shut your mouth now, big boy!

Good morning Dogs of War! It’s a real pleasure to rap at you today. I’m tired. My friends were over late and we grilled and I stayed up way later than I would have liked to. Yesterday was productive in that I wrote a pretty cool song and had a meeting with my friend Nick regarding a huge bear of a project. Speaking of bears, any of you guys out there know how to get ahold of a bear mascot costume kinda on the cheap? I’m actually thinking I’m gonna need 2 of em, but maybe not. Maybe I can just dress the same one up differently. Jesus Christ…Anyway.
Yesterday, in the sock drawer, someone mentioned that my complaint line here at BSC was actually 976 ANAL, which is hilarious, but not for the reason you think. The reason that’s hilarious is because my intent was to put 976 COCK. That means (brace yourselves) that COCK and ANAL are the SAME THING IN PHONE SEX NUMEROLOGY!!!! Pretty cool if you ask me, man. My baby is napping and I’ve got a ton of shit to do. My band has to practice, I’ve gotta get one of those containers to store coffee in (see Answers! Beautiful Answers! For a detailed description of why) and I’ve got another meeting with Nick. It’s gonna take place in a car or perhaps a kitchen, or maybe both. My friend Bob, who’s really into amphetamines is gonna be there too. He’s easily distracted. It’s a prescription thing, not a seedy prostitute/speed freak thing. Jesus, relax. Don’t you guys know that amphetamines are prescribed for everything from colds to personality disorders? This actually reminds me of a story, the part about hookers and speed freaks, that is… (now who’s easily distracted? Anyway…)
One night we were trying to get out of Barcelona. The guy driving our van was uh…freaking us all out. He was, and remains, german. He’s also very small and he has no hair or teeth. I’m not joking. He’s great. I love him dearly, BUT this particular day, he was acting kind of strange (a whole other story) and after circling Barcelona for about 2 hours I made the executive decision that we should pull into a truckstop and just fucking get off the road, man. Relax. Smoke a joint and chill out. SO, we did just that. There, between various euro semi trucks (or ‘lorries’ if you’re speaking the king’s English…goofy loyalists) we made our camp. Chris set to work rolling a cone and our driver guy told me he was gonna take off for a while because he wanted to see if the truckstop was home to any transsexual prostitutes. Because, and I’m not joking here, that’s what he wanted to spend his money on. SO, he takes off and we start talking about how he’s been acting kind of strange and how he was probably really pissing off the other band we were on tour with (Millencolin, on the Kingwood tour) but that was probably okay, because their tour manager was such a complete cock chugger that, well, he was pissing us off, so it was a mutual thing at least. Anyway, we got along with the band just wonderfully, it was a case of two very VERY different styles of tour management colliding. That’s all. Regardless, Millencolin, not that big in the states, but in Europe they’re ENORMOUS. This tour was a big fucking deal. Biggest tour I’ve ever been on and I’ve been on tour with Adam fucking Lazarra you plebes. Anyway…So our dude comes back with the sad news that all the hookers at the truckstop were just women with vaginas, so, you know, no dice. He settled for smoking some hash instead, so we lit the joint and were just kind of kicking it right there between the trucks, when who walks around the corner? Are you guessing prostitutes? Trannies? Nah. 2 cops.
Ah.
Fuck.
They’re not looking too happy. Or more to the point, they’re looking real happy because they apparently love ruining people’s day (They’re cops, after all). SO, we start acting dumb and shrugging and speaking English loudly and stupidly in an attempt to gather a little bit of sympathy while our tour manager, who speaks Spanish, approached the cops to try to explain what was going on. Remember, he’s odd looking, and that’s putting it very mildly. He’s got a tattoo of barbed wire around his neck, just for example. So the cops kind of wig out a little, back off and shine a flashlight on him and that’s when they see his tour laminate. “Millencolin?” the cop asks pointing at the laminate. “si! Millencolin” says our driver, pointing at us. We wave. The cops suddenly become giggly and proceed to tell us how much they LOVE us (millencolin) and then tell us to have a great tour and even hand us back the joint. It was wonderful. Then we found a bunch of trannies and ran a real hell of a train on em all.
Okay, here’s a quick blast of advice then it’s off to the sock drawer for all of us, right? Good.

Q
As usual, this concerns a girl--about four years ago I was dating this girl, it lasted for almost two years before I caught wind of her cheating on me. I did what any self respecting dude would do and dumped her ass, and even though I was/am pretty fucked up over it, I feel good about the fact that I didn't pussy out and try to get her back. Anyway, while I was dating her I became friends friends with her brother, and after we broke up I would still hang out with him. We pretty much agreed without talking about it not to talk about it, which worked out great. We got to be really good friends over the next few years and I got to know his girlfriend as well, and now we hang out all the time. Now here's the problem: my friend recently asked his girlfriend to marry him, and this shindig is going down in a few weeks. I'm invited, naturally my ex is invited (with her now-boyfriend, the guy she cheated on me with) and even though I know SOME of the other people my friend is inviting, I'm not really friends with any of them. I'm not dating anyone right now, I don't have a hot chick I can bring with me and I'm not looking forward to the prospects of hanging out by myself at this wedding looking like a loser in sight of my ex and her boyfriend while they're all over each other. Now I'd consider paying some really hot chick to go with me but not only is that pretty pathetic as well, my friend would know it's bullshit and it'd probably come out. That leaves not going, which isn't a real option either -- my friend and his girlfriend would be pissed at me, and my ex would get way too much satisfaction out of it because I know she'd assume she's the cause of me skipping it.

My question, is it a loser move to bring a guy friend as my +1? I mean, there's an open bar and I plan on getting shitfaced (probably a bad idea) but I'd look less of a complete loser if I was doing it with a friend. If you have any other possible tips for me, do share cause I can use the help.

A
You go. You bring your buddy. You don’t worry about shit. You have fun, you tell your friend congrats and you act nice to your ex but don’t lurk around her at all and just concentrate on having fun with your buddy. Weddings are great spots to meet girls and great spots to hang out with your snazzy new attitude that exemplifies that you’re confident, unflappable and way cooler than your ex’s dorky new boyfriend. Don’t worry about the slight gayness of bringing a dude. It’s cool. They invited you cuz they like you and want you to be there and have fun. If bringing your buddy makes it more fun for you, then hell, no worries. One small caution: DO NOT GET SO DRUNK THAT YOU ACT LIKE A DIPSHIT. You will be SO bummed out if you do. Have fun. I can’t stress this enough. You won’t be a loser at all if you keep it together and have fun.
Okay dildettes and dingalings…I’m outa here. Snoochy boochies.