Hey hey! Do you guys realize how fucked up the time we live in right now is? I was thinking about this as I perused the comments of yesterday’s post (Kitchen Sink), and got to the part about anal sex. We, as a culture are so fucked up that we’re now….
All right, I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s do this right, shall we?
Nothing is new anymore. That’s a given. There’s really no way to just come up with something unique because there have been so many smart people exercising this very notion for so long before any of us were born (quick aside, what’s the guess of who the OLDEST BSC reader is? Is there someone out there in their fifties? Sixties? Is that possible? I know this older guy (I’m guessing fifties) who told me once that he liked my writing, but the blog was just a little ‘too modern’ for him…I think that’s an oblique reference to too much space docking and not enough Khrushchev. Whatever. Question stands. Are you old? Do you somehow manage to read this crap? Let me know. Thanks Oh, my parents, you guys don’t count. Sorry.) SO, the way people are now attempting to do newish things involves two major avenues:
1. Combining two seemingly incompatible things
2. Getting very, very into things that were, heretofore not really deemed worthy of deep focus.
Some results of this have been pretty awesome (bacon cheeseburgers with peanut butter on them [yes it is]), and some have been revolting (Korn), but, love it or hate it, these are the ONLY ways that our culture is progressing. Specificity and hybridization are the only avenues left, and it’s turning us into fucking weirdos. Especially with the internet, now the hybridization and the specificity are actually able to combine and further whittle expression/societal advancement to such odd, marginalized little pockets of oddness because somewhere out there, there’s a guy who LOVES (for example) the way different salad dressings look if you freeze them in the form of all the torsos of all the different original He Man action figures. That’s art to him, or science. Or sex. Who knows? I’m just saying, it’s getting ugly out there, people.
Okay, do you not know what I mean? Combining incompatible things: Rap and heavy metal combined in the 80’s. Then metal and grunge combined, then rap combined with this nu metal/grunge crap-salad and created shit like limp bizkit, then THAT shit combined with dance music, then that shit combined with Cher, then some crappy, already hybridized form of wuss rock-scream-core garbage combined with that and now there’s Brokencyde.
For the second one, we’ve got the asshole. I’m not talking about like, Morton Downey Jr. or me or Denis Leary, although, the internet and the general malaise that comes from living in a world that’s already been parceled and strip mined of all innovation HAS led to a preponderance of assholes. I’m talking about the part of your body that shit comes out of. Anal sex is actually hip right now. It’s a trend. Sticking dicks in buttholes. That’s trendy. Huh. There was a time when this appealed ONLY to people who wanted to feel dirty when they were super wasted and in the heat of the moment, dumb mormon ‘virgins,’ and people who genuinely liked having things up their ass. Now it’s like a rite of passage or something. You can’t go anywhere without people talking about buttfucking. For fucks sake, man! When our parents were kids Lucy and Ricky slept in different ROOMS! I mean, whatever, I think the more buttsex the better, for sure, don’t get me wrong. I’ve got buttsex fever just like everyone else (and no, I’m not referring to AIDS. That’s just tasteless.) But it’s created this whole world of commerce around the asshole that’s, frankly, a little fucking unsettling, no? There are home enema bags for getting your ass all ready to go, there’s anal bleaching. Asshole waxing (which is, let’s be crystal clear, a good, solid advance for humanity) but let’s return for a second to ANAL BLEACHING.
Look, man, or woman, who ever you are, sitting there, ass up at some twisted beauty salon, reading this on your iphone while some swishy assistant with frosted locks and a qtip dabs at your sphincter, it’s AN ASSHOLE. Don’t worry about it. Seriously. I mean, when’s the last time you were at the dentist? Got your liver enzymes checked? Invested in your retirement? You’ve got to SERIOUSLY have your life together to be at the point where the shade of the skin around your asshole even qualifies as a fucking thought worth having, much less an appointment worth making, much less a procedure worth going through. I mean, am I crazy? I feel like I’m in space or something. Whatever. Of course, if you’re in porn, and you make your living feeding the masses the videos of anal sex that we all crave, well, by all means, that asshole is your money maker, your bread and butter, and hey, if bleaching it gets the job done, fuck yeah. Good on ya. For the rest of us though…woah.
I’m actually tired after writing this. Okay, so no more talk of that for me, I’ll flip it to you guys down in the Sock Drawer. Speaking of, let’s take a quick run through and see what’s happening:
Someone sent me a tshirt design they made for this wonderful board. I think it looks great. I’m appropriately disgusting looking on it, which I like, and the multiple brackets are a really nice touch.
Some guy wants to know about bourbon and home bars in general.
Quickly, bourbon is American whiskey from Kentucky. If it’s not from Kentucky, it’s not Bourbon. The most famous Bourbon is Jim Beam, and in a pinch, it will always produce an acceptable cocktail. Drinking bourbon with cola is common, but in my opinion, a little gross. Bourbon is best in shots and on the rocks (just a few cubes, usually), though people will tell you neat (no ice, room temp) is the ONLY way to drink it. Those people are know-it-all dipshits who are on the look out for “posers” in the same way that I’m on the lookout for know-it-all dipshits, though, so fuck them.
In the morning, or late at night, drinking bourbon right from the bottle is acceptable. Midday, it’s just kind of desperate looking. Get a glass, hillbilly.
Drinking bourbon with soda water or regular water (30-70%bourbon, depending on your taste) is a nice way to have bourbon as a cocktail without looking like a pussy or just accidentally getting hammered. My favorite bourbons are Bulliet and Bookers, but the only bourbon I buy for myself at home is Beam, just because of price.
In terms of a home bar, have one bottle of all the important shit: one whiskey (not jack daniels though. That shit’s for little girls, motorcycling dads and Englishmen. People who drink jack will usually drink other shit too, but lots of people who like whiskey won’t touch jack. It’s a Tennessee whiskey, not a bourbon. A good Tennessee whiskey is Dickel. Dig that shit if you want to party, Tennessee style) one vodka (maybe 2, because vodka, like the asshole, is all the rage right now) one rum, one tequila, one gin, some club soda, some tonic, some sprite, some coke and some juice (whatever you’re into). Also, if you’re having a party, get a bag of ice. Nothing like waiting for the ice tray when you’re just trying to get some guy drunk enough to pull out his dick and stick it in a cactus plant, you know?
Okay, I’ve done it again! Live through this humpday, y’all and let’s rap tomorrow.