Wednesday, July 1, 2009

You haven't even touched your tuna casserole!

Yeah! Fucking A god damn wooooHOOOO! That’s right assholes! I’m cheering. Why? Well, because I’m getting the fuck out of this godforsaken shit palace for a while and hitting up lovely northern Wisconsin where I’ll watch two belligerent and blacked out micks slur their everlasting commitments to one another in front of an equally drunken priest while their families fistfight in the background. We’re bringing the baby. It’s gonna be a scene, a time, a happening. You know, whatever pretentious dipshits in lofts say when they’re implying that they’re going somewhere important. That’s where I’m going, and make no mistake, an Irish wedding with an open bar in the northwoods is about as cosmopolitan as it gets. They said we have to bring our own corncobs if we want to wipe our asses. Fortunately, I only shit at home. It’s rough on month long tours, but it’s great for these weekend getaways when I don’t want my bag to be overflowing with corncobs. What’s that? Antiquated? What do you use, an electric corn cob? Well ooh la la.
You know that in India they wipe their asses with water and they think it’s revolting that we only use paper to smear the shit out of our butts. That’s true. They also ride on the outside of trains when the insides fill up. For these reasons and more India is a many splendored place. The end.
No, this is great because these two people getting married are pretty good shits, and I love Wisconsin and I’m all too happy to dust my dick off and get out of here for a while. Does that mean no Thursday or Friday BSC? You better believe it, assmanglers. I’m leaving my computer at home, so you all have 2 choices. Choice one: Visit the archives and enjoy BSC’s of yesteryear. Read, laugh and be amazed as I mock historical personages from Dan Quayle to Max Headroom. Or, 2, do something else entirely. Tough choice, but I think 1 is obviously the way to go.
Okay, what else? I got some advice to give out, and I plan on nailing it as per usual, so hold onto your glasses and cunts, because here it comes:

Q
So I am a 28 year old dude - decent job, not poor, not rich. Married to a great lady, have fantastic friends/family - really I am 100% pleased with everything but myself of late. And it's not really the emotional me, but the physical me. I've always been a bigger dude, but lately things have gotten out of control - i'm 6'3 and pushing 350 bills lately. I have always struggled with weight, but maybe now that I am getting older, its really taking over. The thing is - I know its an issue, and I know what I have to do to fix it (eat right, exercise, cocaine etc...) but I just cannot seem to motivate myself to do it.

That is the part that is really bothering me - the fact that I know we are trying to start a family and I am killing myself bite by bite - what the heck is wrong with me that all of that isnt enough to make me get my shit together? My wife is an enabler (I am not by any means saying this is her fault - fyi - she doesnt put the food in my mouth) and I know that she loves me as I am and would never ask or guilt me into changing. Same with my family. I know I am not the best husband or friend or son or brother than I can be right now due to my physical limitations. I had to have back surgery last year that was in part brought on by all the thickness.

So I guess I am asking to see if there is anything you can think of that would help me get where I need to be? I dont want to medicate - I want to do it myself - because there is no reason that I should not be able to. I'm just reaching a point where its starting to be hard just to be the funny fat guy - I dont want to have a heart attack when I am 33. Do I need public shaming? I dont know - I just know that I have not system of accountability set up and know that right now I cannot count on myself to fix it.

A
Okay, okay okay. Firstly, good query. See kids, he put all the pertinent info right in the question. That’s how it’s done. Secondly, don’t be so fucking hard on yourself. You wrote to me, knowing (guessing, hoping, supposing) that I would put it up here for all to see, and you probably had at least a tiny bit of a suspicion that I might be a real harsh asshole and berate you. Well, fear not, I’m not gonna do that. My point is, you HAVE taken a step. You’re talking about a big, daunting life choice. It’s not like you just wake up one day and love rice cakes and pilates. I mean, a quick trip to the BMI shows me that you’re somewhere in the neighborhood of my entire bodyweight over your ideal size, so let’s be pragmatic…you’ve been fucking off for a while, slowly coming to grips with what you need to do, but retreating into your comfort zone (food, lounging, beer? Soda? Whatever) whenever you start thinking too much about it and the realities of the (perceived) impossibility of fixing anything starts to really rear its head. This is the same thing that anyone with self destructive behavior does, be it blowing strangers, doing coke, drinking, overeating what have you. But, YOU have already taken a first step. You’re looking for help, and believe it or not, that’s harder than everything else that you’ll have to do.
Okay, on to the good shit. The good news, you’re a guy and you’re way huge. That means that you don’t have to change your whole life to start dropping weight. Your body wants that shit off and it will be happy to oblige if you give it just the tiniest little jolt to the balls (figuratively). What you need to do is a few small things that are manageable and fun that will yield little results, because nothing will motivate you like seeing results, even small ones. This is a promise. First, do you cook? You do now. Cooking for yourself is key. Seriously, you can cook almost anything at home (as long as you actually COOK IT and not just WARM IT UP…SO NO FROZEN SHIT, no shit from bottles. Make your own sauces.) and it’ll be better for you than shit you get at the restaurant. Not your speed? Fine. Find something that you can make that is delicious and not super bad for you. I’m not saying you have to eat vegetables and grass. Start with dinner. Eat a normal breakfast and lunch, and instead of whatever the fuck you usually eat, find a way to prepare chicken or fish that’s not deep fried that’s still good (use barbeque sauce and grill some chicken outside. It’s not wheat grass, but it’s not a meat lovers’ calzone either). Or eat lean steak. And don’t worry about avoiding butter and cheese and shit like that. Keep it manageable, man. We aren’t trying to ruin your life, we’re trying to make it better, right? You don’t have to eat “healthy,” just healthier than you are now. You get what I’m saying. I know you do. And, when you DO eat garbage, just have a little of it. I mean, just this little adjustment should start to help. Believe me, when you carry that much extra, little things really do work. One very important thing regarding diet…You drink soda? You gotta stop. One soda, fat-ass-wise is equivalent to 2 beers. Stopping with the soda is good for up to ten pounds in a week or two. Seriously. Hell, drink one beer everytime you’d have a soda and you’ll STILL be on your way to slimming down. For reals. Plus, you’ll be drunk.
Your wife: Tell her what you’re doing and tell her to help you. It’s important to have a support team when you take on any project. I can’t write a record without showing the songs to people and getting feedback/support/that look that means “really? that’s what you’re trying?”. This is the same thing, it’s a big undertaking and you’ll need a bit of a squad. She doesn’t need to be your drill sergeant, but she should be helping you find shit you like to eat that’s not KFC and jalapeno poppers and other various fat boy delights, and generally keeping you on track. She WILL notice results and she’ll tell you about em, and again, that’s motivation like you wouldn’t believe.
As for everything else, dude, just take it slow. You’re huge. You’re not doing pull ups or running miles for a little minute. Start with long walks, or hanging out in the pool or taking the stairs. If you improve your diet just a little, and do these little things, you’ll have more energy, which will naturally lead you to want to do more. But don’t look to do everything right away. Small dudes work out everyday and never get chiseled abs or any shit like that, and it sounds like you don’t really care about that shit anyway, which is good, so don’t bother thinking that you need to do everything in order to do anything. You don’t. This should and can be a fun challenge. And that’s how you need to look at it. You’re being adventurous, trying new food (Korean, thai and Indian, ethiopian…look at those people, they’re all skinny as shit, man) doing new shit, and AND you’ll be seeing your dick, looking better, getting compliments (because people LOVE to compliment people who lose weight) and your wife is gonna be giving you more bj’s which is gonna lead to more boning which is, brace yourself, good exercise that just keeps the whole thing going.
Finally, keep everything in perspective. I’m a fairly small dude, but after a winter of fucking off and eating like shit and not exercising, I need to get back and do a little maintenance too. It’s a thing that anyone who cares about their health should do after a certain age. You are big, and the numbers seem daunting, but fuck all that. You don’t need to be 180 pounds, you just need to get to where you feel good and you don’t have a sense of helplessness and guilt, and that is something you CAN do. It’s no different than anyone just picking up where they left off. Don’t let the big numbers get you down. That shit’s just relative anyway.
Yeah, so that’s it. No public shame necessary. Just do it because it’s a fun, low impact way to improve your life, not because it’s something that’s oppressive and terrifying. Because it’s not. You’ve got nothing to lose (Well, that’s a bad choice of phrase, huh? heyo!) and nothing but blowjobs to gain. Thanks for playing and good luck.

The rest of you, let’s go get some poppers! Heh. I kid. I’m joking around. You’re all too fat.
See you Monday!
BK

38 comments:

Steve Jones said...

You hit the nail on the head BK. I was going through the same thing and I've lost 50 pounds in 2 months. It's exactly like he said dude just a few small adjustments will yield results. I'm trying to drop down to 175 and I'm 6'1. I only have 50 more pounds to go! Cutting out soda was a big thing. Just do it man and update us with your awesome results!

Ross said...

Eating at home is fucking huge for being healthier. I work at Johnny Carino's, and it's fucking incredible how people eat in our restaurant. 1 loaf of bread is 1200 calories. People eat 2 or 3 before the meal. By conditioning it's what you do before you eat Italian food, and it's tasty. My point is when you cook at home, you are consciously seeing what you put in your food. No matter what, it will be better for you. Cheaper too. Good Luck man!!!

steveisjewish said...

Yo BK - thanks for the advise - I am the fat dude in question - and steve/ross - thanks for the encouragement - I'll hit the scale tomorrow (im at work now) and let ya'll know where I am starting at... at least this way I'll have some people to answer to!

Stizzy said...

hey steveisjewish join us over at the other sock drawer

we can be a pretty good support

thesockdrawer.proboards.com

bert said...

BK - you hit the nail on the head, especially with the soda. i'm not a big guy by any stretch, but stopped drinking soda a few months ago, and i'm having trouble keeping my pants up... good advice to anyone looking to lose weight. switch to water and tea as far as beverages go. they're not loaded with sugar, and they actually hydrate you when you're thirsty.
steveisjewish - totally keep us posted and good luck dude!

http://thesockdrawer.proboards.com/
come check us out!

Josh said...

I'm right there with you steveis. I'm about 5'10" and 240~ with reallllly unhealthily high blood pressure and have been fighting with myself for almost a year now on the weight loss thing.

BK is right, the small changes are the easiest to make for the most part. Walk more, drink water, get fat free/low sodium/wheat products whenevr possible etc etc

The big thing I've been learning is don't deprive yourself of things you love. Take soda. I love soda. Love it. It's like a drug. Soda and chips. I'll go a month without either at times, but then I 'relapse' and I'll tear through a 2 liter of pepsi in a single night after work. That's bad. Instead I (am trying to) limit myself to one bottle a week, once it's gone, no more.

I also second the tea reccomendation, I didn't think I'd like it but I can't get enough of green teas with honey or pom/white grape green teas.

Crystal Light powered drinks are ok too, sometimes they have kind an overwhelming 'fake sugar' taste like a diet soda would, but it's better than nothing if you're sick of plain water and want some flavor.

AlexCanteen said...

Steve- good luck. I went to school in Binghamton so I know all about Endicott.

Something to look at is portion control. A lot of portions, in America specifically, are much larger than an average meal should be. If you start cooking at home and eat until your full, you can always save the rest for another time (and since you cooked it, it's much better than the other stuff found in a freezer). One guy I work with, with low exercise and significant portion control, dropped a significant amount of weight in six months.
The soda and lean meats things are huge. Also, try more complex carbs (things like oat bran, whole wheat). They can really keep you full longer and also fill you up more.
But yeah, as the eminent BK said, go at a pace your comfortable at- it is the best way to keep the change moving in a positive direction.

Good luck!

Jayzilla said...

i had a good friend that went through the exact same thing - 6' 300+ .. he's completely changed -- without going to the gym! all he does is go for a long walk everyday, no soda, (he doesnt drink), and of course a major diet overhaul --

everyone gives this kid compliments now .. he's down to 175!

PIXI said...

I have to commend you, steveisjewish, for wanting to do this yourself and not resorting to medication or surgery. I think it is ridiculus when people turn to that when they have the means to do it themselves. I kind of have the mentality that if I can do it anyone can. I lost 90 lbs in about 2 years. It may have been slow but at least it was coming off. Good luck to you and you should definitely join us in the other sock drawer.

Capt Murdock said...

Hey Steve you've inspired me to start a Challenge in your honor.

Check it out!
thesockdrawer.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=gross&action=display&thread=176

Danny said...

Steve listen to the man. He gives great advice. I had a little bit of a fat period too and the cooking at home really changed shit around for me. That and a treadmill.
To follow up on the advice that you gave me about a month ago Brendan, everything is going really well now. I've been making friends and meeting women. I had thought about alot of things with my situation, but what you said about me being a different person now than I was at the last place that I lived and owning my current situation was what I really needed to hear. I had never thought about that particular aspect of my situation, but now the confidence is coming back with leaps and bounds and I'm starting to sift through the hot head dipshits and find the quality people. It really helped me to know that it is okay that I'm not the same person and to embrace who it is that I am now instead of looking back to see who I used to be. Thanks again Brendan! You really helped me out when I needed it.
-Danny

admp said...

hey brendan,

I just moved to chicago yesterday and I need to find a job. I also need to find good places to eat food, venues that will book my crappy music, and neighborhoods I will want to hang out/shop/live in.

So, I guess this is not so much a question as a request to do a guide to living in Chicago.
Thanks, man.

Chris said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Luke said...

"Plus, you’ll be drunk."

Oh Brendan, you're too much.

Josh said...

I know a lot of people already mentioned it but I just want to throw another +1 into the "No soda" camp. I quit the stuff cold turkey about 5 years ago (save for a single Mt. Dew every couple of months) and other than that my diet is honestly pretty bad and I only exercise about half an hour three times a week or so... thing is I haven't put on a single pound in those five years (knock on wood. I'm still young enough that my metabolism could slow down).

High fructose corn syrup ruins lives.

Drunken Acorn said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Drunken Acorn said...

Hey Steve I'm doing the same thing right now. I'm 5'7 215 lbs. been laying off the fast food, swiming and lifting weights everyday. it's been a big help dropped 5 lbs so far. keep us updated and good luck.

Manny Los Gatos said...

Dude I know how it is to fight with Mother Nature to keep the weight off. My metabolism sucks. I have to run miles and not eat just to lose 10 lbs.

Here's the deal. Everyone's giving you great advice, but number 1, you gotta get active. Get off the couch and walk along the lake. Find a place with hot women (beach) and go there. Enjoy the sights and walk around. Ride your bike. Ride a stationary bike and watch TV. Try to be active for at least a half hour a day. Take a walk on your lunch break, anything.

The other thing is portion control. If you are eating a whole large pizza, cut it to a half. Two big macs? Go with 1. I know you are eating either a lot of food, or the wrong food, or both to maintain that size, so you gotta cut it back. Walk around hungry once in a while. Your stomach will shrink and you will get filled up on less food.

If you wanna jumpstart the whole thing, try slimfast. Don't wash down a pizza with it though, use if for meal replacement. The best meal to replace is dinner, it just turns to fat while you sleep. Good luck! Keep us informed.

Banana@1000MPH said...

I'm not obese, but I'm fat and pretty young, so it will only get harder to lose weight. I think I need to quit drinking root beer. I don't drink it often, but I guess none is better.

Owner Operator said...

jewish is steve! oops i mean steve is jewish!
here in australia we had an add campaign run by the government. the catch phrase was "find 30" basically. find 30 minutes of exercise everyday that you didn't used to get. so that means things like:
park on the top level of the car park furter away from your office and take the stairs both ways. 13 minutes (down) on the way to work, 17 minutes (up) on the way home. thats a total of 30 minutes easy.
or...
walk to your favourite local pub/bar/whatever... 12 mins there, 18 mins back (you're drunk on the way home)

shit like that hey...

http://www.findthirtyeveryday.com.au/

good luck! i beleive in you!

oh, another thing... first time you way yourself drink a litre of water... so yeh, you'll weigh more the first time... but the next time you weigh your self, instant results. and results show you it's not that hard and lead to more motivation (that's what i think anyways)


anyways. we're all cheering you on steve! steve! steve! steve! steve! steve! steve! STEVE!!!!!!!

Bridgett said...

I have to make my boyfriend read this. Not because he's a whining girl about wanting to lose weight, but I'm pretty sure Brendan said he loves Wisconsin. That's fucking awesome, because Wisconsin is pretty fuckin' cool. And if Brendan approves, maybe my boyfriend will stop whining about it.

Robb said...

It's your day, Steve. You're a king! All these tips are practical and excellent. A few more:

1) "Cheat" day, or, "Treat Yourself, Steve!": Healthy meal routines are fucking boring. Thus, designated cheat day. Mondays are great, as they're terrible and this makes for a saving grace. Don't go apeshit; just devote one or two meals that day to whatever you're been craving, in moderation. It's a little blowjob at the end of a scary tunnel.

2) Condiments: They make boring healthy things marginally less boring. Salsa, hot sauce and jalapenos are my personal favorite because literally everything is better hot and they have virtually no nutritional value, so you can go nuts.

3) Morning cardio: The absolute best time is in the morning on an empty stomach. You haven't eaten for several hours, so your body will burn more from its fat stores instead of food calories you've ingested. Many whom engage in this practice tend to be in law school, and that's annoying.

4) Night carbs: Since you're going to be lying on your ass the next several hours, eating pasta/bread/cereal late at night isn't ideal. A lean meat (e.g. skinless chicken breast) works great because it provides that sense of satiety with very little fat/carbs/sugar.

5) Meat: Remember, Steve--The single most important thing is to continue consuming meat in some form, thus remaining biologically male. A popular myth amongst the unenlightened is that a man can entirely eschew meat for cabbage and yellow squash and NOT have his penis shrivel off like autumn's first leaves. It's science, and 60% of the time it's always not wrong.

steveisjewish said...

Hey all - Thank you for all the advise, inspiration, and kind words - I have been signed up on the sock drawer for a few weeks, just havent posted at all and forgot my password - I will check in tomorrow though.

But I do appreciate it and would felch you all if I could...

Angiepants said...

On behalf of Wisconsin I thank you for the revenue from your inevitable speeding ticket(s).

Andrew said...

this is quite possibly your best advice column yet bk. keep up the good work!

http://thesockdrawer.proboards.com

Sickie27 said...

Everyone always has cool advice for losing weight, which is awesome. Tt's cool to be healthy.

But no one can ever say much about GAINING weight. I'm underweight, which is unhealthy also. I'm 19, just under 95 pounds, but 5'2". And I actually eat a shitload which is frustrating.

But it does give me the upperhand sometimes. Even if I'm awkwardly skinny, it helps me get hit on being the only thin chick in a pool of fatties.

Dan Leonidas said...

Many thanks for the Weird Al "Eat It" lyric that is the title of today's post. Weird Al doesn't get enough play these days.

Bridgett said...

High five Angiepants.

3 wisdom teeth said...

YO STEVEISJEWISH!

word kid! eat pussy and dont swallow....calorie free!

quik tips:
*always eat breakfast (eventually work up to where this is the biggest meal of the day)

*always have healthy food around...never sugary snacks, if ur reaching for the chip bag a few too many times eat a banana. shit like that.

*THIS IS FUN! really, it becomes a life style and u will really fall in love with it..bring your girl in like bk said, for more than support, shes in too.

*always weigh yourself in the morning, u will always weigh more at night and if u weigh urself in the morning u will be bummed if u step on the scale and ur up 7 pounds.

*eat all the clean food u want. Example: 12 egg whites and 1 cup of oatmeal is about 450 calories...same as one little fast food breakfast sandwich. and its really fucking hard to eat 12 eggs and a bowl of oatmeal.

also, when u get into this shit over the top, you burn 200% more fat if u do cardio first thing in the morning on some water. although u always need to eat breakfast right after. just some extra over kill advice.

love you sock drawerers...love you brendan. smooches

hey bk, next time your in az, tempe area, go to the CHUCK BOX. best burger this side of the other states or something. its close to the clubhouse (3 minutes driving)where ive seen u get drunk and play. and 15 minutes from the nile where i think i was lucky enough to catch u a few times with maybe 10 other wippersnappers in the crowd, anyhoo, enough of how much i like totally know u and stuff. just go to chuck box and enjoy.

Robb said...

One more thing. If you do throw in some cardio, I recommend keeping it really low-impact at first. Preferably stationary bike, walking or swimming. The heavier you are, the more stress jogging and running puts on the lower back, hips and knees. Better to play it safe for awhile than risk a shitty motivation-killing injury right out the gate.

bishikon said...

lol i just came across this

http://www.dobi.nu/yourscenesucks/juggalo/index.htm

bishikon said...

oh and the whole weight thing, i swapped from coke to pepsi MAX and now have a 6pack without moving a muscle

soft drink really is the big factor i think

timziegler said...

Wisconsin is where I grew up. Having left it, I can say it is an unknown gem for the rest of the world.

Also, the hell out of Wisconsin you FIB.

Candice said...

i'm 27, 5'3, and range between 95-105 pounds. i don't exercise and eat cupcakes constantly. i'm sure my arteries are as clogged as an obese person and i'll die at 35 but for now i look good in a bikini, have t&a, and couldn't gain weight if i tried.

PIXI said...

bishikon, do you mean you have a 6 pack of pepsi max? cuz there's no way you can get a 6 pack without exercising.

Jayzilla said...

weird al does me good -

remember when the chili peppers said that he could use their song, then when they heard weird Al's flinstone version flea said he 'didnt get it'!

whats there not to get?

imma listen to amish paradise and remember 4th grade

Robb said...

In the new Tyson documentary, Mike uses the term 'skullduggery' on multiple occasions. Highly recommended; the flick and the word.

Angiepants said...

Okay, Advice BK, I need some insight here. Lately my pets have been pissing me off. I mean just the sight of them is irritating. I don't know when or why this started. I've always loved animals and I've always loved having pets. I've even considered becoming a vet (and I'm not even in elementary school!). But lately all of the puking and the hair on all of my things and the shit and everything else has just become such a bother. I don't get any enjoyment out of having these animals around anymore. It doesn't even seem to have been a gradual thing. I just kind of woke up one day and said to myself, "Jesus Christ, I cannot stand being around these things." They're still cared for and all that shit but my heart just isn't in it anymore, I just don't care. Is this just the last ounce of my childhood leaving my body or something? I don't understand what's going on. Help me, Ob-Wan Kelly, you're my only hope!