Monday, June 8, 2009

Answers! Beautiful answers!

I just woke up. First thing I did was piss. That was a given. Next, I decided to make some coffee, you know, to shake the dust of the dick of this day. Well, we keep our coffee in this large glass jar that’s slightly fancy and has a nice clasp. I guess it looks nicer than just having a bag of coffee grounds in the fridge. It’s a woman thing, but whatever, I can dig it. So as I’m closing the clasp, the motherfucker slips off the counter and shatters all over the kitchen and suddenly, I’m in my underwear, bleary eyed, picking up all this broken glass and sweeping up about three quarters of a pound of coffee. It’s SUCH an awesome beginning to the week, I think I’m gonna burst. Yay.
I don’t have lots of time today. Lots and lots of shit to do. I’m gonna maybe surprise my friend’s family because I know where they’re eating lunch. Also, I’ve got like, a million muffs to guess and I just can’t put that off another day. Fucking work backlog, you know? Okay, so there’s some good advice queries that I need to get to and of course, there’s the all important answer key to the quiz from last week. I’m gonna do that and then see how I feel. Maybe we’ll get to advice today, or maybe the Sock Drawer will just have to provide it….Sigh. I’m so bummed about that coffee….
Okay, answer key:
1. Mexican construction worker
These dudes drink MGD. There’s no chance of anything else. If I see Mexican construction workers coming through the door, I can pull out and open MGD’s. This is the most indelible one in the whole game.
2. fat and skanky posse of white girls_
They’re drinking the three olives grape and soda. My theory? They’re trying to indulge the sweet tooth that got them into this mess in the first place and also be “drink responsible” and have a drink with no added sugar. They get this in pint glasses every time too. It’s, again, clockwork.
3. sharp dressed black guy
None of you guys got this and it shocks me, frankly. These dudes drink Long Islands. It’s such a phenomenon. In general, and yes mother, this is slightly racist, the fruity, juicy and very sweet drinks are the faves among our African descended customers (see mai tai). Of course, there are lots of people who get Long Islands, but the sharp dressed black dude almost always does.
4. effete hipster dipshit
He’s drinking PBR and a shot of rye. He thinks it’s gritty. He’s gotta bike home. He’s…wait, he’s me. Oh dear.
5. sorority skank
Effen BC and soda. I don’t know what’s up with this either, but this is clearly the nectar of those bitches who act like I’m a complete scumbag, then get wasted and try overtly to fuck me only to end up blowing a fat friend of their sister’s up against the urinal. I mean, in my experience.
6. businessman
He’s drinking Blue Moon. No joke here. It’s just kinda how shit is.
sassy black woman-
She’s drinking the mai tai. This goes back to the whole juice thing…I mean, what’s the deal? I know that were I one of only ten highly visible percent of the society at large, people would notice the patterns of behavior of me and my fellow uh…other ten percent, and I don’t exactly know how noticing that black guys and girls like juice and sweet things a disproportionate amount actually becomes racist, but it seems like you’re not supposed to say things like this out loud for some reason. Look, I bet there are plenty of sassy black women out there who fucking HATE mai tai’s, okay. I’m not trying to reduce a race to a preference. Jesus. This is why we’ll never have a meaningful discussion about race in America. Everyone gets their fucking dick all knotted up when someone mentions that eight black dudes in a row ordered Long Islands. We’ve got a long way to go, man.

7. Mexican (non construction)
Ah, fuck. My numbering system got all fucked. Stupid word program. Okay, anyway, this dude is drinking corona. It’s a popular beer, man.
8. total fucking wastoid who looks like they’re about to die (guy or girl)
They’re drinking vodka red bull. When you’re this hungover, it’s usually the only thing that will pull you through. Lots of people drink this, though. for example, last night, a musclebound guy with curly hair that had been highlighted and a skin tight affliction button up and a pair of true religions and a store bought tan and a ridiculously tiny penis (don’t ask) came in and ordered an effen black cherry and red bull. That’s its own category, man. Body-building-Bret-Michaels-enthusiast-mirror-boys. And the gayest drink of all time.
9. Pretend hippy
Sierra Nevada. Go fuck yourself, pretend hippy, and take your gross beer with you.
10. Gay dude out with a bunch of girls
Chocolate martini. It’s fun! Oh my god. Gavin! Did you just order a CHOCOTINI? You know I did Bitch! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
11. Eurotrash
These guys drink beer on draft. They don’t know cocktails and they don’t like bottles. Not on the list. It’s an extra credit. Sadly, once again, you’ve all failed me. Sigh.
12. Underager
Come on! These guys don’t drink in my bar at all! I’m a highly responsible bartender, folks!
13. coked up loser sitting by himself eating dinner while high
Chocotini, cosmo, pbr. This guy is all over the place. He’ll do whatever is the grossest and most irritating at the time. That’s his MO. To gross out and annoy the bartender. “hey, I don’t even like pretzels usually, but I LOVE this pretzel bun”. Yeah, I know. You’ve said that six times already.
Okay, thanks for playing. I’m out of here. Uh…also, of course, these aren’t the only answers. They’re just the best answers. If you’ve got a problem, please call the BSC complaint department and let them know 976 2625. No area code needed. You advice seekers are shit out of luck. I’m late, man.


admp said...

I totally thought you were going to go with a different stereotype and match the black dude to the drink with Grape vodka in it. Haven't you heard about grape drink, Beeks?

I was wondering how you feel about playing covers. When are they appropriate, and how do you select one? I have a show Thursday and I'm trying to decide whether or not to play one.

Also, how would you characterize the music scene in Chicago? I'm considering moving there and I'm wondering how you feel about it as a musician who's probably played there more than enough to know.

See you tomorrow,

Robb said...

Those answers were surprising, except for pbr/rye. (I'm also pbr/rye guy, at least in terms of drink preference). I think the people who mentioned it being a regional thing are on to something, because the situation seems quite different here in FL as to whom drinks what. Vodka/red bull is a (maybe the) reliable sorority skank staple here, for example.

Scott said...

PBR is cheap, it tastes good, and you can get it in pint cans at the awesome is that? RYE and just about any whiskey gets the job done when i am feeling "fancy" or out with a bunch of pricks at some shitty bar full of "I'm am so cool with my brand new "vintage" clothes and my mustache" and i want to pretend i am actually having fun

Jersey Beat said...

I'm guessing here that "3 Olives Grape" is some sort of grape flavored vodka? Thank the lord I have never seen this served in NYC or NJ.

The trust fund kids who get their first job and buy a luxury condo in Hoboken Nj all drink martinis. Maybe the gay ones drink chocotinis, can't say I ever noticed. But I do see the martini glasses lined up along the bar at Maxwells in front of all the condo fucks who'll blow $100 a night on booze but will never pay the $8 to go in the back room and see some bands.

3 wisdom teeth said...

all my black friends/classmates/family members that are black support the sugary sweetness indulging of black folks...
i tried to help my friend out with losing some weight, told him to try and cut out this process i found out his entire diet included sugar. dude cant even drink straight water, has to mix water 50/50 with gatorade or any other flavored fake water drinks. alchoholic beverage of choice when we go out, peach schnops and coke, one shot and this 275 lb dude is smashed.
the best one though, he has to put SUGAR in his CHILE!
ive never tasted that but it sounds terrible.

Wayne Michael said...

How could you leave out the 21-35 yr old guy who still orders a caucasian instead of just saying white russian. Oh, and sierra nevada pale ale does sierra nevada no justice. If you ever happen to see a sixer of sierra nevada bigfoot at the store try it, just one time.

Banana@1000MPH said...

I know someone named Gavin and, while he claims to have a girlfriend, he is a walking stereotype of a gay man.

Cobra Chai said...

Dear Sock Drawer and Mr. Kelly,

I'm moving from Chicago to san diego in a couple weeks. I'm trying to decide what i'll miss most. I've recently hit up the Art Institute and Kuma's so that's out of the way. I'm wondering if there's anything else i should do one last time.


oh and 976-ANAL was a nice touch.

justinius23 said...

do you serve many white russians? and if so, who orders them?

phil lewago said...

sierra nevada bigfoot a great barley wine.

Bridgett said...

I know a fat skanky girl, and she drinks Long Islands like the supply will shortly end for good.

Some Young Guy said...


sorry if it's not/it is but i didn't get that before.

T.NERB said...

1. Every Mexican I see in Los Angeles is drinking Corona. Only exception is Tecate. MGD is not the beer of the construction worker here. I'll double check though..

2. I got the long island iced tea one right. From my experience working in a bar, anytime a long island iced tea was ordered it was a black guy. Select instances involved underagers ordering them Which makes sense, if you think about it.. when i was underage i was under the impression that long islands get you the most fucked up.. and that was the idea. i imagine i was not the only one. plus its the easiest name to remember that you havent tried yet cuz by the time you go to a bar, as an underager, you have already raided your and your friends parents' liquor cabinets more than enough times and youve, more than likely, already terribly thrown together the basics.. such as, straight vodka that tastes like rubbing alcohol, rum and coke, limited edition barrels of your friends dad's (who is now in prison for crimes involved with the mexican mafia) Don Julio (by the way, this dude drank corona too, as did all his friends. and he gave me my first and only cuban cigar (im sure you care so much about this part).. dude was pretty legit aside from the being in jail forever thing that hes got goin for him now), scotch, gin, wild turkey 101, whatever.. all this shit tastes terrible as an underager and has already made them spend the evening with the toilet, as i know i did.. plus, from not even being able to make simple drinks like these, there's no way youve even attempted the, then mythical, long island. So thats usually the first drink you want made for you if you've snuck into a bar. Other cases involved (usually fat) girls that were tourists. This bar was in a touristy part of the whale's vagina, for reference.

Some Young Guy said...

what do you mean you kicked warren out he was the backbone of your fucking band and the last member not to act like a complete and total oh fuck wrong blog.

Anonymous said...

Brendan, i don't laugh because I think it's funny that you destroyed the coffee container... I laugh because it's just like my house... but I bet you haven't broken a blender, a crock pot and two full unopened jars of spaghetti sauce, huh?