Wednesday, June 24, 2009

You are all unique individuals!

Hello drones. How’s your Wednesday? It’s my friend, Jasper’s birthday today, and I’m going to a party for him tonight, and I’m taking my kid. Him and Jasper are super close. Jasper is also a dog, which makes the whole thing kind of funny. Dog parties. Dogs don’t know, man. Usually, dogs just kind of freak the fuck out or go to sleep when parties are going on, don’t they? I dunno. Fuuuuuuuuuck. Last night was the JBTV insider meet n greet and man oh man, was it ever star studded. I mean, let’s see, Dave Chapelle, Marlon Wayans, Eddie Murphy, Charlie Murphy, Ben Johnson, Rodney King, Winona Rider, Taylor Negron, the drummer from Sugar Ray, Walter Payton’s kid, none of them were there, but man. Neil Hennessy was in the house sippin on Jack Daniels and working the room with his own unique and whimsical brand of spaceman-like charm.
Nah, that thing was cool. There’s this live room with a stage and some cabaret tables and lights and it’s probably the coolest room to play live music in all of Chicago. I’m thinking that maybe we should have a contest and the winners get to see us play up there the day before the big ten year show…I think that would be cool. The place, I can’t stress enough, is unbelievable. I dunno, though. We’re not the beatles or anything. That might be a little bit overboard to suggest that we could do something fun like that and people would care. I mean, it’s not like it’s hard to see my band in an intimate setting, right? Just go somewhere that’s not Chicago and BOOM! There we are. Intimate setting. Done.
Did all my little minions go get their tattoos of my face yet? Time’s running out, you know. Every day could be your last, and if you die without the tattoo, you go to hell and your family does too. Just sayin. I’m no prophet or anything, but that’s what God told me when he spoke exclusively to me last night while I was transcribing other words that an angel told me. Again, just sayin.
If you couldn’t tell, I’m sort of out of things to say here, so I’m just kind of running out the clock with casual blasphemy. I guess that brings up a good topic: On the new NOFX record there’s a song called “Blasphemy: the Victimless Crime” and it’s got lines like “rob a rabbi, bugger a nun” which is okay, I guess, but come on man. It’s 2009. Two Girls One Cup exists almost on a level of polite discourse these days. Without even trying I can change my screensaver to a picture of a Japanese schoolgirl in a mask shitting yellow drool straight up in the air and down onto her own face. Phrases like “bugger a nun” aren’t really all that blasphemous anymore. Maybe when your grandmother was a spry wisp of a thing, just casually blaspheming out back by the drinkin’ well while she waited for the ice wagon to come by that kind of language would be considered inappropriate, but now…I don’t think so. I think even god himself is nonplussed by this shit. (Side note. Nothing irritates me more than the smug douchebags who go out of their way to refer to god as “her’. OOOOH! Nice blow for gender politics you dickless turd/manish woman. What the fuck does reclassifying the gender of an already established fictional character get you? Huh? Okay, fine. Fuck it. You know who else is a woman? Darth Vader. See how fucking dumb that is? And listen, if there IS some sort of god, let’s fucking be honest with ourselves, it’s not gonna be something that’s so easily categorized as a male or female. It’s a GOD, assholes. It’s kind of beyond that shit, right? I mean, I hope I’m not bumming anyone out when I say that the idea of a big bearded old santa in a bathrobe in the sky [or on a planet, thank you, retarded Christians, or mormons as they’re sometimes known] is fucking laughable. I know, faith. What a great fucking boon faith is. Just an unquestioning belief that everything is gonna work out, and that shit’s getting handled properly by higher ups (god, angels). No need to question. No need to worry. No need to do anything but just love and believe and pledge zombie like allegiance to the big guy in charge. Hell, what does god call his followers? Sheep. Nice one. Uh, by the way, that’s a fucking insult you mouthbreathing assholes. DO YOU SEE WHY IT’S IN THE BEST INTERESTS OF THE POWERS THAT BE TO EXTOL THE VIRTUES OF FAITH AND RELIGION??????????? BECAUSE IT TURNS THINKING, SENTIENT PEOPLE INTO DOCILE DIMWITS. Ooh! Better just stay quiet or god’s gonna get me! No he’s not, you fucking coward! Really? REALLY? Okay, fine. Watch this.
Hey god! Go fuck yourself. Jesus has, HAS in fact sucked my penis. HE begged for it. HE’s gay. Gay as Christmas. The gayest guy I’ve ever met. I’ve never seen anyone take on a stack of schlongs like jesus. Oh, and don’t get me started on God. That mother fucker, he’s nothing but a racist shit fetishist with videos of naked kids under his sweaty jizz covered mattress up there on his perverted planet.)
Okay, sorry. That was a long side note. What were we talking about? Oh yeah. Mild blasphemy. Well, I dunno. I don’t have any examples of good, modern blasphemy just laying around, so I guess I’m just gonna knock off early today.
Good luck out there, Dogs Of War.
BK

34 comments:

Candice said...

i will do almost anything to win that contest.

steveisjewish said...

nothing like the first thing you read a work being a big ole fuck you to the worlds most famous zombie

Capt Murdock said...

World's Most Famous Zombie?!?!?

If BK ripped Bill Hinzman than I am done with this blog?

FAskies said...

Last family get together we had, I started talking about how stupid religion is. Everyone joined in except one of my aunts, she wouldn't sit near us. So for the rest of the night she sat 5 feet away smoking her cigarette... gotta love irony/ hypocrisy.

christa! said...

Speaking as someone who went through 13 years of Catholic schooling (k-12). Fuck religion. All of them actually. Religion is/was just it was a tool for social order. Now the whole concept is pretty much obsolete because government/science has replaced it. Lucky for us, religion still gives us a convienent excuse to beat the crap out of each other.


Mostly, I feel sorry for the nuns though. Maybe they wouldn't have been such assholes if they got laid once and awhile...

Steven said...

I totally got laid for the first time since coming back from Iraq last night and again this morning! Im stoked.

Eric said...

welcome back steven...hey christa! awesome side note BK. so was Jesus brown when he went down...? cause im totally against interracial stuff

word verfication donghtst hahaha

wilddanimal said...

Dude, I can't even be bothered getting my dick in knots about it. Those silly dim-witted sheep can think whatever they want, just get the fuck outta my face with it. Jesus was tight, being a nice Jewish carpenter who had beef with The Man. All these shit-for-brains who base their lives on a millenia-old book are not. (I like telling proselytizers that I'm already down with Satan, and his parties are way cooler than any church event I've ever seen. So unless they have hot sluts and drugs, get off my porch.)

justinius23 said...

i regularly find myself asking myself the question "what would fat mike do?" in almost all types of situation.

no real reason - just wanted to share that.

CrgFlxbl said...

I don't listen to NOFX, I only listen to 21st Century Breakdown and Nickelback singles.

Tim & Rac said...

it's trendy and cool to hate religion.... errr wait, that's Christianity. The rest of 'em are cool. I don't know about "docile" either. I'd have to say I'm probably the worst Christian, biggest hypocrite, whatever you wanna call me. I believe in god, but I smoke, I drink, I love sex, I love porn... and I even laughed at this blog, as if it were someone making fun of a really good friend....

... so throw your stones!!

And as for Fat Mike, that guy wants to talk about equality for everyone, but he very formally proclaimed a war on Christianity... so yeah... how about that hypocrisy. I thin it's cool if he thinks I'm a complete idiot... but to say you wouldn't even hang out with someone... that's as bad as the psuedo Catholic family I married into that wouldn't talk to me cuase I don't share the same beliefs.

I'd like to think BK doesn't explictly hate anyone for WHAT they believe, just the crazy psychos that go looney tunes over abortion, gay rights, and persistently damn everyone to hell.

...I'm deeply outnumbered, arent i?

Banana@1000MPH said...

I love how you specifically picked Marlon out of the Waynes bros. Also, I call god "it" - is that bad?

Tim & Rac said...

god could quite possibly be a hermaphrodite (sp).....

Bridgett said...

Today's Bad Sandwich was so awesome, that about halfway through reading it, power went out to my apartment complex and the surrounding areas. Check that shit out, Brendan Kelly is so awesome, he can knock out transformers in suburban Milwaukee all the way from Chicago.

Question for Brendan: are you a football fan? If so, will there be heated debates in the Sock Drawer about it? I hope so.

Sean said...

haha you definitely just "one-upped" NOFX...

but yea, heard the new Menzingers EP yet?

And dude, Cobra Skulls/Menzingers come to Chicago on August 2nd!

... I'm fucking pissing myself I am so stoked.

that being said... The Lawrence Arms should hop on the bill....

Buddy said...

I can see your problems with organized religion and the politics behind christianity/islam/etc.., but your general tirade against faith makes me confused in light of some of your past comments? I'm probably twisting your words or misinterpreting what you have said in the past, but it seems like you were the one who stated how shitty it is to rail on people who are passionate about something that is interesting to them...whether it be felching, grandma fucking, punk rock, or whatever..
I'm sure i'm an ignorant backwards dumb dick sucking mongoloid brainwashed fuck or whatever for saying this, but fuck man...what's wrong with a lil' faith? Science, reason, and logic are useful, but is that really all we have? I really, sincerely 'hope' not..

Jayzilla said...

nickelback totally got me through highschool/college/work/today

Robb said...

The worst are the hybrids that classify themselves as Christian-Buddhist and the like. Heey, hoo--twice the spirituality for your buck! I mean, pick one sci-fi thrill ride and stick to it. Don't try and mix n' match, you greedy fuck. You're trying to juggle two sets of doctrines that are fundamentally contradictory, you bell end.

timziegler said...

Please welcome, the sock drawers newest guest...Candice's cleavage.

Candice said...

thanks so much for the warm welcome!

bishikon said...

each time i read the sockdrawer candice's picture gets better and better, give it a month itl be just her wearing a pair of socks (HA!)

bugger also has very different meaning in australia.. kinda like "oh shit"

Joshua said...

haha, this reminds me of a time about 10 years ago, while i was attending a private christian high school, and we were sitting around playing a game of "which historical figure would you bone" and it came to be my turn. i thought and said, id like to fuck jesus. it was quite a shock to others. i qualified my answer by saying id fuck jesus because it would completely rearrange all you assholes thought about other people. i still use this answer today. and my word verification is jew. thats a little odd.

Drunken Acorn said...

First time in the sock drawer, smells like jizz. and god doesn't exsist so theres no such thing as blasphemy,just something to think about.

Some Young Guy said...

you guys should check out rape-dungeon public humiliation torture porn fat mike is in. over in drawer #2.

Matt said...

Got to love religion, nothing beats it. I have got to say, I could care less about what people think, but once they start making it a point to bring up in conversation, I'm out of here.

I was once sitting outside a deli at 8am in the lower east side of Manhattan having breakfast. A (kind of crazy) looking guy asked what time it was, and I said 8am. He then commented on how tasty my breakfast looked and turned to walk away, when he then turned back and said, "Did you say grace before you started eating?". Fuck man, really? It's 8am on a Tuesday, do I look like I want to talk about this right now? Got to love NYC crackheads.

hyf182 said...

Has anyone read Ender's Game? Or anything else by Orson Scott Card? Buggers are Aliens! I would appreciate a solid Alien post in the near future.

Owner Operator said...

rad post man

jbody said...

dude,I think fat mike is doin that reverse mind stuff like ya know bugger a nun is so tame in comparison with ling lings ass piss that its quaint and maybe more subversive verse shit versus jesus does the felchies or whatever you guys rap about.hey candice,if u removed the last four words from your post would it still be a true ass statement

Candice said...

so true.

Owen said...
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Banana@1000MPH said...

Some Young Guy, that kind of is going to keep me away from drawer #2 a little while longer. I don't want to see that.
Also, Joshua, not to be a dick, but your word verification is not "jew". That is too short, you are a liar. I love you.

Owen said...

Beex, as much as I want to get your face tattooed on me (possibly on my face, life size, so that I have your face on my face), I'd just like to say that it has gone wrong in the past. See Exhibit A: http://photos-d.ak.fbcdn.net/photos-ak-sf2p/v79/225/67/519025244/n519025244_658291_1795.jpg

Zach said...

This is entry is so awesome. I love it.

helen k said...
This comment has been removed by the author.