What’s going on here? Every day I come to this blog to lighten my mood and get me through my post-breakfast-and-smoke-break dump, and all I’m getting is self righteous proselytizing about how religion is stupid and how everyone dies someday. What the fuck is that? This isn’t the Bad Sandwich Chronicles I signed up for! This isn’t sassy advice, celeb watching, baby rearing, dick joking smartassing stream of consciousness shit with tons of cursing. I mean, I hate to have to point out the elephant in the room and all but HEY MAN, WHERE’S THE FUCKING FELCHING? What’s going on here? Is this like when Blink 182 suddenly decided that they’d be a ‘serious band’? Because I mean, let’s face the facts…they were already a serious band. Seriously retarded. HA! Nah, nah. I’m joking. I joke. I kid. What I mean is, they were fine, and they were evolving and there’s no need to eliminate humor from something. It doesn’t make it better, man. EVER. Humor is the key element that takes something that’s decent and makes it great. I’m not saying everything has to be laugh out loud funny, but there’s a self awareness that goes into humor that’s a goddamn necessity in creating something. Even something very serious. I mean, when Blink sang that song about that kid killing himself, it was resonant because it was surrounded by the humor of their personas, when they sang “what’s my age again” it completely hit you in the gut because it was funny, but it also turned serious at the end. You can’t make a good movie that’s devoid of humor, no matter what genre you’re in. That’s a fucking fact, jack. You wanna see what happens when you take humor completely out of something? Look at Jim Carrey. That’s what happens, man. The number 23. Yeah. I’ve shit out better reels.
So look, where did the felching go? Not to belabor the point, but how about a story about when you were on tour and used some of that confidence to felch some broads when some dudes walked in and had a drinking contest and you said something about tying their dick up in bows or something like you say…used to say, I guess, back when you used to tell dick jokes all the time and actually be fucking COOL, man. I mean, did you forget about your sam, mister Frodo? He’s been carrying you this whole fucking time, man. Dick jokes, fart jokes, pussy jokes. That’s the shit. That’s YOUR shit. You used to OWN THAT SHIT.
AND, that’s another thing! When’s the last time you begged your slaves for nudes? It’s like you’re not even you anymore. I want you to come out swinging. Yeah, I’m talking about your dick, cochese! I want you out there, mixing it up, telling that drunk kid from Australia that he types like a one eyed peacock with his dick in a pencil sharpener. How about some more shit about drugs? Sparks? They don’t even make the virgin sparks anymore, and you haven’t even mentioned that shit AT ALL. It’s all jesus this and god that. I mean, what are you, some fucking waterskier on the wake of the cultural zeitgeist? That ship has already been through here man. There’s mainstream movies mocking religion now. There are more non religious people in this country then there are black dudes. And that’s saying something man. And the shit about seizing the day? Uh, Robin Williams called using a space/time phone. He’s calling from 1989. He wanted me to tell you that he (another poor bastard who abandoned humor for complete homodom) that he already did a movie about that when you WERE IN GRADE SCHOOL.
You’re getting soft. That’s right. I said it. You’re sitting up there, in your tower, tossing these crappy sandwiches down at the rest of us like some sort of captain of industry in a zeppelin tossing nickels to the unwashed hordes (and you JUST used that analogy like 3 weeks ago! Right in this very space, you lazy bastard!) ignoring what we all want! What do you think of Taylor Swift? Does she swallow? WHAT HAPPENS ON THE ROAD? WHY WON’T THIS BITCH EVER LET ME TIE HER UP AND EAT SAUSAGES OUT OF HER ASS?????
I mean, if this keeps up, I’m gonna start a groundswell in the fucking sockdrawer and get you replaced with someone who knows what this space is for and why people come here, capice? Okay, that’s pretty much everything. Hope you’re well.