Last night and the night before, I’ve been haunted by fever dreams and insomnia. I’m not exactly sick or anything…well, if I am, these are the only symptoms. I’m no stranger to insomnia, but the last two nights have been really filled with anxiety. I wake up around midnight or one and my mind begins racing. I’m a busy guy, and I start thinking about the impossibility of the things I have to do and the timeframe in which I’m gonna be able to get them done, then I begin to think about all the things I’ve done in the past, all the projects that I’ve taken on that have ended up half assed or unfinished or that have just languished due to my lack of follow through. THEN I begin to think in broader terms and start to become pretty terrified. I start thinking about the larger ways that I’ve failed as a friend, or just as a guy or whatever, and then I begin to panic that I’m a terrible dad/husband/friend/son/human being all that shit. THEN, and here’s where it starts to get really spooky, I begin recalling things from the dreams that I was having that just woke me up, and examining them as though they really happened. At this point, I’m sweating and my entire sense of self, conscious and unconscious has been skewered and I’m WIDE awake but there’s really no desire to go back to sleep, because that’s where those demented and crazy dreams are.
When I wake up again in the morning, none of this shit bothers me very much. Yes, I have a lot of shit to do in short periods of time right now, but it’s exhilarating and scary and exciting and it doesn’t really panic me (well, it does a little, but in a realistic and manageable way), I feel fine about myself and all that shit and I (of course) in no way feel responsible for my actions in dreams (which strangely, aren’t even really sins or transgressions, it’s just the general creepy nature of the dreams that wigs me out). I’m left with a tiny little seedling of doom sitting there in my chest though. Just reminding me that I terrified the shit out of myself two nights in a row. I mean, last night, I sat up reading, pretty sure I was totally fucked, through and through, but unsure of why. Today, I’m just tired. Ah well, I’m thinking it’s idle panic that comes from anticipation.
We’re going into the studio this weekend to record some songs for a 7”. We’re gonna look into doing four on the record with a spare track for the internet or something and with a possible alternate version of one, but we’re doing shit fairly quickly, so we may not get to everything. We need to practice. We’re practicing tonight and tomorrow night and then we’re recording for two days and then I’m kind of chilling. I hope to finish my book. I’m reading The Things they Carried by Tim Obrien, and I’d recommend it to anyone. It’s sort of a memoir about Nam, but it’s not as lame as that makes it sound. It was a finalist for the Pulitzer and there have been some points in reading it that I’ve been pretty fucking glued/terrified/on the verge of tears. It’s a great read, seriously. Hell, it got me through the night terrors last night. If you want to just read a great short story by him, the version of “Speaking of Courage” that appears in there is pretty fucking stellar, I think. I guess it’s a rewrite, so don’t go for the original, which apparently kinda sucks. Just to clarify, the one where the main character is Norman is the good one. The one where he’s named Paul, I can’t vouch for that shit, yo.
Um, what else? Oh yeah, down in the sock drawer, our buddy Kyle wanted to know if he should go to college…I was gonna respond, but I think the answer that was left below by your fellow sock was pretty spot on. What else, man? I feel like I’m forgetting something….uh, I talked about night terrors, I talked about recording, I talked about the book and the latest query from the drawer…Jizz? Felching? Anything like that?
I dunno, man. I took the whole week off from the bar to be in the studio. I think that right there should be reason enough to celebrate this week. OH! The cobra Skulls new record, American Rubicon is all done, and one of their new songs is up on their myspace page. Check that shit out, fools. Otherwise, you know, I’ll pity you, Mister T style.