Thursday, June 11, 2009

to the hotel, to the motel to the holiday inn.

What is wrong with our world, people? Nuclear disaster, luxury hotels blown to bits, flooded gay couples in Iowa waiting patiently for marriage licenses and government aid, Osama, Obama and now this old dude with the gun in the Holocaust museum killing a guard. It’s really quite sad. The statement about the guard said he died ‘heroically in the line of duty’ which is, you know, true. But fuck, he was a security guard at a museum. It’s not really what they sign up for. A guy on the SWAT team can die heroically in the line of duty and it’s sad but it’s honorable and somewhat easier to deal with because it’s assumed that he knew the risks and at least he died doing what he loved (terrorizing brown people), but I seriously doubt this security guard ever expected to really put his life on the line. I mean, I don’t know what the museum guards are like in DC, but here they’re almost entirely fat, middle aged black women with walkie talkies and wine colored weaves. Not really a likely line of defense against deadly force. The one good thing is that in a few years, this slain guard’s family can say “oh, yeah, my brother-he died in the Holocaust…..museum” and that’ll maybe be kind of funny. Probably not yet though. Too soon.
The other thing that’s led me to believe that we’re headed straight into a postapocalyptic world of waking nightmares is the pile of magazines that lurks by where I take dumps. Recently some new magazines were added to the pile, which is nice, because I was almost all the way done with that Punk Rock Confidential from 3 years ago, and one of the things that got added was a Women’s Health. I flipped through this idly, mostly because I really wasn’t doing much else, when I came across this article about losing five pounds EASILY. It had lists of things you could eat-a breakfast list, a lunch list and a snack list. I’m not sure where dinner fit in, as I didn’t really read the article. The reason I didn’t read the article is because the first thing on the breakfast list was a ham and cheese omelet sandwich from Burger King.
Now, I’m no nutritionist, but I do know a little something about fast food sandwiches, ham, cheese and the general effect they have on people. And I’m not suggesting that this article is preaching bad science. I’m sure that they’ve got it all worked out so that if you follow the article’s direction, you WILL lose weight while enjoying the BK hamlette or whatever it’s called. I’m more appalled that as a culture we are so gross and disgusting and greasy that a fucking ham and cheese omelet sandwich is now a diet food. I mean, what the fuck are you people eating? Whole pigs stuffed with mayonnaise? It’s nuts. This reminds me of when Jared from subway ended up crapping out what, 300 pounds? He did it by eating footlong sub sandwiches? That just simply should not be, man. That. should. Not. Be.
This weekend my friend Jason is getting married in Florida and I’m headed down there to watch this all go down. I’m pretty excited to sleep in a little and kick it by a pool. I haven’t been out of town in a while.
Speaking of hotels, this kind of reminds me of something that a customer at my bar was telling me about his corporate travel stays. He said that the corporate conventions that pack hotels with businesspeople are crazy. The hotel bar is essentially a thinly veiled waiting room in which you pick people to randomly bone. He also said that the women are mercilessly direct and even moreso if they’re married and the guy they’re trying to seduce is wearing a ring too. This guy, he was at one of these things and his buddy was getting hit on like crazy, and he was convinced it was because of his wedding ring, so he let the other guy try the ring on, and sure enough, as soon as he was wearing the wedding ring, the married women started sizing him up like they were Garfield and he was lasagna. So, this guy, my customer, is now in the market for a fake wedding band that he can just wear at his corporate events. At first it sounded sleazy, but then I realized, it’s brilliant. These women are the ones who are really, truly being deceitful to their families, right? They want random sex with no followup and mutual guilt. If this guy is wearing a fake wedding ring to sneak into their pants, no strings attached style, that’s a real helluva switcheroo. I can’t even really explain why it’s so great, but it is. Next step, men of the sockdrawer, head out to the Airport Hilton, wear a button up shirt, a lose tie and a wedding ring. When the prowlers approach, tell em your reservation got fucked up and your room isn’t ready. Bring rubbers.
Xxoxoxoxoxoxo

29 comments:

AlexCanteen said...

www.thisiswhyyourefat.com

Dusty Floors said...

Haha the women have the fake wedding ring thing figured out for the exact opposite reasons.

http://mstaken.com/

sheila said...

soooo, your unhealthy food rant echoes some feelings of contempt that i am having for my grandmother-in-law. 6 years ago she had gastric bypass and lost close to 150 lbs. 2 months ago she had surgery to remove the excess skin flap over her belly (gross, i know, but it is key for the story). She was drinking at least a 2 liter bottle of diet soda a day during her recovery process(and not listening to me that it was not helping, actually hindering, her situation..."it's fluid, so it's hydrating me!" was her reply) because her doctors were telling her that she was dehydrated...she refuses to drink water because she says it makes her sick...this is the most bullshit story i have ever heard...so she ended up having some complications w/ her incision healing (big surprise)and now that she is feeling better, she has proceeded to take on a steady diet of daily donuts and other unhealthy baked goods. i am afraid if she keeps this up, she will gain all the weight back and everything she has been through will be in vain. I'd be wasting my time saying anything to her, though, because i don't know what the fuck i am talking about. just a frustrating situation for me and a few other family members.

Jayzilla said...

women used to take their rings off to go out, now men put them on

im going to chinatown now for one...

Blake said...

This one episode of Garfield really fucked me up as a child. He went shopping with the dude (Dave?) for cat beds.

Garfield finds this wonderfully comfortable bed, that cooks and serves lasagna for him while he just lays there. It turned out that he just wanted to sleep in the box that it was packaged in.

Now, I realize that this is normal cat behavior, but not Garfield behavior. It still bothers me when I think about it.

Josh said...

@thefood article thing: It could be one of the articles that helps people to at least make better choices, as opposed to the best choices... if that makes sense.

My girlfriend got this book call "Eat This, Not That" or something and it's all just comparisons of fast food and junk foods. The point being, if you are craving some greasy and unhealthy, there are small choices you can make (Big Mac vs Whopper is like 500 calories less or something) even when indulging to try and eat a bit healthier.

It also has a couple pages on every national chain telling you their healthiest and unhealthiest offerings, kind of interesting.

jsin1981 said...

Bren-
"my bar" you said it again please confirm or deny. Do you own the bar or just work there? What's it called(if you can say). Anyone in the sock drawer know please fill me in just curious.
Thanx~JSIN

recordjunkiejsin.blogspot.com

Buddy said...

wedding in flo rida this weekend? wondering if we're attending the same one..hmm...

kylewagoner said...

hahahahhahahaahahaha that Holocaust thing is too much.

wilddanimal said...

I'm vaguely tempted to try that, but I dunno where I would get a fake wedding ring.

Sickie27 said...

I eat fast food constantly, and a bunch of other shit that should make me gain weight. But I don't and I'm still super skinny and probably on the verge of a heart attack. If I'm going to have a heart attack, can't I at least be a little more filled out? I don't think I'm asking too much.

And I'm proud to say I have never hit on a married man. But someone with just a girlfriend? Most definitely.

Jorubo said...

I haven't posted on here in a while but just have to say, if you want a little lesson on confidence, go read I hope they serve beer in hell.
Tucker max is a classic example of an asshole who treats women like shit but gets laid for the very same reason. Plus, some of his stories are fucking funny, I recommend reading it a few drinks in.

Candice said...

i know i am old because now when i go to bars i look at every man's left finger for a ring or a tan line of where one should be. i never did this a few years ago.

FAskies said...

BK hamlette

im sure women love BK's hamlette

(its a penis joke)

Sean said...

Sickie, you prolly have a tapeworm...

jackorigionalpressing said...

I know this isn't relevant to anything, but, Japan was mentioned...yesterday i think?....Anyway, I'm going to Japan in July....by myself, back packing around...does anybody have any advice/recommendations for things to do in japan or general Asia travel advice?
(also does any body know of any bands touring japan at the start of July?)....do your best sock drawer...

Owen said...

Fricken bring on the hamlette - they don't serve that in Australia and I feel we're being unduly left out of a beautiful thing. I don't really get how mutual guilt is better than single guilt. If you're both guilty about something together - surely it just leads to further extra-marital humping - which may be good in the short term....but...

Justin said...

I met a girl at a bar while drunk. We went back to her place and one thing quickly led to another. Only problem was my bad case of whiskey dick wasn't going to let me finish, and after a while I was getting very tired. So a few minutes after she climaxes I decide to fake my own. As I start my acting performance she demands I take off the condom and bust on her face. I just stopped dead, completely at a loss for what to do and very confused. She somehow takes this as an insult and gets mad, and starts calling me horrible names and insisting I leave her house. I refuse, as I have no way of getting home and demand I at least get to sleep on her couch. She runs to her friends room butt naked, wakes up her friend, and tells her to throw the "dickless loser" out of the house. The friend, curiously unfazed, smoothly assures her that I will come in her face in the morning, and that we should get some sleep. This was the start of a 2 month relationship I should of ran from when I had the chance.
-Jack

from http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1777428

Nico said...

Justin, that is just awesome.

Shane McPain said...

bren, quick question.
i'm usually the guy my friends ask for advice and such, im happy to give it and everything but sometimes i just feel kinda overwhelmed, like, i have my own problems and i feel constantly bogged down with other peoples shit when i need to sort myself out. i was just wondering if you ever feel the same way?

thanks for your time.

Tim & Rac said...

Hahah Justin, that story is great. You can't make up shit like that.

Sean said...

brendan, some advice if you could be so generous and handsome...

so this one isn't about a girl... but a guy rather... but seriously... it's not what you may think... (tee hee)

I go to school in Miami, FL... and I just found out my roommate next year is a 35 year old guy who's married and stuff... he seems pretty cool like he says he listens to punk and shit... you know... so theres some sort of similarity there?

I was just wondering if you think this will turn out to be a terrible situation and if I should avoid it to begin with by maybe opting to switch roommates... or would that be jumping the gun?

anyways, lemme know... I just dunno what it's gunna be like rooming with a guy a decade and a half older than me... and if he's gunna have his wife over and stuff... i dunno why he would even want to room with a 19 year old... I'm kinda weirded out just a little...

anyways, any advice would be much appreciated!

-Sean

matisfatt said...

sean-

do it. that situation has potential for some EPIC bar stories in the future.

Robb said...

That wedding - it's not Jason Shevchuk of None More Black, by chance? That'd be cool.

Justin said...

thanks matt
http://isshefilthy.blogspot.com/2009/05/girl-184.html

Banana@1000MPH said...

Justin, damn it, I seriously forgot about is she filthy, but now I have to sit here and catch up. Damn, they've gotten filthy.
this is pretty close to felching:
http://isshefilthy.blogspot.com/2009/06/girl-329.html

hogan said...

brendan, i saw the menzingers in tallahassee last night, on account on your recommendation a while back. they were fantastic. tom also told me a crazy story about you making them take shots followed by beers onstage at a show, and then about your antics later on that night in the tour van and beyond. basically, kick ass recommendation, they put on a hell of a show.

-hogan

Tim & Rac said...

I would hope it's not Jason Shevchuk... he goes through girls, bands, and careers choices once a year.

Max said...

hey beex. i have a lawrence arms tattoo on my left leg (hourglass) and i'm getting a falcon tattoo(hourglass crossed out in the no smoking fashion) on my right leg. i think it would be quite humorous and awesome. your opinions?