. I’ve always said that you can’t take a beating lying down. For every earthquake, we should eliminate a species, that’s what I think. Who’s first, you ask? Well, I’m hardly qualified to make these decisions, but since you asked, I’d say either dolphins or the Chinese. What?
Okay, now, western Christian mythology has long foretold four horsemen riding across the sky to signal the apocalypse, but those people had NO FUCKING IDEA what they were talking about. I mean, fuck, have you read that shit? Talking trees, locusts falling from the sky. Methuselah? Shit just doesn’t add up. Jonah and the whale? Virgins having kids? Complete horseshit, folks. What we have here is simply the case of an old man prone to exaggeration, a guy who got straight up eaten by a big sea creature (or maybe just drowned) and of course, in the ultimate twist of hilarity, a chick that liked to bone but wasn’t married and stuck to her story that she’d never boned anyone once someone knocked her up and anyone else would have just come clean.
This is a delicious little twist because this young girl who was having premarital sex and lying to everyone about it, is now seen as an abstraction of divine purity. No wonder depravity and hardcore Christianity go so hand in hand. Pretty cool, really. Even if it is lost on people like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig.
But okay, we’re off topic here. We’re talking the end of the world and I was discussing the four horsemen and how I think it’s a woefully inaccurate portrayal of what’s happening here, at the end of days. I would posit that there are MANY more horsemen out there signaling our doom. Oh yeah, man. Wanna sample? Here goes:
Steven Sagal and his sex slave!- The world is truly coming to an end when A) Steve Sagal is forced to import sex slaves and B) when a woman can resist the greasy, tubby bacon flavored advances of Mr. Sagal. This news is shocking and disturbing for such a long list of reasons that I’m gonna just move on before my head explodes.
Ricky Martin is GAY!!!!- No one saw this coming. Well, maybe one or two people had an idea that he was gay after he got that woman to get artificially inseminated and have his twins. But before that, nah. Ricky Martin, straightest guy in gogo shorts on that entire white yacht full of nothing but muscular oiled up dudes. By far.
A bunch of Hillbillies who are on Medicaid and public assistance protesting the president’s tax and healthcare platforms. These teabaggers are geniuses, or at least the pundits at fox are, because yesterday they warned us to watch out for sneaky liberal-socialists POSING as teabaggers doing idiotic things that will make the whole teabag party look like a bunch of mongoloids. I mean, is there a smarter way to preempt the inevitable embarrassing moment that’s just the overwhelming destiny of bringing the stupidest five percent of the active and aggressively loud population together to protest their own best interest because of some vague notion of a god and communism? Good on ya, Fox news. That’s some crack evasive maneuvering.
Jesse James and that nazi girl- Hey, she’s pretty good looking (if you ignore the fact that she clearly has syphilis) I think and uh…man, who really didn’t see this coming? I mean, the second I first saw Jesse James and Sandra Bullock together I thought to myself “now there’s a couple that’s gonna get ripped apart by a skanky nazi scandal right during what’s supposed to be the best time in their lives and immediately following a series of public proclamations of how in love they are.” Eh, whatever. If you’ve got Nazis in your story, it’s more interesting. That said, end of days, people.
The pope is maybe gonna have to step down due to allegations (that seem pretty fucking dead on) that he engineered a cover up of a boy fucking situation over there in Bavaria when he was a cardinal. Ooooooooooooooooops. And he’s supposed to be God’s voice on earth, eh? Only one explanation: God made little boys gorgeous for a reason.
Finally, Kate Gosselin has been pushed to the breaking point. This once kind, gregarious and beautiful woman is now a raging bitch! How in the world did that happen? And when did she get so fucking ugly? And when did they start making her try to dance? She moves with the grace of a fucking dairy cow trying to do the cha cha. Oh, wait…I was thinking of someone else, because my research indicates that this woman has always been an intolerable cunt with a terrible haircut/face/body. Never mind. Apocalypse averted.
Enjoy your weekend. Folks. Tomorrow is my kid’s birthday. He turns 2! We’re celebrating at the titty bar.
See you there.