Friday, June 26, 2009

Come and dance on our flooooooor

Do you think the Dead McMahaons is a good band name? I dunno. Maybe a little soon, right? Though, I’d guess that there are already some bands who are now calling themselves the Dead McMahaons. Hey, it’s timely, right?
For whatever reason, he’s been on my mind lately, old dead Ed. You know who else? Farrah Fawcett. Yeah. Where’s she? I mean seriously, what’s up her ass these days? Huh? Huh? Nah…tasteless joke. No good. Can’t speak of the dead like that, you know? It’s not cool.
That’s the way life works, Dogs of War. As long as someone’s alive, you can motherfuck them up and down, say they’re total pieces of shit, completely curse their name. Then they die. Here’s your choices: You can (if you’re a total asshole) get high and mighty and decide that they deserved it, like in the case of someone who puts themselves at risk knowingly, an Evil Kenevil or a Steve-O or an Artie Lang, or you just all of a sudden decide that they were great, and that it’s really sad. Yesterday, for example, I was making some joke about the lack of an afternoon crowd at my bar. I said “it’s deader than….” huh. Someone pretty big and beloved died recently, right? Let’s just use Johnny Cash as a place holder since I’m blanking right now. I said “man, it’s deader than Johnny Cash in here” and this guy, this insufferable wang chug who dj’s at the bar I work puffed up and got offended and said something to the effect of “Hey, I don’t think it’s appropriate to be telling jokes like that already, man.” What kind of jokes? Dead person jokes? He IS, in fact, dead. That’s not even much of a joke. That’s like making fun of someone for living in Missouri. Yeah, it might not be awesome, but man, it’s undeniable, and all the eulogizing in the world isn’t gonna make their house suddenly in Wisconsin. He’s dead, man. And you know what, dude? Lots of people have been making jokes about Johnny Cash, you know, bleaching his skin, fucking little boys, living in a zoo/amusement park, partying with chimps and being and all around nut job for a long fucking time. That’s hurtful. Mocking and probing and speculating when someone is alive to feel the sting of the cruelty at large is shitty. Simply joking about someone who’s dead being dead…fuck, man. That’s the sweetest, kindest Johnny Cash joke ever told. Jamon!
Okay, we’re skirting the real issue here, which is, of course that John Ritter died on the same day as Johnny Cash. That’s gotta be rough. I mean here he is, a seventies TV star on an ultimately disposable show that was all about pushing the network’s sexual envelope, dying on the same day as a genre defining musical legend. It’s a bummer for Ritter, that’s for sure. I mean, everyone knows where they were when Johnny Cash died…no, that’s not true. I have no idea where I was. I remember where I was when Farrah Fawcett died though! Man, that was a big blow, right? Seems like just yesterday I was standing there, stacking glasses in my bar when suddenly someone said “farrah Fawcett is no more”. I remember thinking two distinct thoughts: 1. Aw, she never got to go through with that marriage to Ryan Oneil. Bummer. And 2. Did you just say “Is no more?’ What are you, a wizard? Who talks like that?
Well, that’s one of those things right? Death. It’s scary, Sock Drawer. That’s why people invent gods and prolong their youths and hide themselves behind masks and new faces and fake voices and wigs and all this stuff. Because death is scary. Someday, Dogs of War, someday we’ll ALL moonwalk off to that big Star Search in the sky, but until then, we have to just kind of live, right? Keep whacking off to those Farrah Fawcett posters. Keep opening those publishers clearinghouse envelopes. Keep listening to Johnny Cash on the jukebox and pretending we actually like him, keep repositioning John Ritter as a groundbreaking physical comedian even though he….no. You know what? No. John Ritter WAS a groundbreaking physical comedian. No one could fall over a couch like that motherfucker, man. And in Bad Santa? Awesome. Take that, Cash. Now who’s being eulogized fondly?

I dunno…before death came along and ruined the weekend, I was gonna make a list of fun shit to do today, remember? Well, how bout this, in honor of our fallen celebrity friends, here are some dead, decaying, rotting celeb themed activities to try:
Try heroin
Fuck Ryan Oneil
Make a racist joke then loudly shout “HeyoooooO!’
Say something in the kitchen that sounds like you’re about to fuck someone if it’s overheard from the living room.
Bum out Reese Witherspoon with your drunken antics.
Wear a one piece bathing suit.
Take a large check to someone and tell them they’ve won something (don’t worry about the fact that you don’t have any money. You’ll brighten their day for a couple of minutes).
Cuddle with Corey Feldman.
Um….Okay, I gotta go to work so that’s it. Hope this helped. Death ain’t easy kids. I expect lots of consoling, nude picture swapping and general camaraderie in the comments section today. And as always, I’m thinking of y’all.

46 comments:

Landmines said...

i'm hoping that over time MJ's legends grows to the point where we can substitute the word Amen, with Jamon!

Can i start pushing for that now....can i get a Jamon!

Andrew said...

king of baby dangling...i mean pop

Eddie said...

JAMON!!

CrgFlxbl said...

MJ's last words..."Take me to the Children's hospital..."

PIXI said...

I remember where I was when Johnny Cash died. I was in the bathroom getting ready for work in the morning and I could barely hear the radio. I heard his name and I thought to myself that it would be a sad day when he dies. Well, I walk back into my room and they said it again. I just thought, No, I didn't mean today! Anyways I was sitting at work when I overheard someone talking about MJ and FF. Even if you don't like him, you can't deny what he did for music and especially MTV. Come on, we all grew up listening to his music. Jamon!

Kyle Milton said...

serious question - what color was MJ's dick?

nickp1 said...

did anyone realize now that they are crediting mj for his video's changing tv into an artform,(that was on yahoo) changing the taste of pepsi, changing music? what are they gonna tell us next, he was responsible for 2 girls, one cup?

i am sure that everyone has heard this by now but....

Farah Faucet went to heaven and was granted one wish. She asked for all childern to be safe. God then killed Michael Jackson.

JAMON!!

Landmines said...

in remembrance of Mr. Jackson's passing all 8 year old boys will wear their pant's zipper at half mast.


ok that was a cheap one, but i thought it was pretty funny

PIXI said...

I haven't heard that joke yet. That's funny, but so wrong.

PIXI said...

referring to nickp1's joke

nickp1 said...

i don't know i like the zipper at half mast.

Some Young Guy said...

i really liked the comparison to when johnny cash died the day after john ritter. hilarious.

michael jackson did have the best selling record of all time. i don't think anyone will ever beat it.

Jayzilla said...

friday posts help me finish the week, i never said thank you for that...


JAMON!

myassisapipebomb said...

Johnny Cash fucked elvis's daughter...or so they say.

yesterday when i got home i turned on MTV to see what their antics about Cash dying would be. now, i am no pop culture wikipedia page, but i had no fucking clue who the shitbirds were that were obituizing him.

smoke a ton of weed and watch his movie Moonwalker. seriously. it already makes no sense, but when you're high, it's just so scary.

so it goes...

PIXI said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Banana@1000MPH said...

Why did Michael Jackson go to the mall (before he died)? Because he heard little boys' pants were half off!

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose (well, how did he, you know, before he died)? Out of a catalog!

Yeah, I swear I read the second one on a laffy taffy or popsicle stick and it is the longest a joke has ever stuck with me.

Banana@1000MPH said...

Also, something about McDonald's hamburgers and Michael Jackson having sex with small children. I don't remember that one.

Suzanne said...

I think, right now, there are people drawing straws, bribing, blackmailing, whatever, to be the coroner that gets to do MJ's autopsy. I mean seriously.. it'll be like archaeology.. strata of skin and bone and, clearly, the need to answer what color his dick really is..

Tell me if you were a coroner in LA, you wouldn't want it to be you...

Scott Juniper. said...

fuck the "best selling record of all time" argument. yeah, it's true, but it doesn't make it a good record. any one stop and think that the general public just has terrible taste?

Some Young Guy said...

@scott has obviously never heard the song "beat it".

Bridgett said...

Funniest post ever.

John said...

you know it wasnt a heart attack, they found him in the childrens ward having a stroke.

Gabriel said...

Since Michael Jackson as 99% plastic, they're going to melt him down into legos and let the children play with HIM for once.
Jamon!

kylewagoner said...

Am I a fucking moron for skipping out on Insubordination Fest with D4, Toys That Kill, and Cloak/Dagger? Or the one today with Dead Milkmen and Boris the Sprinkler and Pansy Division? I kind of think I am, but I'm sunburnt, the guy that books my bands shows who failed to mention that the one he booked for last Sunday was canceled will be there, and I have no one to go with and hide behind when he tries to talk to me. AND! I don't want to go 3 hours to Baltimore, watch bands for 12 hours (may of which I don't know) and try to keep tabs on who I liked and what their names were and then see the bands I want to see after 8 PM. And D4 aren't playing until 12:40 (and I'm sure they're going to be fucking great as a headlining band) but that'd mean getting out of Baltimore around 2 AM or so and then getting home as the sun is coming up and I can't do that shit. Moshing with a sunburn? I'm just making excuses...

Oh, and I heard this one:

After all of his plastic surgeries, do you think MJ will be recycled?


love,
Kyle

Zach said...

Michael Jackson sucks dicks in hell.....oops.

schmoll9er said...

Do you know where Michael Jackson went to college? Brigham Young! but seriously i told a joke about MJ, and everyone got all offended and told me how he was going to be the next mozart.

Drunken Acorn said...

You know what the worst part is. all these shitballs that are crying about this dickhole.Why does Michael Jackson like twenty eight year olds? Because there are twenty of them. The zipper joke is the best.

Sickie27 said...

I was sitting outside of a show alone reading this post from my phone just giggling to myself. Hilarious.

I don't have any jokes except:
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?
One's dangerous for kids to play with, the other is used to carry groceries.
And I heard this one yesterday: RIP, it's as easy as 123.
Which I laughed hysterically at because I'm lame.

I actually never heard when Johnny Cash died but I remember Ritter's death pretty well.

But anyway, I'm making ymself feel like elss of an asshole by saying that me laughing and joking keeps me from being sad.

Candice said...

i hear mj died of food poisoning. police found two 12 year old nuts in his mouth.

Justin said...

@myassisapipebomb

I wouldn't worry too much over the shitbirds. fucking snoop dogg dedicated a song to Cash's memory.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ks3w859ujbU

I'd be more worried about that.

Steve said...

I live in MN and I saw Rise Against last night. I think that this was the most audience "into-it" ever? Or something like that? I was back at the bar drinking but every one in the pit and along the sides were giving it their all. I have never heard so many people singing along to so many songs before. Well, except at any of TLA shows of course! Im still pissed i missed the "warped tour" tour because I was in Iraq. Any chance it may ever happen again?

Robb said...

WhoOa~! After a decade's worth of lame and repetitive Farrah Fawcett potshots, these MJ cracks are a breath of fresh air! Set phasers to "cutting edge"!

Dan said...

crazy... Dead McMahon was the first thing (well, after "more like") I said after a friend told me he died.

Man, with Bush out of office and now these celebrity deaths, Jay Leno must be sweating like Michael Jackson in a... ah nevermind.

Manny Los Gatos said...

I'm sure not many of you guys were alive or old enough to know what was up when Thriller came out, but I was in Jr. HIgh. It was a fucking phenomenon, it wasn't an album. Look at the youtube video when MJ did the moonwalk at the American Music Awards or whatever it was. He might as well have walked on the moon, everyone was talking about it for weeks. Everybody had the beat it jacket with the chains, or the thriller jacket. You would go to stores like Chess King and they would be sold out. IF they got a shipment in, it would sell out in hours. It wasn't just an album. I know it's not everyone's type of music, but I don't understand how you can listen to Thriller, and not say it's good. Check out my blog for more on Michael and FF.

PIXI said...

A lot of you are too young to remember MJ as anything but a joke. Back in the 80's, he wasn't a joke, he was actually cool. But then he just got weird.

jackorigionalpressing said...

ok if there is a man who understands my situation and hopefully knows how to solve the problem IT IS YOU!


ok...so i'm still a bit drunk, but anyway......i have the type of sense of humor where i don't care who you are or when it is....i'm makin a stupid joke (like at my nan's funeral when somebody said i'm sorry you lost your nan...so i said...we didn't lose her, she's just dead, in a coffen right over there) but anyway,....i said some thing tonight that led to somebody throwing their drink in my face....i kept laughing, because i guess thats how i deal with problems....BUT my question is.....what is the best way to apologize for acting like a dick when your drunk?

jackorigionalpressing said...

ok if there is a man who understands my situation and hopefully knows how to solve the problem IT IS YOU!


ok...so i'm still a bit drunk, but anyway......i have the type of sense of humor where i don't care who you are or when it is....i'm makin a stupid joke (like at my nan's funeral when somebody said i'm sorry you lost your nan...so i said...we didn't lose her, she's just dead, in a coffen right over there) but anyway,....i said some thing tonight that led to somebody throwing their drink in my face....i kept laughing, because i guess thats how i deal with problems....BUT my question is.....what is the best way to apologize for acting like a dick when your drunk?

Shane McPain said...

you heartless bastards, shamone you all. heh.

Mr_Crackovich said...

Yo Brendan I need some serious advice. I am attending the University of Pittsburgh this upcoming school year and just found out via facebook who my roomate and floormates will be. To my dismay the vast majority of them are much larger than me, have chinstrap beards, wear affliction shirts, and just look like all around douche bags. Am I fucked or do you think they might end up being pretty okay despite their appearances.

Aaron said...

Don't you guys have any respect?!
The king of soul dies and this is how he's treated.

Candice said...

isn't the king of soul james brown?

and i have no respect for myself. you can't expect me to have respect for others.

Sickie27 said...

Pixi, I think you're underestimating us younger folk. I most definitely remember Michael Jackson before he became a joke. I, too, attempted the moon walk back when I was a wee little one.

nickp1 said...

screw the king of pop, billy may's died, now who's gonna hock us such fine products as oxy clean, orange glow...ect?

Bridgett said...

@nickp1

The ShamWow guy. You know, the one that smacks hookers.

Toto said...

imagine how big of an "artist" he was that here in Buenos Aires, there were like 20 guys dressed like dancing zombies singing and dancing along to Thriller and just stopped the traffic in 9 De Julio (largest avenue in the world) and all local tv stations were there filming them, while the rest of the people was laughing and feeling really embarrased for them... really pathetic...like some kind of freaky cult.

i'm sure as hell those dancing zombies were abused when kids.
because you only like jhonny cash if you have bad taste or were ass raped when kid.
beat it is a great song though(i was never ass raped, i just have bad taste)

oh, and hello to everyone, been reading this for a while, first time posting.
hugs and kisses from Argentina (?)
Rodrigo.

PIXI said...

Billy Mays died? I didn't know that