What is wrong with our world, people? Nuclear disaster, luxury hotels blown to bits, flooded gay couples in Iowa waiting patiently for marriage licenses and government aid, Osama, Obama and now this old dude with the gun in the Holocaust museum killing a guard. It’s really quite sad. The statement about the guard said he died ‘heroically in the line of duty’ which is, you know, true. But fuck, he was a security guard at a museum. It’s not really what they sign up for. A guy on the SWAT team can die heroically in the line of duty and it’s sad but it’s honorable and somewhat easier to deal with because it’s assumed that he knew the risks and at least he died doing what he loved (terrorizing brown people), but I seriously doubt this security guard ever expected to really put his life on the line. I mean, I don’t know what the museum guards are like in DC, but here they’re almost entirely fat, middle aged black women with walkie talkies and wine colored weaves. Not really a likely line of defense against deadly force. The one good thing is that in a few years, this slain guard’s family can say “oh, yeah, my brother-he died in the Holocaust…..museum” and that’ll maybe be kind of funny. Probably not yet though. Too soon.
The other thing that’s led me to believe that we’re headed straight into a postapocalyptic world of waking nightmares is the pile of magazines that lurks by where I take dumps. Recently some new magazines were added to the pile, which is nice, because I was almost all the way done with that Punk Rock Confidential from 3 years ago, and one of the things that got added was a Women’s Health. I flipped through this idly, mostly because I really wasn’t doing much else, when I came across this article about losing five pounds EASILY. It had lists of things you could eat-a breakfast list, a lunch list and a snack list. I’m not sure where dinner fit in, as I didn’t really read the article. The reason I didn’t read the article is because the first thing on the breakfast list was a ham and cheese omelet sandwich from Burger King.
Now, I’m no nutritionist, but I do know a little something about fast food sandwiches, ham, cheese and the general effect they have on people. And I’m not suggesting that this article is preaching bad science. I’m sure that they’ve got it all worked out so that if you follow the article’s direction, you WILL lose weight while enjoying the BK hamlette or whatever it’s called. I’m more appalled that as a culture we are so gross and disgusting and greasy that a fucking ham and cheese omelet sandwich is now a diet food. I mean, what the fuck are you people eating? Whole pigs stuffed with mayonnaise? It’s nuts. This reminds me of when Jared from subway ended up crapping out what, 300 pounds? He did it by eating footlong sub sandwiches? That just simply should not be, man. That. should. Not. Be.
This weekend my friend Jason is getting married in Florida and I’m headed down there to watch this all go down. I’m pretty excited to sleep in a little and kick it by a pool. I haven’t been out of town in a while.
Speaking of hotels, this kind of reminds me of something that a customer at my bar was telling me about his corporate travel stays. He said that the corporate conventions that pack hotels with businesspeople are crazy. The hotel bar is essentially a thinly veiled waiting room in which you pick people to randomly bone. He also said that the women are mercilessly direct and even moreso if they’re married and the guy they’re trying to seduce is wearing a ring too. This guy, he was at one of these things and his buddy was getting hit on like crazy, and he was convinced it was because of his wedding ring, so he let the other guy try the ring on, and sure enough, as soon as he was wearing the wedding ring, the married women started sizing him up like they were Garfield and he was lasagna. So, this guy, my customer, is now in the market for a fake wedding band that he can just wear at his corporate events. At first it sounded sleazy, but then I realized, it’s brilliant. These women are the ones who are really, truly being deceitful to their families, right? They want random sex with no followup and mutual guilt. If this guy is wearing a fake wedding ring to sneak into their pants, no strings attached style, that’s a real helluva switcheroo. I can’t even really explain why it’s so great, but it is. Next step, men of the sockdrawer, head out to the Airport Hilton, wear a button up shirt, a lose tie and a wedding ring. When the prowlers approach, tell em your reservation got fucked up and your room isn’t ready. Bring rubbers.