Friday, June 5, 2009

Get your game on! Go play!

Today is a beautiful day. It’s sunny and warm without being oppressive and THAT my friends, means that my dumb bar is going to be slammed. I will be forced to wash dishes and restock bottles and hand endless numbers of margaritas and glasses of pinot grigio to flummoxed waitresses all while navigating sandwiches and beers to the dumb dildos who would rather sit in the dark bar than outside where it’s nice. I will have to talk to these people, regardless of their stupidity or lack of social graces. I will have to get them whatever they want. I will have to pretend I don’t hate them. Why do I do this, dogs of war? Why? I’ll tell you. I do it for the fucking TIPS you cheap fucks.
Yesterday, the Sock Drawer hosted a spirited debate regarding tipping. I feel that the general consensus was right on, but let me add my dollar, if I may.
Regarding the guy who mentioned that he tips every other round if he’s just drinking beers based on the ease of what the bartender is doing and yadda yadda yadda. Well, yeah, sure that makes sense. I get it, but you’re cheap. There’s nothing inherently wrong with your argument, but it’s an argument put in place to justify paying less money than what you know to be the standard, which is what cheap fucks do. They rationalize their cheapness. I mean, if I knock down a parking meter on the grounds that I put all my quarters in it and it didn’t register them, and I’m now out of quarters and I’ve already paid thousands dollars in tickets to this vampiric city’s department of revenue and I really need to go in and (let’s just say) contest a ticket, and this is the only parking space, and again, I’m out of quarters because this fucking meter just ate them without posting that I paid, well, sure, that’s justified in my mind, but it doesn’t erase that I’m a vandal.
If you tip less than a buck a drink, you’re cheap. Face facts. All the reasoning in the world isn’t gonna change anything. The bartender standing there looks at you and assesses thusly: “what a cheap fuck.” I mean, if you go to the Congo and hang out with Pygmies, you’re tall, right? Regardless of if you’re actually only 5’2”, you’re tall in a hut full of little tiny 3 footers. Everything is relative, and yes, if you go to mcdonalds and tip every other time you’re there, they will herald you as a Robin Hood or a wealthy tycoon showering nickels down on the unwashed hordes from a zeppelin, but at a bar (and you KNOW this already) you tip a fucking dollar a drink. You get a beer and a shot, you tip two bucks. This is the MINIMUM that you tip to not look like a cheap fuck. Again, I don’t want to hear your arguments. I’m not telling you that it’s right or wrong, I’m telling you how it is. Capice? Good.
Okay, now that you’re up to speed, you cheap fucks, let’s play a game. I’ll list some drinks and then I’ll list some outsized stereotypes and you match up which person orders which drink. This is just a little something I dreamed up behind the bar to pass time. I like to guess what kind of person is drinking the drinks that come through on my server’s tickets and see if I’m right. It’s just kind of racial and social profiling based on repetitive patterns of behavior as demonstrated by certain groups. That said, this is probably at least a little offensive to you if you’re a total pussy, so maybe stop reading I guess…For the rest of you heroes, here’s a little game to play in honor of Friday. I’ll post the answers Monday, the winner gets to send me a private photo of their naked asshole. Ready? Go!

The Drinks:
1. Long Island Iced Tea
2. Sierra Nevada
3. Effen Black Cherry/Soda
4. PBR/Shot of rye
5. 3 Olives Grape and soda-Tall
6. chocolate martini
7. MGD bottle
8. Vodka red bull-tall
9. bluemoon
10. Mai Tai
11. Corona

Okay, now here are the choices. Keep in mind, more than one answer may be correct, and answers can be used more than once.

The drinkers:
1. Mexican construction worker
2. fat and skanky posse of white girls
3. sharp dressed black guy
4. effete hipster dipshit
5. sorority skank
6. businessman
7. sassy black woman
8. Mexican (non construction)
9. total fucking wastoid who looks like they’re about to die (guy or girl)
10. Pretend hippy
11. Gay dude out with a bunch of girls
12. Eurotrash
13. Underager
14. coked up loser sitting by himself eating dinner while high

Okay, have some fun with this, kids. I’ll see you all on Monday. Enjoy your weekends!


AlexCanteen said...

I once had White girls from CT come into the bar I was working at before a Manu Chao concert in the nearby park, and they drank white wine than asked for Washington Apple shots. I wanted to slap them.
Another time two underage people came in and ordered a Colorado Bulldog. Needless to say, their 14 year old wiles did not work on me, try as they might to show off a lack of cleavage.

Anonymous said...

i am not usually at this page more than once a day so i don't ever join in with the discussions here in the sock drawer, but i'll throw in my two cents about the tipping business.

i currently work at a restaurant and although it's more of a fast food setup, customers leave their trash on the table and we bus the tables when they leave. we usually get a small amount of tips.

i used to be a "cheap fuck" but now that i count on that money as part of my income, i find myself tipping a lot more ($1-2 per drink) than i used to. it's weird that i make a lot less money at my current job and i tip more than i did when i was making more money.

Candice said...

brendan are you writing for miamiswag on the side?

and any chance that the lawrence arms can recreate this album cover on your next release?

i'll pay extra to see that.

Jayzilla said...

i think you missed a critical point regarding tipping:

most likely the person is cheap

even more likely the person is selfish

Timothy said...

Which do you think is worse. Shit tipping, or people who tip using change. I used to bus at a restaurant and I remember lots of the servers would throw a shit fit if someone left them a bunch of nickles and dimes.

Scott said...

I miss bartending...

1. Long Island Iced Tea -> 9. total fucking wastoid who looks like they’re about to die (guy or girl)
2. Sierra Nevada -> 10. Pretend hippy
3. Effen Black Cherry/Soda -> 3. sharp dressed black guy
4. PBR/Shot of rye -> 4. effete hipster dipshit
5. 3 Olives Grape and soda-Tall -> 11. Gay dude out with a bunch of girls
6. chocolate martini -> 7. sassy black woman
7. MGD bottle -> 1. Mexican construction worker
8. Vodka red bull-tall -> 13. Underager
9. bluemoon -> 6. businessman
10. Mai Tai -> 5. sorority skank
11. Corona -> 2. fat and skanky posse of white girls

Capt Murdock said...

Regarding the change issue.

I used to go to this bar that had a special on Thursday that was a shot of well whiskey and a PBR Tall Boy for $2.50.

I would just give the dude a $5 bill. Well one night I had about six of the "specials" and on my last one I realized that I only had $3 left so I only gave him fifty cents.

He took the two quarters, looked at them and threw them at me telling me to get out of his bar.

I don't get it. I'd already tipped the dude $12.50 but now that I think of it it amy have been me giving him two quarters teh whole time.

ethan said...

I work at a movie theater, and these are the sodas that people will get.

Black people- sierra mist/fruit punch
middle aged white people- diet pepsi
mexicans- pepsi
native americans- pepsi
indians- water.... seriously.
white trash- mountain dew
Nerds- mountain dew/doctor pepper
frat boys- mountain dew

bishikon said...

the wasted people have to be drinking vodka/redbull

the business mans gotta be gettin the corona

no idea what the underages would be ordering.. the long island iced tea maybe?

Anonymous said...

Candice, I love how they blatantly admit that they know it is terrible, but it sells - as the title.

I also am about to cry at how far E-40 has fallen (the youtube video of "Booty Call"), but now I have to hear how terrible it is.

Anonymous said...

Ah, I just began watching that "music video" and it started out like a shitty emo-ish song and I thought to myself "maybe they all aren't horrendously bad, just that one song from the other music video" because it was far worse - then a guy jumped in and started screaming.

Some Young Guy said...

eh i'll post it here, too. brendan, this is right up yer alley. everyone else, this is NOT WORK SAFE. but hilarious.

Candice said...

i couldn't watch more than 10 seconds of that video without honestly getting nauseous.

christa! said...

I honestly can't tell if they are supposed to be terrible or not. They seem to be kind of a parody of themselves. The thing is, even if this whole thing is a joke the fact that they put so much time and effort into putting out an album that sucks sort of makes it even worse...

or maybe they just figured making an album would be an easy way to lose their virginity...

Sickie27 said...

I can't even being to try to win that game. I guess I'm kinda lame.

And I watched that whole video, and even rewinded. Total what the fuckery.

steveisjewish said...

as a fat dude who likes farting and cake - that was fucking awful

Gregory said...

do you know anything about bartending in Europe? I'm from Missouri and I agree with your buck per drink standard. However, I moved to England this year to teach and when I would go into bars earlier this year, I tried to tip a few times and they would always push my sterling back to me. Have you talked to anyone over here as to why this is? Do they just make ridiculous money already and don't need the tips? what gives?

Dave said...

A few guesses. The businessman has to be the Blue Moon. The hippy is the Sierra Nevada. The fake hippy is the PBR/ Shot of Rye. The sharp dressed black guy was that Zac Effron drink or whatever that was. The Mexican is MGD. The sorrority slut is the tall vodka and red bull. Th gay guy is the chocalate martini. The bunch of skank white girls is Cornona.

I would agree w/ Brinedan that $1 tip per drink is the standard of a civil society. However, in cases where the bartender is a complete asshole I will only tip occasionally. A good example of this is the old Creepy Crawl in St. Louis.

jsin1981 said...

Hey there BK I'm new to the blog and didn't know and hoped you could clear this up for me. In todays blog you said you work at a bar. Just wonderin' if you just work there when off tour or if you own it or have a partial ownership or something. If you do own it how does it operate when you are on tour(wife/friends/family/etc.) And lastly what is the name of the bar(hey if I'm ever in chi town I might stop by and leave a good tip!) Thanx JSIN

Nick said...

cakefarts is classic

bishikon said...


we dont tip in aus

Eric Baskauskas said...

aw shit man i don't think i can ever eat cake or asshole again

Manny Los Gatos said...

The Drinks:
1. Long Island Iced Tea
2. Sierra Nevada
3. Effen Black Cherry/Soda
4. PBR/Shot of rye
5. 3 Olives Grape and soda-Tall
6. chocolate martini
7. MGD bottle
8. Vodka red bull-tall
9. bluemoon
10. Mai Tai
11. Corona

Okay, now here are the choices. Keep in mind, more than one answer may be correct, and answers can be used more than once.

The drinkers:
1. Mexican construction worker 2, 7, 11
2. fat and skanky posse of white girls 1, 6, 7, 8, 11
3. sharp dressed black guy 3, 5,
4. effete hipster dipshit 2, 4, 9
5. sorority skank 1, 3, 6, 7, 8, 10, 11
6. businessman 2, 3, 5, 6, 7, 9, 11
7. sassy black woman 3, 5, 6, 8, 10
8. Mexican (non construction) 2, 7, 9, 11
9. total fucking wastoid who looks like they’re about to die (guy or girl) 4, 7, 8
10. Pretend hippy 2, 9, 11
11. Gay dude out with a bunch of girls 1, 3, 5, 6, 8, 10, 11
12. Eurotrash 3, 5, 8
13. Underager 1, 6, 7, 8, 11
14. coked up loser sitting by himself eating dinner while high 3, 5, 6

Joe said...

"Long time reader. First time poster." This little matching activity gave me something to do at work this afternoon. You should do it more often.

The Drinks:
1. Long Island Iced Tea 9,11
2. Sierra Nevada 4,6,12
3. Effen Black Cherry/Soda 3,5,12,11
4. PBR/Shot of rye 1,4,9,10,14
5. 3 Olives Grape and soda-Tall 7
6. chocolate martini 2,11
7. MGD bottle 6,1,13,14
8. Vodka red bull-tall 2,3,5,13
9. bluemoon 6,10
10. Mai Tai I've never seen anyone drink a Mai Tai in my 26 yrs of life.
11. Corona 8,10

The drinkers:
1. Mexican construction worker
2. fat and skanky posse of white girls
3. sharp dressed black guy
4. effete hipster dipshit
5. sorority skank
6. businessman
7. sassy black woman
8. Mexican (non construction)
9. total fucking wastoid who looks like they’re about to die (guy or girl)
10. Pretend hippy
11. Gay dude out with a bunch of girls
12. Eurotrash
13. Underager
14. coked up loser sitting by himself eating dinner while high

Banana@1000MPH said...

if you enjoy cakefarts

there is

but the only one I found funny,

Also, I think this is great (not NSFW):
(one URL)

Tom said...

Yo does anyone have the larry arm shirt with some guy sleeping and theres a penguin looking in on him from the doorway and he has one eye open looking at the penguin. My ex-girlfriend gave me that shirt and I can't find it anywhere. Its really awesome. Just wondering where the hell it came from.

distilledwater said...

Yo Gregory,

Yea tipping doesn't really happen in many other countries apart from the states (i think).. I live in NZ (its the same in Aus and UK) we have a service tax that is added to any product we buy.. so the tip is pretty much included in the product/service we are paying for.
In New Zealand its called GST in UK its the VAT i believe.
I struggled to come to grips with the whole tipping process last year when i was in the states.

Anonymous said...

I don't have the energy to pick more than one person per drink so I just picked the right ones...unless I'm completely wrong, I've never been inside your head Beex.

1. Long Island - Fat Gaggle of White Chicks
2. Sierra Nevada - Effete Hipster
3. Black Cherry/Soda - Sassy Black Woman
4. PBR/Rye - Coked Out (Broke) Loser
5. 3 Olives Grape and Soda - Sharp Dressed Black Dude
6. Chocolate Martini - Sorority Skank
7. MGD Bottle - Mexican (Construction)
8. Vodka Red Bull - Underager
9. Blue Moon - Businessman
10. Mai Tai - Gay Dude with Chicks
11. Corona - Mexican (Non Construction)

Owner Operator said...

hey kids.
yeh on hte tipping issue. i worked in a bar here in oz (australia). made in excess of 20 smackers an hour and that wasn't good money. sometimes you get tipped but it's not expected at all. usually maybe if you hook someone up with 5 different mixers and you do it well and quickly or something but it's not expected. the gst is 10% but that goes to the government. at hte bar we just get paid enough that we don't need/deserve to be tipped. when i was in canada i would always tip big on the first mixed drink i got and then if the bar tender was anygood the next ones would be super strong.

i went to one bar that had really cheap beers (2.25) and the girl opened my two beers, i payed with a ten and she gave me all my change in cins. made me angry so i only tipped 50 cents. then the next time i had a guy serve me. he gave me a $5 note and a 50 cent coin so i reached into my pocket and tipped him 2 bucks (cos the girl had given me all the coins already) i think tipping should go both ways and if you're super shit at your job or a bitch/cunt of a person to the customers then you get what you desrve. on that note i tip every now and then at a busy bar here in australia in the hope of getting served faster if the barman recognises my face :P


Robb said...

There's a real multitude of exciting possibilities here, since most all of these drinks--with the possible sole exception of pbr/rye shot--can be linked to multiple stereotypes by context. If, say, gay guy and posse of girls put forth their best pathetic attempt at ironic fun, I could easily see them guzzling coronas--cuz hey, that's "trashy"! A genuine trashy beer wouldn't occur to them.
Similarly, if posse of fat white skanks were "on the prowl", they would likely opt for the Effen black cherry/sodas in an ernest attempt to catch the eye of sharp-dressed black male, since he's obviously their best shot by far.

Brian Cruz said...

So I'm new to bsc but from what i've read I love. I started reading right after the second day of sound clash with The Falcon. I was at the Dillinger Four show on Thursday the 4th I was wondering how many bsc regulars were there and I actually have a question for BK. At the D4 show and a show the day before at Phrat Farm I had heard people mention the Punk Community and how great it is in Chicago. What are your feelings about the community? do you feel it's a bunch of bull shit or do you feel like what we have going is really great seeing as how you play in both The Falcon and The Lawrence Arms you are surely apart of this "community". Do you feel like we need to do more to keep it thriving? Is it something you believe will blow over in acouple years? any reactions are fine really I was just wondering what others thinks about this.

Scott Juniper. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Scott Juniper. said...

I think underager has to be the MGD bottle... I think it's the equivalent of "can I get a canadian?" in Canada. or "can I have DuMaurier?" for smokes... all from kids who are clearly not 19. speaking of which, what's the cigarette of choice for Americans? if it's anything but Camel Lights I'll be disappointed.

Mark said...

Hmmmm, coming from the UK we don't tend to tip because we're too busy drinking cheap liquor and punching each other in the face.

However, when in the States I usually throw in a dollar so not to offend. How did this whole tipping thing start anyway? When did it become mandatory for you guys?

bert said...

i've been doing a buck a drink for 7 years now, but i think there are certain instances that require special attention. such as pitchers... generally for a mini pitcher its 2.50... for a large 4 bucks... just sayin...

T.NERB said...

1. Long Island Iced Tea -- 3,5,9,13
2. Sierra Nevada -- 10
3. Effen Black Cherry/Soda -- 2,3
4. PBR/Shot of rye -- 4,9,14
5. 3 Olives Grape and soda-Tall -- 3,5,7,11
6. chocolate martini -- 5,7,11
7. MGD bottle -- 6
8. Vodka red bull-tall -- 2,5,7,13
9. bluemoon -- 4,10
10. Mai Tai -- 5,7,11
11. Corona -- 1,8

sheila said...

Not sure how relevant this is across the board, as locality is most likely a deciding factor, and considering my 'tending experience is close to 400 miles differnce from yours, this is what drink preference is in southwestern/bumfucktegypt PA:

1. 2,5,9,14
2. 10
3. 7
4. 4,
5. 2,5,
6. 12
7. 1,8
8. 9,, 14
9. 6, 10
10. 11, 12
11. 3,13

p.s. keep in mind that i am intoxicted while taking this quiz and am lucky to be able to type the word verification, so bonus points are greatly appreciated.

Suzanne said...

I don't know what you call it in Chicago, but I know the drink of choice here in cali isn't the Long island anymore, if you're looking to get wasted, it's the Black Superman. Most often ordered by pretentious shits who wouldn't know a decent tasting drink if it hit them in the testicles.. It's a long island with chambord, blue curacao and occasionally midori added. Some people put pineapple in there too, and instead of the coke, you use sprite.

I could play this game with you, but I think the drink demographics are very different from state to state. Michigan drinkers are totally different from Cali drinkers, for example.

3 wisdom teeth said...

If you can’t afford to tip, you can’t afford to go out!

If you are going to tip every other drink, drink in a parking lot somewhere and open your own fucking beers…you can still come up with some strange hanging out in parking lots anyway, it all doesn’t just hang out in bars.

I have worked in the service industry for ten years and watching assholes try and save money by not tipping is a joke. Also, witnessing just about everyone pretend like they don’t know how to add is just as retarded…actual cost of their purchases, plus tax, then add the tip (example: I meet with my idiot childhood friends who have not yet evolved, they purchase a burger $8.50, two beers at $3.50 a piece…what’s the total they throw in towards the bill and the math behind their contribution?...$16!!! Surprise…wanna know how this happened, motherfucker saw 8, 3 and 3…came up with $14 and just figured theyd “tip”, by tossing in the extra $2). While in reality, the actual cost of their purchases plus tax is around $17…depending on the sales tax in your state (AZ, 8.1 percent) so, if your total is $17, you should put in a total of $21, minimum! Fuckin idiots… I personally put more in, this is an example for any of you who add like my friends.
This shit happens every time I meet up with them so guess what usually occurs, (suspense, drum roll) if I meet up with five dudes and they are all usually around five bucks short I get the tab and its fucking $25 short. Then they all act like they are putting in extra if I call em on it. Last time I met up late, tab went around, I throw in $30, dude says “bob, that’s too much, what all did u get?” Nothing! I got nothing! I met up with you fuckin jackoffs and I’d be embarrassed to comeback here after you guys pull your get out of tipping stunt. PHEW anyhoo, sorry for the extensive rant, so bottled up.

I’ve been a valet a long time…we get stiffed more than anyone. I know this occurs for 2 reasons, either the customer thinks “complimentary” sign means that its completely free for them, or if there is a service charge, say “$3 service charge”, they think our wage is included in the shit. For the most part I think the stiffers know they are stiffing but think they are really good at playing dumb, which is way worse than being a complete fucking idiot who doesn’t know what’s going on. Since I could go on all day with valet stories I will just give you all some basics and leave stories out.

$3 on top of service charge is good, unless in the rare instance its posted that tip is included.

IF its complimentary valet…$3(minimum!) to $5. Basically, $1 is obviously obnoxious and $2 for valet is what all old people who retired in 1975 still tip.

As for the game, I think of few of these guys up there nailed it…but I could definitely tell you what they would tip a valet, I have bet all my shift’s tips on what an individual will or will not tip in the past.

Richard said...

Quick question, I've been lurking a long time now reading the amazing wisdom that has been granted upon me by Brendan Kelly.

When'd you start playing bass, anyways, Brendan? You got to the Slapstick portion and I was really excited to hear how you went from doing vocals to pulling double duty and playing bass, and then it skipped over to the Broadways portion and then the TLA portion.

To the rest of you: My catchpa is the word drink. I think it's trying to tell me something.

kouPhax said...

I live in Northern Ireland and tipping is (as with most of the world) not something that is expected as it appears to be in the States. What I don't understand is what jobs qualify as "this person should get a tip"? Sales Assistants don't get tipped (I assume) - but why not? I worked as a Shop Assistant for a while and got paid sweet fuck all but never did I expect or did anyone tip me. Why?

BTW This is a genuine question I am not trying to start an argument or anything.

nancy said...

Tipping services? Getting your hair done, nails done, eating out, drinking out, valet (wink 3wisdomteeth), when people deliver furniture to your house (also the moving men who help you move), god it could go on and on. I have a little question BK...what is to be said about when a non-boozer such as myself goes to see a show at a bar and I order a seltzer and they give it to me for free....I tip $2 per free seltzer. Is that being reasonable? Also, why are they giving it away for free?

christa! said...

I'm not quite sure how the whole thing started but for the most part, servers, bartenders etc. usually get paid below minimum wage. I used to work at a resturant and I think I got something like $2.50 or $3 an hour. I'm not sure which came first, the tipping or the shitty hourly wage, but either way people in the service industry rely on their tips more than anything else...

As a side note, I was the worst waitress ever, as my tolerance for idiots is very low, so I never made any money. Heh.