Tuesday, June 2, 2009

the kitchen sink

Check this shit out, Sock Drawer! Sorry I didn’t rap at you guys yesterday, but I had a lot of shit on my mind, and I wasn’t in the mood. I know, that leaves a two and a half minute void in your day that can’t be replaced and for that I’m so, so, so terribly sorry.
I’m gonna make it up to you guys today though. I’m gonna go through everything that makes this blog great all in one entry.
First, let’s see what’s in the news:
Oh look. That evil man who helped young people who weren’t ready to die in childbirth or deal with having horrendously deformed children was heroically gunned down by some jesus toting mongaloid hero. Okay, okay, okay. Look. Yesterday I listened to interviews with a bunch of that doctor Tiller’s patients, who all, to the last, described him as a compassionate and kind man and each of them emphasized how important and valuable his services were in terms of them keeping their lives together. I don’t know, man. That shouldn’t even matter, honestly. The guy was doing his job, his legal job and he was doing it ethically, and you can’t just go fucking shooting people, man. I mean, even if you ignore the ‘turn the other cheek’ advice from your big, dumb old book, even if you are a fundamentalist Christian asshole who hates abortions and all that, isn’t this murder the EXACT same behavior that all the conservative keep-jesus-in-america types are absolutely going apeshit about when muslims do it? Just killing infidels just for the pure sport of satisfying god? I mean, COULD YOU FUCKING PEOPLE BE ANY MORE TRANSPARENTLY MORONIC? I guess that’s the thing though, if you abort the fetuses with all the horrible mental defects, well, who’s gonna pick up jesus’s (or Mohammed’s, for that matter) torch and continue the crusade against fags, abortions, brown people, science, evolution, rational thought, critical thinking and dinosaurs. Good. Good for them. I’m glad they killed the guy. Next up! Carl Sagan. Oh, he’s dead? Um, Hawking? How about just anyone who reads then? Good.
On to lighter issues…Let’s rap for a second about a great and criminally underrated punk rock album. Of course I’m referring to Kingwood by Millencolin. Yeah, it’s about 3 or four years old and yeah, they put out another record since then and yeah, they’re kind of a wacky band on paper (“sweedes singing ska songs about food” is something they’re kind of saddled with in the press) but dude, Kingwood is a BAD ASS record. I think there’s two or three bad songs, and the rest of them are just killer. I mean, if you like a band like the Lawrence arms, (which you really don’t have to in order to read this blog…but just saying, for simplicity) check out Kingwood. It’s definitely a stand alone record in their catalog, and it alienated lots of their diehard fans for that reason, but it didn’t make em any new fans, because, well, no one who’s a beardcore hipster wants to give Millencolin a chance. That’s the shit that little brothers listen to, man. But ANYWAY, It’s not a ska record, it’s not silly, it’s fucking blazing and it’s awesome. If the bridge of the first song doesn’t fucking wow you, well, I don’t know what to say. Anyway, you wanted music requests, Sock Drawer, there you go.
Next up: Something about drinking.
Um, when you are at a bar and you order a series of drinks, (and while this is always true, if the bar is empty, then usually it’s not a big deal, but if the bar is busy AT ALL, it’s very important) when the bartender comes back with your drinks, that’s it. Your turn is done. Oh, you want some water? Should have fucking asked for it. Oh, actually you need six O bombs now too? Well, fine. Just wait until everyone else gets their drinks. Your turn, once again, is over. It’s the social equivalent to bogarting a joint. Oh, and men, quit drinking diet soda. It’s so fucking pathetic and sad. On another note, High Life has recently become too sweet for me. I don’t know what exactly to do about it, but for now, I’m drinking Tecate in cans. I think it’s a pretty good alternative. Just sayin.
Next-Celebs! God that Spencer Pratt is dreamy, isn’t he? I just want to eat him right up. Oh man. Yeah, wow. Um….What’s he famous for, again? Being fake married to that ugly trailer park skank who got all the surgery and now she looks like Donald duck? Huh. Good for him. Good on ya, Spence!
Next up! Um…what else is there? Oh, I should mention felching or butt fisting or something like that right? Jizz, a request for some more jizz themed talk in the sock drawer (I mean, live up to your name people!) and some fucking dong/rack/clam shots, and I guess I could mention something about child rearing. My baby is almost walking. It’s wigging out our dog pretty badly. This is one of those tense situations, for sure. For now, they’re being kept separated, which is hard, because the kid just LOVES the dog. The dog just can’t seem to understand that the kid is on his side, and you know, if he fails to understand that HE will become a side…dish, in korea. OOOOOH! SNAP! NO I DI’INT! Just kidding. He’s not going to korea to become food. Worst case scenario, we’re gonna just set him free in the woods, like a pet rabbit or turtle. Chihuahua’s can thrive in the wild, right? Okay, good.
And finally!

Check out this advice query:

Q
About two and a half years ago I met a girl who drastically changed my life for the worse. I was an innocent 17 year old when I met her(I had never smoked, drank, had sex, or anything else). In my relationship with her we dated on and off literally about ten times in those two and a half years. We have ended our relationships because of cheating, drug abuse, etc. All of these breakups came because of things she did wrong. She did truly love me and I completely loved her. I sacrificed thousands of dollars, my guitar, my ipod, my gas, my car, my life for her. I even bailed her out of jail and was planning on dropping out of school to help support her because she had nowhere to live. I found that I lost who I was before I met her. I now find that I have had a drug addiction, I had sex with her, I now smoke and drink very frequently. She has hurt me so badly and this pain just never seems to go away. Since I have known her four of her exboyfriends have attempted to commit suicide because of her dumping them for me. Nowadays I havent talked to her since new years and I doubt I will again, but these memories and this pain still hurts as bad as it ever did. I hate that I have given her everything and got nothing but a new version of myself that I dont like. So my question is...How do I rid of this pain and these scars that seem to haunt me everyday and can I ever be as proud of myself as I used to be?

A
Firstly, jesus Christ, man…are you living in a soap opera? I mean, you could probably be more dramatic, but I’d be very hard pressed to figure out exactly how. Fuck, man, I get it, you’re nineteen, you’re heartbroken and you’re angry, but you’re disguising it (pathetically) as sorrow and you’re blaming your entire life on some girl. And you’re making everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) seem like it’s her fault. Wow. You’d be fun to date. I wonder why she dumped you?
Hey boss, newsflash. EVERYONE gets heartbroken when they’re nineteen. Not that this makes anything any easier to deal with, and I don’t like to just play the ‘suck it up, it happens to everyone’ card for no reason. I’m making another point. She dumped you. You’re bummed. BUT, she didn’t make you do drugs or have sex or any of that shit. I mean, look, if not her, it would have been someone else who came along with a bong/set of tits whatever. It’s not her fault you wanted to do those things, because you did. You wanted to, or you wouldn’t have. For example, if she came along and instead of asking you to do drugs she’d asked you to suck her brother off, or kick some puppies or stuff a snake up your ass, you wouldn’t have done it, because that’s not fun, or exciting or interesting (well, it’s interesting, I’ll give you that). Point being, you did drugs and got laid, and you feel guilty because you’re used to being a child, but now you’ve got some grown up things going on and you’ve been conditioned to think they’re bad. But SHE didn’t do any of this to you. YOU DID. YOU ARE THE REASON YOUR LIFE IS HOW IT IS. NOT HER. ANY SUGGESTION OTHERWISE IS
P
A
T
H
E
T
I
C
Get it? You’re mad and you’re young and you’ve never dealt with being so emotionally and physically bound to someone, and that’s a bummer when it goes south, but get off the fucking cross, man. You sound like such a pussy. “How do I rid of this pain and these scars that seem to haunt me everyday and can I ever be as proud of myself as I used to be?” What? Back when you were a little kid? What the fuck does that even mean? You’re a man now, buddy. Act like one. You’ve tried some drugs. You’ve had some beer and some pussy. Good for you. Don’t act like you’re some sort of crackhead who’s sucking dicks out behind Tile Outlet, because dude, you aren’t. Everything’s fine. You’re heartbroken. It’s one of the worst feelings you’ll ever go through, and it sucks. I sympathize, believe me. What’s my advice? Dude, this shit just takes time. Don’t blame your life on her, for one thing, don’t worry about the fact that you’ve had sex and tried pot for another, and finally, get out there and live. Go to the gym, hang out with some friends and for fucks sake, keep yourself away from this chick. Eventually, shit will become easier to deal with. I promise.
Sorry to sound harsh, I know this shit is rough, but you can’t blame her for your problems, man. You can’t. It makes you sound like a pussy, and it’s deeply deeply impacting your ability to begin to move on and get rid of the pain and scars, or whatever the fuck you said. Good luck. The rest of you, start posting those nudes. I’ll be back to check on your progress in a bit.
BK

62 comments:

Candice said...

today's post reminded me why i love you

planespotting said...

Wow - today's blog was like the Itchy and Scratchy movie ... minus the cameos from Dustin Hoffman and Michael Jackson -- the greatest blog entry of my life.

Bring on the jizz talk.

Candice said...

what would you like to know about jizz, planespotting? i'll teach you all i know.

planespotting said...

What is the temperature range in which jizz can survive for many days?

Candice said...

well for sperm production, it has to about 3-4 degrees less than body temperature. that's why nuts are perfect to place on your face to cool your forehead on a hot summer day.

but once it's airborne i've noticed that it dries up pretty quick if you forget to wipe it off your skin.

John F. said...

Agreed about Millencolin. I hadn't listened to them in forever, and kinda picked up Kingwood on a whim, and was like "shit, this is not the Millencolin I got bored with years ago!" Rockin' album.

Also, I'm intrigued by the conversation I'm interrupting here in the Drawer.

planespotting said...

Everybody got that?

wilddanimal said...

I have been a little disappointed by the lack of female nudity. Ladies of the Sock Drawer, I'm looking at you. A bunch of us have been game enough to get our shit out, and y'all look like sissies for not stepping up to the plate.

Regarding advice dispensed: Uh, yeah dude. I don't disagree with Brendan's thesis that your life is YOUR responsibility, but clearly that bitch is bad news, stay the fuck away.

Oh, and Tecate in cans is The Shit. I've been fiending for it.

Candice said...

well boys of the sock drawer, seeing the size of some of you i have to say i'm a little disappointed too. emphasis on the little.

Dave said...

What's interesting about the radical pro-life crowd is that they justify killing one doctor because it will save thousands of lives, yet they are against stem cell research. Wrap your head around that one.

Also, is that guy in the band Cake talking, rapping, or singing? I can't figure it out.

revellers said...

i have money.

can anyone recommend a lawrence arms album that isn't apathy and exhaustion or oh! calcutta!?

merci.x

bert said...

im pretty sure the dude from cake is doing all three... or at least trying. i dunno. it's been a long fucking time since "the distance" was on the radio.

Candice said...

revellers- i don't think you can go wrong with any lawrence arms album.

SaulioSBJ123 said...

I got an interesting e-mail from Amazon. Apparently since I bought that Green Day DVD a good 3 or 4 years ago...apparently I would JUST LOVE the new ICP DVD "A Family Underground". And the "more to explore" is just a bunch of Insane Clown Posse albums. What the fuck? I don't own that GD DVD anymore, but you'd think they might mention something other than Insane Clown Posse based on my purchase of something related to Green Day...maybe something pop punk and not rap-metal.

Scott said...

did i miss something? when did this cock show take place? Because, had i known, i would be pissed that we are not seeing some vag or ta-tas. Shit, i did not even participate and I am pissed that we are not seeing those lovely fun bags...

J said...

http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2009/06/01/when-juggalos-attack

Matt said...

Kingwood is one of my favorite Millencolin albums. Their older records were fun, but I'm a fan of this band when they started doing less ska stuff.

Side note about this record: I was at the Lawrence Arms/American Steel/Falcon show in NYC that was on the Rocks Off Boat cruise in which The Falcon/Lawrence Arms covered "Ray" and it was great. I was really drunk, and can't remember for the life of me which band actually did the cover. But Brendan made a point, to point out they were about to break every rule there is for covering a song, which was funny.

Good form sir.

Luke said...

Tecate cans do rule and they've got a 'heavy metal record cover' look about them.

Nico said...

Hey Candice, no need to be nasty about people's sizes.

It's not like guys judge girls based on their breast size, OK?

simmons said...

everyones strippin down in the sock drawer. prepare for the orgy.

then candice will play teacher and teach us all she knows about jizz.



pst...kingwood is tops.

planespotting said...

Check mate, Nico.

I also can't imagine there's much more to know about jizz.

christa! said...

Holy crap! There was a TLA booze cruise? I'm pretty sure that would be the greatest thing probably, ever. Incidentally, I'm goin to a Slackers booze cruise out of Boston harbor that'll probably be the second greatest thing ever.

Oh and for the record...size does matter, but only if you want a random lay...unless of course there is alcohol involved and then it really wouldn't matter anyway. Most ladies are willing to work with you as long as you're not a jerk.

Confidence, men!

Candice said...

you're right nico. sorry for acting like a cunt.

and there probably isn't much more to know about jizz. you guys should know more about it than me. although i probably know more about taste variance.

on second thought, maybe not.

PIXI said...

revellers, The Greatest Story Ever Told is the greatest album ever made.
Also, Brendan, thanks for the recommendation of Millencolin. I'll have to check them out.

Candice said...

christa- the tla booze cruise was pretty much the best thing ever. you'll have to make a trip to ny if it ever happens here again.

and you're right, size doesn't really matter that much. from vagina to cervix, most girls are only around 5 inches long. so no worries fellas. i'm just teasing.

as christa said, just don't be a dick and you'll be fine with the ladies.

planespotting said...

It also leaves a very subtle odor behind. But most folks probably know that.

But I know nothing about "taste variance."

I'd also never thought about "size" that way, christa! it makes a lot of sense.

And Greatest Story Ever Told is very good. It's epic, even, especially considering all of the historical, literary and film references.

Man, I'm really trying to escape work today.

Zac said...

revellers,

BUY THE GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD, STAT!

it is awesome because of how different it is from a lot of other larry arms stuff. plus its a bit conceptual. like if pink floyd put out a half hour punk record. not like if some comic book nerds start shredding (ie coheed). the last song (the disaster march) will make you cry.

PS to BK - did you get that invite? just wonderin'

Andrew said...

I believe in kingwood days.

revellers said...

thx everyone i will probably get that then. nothing like taking advice from random strangers.

whilst we're talking about dicks, what do the ladies (or men for that matter) think of manscaping?

Some Young Guy said...

that post was fucking rad. srsly.

hey brendan, talk about bourbon. what to mix it with, cocktails and shit, how to take something badass like maker's mark and make it totally lame. stuff like that.

PIXI said...

Here is some jizz news. Well, I've always heard that precum has sperm in it and can cause pregnancy. Last week, I heard on the radio that scientists have learned that this isn't actually true and that withdrawal has only a 4% failure rate. Very interesting.

PIXI said...

Personally, I like it when a guy shaves his balls.

christa! said...

Candice, I will travel just about anywhere to see a boatless booze cruise(heh) where there's an actual boat involved!

Ok, manscaping. I feel this is an important issue. Totally shaved is kind of creepy but if you look like a gorilla that's pretty gross too. As long as you're trimmed/don't resemble the missing link it's pretty much fine.

I'm always happy to try to bridge the gender gap. Shit, I should start my own advice column!

kylewagoner said...

I was so lost yesterday with no leadership from you. I contemplated hanging myself from a bridge. That's not true. This definitely made up for lost time, though. I've listened to some Millencolin here and there, but if you put it up there with your top records (which I'm assuming is there same place you keep How to Clean Everything, etc), then I'll have to hear it for myself. I gotta go whistle my cockateil.


love,
Kyle

Candice said...

i know shaving it all off makes your dick look bigger but i am so not a fan of no hair at all. i like my man to look like a man. even when that means hairy.

trimming is always appreciated. but as long as you smell and look clean, hair is not a deal breaker for me.

i like my men to be scruffy messes. i'm not into metrosexuals.

Brian said...

Revellers, Cocktails and Dreams.

That's an easy one

PIXI said...

Well, if he has a dick, he's going to look like a man. I just don't like hair in my mouth. But, yeah, it's just personal preference.

Candice said...

well a man is a man. i just don't like the pre-pubescent look.

revellers said...

How to Clean Everything is awful i think. like, 5 seconds of each song is good.

cocktails and dreams i thought about but i have hey what time is wings of pensacola anyway AND they have nebraska on their myspace so.

kind of ethical music listening.

Matt said...

Oh man, Lawrence Arms booze cruise has to have been one of the best shows I've seen. Something about being drunk on a boat watching great bands. The Falcon was awesome, American Steel had trouble standing while playing, it was a bit waving that day out on the river, and the Lawrence Arms killed it.

Brendan yelling at some kid who wanted his shirt after the Falcon set was pretty fucking entertaining...

Kid - HEY! GIMME YOUR SHIRT!
BK - Go to the store and fucking buy one...FUCK

This went on for about a minute. I finally just walked away because I needed a drink.

Oh yeah, something about jizz...ugh...I've heard that if a guy eats pineapple, their jizz will taste better. Sock Drawer experiment? I think so.

matisfatt said...

i've heard if i guy has eaten cheese recently, it makes your jizz taste spunky, anyone else hear that?

shawn said...

Greatest Story Ever Told is outstanding. Man, Kingwood leaked a week before it was supposed to come out. Me and a friend got loaded and downloaded song by song from Kazaa. Damn that was a good night. Don't worry, I bought it once it came out. I look at this comment page everyday and today is by far the funniest its ever been. To hear the falcon cover Ray would be sick

monkeyman8889 said...

The last time I drank Tecate my face turned orange.

As if I spray tanned my face.

It was weird.

Shitty next day at work too.

Candice said...

matisfatt- buy some cheese and let us know how it goes.

Robb said...

You've mined some real comedic gold in the past, Candice, but you know damn well the human nutsack isn't remotely cold enough to provide an adequate 'cooling sensation' when applied to the forehead. It's silliness, and intellectual dishonesty.

Candice said...

robb- have you ever had balls on your forehead? i'm guessing no. i have. i stand by my comment.

Robb said...

First--don't be so hasty to judge....

With that out of the way, I remain skeptical. I mean sure, if you've been sitting naked atop a keg/ice block/bag of frozen peas for several minutes prior...yeah, I buy it. But that's cheating.

AlexCanteen said...

After reading this, I spun Kingwood for the first time in a while.

Big plus. I need to post more.

Mark said...

Lets talk more about anal. Do you any of you girls enjoy it?

Robb said...

They luv the anal! Mind you this is the sock drawer, where everyone is "an experienced and skilled sex maverick" seasoned by years of hard n fast living, has read every Bukowski cover to cover, and had that band's 7"s waaaaay before the lame-o's caught on.

Candice said...

robb- i feel bad for jumping the gun and being judgmental. come by my place, rest your balls on my face, and let's talk it out. or, if you prefer, we can have someone rest their balls on your face while we work this out. i don't want this to ruin our internet friendship.


and i'll pass on anal. maybe every once in awhile to spice things up. but overall, i think my vagina is more fun.

Robb said...

We'll do both at once. Instead of any sort of classy drug, we'll just robo it. I'll call my cousin Justin and we'll get thing rolling (rubs hands)

Bridgett said...

I've heard broccoli makes jizz taste bad.

For every guy that likes anal, and his girl complains about it, I think his girl should get to take a dildo about the size of his dick and shove it up his ass for awhile. I don't understand the appeal. There's no natural lubrication in the ass (except for shit, I guess, but that's just a completely different story that makes me want to puke) so you have to constantly be lubing up. If you want to look at my sweet, sweet ass while you do me, just do me from behind. I took it in the ass once from a dude with a really, REALLY bad Bob Marley and Jimi Hendrix tattoo. I did it once, you know, can't knock what you haven't tried. The condom was too big, so when he'd pump in and out, the condom would slide around, and it felt like I was shitting a piece of slimy rubber. Oh, and as a consequence of this, I bled out the ass for a few days, and now I have a randomly occurring hemorrhoid.

My boyfriend is probably about to pick up the phone and call me to bitch about how I talked about yet another dude's dick in the Sock Drawer.

bert said...

then maybe you should start up an alternate account for the raunchier of your posts...

matisfatt said...

candice,

i got the cheese if you got the time.

;)

Candice said...

haha i was suggesting a self-study. if it became journal article worthy, i'd consider participating in the retest. as long as it's in the name of science.

3 wisdom teeth said...

brendan,

we need this now, only 2 and a half minutes? bsc is now similar to everyones cup of joe, or 5 minutes alone with the internet ant their weiner....imagine jizzing for a full 2 minutes straight?!! yeah, its gotten that serious, i live in az and we need your blog like these trailer parks need meth labs.

I like the advice you gave to the kid in need. Have you seen the ads for that movie "fighting"? fuck, great title. unfortunately i haven't gotten around to see it yet. my favorite part is when the model teen kid is trying to look serious on the train and he says somethin like "i aint never been nothin, and im not gonna lose" or some rediculous shit. I love it, what the fuck do these kids mean when they say shit like "i suck at life", "ive always been a loser", or the best.."i aint never been nothin" ha, if your 19 and you think you've failed then does that mean you have not been able to pass english class, live at home with your parents, play video games and pull on your ding dong??? i don't get it, what else have you supposed to accomplished by 19? kids, you are not loosers! if you have failed to eat too many nachos, jack off in the same room as your friends, fail a driver license test, break something, think you got someone
pregnant, etc etc...then ok, maybe you failed at being a teen. but guess what,you can be an adult now for another 60 years so here's to 60 more years of trying!

never give up.

thanks for the tubular blog to read when im standing in a 120 degree parking lot.

ilove you sock drawer

Some Young Guy said...

hey brendan.... what are the essentials for stocking up a bar at home? mainly what kinda liquors should everyone have in their kitchen? this in addition to my whiskey question up top. i want both answered. you're a bartender that's why you get asked the questions.

to recap:

a breakdown of bourbon
a drunk's home essentials

also, i am kinda drunk on old fashioneds what does that say about me>

Some Young Guy said...

and hey everyone else: pineapple makes jizz taste good but does jizz make pineapple taste good? how about broccoli?

also: i'm watching carson for whatever reason and against me w/ tegan or whoever is the song playing in the background

jsin1981 said...

Hey there
Kingwood was a good album by Millencolin. I have recently started really liking Rolling Rock again. My fav was Newcastle for years. I even kept em on ice in the car when I went to see TLA @ the troubador in hollywood. Due to the fact they dont serve Newcastle at that club. Also Spencer and Heidi are the biggest doushbags ever.

nancy said...

First things first, celery makes a man jizz abnormal amounts. (et al, Tommy Lee, BK's favorite). Secondly, anal, as a woman, is unappetizing. Call me prude, but my hole doesn't look as though it could tolerate the likes of a dick.

ak said...

you know it's kind of weird but i don't like bukowski's poetry, i do love the prose though....and how to clean everything is a classic album....go fuck yourself