Tuesday, June 9, 2009

shut your mouth now, big boy!

Good morning Dogs of War! It’s a real pleasure to rap at you today. I’m tired. My friends were over late and we grilled and I stayed up way later than I would have liked to. Yesterday was productive in that I wrote a pretty cool song and had a meeting with my friend Nick regarding a huge bear of a project. Speaking of bears, any of you guys out there know how to get ahold of a bear mascot costume kinda on the cheap? I’m actually thinking I’m gonna need 2 of em, but maybe not. Maybe I can just dress the same one up differently. Jesus Christ…Anyway.
Yesterday, in the sock drawer, someone mentioned that my complaint line here at BSC was actually 976 ANAL, which is hilarious, but not for the reason you think. The reason that’s hilarious is because my intent was to put 976 COCK. That means (brace yourselves) that COCK and ANAL are the SAME THING IN PHONE SEX NUMEROLOGY!!!! Pretty cool if you ask me, man. My baby is napping and I’ve got a ton of shit to do. My band has to practice, I’ve gotta get one of those containers to store coffee in (see Answers! Beautiful Answers! For a detailed description of why) and I’ve got another meeting with Nick. It’s gonna take place in a car or perhaps a kitchen, or maybe both. My friend Bob, who’s really into amphetamines is gonna be there too. He’s easily distracted. It’s a prescription thing, not a seedy prostitute/speed freak thing. Jesus, relax. Don’t you guys know that amphetamines are prescribed for everything from colds to personality disorders? This actually reminds me of a story, the part about hookers and speed freaks, that is… (now who’s easily distracted? Anyway…)
One night we were trying to get out of Barcelona. The guy driving our van was uh…freaking us all out. He was, and remains, german. He’s also very small and he has no hair or teeth. I’m not joking. He’s great. I love him dearly, BUT this particular day, he was acting kind of strange (a whole other story) and after circling Barcelona for about 2 hours I made the executive decision that we should pull into a truckstop and just fucking get off the road, man. Relax. Smoke a joint and chill out. SO, we did just that. There, between various euro semi trucks (or ‘lorries’ if you’re speaking the king’s English…goofy loyalists) we made our camp. Chris set to work rolling a cone and our driver guy told me he was gonna take off for a while because he wanted to see if the truckstop was home to any transsexual prostitutes. Because, and I’m not joking here, that’s what he wanted to spend his money on. SO, he takes off and we start talking about how he’s been acting kind of strange and how he was probably really pissing off the other band we were on tour with (Millencolin, on the Kingwood tour) but that was probably okay, because their tour manager was such a complete cock chugger that, well, he was pissing us off, so it was a mutual thing at least. Anyway, we got along with the band just wonderfully, it was a case of two very VERY different styles of tour management colliding. That’s all. Regardless, Millencolin, not that big in the states, but in Europe they’re ENORMOUS. This tour was a big fucking deal. Biggest tour I’ve ever been on and I’ve been on tour with Adam fucking Lazarra you plebes. Anyway…So our dude comes back with the sad news that all the hookers at the truckstop were just women with vaginas, so, you know, no dice. He settled for smoking some hash instead, so we lit the joint and were just kind of kicking it right there between the trucks, when who walks around the corner? Are you guessing prostitutes? Trannies? Nah. 2 cops.
They’re not looking too happy. Or more to the point, they’re looking real happy because they apparently love ruining people’s day (They’re cops, after all). SO, we start acting dumb and shrugging and speaking English loudly and stupidly in an attempt to gather a little bit of sympathy while our tour manager, who speaks Spanish, approached the cops to try to explain what was going on. Remember, he’s odd looking, and that’s putting it very mildly. He’s got a tattoo of barbed wire around his neck, just for example. So the cops kind of wig out a little, back off and shine a flashlight on him and that’s when they see his tour laminate. “Millencolin?” the cop asks pointing at the laminate. “si! Millencolin” says our driver, pointing at us. We wave. The cops suddenly become giggly and proceed to tell us how much they LOVE us (millencolin) and then tell us to have a great tour and even hand us back the joint. It was wonderful. Then we found a bunch of trannies and ran a real hell of a train on em all.
Okay, here’s a quick blast of advice then it’s off to the sock drawer for all of us, right? Good.

As usual, this concerns a girl--about four years ago I was dating this girl, it lasted for almost two years before I caught wind of her cheating on me. I did what any self respecting dude would do and dumped her ass, and even though I was/am pretty fucked up over it, I feel good about the fact that I didn't pussy out and try to get her back. Anyway, while I was dating her I became friends friends with her brother, and after we broke up I would still hang out with him. We pretty much agreed without talking about it not to talk about it, which worked out great. We got to be really good friends over the next few years and I got to know his girlfriend as well, and now we hang out all the time. Now here's the problem: my friend recently asked his girlfriend to marry him, and this shindig is going down in a few weeks. I'm invited, naturally my ex is invited (with her now-boyfriend, the guy she cheated on me with) and even though I know SOME of the other people my friend is inviting, I'm not really friends with any of them. I'm not dating anyone right now, I don't have a hot chick I can bring with me and I'm not looking forward to the prospects of hanging out by myself at this wedding looking like a loser in sight of my ex and her boyfriend while they're all over each other. Now I'd consider paying some really hot chick to go with me but not only is that pretty pathetic as well, my friend would know it's bullshit and it'd probably come out. That leaves not going, which isn't a real option either -- my friend and his girlfriend would be pissed at me, and my ex would get way too much satisfaction out of it because I know she'd assume she's the cause of me skipping it.

My question, is it a loser move to bring a guy friend as my +1? I mean, there's an open bar and I plan on getting shitfaced (probably a bad idea) but I'd look less of a complete loser if I was doing it with a friend. If you have any other possible tips for me, do share cause I can use the help.

You go. You bring your buddy. You don’t worry about shit. You have fun, you tell your friend congrats and you act nice to your ex but don’t lurk around her at all and just concentrate on having fun with your buddy. Weddings are great spots to meet girls and great spots to hang out with your snazzy new attitude that exemplifies that you’re confident, unflappable and way cooler than your ex’s dorky new boyfriend. Don’t worry about the slight gayness of bringing a dude. It’s cool. They invited you cuz they like you and want you to be there and have fun. If bringing your buddy makes it more fun for you, then hell, no worries. One small caution: DO NOT GET SO DRUNK THAT YOU ACT LIKE A DIPSHIT. You will be SO bummed out if you do. Have fun. I can’t stress this enough. You won’t be a loser at all if you keep it together and have fun.
Okay dildettes and dingalings…I’m outa here. Snoochy boochies.


Blake said...

WOW..I had almost the exact same situations to ask about a few months ago. I lucked out by doing the same as this man, BK, said, and it was one of the best times of my life.

lookatmeiamawinner said...

You probably don't actually care, but to properly store coffee (for maximum freshness, flavor, and such) it should be in a container that keeps it both airtight and blocks out light. - and never in the refrigerator/freezer. Hopefully the container you purchase will meet these requirements.

That's all the advice I have from 3+ years of being a barista. I'm still working on the drink predictions based on racial/social stereotypes, but I have yet to come up with a definitive list.

Matt Ramone said...


AlexCanteen said...

1) Awesome song for a title today
2) I had a similar situation happen to me last year. A college buddy of mine and I were going to road trip from grad school to our alma mater to catch a Foo Fighters/Against Me! show for free (perks of knowing the right people). The problem was the party of people we were going with (up from NYC, we were in Buffalo at the time) included my ex and the guy she had cheated on me with (and before this we had all been friends). I sucked it up and said I was going to go, but the dicks booking the hotel rooms (one from the city) thought I'd be too chickenshit to go, so forgot to get me one. I ended up going anyway and had a blast (I got to see the lead singer of System of a Down taking a piss...he is a tall tall man). The best part is the NYC crew got snowed in and missed the show. Sucks to be them.

Note: my captcha is pubec...kinda funny in a spelling error sorta way

myassisapipebomb said...

snoochy boochies indeed, i watched mallrats yesterday. still awesome.

who has some really fucked up wedding stories? i have two: 1. when i was nineteen and at my brothers wedding i got so trashed that i puked all over my tux in front of my parents, then puked all over the front steps of the hotel, again, in front of my parents. then passed out naked in a bed that was NOT mine. 2. a girl at my sisters wedding got trashed and started crying that no one loved her, then she puked all over her shoes and had to be carried to a car to be taken home.

who doesn't have awesome wedding stories?

AlexCanteen said...

I was at a wedding that got rickrolled

kylewagoner said...

So uhh...Warren is leaving Against Me! according to Tom's blog....

kylewagoner said...

Wait, that was dated May 1st. Did I miss something vital?

Sean said...

yea, don't get too drunk at the wedding and have your voice get loud... or say some creepy things and stagger around

Jesus said...

Any thoughts on Warren leaving AM! BK?
Predictions for the band, etc? It'd be cool to hear an industry pro's opinion.

Robb said...

I never really noticed, but it just now 'clicked' to me that you never have any "anonymous" comments...because you've (smartly) disabled that feature. I assume it's mainly to avoid the situation over on Gabel's blog? Christ that would get annoying fast.

Anonymous said...

with your recent mix and match of drinks and stereotypes i was wondering what YOUR drink of choice is when you go out to the bar? you fit any of the stereotypes? also i found my brothers current gf on guess her muff NO JOKE i have my guess but should i look?

Candice said...

descendent- i really hope she's not #538. if she is, i suggest you DON'T look. especially not at the bonus pic.

andy said...

If you're still in the market for a coffee container check out Julius Meinl on lincoln. They've got spiffy containers there.

Anonymous said...

Brendan, I need some advice.

So there's this girl, I've known her since 6th grade, we dated for 3 and a half years from when we were 19-23 and I treated her like shit. I cheated on her frequently. I was not a good person, at all. I broke her fucking heart.

Since we've been broken up, we've always fooled around still when we were both single. But since about January she's been in a long distance relationship with this guy (he lives in Oregon, we live in Minnesota).

Needless to say, this guy hates me. Because, while I did pretty unforgivable things to this girl, she forgave me and we have remained best friends. We talk every day and still hang out once every couple weeks. Her boyfriend hates the fact that we're so close and is insecure.

He has every right to be, because, while at first after they started dating, when her and I would hang out, it was obvious there was sexual tension, but we never acted on it. Then a few weeks ago, I was coming off a pretty hard night of drinking and was at her place recovering from the hangover and we ended up sleeping together.

And then she got a call from him that same day and he broke up with her. He didn't even know that her and I were hanging out right then, he was just generally unhappy in the relationship. She was devastated and asked me to stay the night. Which I did. But the next day they got back together and she told me that we could no longer be as close as we were because she needed to try to make it work with him.

That was all fine and good, and at first we were more distant, but the more we hung out and talked, the closer we became again. After we got drunk together at a Lucero show the other night I spent the night over there again.

The next morning I left my phone there and she went through it and found some texts I had sent to a booty call I have. And while she knew about this girl, seeing the texts in print was too much for her to take. She just told me that she only wants to talk me once a month and only to hear that I am doing all right. She says she is going to move to Oregon at the end of July and is probably going to marry the guy out there. She says she doesn't feel about him, the way she did and does feel about me, but she's just not willing to get crushed again.

I don't want her to go. I have been trying to get her back for the past few months. But I know I fucked shit up in the past, and I feel like I owe it to her to let her go and to just see what happens. What should I do Brendan? Did I blow any chance of getting her back? Is it hopeless? Be as blunt as possible.

Josh said...


my advice? leave her alone. you had your chance and blew it, big time. be happy that this chick even gives you the time of day after the way you treated her.

the right thing to do is let her move on with her life and stop trying to get in between her and her new guy.

Nina said...

Matt, that website is disgusting. The children miss you

Candice said...

i completely agree with josh. she probably should have moved on years ago. and even if this new guy isn't the right guy for her, if you really love her you'll respect her wishes. if it's meant to be it'll happen.

christophe.vanheygen said...

Said tour manager is called Frieder... He's funny as hell! Met him in Belgium some years ago when he was on tour with the Lawrence Arms through Europe.

Don't know how to post pictures in this thing... So just copy-paste the link if you wanna know what a toothless, bald, tattood German tour manager looks like.


Jahni Mindu said...

We need a lot more tour stories from you B

jsin1981 said...

Nice snoochie boochies drop.
Warrens leavin' AM! oh no!
Yes more tour stories. If you could elaborate on the time you said you were "drugged" in hollywood at the troubador that would be cool. you told me the next time you came to town but did not have time for details~Thanx JSIN


Sanna said...

ooh.. tour with millencolin. that was amazing. it was when i realized once again that i liked you so much better than my old skatepunkheroes!

fun story, touring stories tend to be. would like to read lots and lots of those.