Wednesday, June 10, 2009

I think of all the really cool things I could do or say, then you go and you tell me that you found out dean was gay...

Okay, man. What the fuck? Do you people think I have nothing but time on my hands? This is ridiculous. Oh sure, blame it on the internet and the general culture of depravity that we’ve fostered here in cyberspace! Blame it on divorce rates and daddy issues if you must, but know, Sock Drawer, KNOW that I blame you. Of course I’m referring to isshefilthy.blogspot.com. One of you socks turned me on to this one yesterday and FUUUUUUUCK. How am I supposed to get anything done with that website out there, man? I mean, shit, look what time it is! Okay, quick primer: Is She Filthy is set up a lot like guesshermuff, in fact, if it’s not set up by the very same people, it’s set up by seriously uncreative impersonators. THIS website’s little ‘game’ involves you guessing if the girl in the picture is ‘filthy’ which, in the context of the website seems to mean ‘sexually active’ (spoiler alert: The answer is always yes) and then clicking on the link to see said girl, oh, I don’t know…hogtied and buttfucked with big red handslap prints all over her ass and thighs, just for example. It’s captivating, I’ll say that much for it. Anyway, I don’t know what it is, the presentation or what, because it’s so much more compelling than just regular pornography. It’s kind of this real impressionist storytelling. You see one person in two various states and there’s this little connection that my brain tries to make as far as what happened between the pictures. I don’t know, man. That’s pretty philosophical for porn, I guess, and lord knows I’m no Nick Manning (DROPPIN LOADS!!!) Let’s just suffice it to say I’m thrilled and disgusted at the same time. Okay, enough of my life has been wasted on this thrilling website already. On to bigger topics.
Yesterday, late, someone posted in the sock drawer looking for advice. It’s pretty funny, I think, so I’m gonna give it a whirl. Here goes:

Q
So there's this girl, I've known her since 6th grade, we dated for 3 and a half years from when we were 19-23 and I treated her like shit. I cheated on her frequently. I was not a good person, at all. I broke her fucking heart.__Since we've been broken up, we've always fooled around still when we were both single. But since about January she's been in a long distance relationship with this guy (he lives in Oregon, we live in Minnesota).__Needless to say, this guy hates me. Because, while I did pretty unforgivable things to this girl, she forgave me and we have remained best friends. We talk every day and still hang out once every couple weeks. Her boyfriend hates the fact that we're so close and is insecure.__He has every right to be, because, while at first after they started dating, when her and I would hang out, it was obvious there was sexual tension, but we never acted on it. Then a few weeks ago, I was coming off a pretty hard night of drinking and was at her place recovering from the hangover and we ended up sleeping together.__And then she got a call from him that same day and he broke up with her. He didn't even know that her and I were hanging out right then, he was just generally unhappy in the relationship. She was devastated and asked me to stay the night. Which I did. But the next day they got back together and she told me that we could no longer be as close as we were because she needed to try to make it work with him.__That was all fine and good, and at first we were more distant, but the more we hung out and talked, the closer we became again. After we got drunk together at a Lucero show the other night I spent the night over there again.__The next morning I left my phone there and she went through it and found some texts I had sent to a booty call I have. And while she knew about this girl, seeing the texts in print was too much for her to take. She just told me that she only wants to talk me once a month and only to hear that I am doing all right. She says she is going to move to Oregon at the end of July and is probably going to marry the guy out there. She says she doesn't feel about him, the way she did and does feel about me, but she's just not willing to get crushed again.__I don't want her to go. I have been trying to get her back for the past few months. But I know I fucked shit up in the past, and I feel like I owe it to her to let her go and to just see what happens. What should I do Brendan? Did I blow any chance of getting her back? Is it hopeless? Be as blunt as possible.

A
Dude, you know exactly what’s going on here, okay. You’ve been manipulating this girl successfully for a while now, and there’s no reason that I can see that you should stop now. You obviously like doing it, she obviously likes you doing it. What’s the question here? This seems less like a quest for guidance and more like a proclamation of awesomeness. You’re fucking STOKED on yourself and your dick sharing ways and this chick’s goofy drama. This much is very, VERY clear in this letter. And good on ya, man. I’m not here to judge. Someone in the drawer wrote in some sort of reply that’s like “just let the poor girl get her life together and be thankful she doesn’t hate you!” But that’s really missing the point here. She’s obviously got self destructive tendencies, and masochistic tendencies (why else would she go snooping through your text history?) and this dude obviously has a love of exploiting those tendencies. What’s the actual question? Can you get her back? Yeah, sure. Seems like you’ve already done that more times than I’ve toured Japan. Do you owe anything to her? Probably. Are you a dick? Most likely. Does any of this matter the next time you guys see each other and get drunk and end up posting pictures of it on isshefilthy.blogspot.com (she is, by the way)? Nope. Not even a little. I mean, what’s my role here? Should I say “nah, dude. Don’t go for it. Leave the poor girl be”? Are you gonna listen to me? No. and if you do (which you won’t), the second she gets drunk and texts you, it’s all gonna go out the window anyway. At this point your behavior and her behavior are so molded to each other’s various dominant and submissive tendencies, that she’s really gonna have to step up and get a sack to ever get rid of you. Is she gonna? Only she really knows, but I’d say that she’s all yours until that fateful day when she really, truly doesn’t want you around. At that point, you’ll just need to find another chick with low self esteem. Good luck.

Nerds, pussies out there. Take note. This guy uses the confidence method perfectly. Now, you don’t have to create a swath of destruction behind you, but if you employ my method of unflappable confidence, you’ll at least have the OPTION of creating said swath of destruction. We’re teaching powerful techniques here at BSC, mofos. Yeah. Okay, what else?
Ah, someone wanted to hear a good wedding story. Well, I don’t really have any, but my friend Sean Nader has a bunch. There was one wedding where by the time everyone got to the reception (which, if I’m not mistaken took place in the early afternoon) Nader was already shirtless and shotgunning beer. I believe he and his date (a dude, to bring it all back to yesterday’s advice concerning bringing a buddy to a wedding but not getting too fucked up) were actually both staggering drunk and shirtless and ended up fistfighting and getting kicked out. I don’t know if I’m telling this story entirely right, but I’m not far off. He’s amazing, ladies and gentlemen. Maybe I’ll talk to him and get the full and correct story for tomorrow. Hmmm…okay.
What else? Man, I got nothing. We practiced last night and I’m beat. All right, I got a lot of chicks to guess the filth level of before my baby wakes up. Good luck down there, Sock Drawer. See you tomorrow!

16 comments:

Kyle said...

Get Nader in as a periodical guest blogger.

PIXI said...

My sister and I went to my cousin Cassie's wedding a few years ago. About an hour after we started drinking from the keg, my cousin, Chris (Cassie's brother) told us that he had hid some hard liquor and we could have some. I didn't cuz I had already been drinking beer for an hour, but my sister made the switch. We both got wasted with my cousin and his friends and were arguing over who had to drive the hour home. My sister started, but it wasn't even 5 min before she starts veering toward the ditch. I was wasted too, but I knew I could drive better than that. So, I drove and had to pull over a few times for her to throw up.
Ok, but my favorite wedding was my step-brother's in Colorado last year. It was real extravagant and I even got to ride down a mountain in a limo. My sister, our friend, and I ended up having a party in our hotel room after the reception. It was also mine and our friend's birthday. Pretty wild.

PIXI said...

Oh, I forgot the funniest part from the 1st wedding. Chris took one of Cassie's friends back to their parents house and woke everyone up with their raucous lovemaking

casey said...

I have actually been dis-invited to a few weddings because of a history of awkward behavior:

Wedding 1: I was sixteen, was way too drunk (duh), got kicked out of the reception-area bar, and passed out in vomit in a hotel lobby restroom.

Wedding 2: Twenty-years old. Coincidentally it was the night after my first underage. Still got wasted (duh), and was puking on the steps of the reception hall when a passing policeman shined his flashlight in my eyes and asked my name and age. I gave him a fake name, told him I was 22, and puked all over his shoes. He wasn't pleased.

Wedding 3: Ended up uncorking & drinking a bottle of wine from the bride & groom's gift table (I bought it... not that it isn't still a douche move). Proceeded to go back to the hotel and nail my best friend's sister in the stairwell while he slept in the lobby.

Dave said...

I agree with your response to that dudes request for advice. That dude is stoked on himself that he could get that girl back whenever he wanted. Those high confidence guys really know how to work the ladies but are generally unbearable to be around in my book.

BK here's a question for you. What is an appropriate relationship for your girlfriend/wife to have with an ex-boyfriend? Would you want your wife going out to eat or to the movies with some old boyfriend? I know you have posted about not being a jealous douchebag because that will just want to make them cheat on you more. Where do you draw the line between being jealous and being stupid?

When I first started going out with my girlfriend, her ex wanted her to drive to Chicago to "hang out" and stay at his house. (we are in st. louis). Mind you, she was not invited with other friends, just her. I told her i would find someone else if she did that. She didn't end up going, and we are still together. You are like Dear Abby, with dick jokes, so I am curious as to you take on that.

Also, we need more Nader and Hennesey stories.

Scott said...

hahaha..."Dear Abby with dick jokes!" that made my day

Tim & Rac said...

I'm studying political science, and apparently manipulation is one of the best forms of power...... although I think it's best used for sex rather than establishing, well, whatever.

The guys makes a terrific asshole... and we all have to be good at something.

Matt Ramone said...

http://www.gothsinhotweather.com/

Banana@1000MPH said...

isshefilthy completely ruined guesshermuff for me, although, as far as an actual game goes, guesshermuff is better because there is actual guessing involved.

Jayzilla said...

nick manning is no rex manning


but then again, who is?

monkeyman8889 said...

I never knew 100% of the girl population was that filthy...

My fat ass has been lied to for so long!

Bridgett said...

Holy beef curtains on #309. What the fuck is wrong with these chicks? #307, really? Corn? Man, I'm glad I'm too fat to end up on these websites.

3 wisdom teeth said...

the down fall for the confident manipulative guy is that sometimes they can't stop for their own good. My friend Will works as a door guy at this bar and has banged all the girls who work there and every girl who walks through the door. he does this with no money, car, or any other shit most guys think they need to get tang. All he uses is good old fashioned confidence.
Now, he recently ran into the situation where it worked against him, like a car salesman who just cant stop!! u know the type, guy works 7 days a week at the lot and all of a sudden hes running his moms credit at christmas dinner...

anyhoo, he really liked a girl for first time in 4 years...called her his girlfriend, loved her, etc. problem was, he continually employed the same tactics that kept all the girls coming through the turnstyle in his bedroom no matter what. they just broke up and i can see that he is hurt, however, he has developed traits that will keep him from being able to retain the "good girls" when they come around. just my take.

other subject!

first couple years i jerked off i never used a tissue catchers mit. I would just stand in bathroom or bedroom and whip it and after i jizzed everywhere i would just track it down and wipe it up, which, im sure left some behind that others may have encountered... oh well, only took me couple years to find a way to catch so i wouldnt have to clean up. was i the only kid this retarded? or sock drawer/brendan have similar interesting experiences?...

also, ladies and gents, how bout after sex clean up? if you pull out on a girl/guy and they are just covered in jizz, do you enjoy this sight? reach for a shirt and help clean up? laugh? let them deal with it?
ive done all these, just wondering what the social norm is here? what do you guys do?

i have more experience than this sounds...just trying to help bring it back to jizz! :)

Mikey said...

I've got a question for you about the whole confidence subject.

You always talk about how important confidence is. But surely you know people (and if you're like me you know TONS, holy fuck...) who are too confident and their just annoying. They think they're good at acting. They're too cocky and they're not. They think they're good at singing. They're not. They think they're funny. They're not. They think everyone is their friend. Everyone rolls their eyes at the mention of him/her (usually him).

What about those people?

SWAYBACK said...

i love you dearly b. kelly

John F. said...

Speaking of weddings, a good friend of mine recently got back with his recently-ex-girlfriend (he unceremoniously kicked her to the curb after finding she'd been cheating on him for months; the upcoming business trip was actually a romantic rendezvous between her and The Other Man) by way of proposing to her. I admit, I haven't been a fan of this girl for some time- she has, on a few occasions, tried to bring myself and another friend of ours home with her- but is there a good way to tell my friend he's making a huge mistake?