Tuesday, June 30, 2009

slouching off to be born...

What’s going on here? Every day I come to this blog to lighten my mood and get me through my post-breakfast-and-smoke-break dump, and all I’m getting is self righteous proselytizing about how religion is stupid and how everyone dies someday. What the fuck is that? This isn’t the Bad Sandwich Chronicles I signed up for! This isn’t sassy advice, celeb watching, baby rearing, dick joking smartassing stream of consciousness shit with tons of cursing. I mean, I hate to have to point out the elephant in the room and all but HEY MAN, WHERE’S THE FUCKING FELCHING? What’s going on here? Is this like when Blink 182 suddenly decided that they’d be a ‘serious band’? Because I mean, let’s face the facts…they were already a serious band. Seriously retarded. HA! Nah, nah. I’m joking. I joke. I kid. What I mean is, they were fine, and they were evolving and there’s no need to eliminate humor from something. It doesn’t make it better, man. EVER. Humor is the key element that takes something that’s decent and makes it great. I’m not saying everything has to be laugh out loud funny, but there’s a self awareness that goes into humor that’s a goddamn necessity in creating something. Even something very serious. I mean, when Blink sang that song about that kid killing himself, it was resonant because it was surrounded by the humor of their personas, when they sang “what’s my age again” it completely hit you in the gut because it was funny, but it also turned serious at the end. You can’t make a good movie that’s devoid of humor, no matter what genre you’re in. That’s a fucking fact, jack. You wanna see what happens when you take humor completely out of something? Look at Jim Carrey. That’s what happens, man. The number 23. Yeah. I’ve shit out better reels.
So look, where did the felching go? Not to belabor the point, but how about a story about when you were on tour and used some of that confidence to felch some broads when some dudes walked in and had a drinking contest and you said something about tying their dick up in bows or something like you say…used to say, I guess, back when you used to tell dick jokes all the time and actually be fucking COOL, man. I mean, did you forget about your sam, mister Frodo? He’s been carrying you this whole fucking time, man. Dick jokes, fart jokes, pussy jokes. That’s the shit. That’s YOUR shit. You used to OWN THAT SHIT.
AND, that’s another thing! When’s the last time you begged your slaves for nudes? It’s like you’re not even you anymore. I want you to come out swinging. Yeah, I’m talking about your dick, cochese! I want you out there, mixing it up, telling that drunk kid from Australia that he types like a one eyed peacock with his dick in a pencil sharpener. How about some more shit about drugs? Sparks? They don’t even make the virgin sparks anymore, and you haven’t even mentioned that shit AT ALL. It’s all jesus this and god that. I mean, what are you, some fucking waterskier on the wake of the cultural zeitgeist? That ship has already been through here man. There’s mainstream movies mocking religion now. There are more non religious people in this country then there are black dudes. And that’s saying something man. And the shit about seizing the day? Uh, Robin Williams called using a space/time phone. He’s calling from 1989. He wanted me to tell you that he (another poor bastard who abandoned humor for complete homodom) that he already did a movie about that when you WERE IN GRADE SCHOOL.
You’re getting soft. That’s right. I said it. You’re sitting up there, in your tower, tossing these crappy sandwiches down at the rest of us like some sort of captain of industry in a zeppelin tossing nickels to the unwashed hordes (and you JUST used that analogy like 3 weeks ago! Right in this very space, you lazy bastard!) ignoring what we all want! What do you think of Taylor Swift? Does she swallow? WHAT HAPPENS ON THE ROAD? WHY WON’T THIS BITCH EVER LET ME TIE HER UP AND EAT SAUSAGES OUT OF HER ASS?????
I mean, if this keeps up, I’m gonna start a groundswell in the fucking sockdrawer and get you replaced with someone who knows what this space is for and why people come here, capice? Okay, that’s pretty much everything. Hope you’re well.

31 comments:

Matt Ramone said...

This is like Mars Volta if the Mars Volta had something worthwhile to say and knew about urban dictionary.

Tim & Rac said...

Standing ovation.

Andrew said...

this reminded me of denzel washington's tirade in training day.
KING KONG AIN'T GOT SHIT ON ME!

Matt Ramone said...

Andrew

Or Mike Tyson's "ALL PRAISE TO ALLAH/I'M-A EAT HIS CHILL'REN!" RANT.

Toto said...

yesterday i got so drunk i puked in the elevator next to the girl i always liked and got her shoes all wet with beer and gastric juices.
will i get to see her again?

also,i'm from Argentina, not Australia. (?)

PD: fuck bradd pitt and angelina jolie, i hope they die in a plane crash falling into a volcano.
stop collecting kids you retarded fucks.

CrgFlxbl said...

What's the best way to do it on a floor that has plush carpeting and not get rug burn?

Because the bed is too noisy and discretion is key.

PIXI said...

funny post man. Does Taylor Swift swallow? I was actually listening to her when I read that. cracked me up, but yeah, more stories!

PIXI said...

crgflxbl, lay down a sheet.

Sickie27 said...

I would just like to say I asked the Sock Drawer exactly one week ago on my birthday to send me some birthday nudes... Guys AND gals. And I must say, most of these assholes did not deliver and I am pissed/offended. (But to those who did, thank you, they were beastly.)

yumikonofx@yahoo.com

^It's never too late.^

christa! said...

Maybe this makes me a self-righteous, know it all asshole but I always enjoy the rants about religion/society/mongoloids/ the general terribleness of everything.

...of course I could never say anything bad about felching.

It's a nice mix.

Tim & Rac said...

Christa! i would agree with you... however this blog was posted on a convenient day for me. I totally needed this punch of energy.

and CrgFlxbl... the last part of your name looks like FLEXIBLE. If you are, indeed flexible (or hell, even if she is) then you can jsut do it standing up, over furniture, and many other pretzel-like ways. Why the hell would you want a horiztonally flat surface? You deserve the goddamn rug burn!

Much love,

Rac

Robb said...

Personally, Toto, I'm not entirely sure if a girl who just stands there and lets you spew gastric juice on here shoes is really worthy of your time/respect. It reeks of 'overeager to please'. You can hurl all the excuses like "we were in an enclosed 6X5 space" you want, but that's padding and dodging the real issue.
Now where's Candice at? I need to congrats her on becoming a full-on parody of herself; puke on here shoes.

bombadepanico said...

Today in punk news warped's finest:

"...Been wondering how I could interview 15 bands at Warped Tour, about Warped Tour and make it interesting for them, myself, and readers. Been listening to The Lawrence Arms' Oh Calcutta. I forgot about the song about Warped Tour. The Arms were kicked off the Tour a few years ago. Some say it was because they kept talking shit about the Tour. Who knows. Either way, I can't help but laugh about it...."


Weird!

Robb said...

I just typed 'here' instead of her 2x. Jesus.

Mikey said...

I was going back and forth about whether I should go to warped. I think I'm not. But I'll just be sad that so many bands like Streetlight, Less than Jake, the Flatliners, P.O.S., bad religion, etc. and most importantly...brokencyde...will be in town and I'm not gonna go see them.

But $56 just doesn't scream "punk" to me.

So then I got thinking, I'd love to hear from Brendan Kelly his story of Warped Tour. That would be pretty cool.

and CrgFlxbl - you're bf/gf/sexybuddy is alright with carpet anyways? IMO it needs to start somewhere more comfortable/outrageous and THEN move to the floor if it does.

Also, put the mattress from the bed on the floor. This works well. IT takes away the noise but give you comfort. Have fun. :)

Banana@1000MPH said...

I always thought the joke about that Blink-182 suicide song was that it was called "Adam's Song" and just happened to have the same name as the Titannica song from Mr. Show where they write a song for their suicidal fan to try again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmNApZRy3wk

Bridgett said...

CrgFlxbl: Chairs are good. Quieter than a bed, less painful than carpet.

Dan said...

Plush carpet, buy a motherfucking liberator. It doesn't get much more discrete than that.

Nick said...

Long time reader first time commenter. I didn't notice anyone else mention felching soooo, if you want to hear more about it listen to Eminem's new cd with the song called Insane, he's got a nice little rant in there about it, it's pretty classic.

Toto said...

Robb: yeah i know, there are no excuses for receiving someone else's gastric juices but she is waaaay too nice and pretty, and in the end if you think about it,she actually received my gastric juices man, i mean...she took all those warm, yellowish, acid juices just for me.
that's my definition of romance.taking what's inside of other person and not caring.
ok, maybe not...

now listening to Down in the dumps. fucking great band.

PD:fuck you brad pitt, you too angelina.

Jayzilla said...

toto -- think of all the cute 'dad puked on mom's shoes when they first met' stories your kids are going to have

shoe puking is basically engagement

Candice said...

here i am robb. i moved to jersey today AND got into an accident with a semi-truck with my new car. totally awesome.

and maybe i'm just overly tired but i'm very confused. are you saying i got my shoes puked on yesterday? i thought i only got my face jizzed on yesterday. but it was a long day. both may have happened.

Owner Operator said...

yeh yeh yeh! the warped touyr story please? if there is one... yeh.

CrgFlxbl said...

I love all of you.

kylewagoner said...

and how about those Juggalos?

Robb said...

I was expressing my own need/desire to puke on your shoes, but the urge has since passed. Yeah car accidents will ruin your fucking day without fail. I've been in several; luckily nothing that couldn't be shaken off after a couple stiff drinks.

Tim & Rac said...

Candice, where at in jersey? i'm in jersey and leaving.

Mark said...

So anyways, I'm in need of some advice, Brendan. There's this girl I know and kind of fancy, and she's going to the Warped Tour. Well, I know how you feel about that, but there are a few redeeming qualities this year (Bad Religion, Less Than Jake, Bouncing Souls, Streetlight Manifesto, among others). Anyways, the bands she's interested in going for are utter shit like the Maine, We the Kings, and Underoath. How would you recommend me persuading her to go see the few good bands without sounding like a total elitist dickbag when you consider the following:

1.) I will not be able to attend the tour with her, and seeing as how I'm out of town until after the tour, I won't be able to see/hang out/do her until it's too late.
2.) I have no means of burning mixtapes or albums for her.
3.) My only means of communication with her is through facebook messaging.
4.) We're not good enough friends where I can come across as the egomaniacal bastard through facebook. Sarcasm's difficult to convey through the internet.
5.) She's going with a friend who evidently likes the shitty bands she's going for more than she does.
6.) The deadline is July 23rd, Charlotte's Warped Tour date.

My ultimate goal is to get her into listening to good stuff like the Larry Arms, Cobra Skulls, the Menzingers, that sort of thing, and then maybe after that, get into a beej-friendly relationship or something like that. But anyways, how should I go about trying to convert her without coming across as too much of a musical elitist/assrod?

Thanks a lot, dude. Can't wait until the 7" is released!

kouPhax said...

CrgFlxb: What's the best way to do it on a floor that has plush carpeting and not get rug burn?

Because the bed is too noisy and discretion is key.


Jizz in her ear.

Tim & Rac said...

there's nothing wrong with being a musical elitist/assrod.

Fat Mike said its our job to keep punk rock elite.

Candice said...

i'm living in chatham and working at a hospital in beautiful elizabeth nj