Hello drones. How’s your Wednesday? It’s my friend, Jasper’s birthday today, and I’m going to a party for him tonight, and I’m taking my kid. Him and Jasper are super close. Jasper is also a dog, which makes the whole thing kind of funny. Dog parties. Dogs don’t know, man. Usually, dogs just kind of freak the fuck out or go to sleep when parties are going on, don’t they? I dunno. Fuuuuuuuuuck. Last night was the JBTV insider meet n greet and man oh man, was it ever star studded. I mean, let’s see, Dave Chapelle, Marlon Wayans, Eddie Murphy, Charlie Murphy, Ben Johnson, Rodney King, Winona Rider, Taylor Negron, the drummer from Sugar Ray, Walter Payton’s kid, none of them were there, but man. Neil Hennessy was in the house sippin on Jack Daniels and working the room with his own unique and whimsical brand of spaceman-like charm.
Nah, that thing was cool. There’s this live room with a stage and some cabaret tables and lights and it’s probably the coolest room to play live music in all of Chicago. I’m thinking that maybe we should have a contest and the winners get to see us play up there the day before the big ten year show…I think that would be cool. The place, I can’t stress enough, is unbelievable. I dunno, though. We’re not the beatles or anything. That might be a little bit overboard to suggest that we could do something fun like that and people would care. I mean, it’s not like it’s hard to see my band in an intimate setting, right? Just go somewhere that’s not Chicago and BOOM! There we are. Intimate setting. Done.
Did all my little minions go get their tattoos of my face yet? Time’s running out, you know. Every day could be your last, and if you die without the tattoo, you go to hell and your family does too. Just sayin. I’m no prophet or anything, but that’s what God told me when he spoke exclusively to me last night while I was transcribing other words that an angel told me. Again, just sayin.
If you couldn’t tell, I’m sort of out of things to say here, so I’m just kind of running out the clock with casual blasphemy. I guess that brings up a good topic: On the new NOFX record there’s a song called “Blasphemy: the Victimless Crime” and it’s got lines like “rob a rabbi, bugger a nun” which is okay, I guess, but come on man. It’s 2009. Two Girls One Cup exists almost on a level of polite discourse these days. Without even trying I can change my screensaver to a picture of a Japanese schoolgirl in a mask shitting yellow drool straight up in the air and down onto her own face. Phrases like “bugger a nun” aren’t really all that blasphemous anymore. Maybe when your grandmother was a spry wisp of a thing, just casually blaspheming out back by the drinkin’ well while she waited for the ice wagon to come by that kind of language would be considered inappropriate, but now…I don’t think so. I think even god himself is nonplussed by this shit. (Side note. Nothing irritates me more than the smug douchebags who go out of their way to refer to god as “her’. OOOOH! Nice blow for gender politics you dickless turd/manish woman. What the fuck does reclassifying the gender of an already established fictional character get you? Huh? Okay, fine. Fuck it. You know who else is a woman? Darth Vader. See how fucking dumb that is? And listen, if there IS some sort of god, let’s fucking be honest with ourselves, it’s not gonna be something that’s so easily categorized as a male or female. It’s a GOD, assholes. It’s kind of beyond that shit, right? I mean, I hope I’m not bumming anyone out when I say that the idea of a big bearded old santa in a bathrobe in the sky [or on a planet, thank you, retarded Christians, or mormons as they’re sometimes known] is fucking laughable. I know, faith. What a great fucking boon faith is. Just an unquestioning belief that everything is gonna work out, and that shit’s getting handled properly by higher ups (god, angels). No need to question. No need to worry. No need to do anything but just love and believe and pledge zombie like allegiance to the big guy in charge. Hell, what does god call his followers? Sheep. Nice one. Uh, by the way, that’s a fucking insult you mouthbreathing assholes. DO YOU SEE WHY IT’S IN THE BEST INTERESTS OF THE POWERS THAT BE TO EXTOL THE VIRTUES OF FAITH AND RELIGION??????????? BECAUSE IT TURNS THINKING, SENTIENT PEOPLE INTO DOCILE DIMWITS. Ooh! Better just stay quiet or god’s gonna get me! No he’s not, you fucking coward! Really? REALLY? Okay, fine. Watch this.
Hey god! Go fuck yourself. Jesus has, HAS in fact sucked my penis. HE begged for it. HE’s gay. Gay as Christmas. The gayest guy I’ve ever met. I’ve never seen anyone take on a stack of schlongs like jesus. Oh, and don’t get me started on God. That mother fucker, he’s nothing but a racist shit fetishist with videos of naked kids under his sweaty jizz covered mattress up there on his perverted planet.)
Okay, sorry. That was a long side note. What were we talking about? Oh yeah. Mild blasphemy. Well, I dunno. I don’t have any examples of good, modern blasphemy just laying around, so I guess I’m just gonna knock off early today.
Good luck out there, Dogs Of War.