I just woke up. First thing I did was piss. That was a given. Next, I decided to make some coffee, you know, to shake the dust of the dick of this day. Well, we keep our coffee in this large glass jar that’s slightly fancy and has a nice clasp. I guess it looks nicer than just having a bag of coffee grounds in the fridge. It’s a woman thing, but whatever, I can dig it. So as I’m closing the clasp, the motherfucker slips off the counter and shatters all over the kitchen and suddenly, I’m in my underwear, bleary eyed, picking up all this broken glass and sweeping up about three quarters of a pound of coffee. It’s SUCH an awesome beginning to the week, I think I’m gonna burst. Yay.
I don’t have lots of time today. Lots and lots of shit to do. I’m gonna maybe surprise my friend’s family because I know where they’re eating lunch. Also, I’ve got like, a million muffs to guess and I just can’t put that off another day. Fucking work backlog, you know? Okay, so there’s some good advice queries that I need to get to and of course, there’s the all important answer key to the quiz from last week. I’m gonna do that and then see how I feel. Maybe we’ll get to advice today, or maybe the Sock Drawer will just have to provide it….Sigh. I’m so bummed about that coffee….
Okay, answer key:
1. Mexican construction worker
These dudes drink MGD. There’s no chance of anything else. If I see Mexican construction workers coming through the door, I can pull out and open MGD’s. This is the most indelible one in the whole game.
2. fat and skanky posse of white girls_
They’re drinking the three olives grape and soda. My theory? They’re trying to indulge the sweet tooth that got them into this mess in the first place and also be “drink responsible” and have a drink with no added sugar. They get this in pint glasses every time too. It’s, again, clockwork.
3. sharp dressed black guy
None of you guys got this and it shocks me, frankly. These dudes drink Long Islands. It’s such a phenomenon. In general, and yes mother, this is slightly racist, the fruity, juicy and very sweet drinks are the faves among our African descended customers (see mai tai). Of course, there are lots of people who get Long Islands, but the sharp dressed black dude almost always does.
4. effete hipster dipshit
He’s drinking PBR and a shot of rye. He thinks it’s gritty. He’s gotta bike home. He’s…wait, he’s me. Oh dear.
5. sorority skank
Effen BC and soda. I don’t know what’s up with this either, but this is clearly the nectar of those bitches who act like I’m a complete scumbag, then get wasted and try overtly to fuck me only to end up blowing a fat friend of their sister’s up against the urinal. I mean, in my experience.
He’s drinking Blue Moon. No joke here. It’s just kinda how shit is.
sassy black woman-
She’s drinking the mai tai. This goes back to the whole juice thing…I mean, what’s the deal? I know that were I one of only ten highly visible percent of the society at large, people would notice the patterns of behavior of me and my fellow uh…other ten percent, and I don’t exactly know how noticing that black guys and girls like juice and sweet things a disproportionate amount actually becomes racist, but it seems like you’re not supposed to say things like this out loud for some reason. Look, I bet there are plenty of sassy black women out there who fucking HATE mai tai’s, okay. I’m not trying to reduce a race to a preference. Jesus. This is why we’ll never have a meaningful discussion about race in America. Everyone gets their fucking dick all knotted up when someone mentions that eight black dudes in a row ordered Long Islands. We’ve got a long way to go, man.
7. Mexican (non construction)
Ah, fuck. My numbering system got all fucked. Stupid word program. Okay, anyway, this dude is drinking corona. It’s a popular beer, man.
8. total fucking wastoid who looks like they’re about to die (guy or girl)
They’re drinking vodka red bull. When you’re this hungover, it’s usually the only thing that will pull you through. Lots of people drink this, though. for example, last night, a musclebound guy with curly hair that had been highlighted and a skin tight affliction button up and a pair of true religions and a store bought tan and a ridiculously tiny penis (don’t ask) came in and ordered an effen black cherry and red bull. That’s its own category, man. Body-building-Bret-Michaels-enthusiast-mirror-boys. And the gayest drink of all time.
9. Pretend hippy
Sierra Nevada. Go fuck yourself, pretend hippy, and take your gross beer with you.
10. Gay dude out with a bunch of girls
Chocolate martini. It’s fun! Oh my god. Gavin! Did you just order a CHOCOTINI? You know I did Bitch! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
These guys drink beer on draft. They don’t know cocktails and they don’t like bottles. Not on the list. It’s an extra credit. Sadly, once again, you’ve all failed me. Sigh.
Come on! These guys don’t drink in my bar at all! I’m a highly responsible bartender, folks!
13. coked up loser sitting by himself eating dinner while high
Chocotini, cosmo, pbr. This guy is all over the place. He’ll do whatever is the grossest and most irritating at the time. That’s his MO. To gross out and annoy the bartender. “hey, I don’t even like pretzels usually, but I LOVE this pretzel bun”. Yeah, I know. You’ve said that six times already.
Okay, thanks for playing. I’m out of here. Uh…also, of course, these aren’t the only answers. They’re just the best answers. If you’ve got a problem, please call the BSC complaint department and let them know 976 2625. No area code needed. You advice seekers are shit out of luck. I’m late, man.