In 1812, Jerome Lee Valentine ran naked through the streets of Pigeon Forge Tennessee being chased by a large older man with a hacksaw, who was screaming something incomprehensible about his twelve year old daughter. Now, years later, in honor of that brave dash, lovers the world over celebrate Valentines day. It’s about love. It’s about boning and for a huge percentage of the population it’s about feeling smug or lonely because Valentines day doesn’t really apply to you (because you’re single and therefore no one loves you). Regardless though, there are pitfalls to navigate and that’s why I’m here. So settle into this special VD themed edition of BSC and see if you can’t learn a thing or two, eh?
If you’re single:
Listen, this is a rough one. Sure, you can stay home but everything on TV is gonna feature Jennifer Anniston and you’ll get that pitying look from the delivery guy AND you’ll kind of wind up feeling defeated, so what’s the move? Go out to a restaurant by yourself and watch all the botched proposals? That’s kind of fun, but the trade off is that everyone there is gonna think your date stood you up. Maybe you just go to the bar and prey on the lonely souls/predatory dipshits that haunt the barstools on Valentines day. It’s a great night for watching SLOPPY drunks and maybe getting in a casual hate-bang. The one thing that you should NOT do, however, is call up all your turd single friends and have a ‘lonely hearts night’ because A) it’s so fucking dorky that it’s embarrassing to even type and B) your one creepy friend will probably show up and/or another group of dorks will show up and the awkward insistence that no one’s actually lonely and the weird mating dance that’s bound to ensue will be pretty unbearable. AND there’s probably gonna be someone who’s been through a rough break up recently, so you’ll have to listen to that shit all night. And honestly, who gives a fuck if his dumb cunty ex girlfriend blew the drummer in that band? She was laaaaaame anyway.
So what does that leave? Get a prostitute. It’s classy, discreet and they’re probably wondering what to do as well. Hell, take em to dinner. Just don’t be surprised when they order something gross and eat with their hands.
If you’ve just met:
Yahoo and other highly wack news sites will tell you that this is very tricky. They’ll say that it’s the kind of thing that puts undo pressure on a new relationship that’s still hazily defined and all sorts of other nonsense. But they’re pussies. Here’s what you do: You show up unannounced, drunk and just kind of start banging on the door and yelling. Make a few vague references to marriage and blood and possibly even hurting yourself. Slump down at the base of the door. Moan. Be sweaty. When your new Valentine inevitably comes to the door, immediately perk up, smooth down your hair, look confused and say, “oh, shit. I’m sorry. I’m totally at the wrong place. Weird. Sorry. Jeez. Um...Wanna get a pizza or something?” This pretty much works every time.
If you’ve been dating for a few months:
You’re probably at the point where you can’t stop boning, and Valentines day should be no exception to this awesome trend. Get a tarp and a large thing of lube. Put your tv in your room and find some filthy pornography. Wait naked on the slick, tarped up bed until your valentine comes over. Have the pornography going. Put a bucket of ribs or chicken (or other similarly sexy dish) somewhere that’s easily reachable from the bed. Be sure you’ve had a shower. Have some Nine Inch Nails cued up on the stereo. Get weird.
If you’re in a committed LTR:
Avoid your valentine all day. Act nervous and weird. When they give you your valentines day present (if they’re worth a shit they did SOMETHING, even if it’s just a flower or a homemade card or something, right?) break down crying and say you’ve just found out you have herpes. Midway through the fighting and yelling and breaking things, tell him/her that you’re just joking and show them this entry as proof of your awesome shenanigans. Laugh. Bone like the church is on fire.
If you’re married w kids:
Eat a hastily assembled dinner. Clean up. Have a cocktail. Put the kids to bed. Slump defeatedly into a chair and watch some lame tv show. Vaguely mention love through yawns. Go to bed. Be too tired to bang. Pass out with your hand lovingly resting on your spouse’s junk.
Okay folks! Good luck out there! I’m going to the Walgreens to get some discount candy! See you kids soon.