Wednesday, June 3, 2009

you ever go to eat a pork sausage and find it's got hairs all over it?

Hey hey! Do you guys realize how fucked up the time we live in right now is? I was thinking about this as I perused the comments of yesterday’s post (Kitchen Sink), and got to the part about anal sex. We, as a culture are so fucked up that we’re now….
All right, I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s do this right, shall we?
Ahem…
Nothing is new anymore. That’s a given. There’s really no way to just come up with something unique because there have been so many smart people exercising this very notion for so long before any of us were born (quick aside, what’s the guess of who the OLDEST BSC reader is? Is there someone out there in their fifties? Sixties? Is that possible? I know this older guy (I’m guessing fifties) who told me once that he liked my writing, but the blog was just a little ‘too modern’ for him…I think that’s an oblique reference to too much space docking and not enough Khrushchev. Whatever. Question stands. Are you old? Do you somehow manage to read this crap? Let me know. Thanks Oh, my parents, you guys don’t count. Sorry.) SO, the way people are now attempting to do newish things involves two major avenues:
1. Combining two seemingly incompatible things
Or
2. Getting very, very into things that were, heretofore not really deemed worthy of deep focus.
Some results of this have been pretty awesome (bacon cheeseburgers with peanut butter on them [yes it is]), and some have been revolting (Korn), but, love it or hate it, these are the ONLY ways that our culture is progressing. Specificity and hybridization are the only avenues left, and it’s turning us into fucking weirdos. Especially with the internet, now the hybridization and the specificity are actually able to combine and further whittle expression/societal advancement to such odd, marginalized little pockets of oddness because somewhere out there, there’s a guy who LOVES (for example) the way different salad dressings look if you freeze them in the form of all the torsos of all the different original He Man action figures. That’s art to him, or science. Or sex. Who knows? I’m just saying, it’s getting ugly out there, people.
Okay, do you not know what I mean? Combining incompatible things: Rap and heavy metal combined in the 80’s. Then metal and grunge combined, then rap combined with this nu metal/grunge crap-salad and created shit like limp bizkit, then THAT shit combined with dance music, then that shit combined with Cher, then some crappy, already hybridized form of wuss rock-scream-core garbage combined with that and now there’s Brokencyde.
For the second one, we’ve got the asshole. I’m not talking about like, Morton Downey Jr. or me or Denis Leary, although, the internet and the general malaise that comes from living in a world that’s already been parceled and strip mined of all innovation HAS led to a preponderance of assholes. I’m talking about the part of your body that shit comes out of. Anal sex is actually hip right now. It’s a trend. Sticking dicks in buttholes. That’s trendy. Huh. There was a time when this appealed ONLY to people who wanted to feel dirty when they were super wasted and in the heat of the moment, dumb mormon ‘virgins,’ and people who genuinely liked having things up their ass. Now it’s like a rite of passage or something. You can’t go anywhere without people talking about buttfucking. For fucks sake, man! When our parents were kids Lucy and Ricky slept in different ROOMS! I mean, whatever, I think the more buttsex the better, for sure, don’t get me wrong. I’ve got buttsex fever just like everyone else (and no, I’m not referring to AIDS. That’s just tasteless.) But it’s created this whole world of commerce around the asshole that’s, frankly, a little fucking unsettling, no? There are home enema bags for getting your ass all ready to go, there’s anal bleaching. Asshole waxing (which is, let’s be crystal clear, a good, solid advance for humanity) but let’s return for a second to ANAL BLEACHING.
Look, man, or woman, who ever you are, sitting there, ass up at some twisted beauty salon, reading this on your iphone while some swishy assistant with frosted locks and a qtip dabs at your sphincter, it’s AN ASSHOLE. Don’t worry about it. Seriously. I mean, when’s the last time you were at the dentist? Got your liver enzymes checked? Invested in your retirement? You’ve got to SERIOUSLY have your life together to be at the point where the shade of the skin around your asshole even qualifies as a fucking thought worth having, much less an appointment worth making, much less a procedure worth going through. I mean, am I crazy? I feel like I’m in space or something. Whatever. Of course, if you’re in porn, and you make your living feeding the masses the videos of anal sex that we all crave, well, by all means, that asshole is your money maker, your bread and butter, and hey, if bleaching it gets the job done, fuck yeah. Good on ya. For the rest of us though…woah.
I’m actually tired after writing this. Okay, so no more talk of that for me, I’ll flip it to you guys down in the Sock Drawer. Speaking of, let’s take a quick run through and see what’s happening:
Someone sent me a tshirt design they made for this wonderful board. I think it looks great. I’m appropriately disgusting looking on it, which I like, and the multiple brackets are a really nice touch.
Some guy wants to know about bourbon and home bars in general.
Quickly, bourbon is American whiskey from Kentucky. If it’s not from Kentucky, it’s not Bourbon. The most famous Bourbon is Jim Beam, and in a pinch, it will always produce an acceptable cocktail. Drinking bourbon with cola is common, but in my opinion, a little gross. Bourbon is best in shots and on the rocks (just a few cubes, usually), though people will tell you neat (no ice, room temp) is the ONLY way to drink it. Those people are know-it-all dipshits who are on the look out for “posers” in the same way that I’m on the lookout for know-it-all dipshits, though, so fuck them.
In the morning, or late at night, drinking bourbon right from the bottle is acceptable. Midday, it’s just kind of desperate looking. Get a glass, hillbilly.
Drinking bourbon with soda water or regular water (30-70%bourbon, depending on your taste) is a nice way to have bourbon as a cocktail without looking like a pussy or just accidentally getting hammered. My favorite bourbons are Bulliet and Bookers, but the only bourbon I buy for myself at home is Beam, just because of price.
In terms of a home bar, have one bottle of all the important shit: one whiskey (not jack daniels though. That shit’s for little girls, motorcycling dads and Englishmen. People who drink jack will usually drink other shit too, but lots of people who like whiskey won’t touch jack. It’s a Tennessee whiskey, not a bourbon. A good Tennessee whiskey is Dickel. Dig that shit if you want to party, Tennessee style) one vodka (maybe 2, because vodka, like the asshole, is all the rage right now) one rum, one tequila, one gin, some club soda, some tonic, some sprite, some coke and some juice (whatever you’re into). Also, if you’re having a party, get a bag of ice. Nothing like waiting for the ice tray when you’re just trying to get some guy drunk enough to pull out his dick and stick it in a cactus plant, you know?
Okay, I’ve done it again! Live through this humpday, y’all and let’s rap tomorrow.
xo

34 comments:

PIXI said...

The Dead Milkmen!

revellers said...

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/f/f7/Anal_Intercourse_Artwork.jpg

Shane McPain said...

at this bar back home theres a "whiskey night" like every two weeks which is absolutly awful. imagine if you will, a dark room with a motley cru coverband in full dress/makeup/crusty coke noses playing very loud, with only 2 things to drink at the bar. the "cheap" whiskey which is a pound a shot, and the "up market" whiskey. which is jack daniels.oh yeh, and there are coked up "dancers" stumbling around on the bartop getting in the way and standing on your fingers.

i mention this because i was just about to be all indignant about what you wrote about j.d and englishmen, then i remembered that night and and thought "shit, hes right! oh no!"

ah yeh, and bren, wanted to thank you for that jim + soda endorsement. i decided to give it a try when you mentioned it in an earlier post a few months ago and i cant get enough of it now. lovely.

Some Young Guy said...

i had a jalapeno bacon cheeseburger with peanut butter on it on saturday... it was awesome. i mean, like, awesome. i've witnessed people who love each other get married, i've held a laughing child, i've been to the grand canyon. none of these things are as awesome as peanut on a burger.

i've actually never had jim beam. maker's is my favorite... to be honest i don't drink hard very often so i go with the expensive shit. i'll make it a point to try bookers in my life.

as for my home bar, i think i'll go with two whiskeys and one vodka. or three whiskeys and no vodka because fuck vodka.

Jayzilla said...

yesterday some old guy i work with had a peanut butter sandwich add bacon! wtf .. i gotta try it

patnazzaro said...

ok, so not to dwell on this one but i think its important we get it right, federal standards of identity for distilled spirits (yes federal, congress passed this shit) say that bourbon must be made of 51% corn, no more than 160 proof, aged in charred oak barrels, aged for more than 2 years and some other rules. however, it does NOT have to be from kentucky. it helps, but there are micro stills out in the great us of a that are making really good, gulp, bourbons.

bookers is a great bourbon, however never give into price structure and purchase its lil cousin knob creek. same distillery but knob creek is for tourists who want to imagine they are sippin' next to some idyllic creek from a thomas kinkade painting.

if you are new to the game drink your bourbon in a rocks glass with a few ice cubes and a splash of water. this will cut the sting and allow you to learn and enjoy what bourbon should taste like. eventually loose the water, and then the ice, but only once you've gotten a handle on what you can, well, handle.

also, beam is used as an ice cream topping, never for drinking.

Captain Poopy said...

Bulliet is bar far the best bourbon. Limp Bizkit is shit and punk bands should stop covering them live. This really happens. It's sad, just sad. Coudos on the butthole thing. over it.

Manny Los Gatos said...

I hope I'm not the oldest BSC fan, but I guarantee that I'm the oldest BSC fan who has worn a Bad Sandwich T shirt in public. I'm 38.

bigtone said...

So i love the blog and read when i can but i'm surprised that you haven't mentioned SLICKLEGGING, amongst subjects such as felching or docking. According to a friend of a friend of a lawyer who represents inmates, slickleg is to ducktape one's knees together and go to town through the legs. i guess it's pretty self-explanatory when you think about it. Anyways, keep up the good work and sage-like wisdom.

Nico said...

bigtone, that's why I always keep my thighs shaved.

Capt Murdock said...

I hope SLICKLEGGING catches on in prison because it sure beats the alternative and has me a lil' less worried about committing a serious crime.

Thanks bigtone!

Scott said...

not gonna lie...i googled this "salad dressings look if you freeze them in the form of all the torsos of all the different original He Man action figures."

admp said...

I am thoroughly disappointed in this post, BK.

All this talk of bourbon and not one mention of the mightiest drink of all (if made properly) - the Mint Julep.

Also, Evan Williams is a great Beam alternative, but I drink Beam at home myself. Dickel is excellence in a bottle, for sure.

See you tomorrow.
www.thesockdrawer.proboards.com

Jayzilla said...

tecate cans = hangover for me, everytime

whiskey soda = heaven for me, everytime

(unless im home, then its whiskey tap water)

konkdaddy said...

I know they're supposed to be made with Rye, but what about a Manhattan? Not even in a rocks glass?

Corova said...

I never thought I would like a Millencolin album, so thanks for the rec BK.

Also, my favorite bar gives you a can of PBR and a well shot for $3 a couple of nights a week (everything is too goddamn expensive in LA). Their well whiskey is Jim. I have to say, that bourbon goes down a lot smoother than whatever plastic bottle vodka/ tequilla they give you.

TJ said...

Reading this got me thinking of a drink I made that is fucking delicious.

1 ounce of fireball + 2 ounces of coconut rum and add a can of coke or whatever = Flaming TJ.
Yeah I named it after myself because I'm a self important douche. Try it.

Some Young Guy said...

i'd call it an "even more flaming TJ".

OH!!!

i still really like me an old fashioned... bourbon, bitters, sugar and a bit of water on the rocks. makes me feel like an old man.

Some Young Guy said...

oh and bourbon doesn't have to be made in kentucky. it's not like champagne or something. it DOES however have to be made in the USA.

fun fact: 95% of it is made in kentucky anyway so whatever.

Some Young Guy said...

and in response to the "gross shit people do with their fuck bits" subject, does anyone know what a "backwards apple" is? its supposedly this horrible horrendous thing.

the urban dictionary definition is, for the record, INCORRECT so don't bother.

AlexCanteen said...

Back in college my boss got me started on Jack Daniels.. but ever since I've found Jim Beam I've been a fan.
But really, any whiskey or scotch will get my pants off...

Justin said...

What, no one drinks Irish?

Scott Juniper. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
TheHammer said...

Sock Drawer and BK,

Looking for some recommendations for Chicago as we are travelling from Canada. My wife and I are going to be there for a few days in August (Lollapalooza weekend, not going though) and will be staying downtown.

What Chicago pizza place is the best? other cool restaurants?

Lunch place? I remember reading about some crazy burger place on this blog but I forget the name?

Decent priced bars/pubs that are a fun time (no dance clubs). We are late 20's so I'm not looking for a bunch of drunk frat kids going off. I'll go see a show if one is going on that weekend?

Downtown shopping, discount designer clothes, jeans, etc (for my wife)?

Any recommendations would be greatly appreciated.

Cheers

Scott Juniper. said...

dear admp,
i can't think of mint julep without thinking of the beer baron episode of the simpsons. remember? the first bowling ball of homer's home made liquor drops into the tavern, he uncorks it, sniffs, and says "who wants a mint julep?" and the four awkward looking business men in the corned raise their hands? yeah, me too.

wilddanimal said...

"I have to eat you! My wife can only say 'dog pussy'! My son spent all his college money on 976 barnyard numbers! My daughter's a pile of fungus!"

Rob said...

We went on a bourbon distillery tour of Woodford Reserve. It's really expensive, but good.

Anyway, I have an advice request. It's kind of a long story:

I'd been dating a girl beginning in the fall of 2008. She had had a crush on me for a while and one night after a party she ended up staying over and after that we started 'dating' (who knows what dating actually is anymore). Our relationship more or less consisted of hanging out on our porch, drinking beer, and sleeping together. It was nice, we weren't exactly crazy about each other (like not the girl I would marry), but liked each other well enough. Then, this winter she left for France to be an Au-Pair (I knew at the beginning she would be leaving, so it wasn't a surprise). The conversation about her leaving went along the lines of

'So are you going to date anyone else?'
'I don't think so, are you?'
'No, I guess not'

Great communication we had, obviously. Anyway, we skype for about four months, things are decent for a long distance relationship (I don't think I'd ever do one again, though), but then three weeks ago I flew to France to visit. It was weird, but who doesn't expect it to be weird when you don't see someone for four months. But it didn't get un weird, and suffice it to say, she told me she didn't 'feel the same way any more' and that she wanted to break up. So that was one week in, and then things were awkward and kind of hard to deal with, but it wasn't horrible I suppose (I mean, France was beautiful).

So that's kind of the setup to the story. The real question arises when I returned to the states. She had a wedding to go to in Chicago, and some of our mutual friends from back home were coming to Chicago to see her before she flew back to France. I decided to stay in Chicago for the weekend so that I could drive back with the friends. One of her friends, we'll call her 'Mary' had also had a crush on me, and I've always thought she was cute. So we both got drunk over the weekend and made out and decided we both had feelings for each other (predictable, I know). So here's the rub, 'Mary' just got out of a long relationship (in which she flew to Barcelona to see her boyfriend and was also dumped, weird, right?), and right before I left started hanging out with one of our other mutual friends. It's not serious, but they're thinking about dating. So the question is, do I just leave everything alone, like a non-asshole, or do I go after her because I have feelings for her. I know that I really shouldn't, but I'm young, and I might not be staying in my town much longer (finished school) so if things turn out badly and I burn bridges I could bail. Which certainly makes me sound like a douche bag. So I suppose the answers pretty clear, but I didn't know if anyone else had any wisdom on the subject. And I think I might regret not going for her. Anyway, thanks (if you made it through this whole thing...).

planespotting said...

@ Scott Juniper:

They weren't businessmen - they were southern gentleman.

Sickie27 said...

Anyone ever try Sprite mixed in with pink lemonade?

So good. Fucks me up everytime.

Bridgett said...

Wait, where's this t-shirt?

bishikon said...

how could you mention a t shirt and not proceed with a link to the image?

HeLLaDaNTe said...

Pixi! What about The Dead Milkmen? Amazing band, but a seemingly random comment.. Haha.



Haha, my verification word is "bardito".. I picture like a mexican dude in a sombrero at his home bar.

HeLLaDaNTe said...

By the way, the shirt design is posted here:

http://thesockdrawer.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=general&action=display&thread=45&page=2

To those of you not already with us, come join us. We're building a secret army to make internet history. Just ask stizzy.


And Brendan, who's your favourite Country artist (if you have a favourite, that is)? Random question, I know, but you've said before that you have a thing for country music, so now I'm curious..

droopypunk said...

I was thinking the same thing about yesterday comments on pubic hair. As in the title(which is from The Dead Milkmen @Helladante).