und Becks?

Hey beavers and balls, what’s crackalackin? Oh, me? Just getting ready for another exciting day of breaking glasses and pretending not to hate motherfuckers. It’s not that bad really. I mean, I get to ride my bike there, so, um…wow. That’s a pretty lame silver lining. Okay, I’m late, and since yesterday was a well thought out and highly philosophical discussion regarding modern culture vis a vis our obsession with the anus, I feel like today is a good day for a little old fashioned advice. You hangin in there, Dogs Of War? Good. Oh, and regarding that tshirt design that I got sent, I’d really like a couple of those if someone makes ‘em. I mean, I can think of nothing funnier than wearing a shirt with my own picture promoting (essentially) my own brain. Mmm Hmmm. Take that, Toni Braxton. Who’s a diva now? Rawwr. Oh, and I tried to go to your dumb message board the other day (the sock drawer 2, or the other sock drawer, or the dirty sock pile…I don’t know what you guys are going by over there. It’s kind of like sneaking over and spying on the Others, right? [not that I watch that show, by the way. Nothing starring anyone who was EVER on Party of Five will be blessed by my viewership]) and I noticed that you’ve gotta be signed in? What the fuck is that? Some velvet rope you guys have over there. I guess y’all will never get to see the great picture of my nutsack that I was gonna post. Sigh…
Okay, on to my man Robert, who seems to have a real pickle:

Q:
I’ve been seeing this chick for a few weeks and she's rad as hell. unfortunately her ex-boyfriend is a psychopath drug dealer who threatened to very seriously kick my ass (he beat the crap out of her for 2 years, so she's terrified of him). so, in the interest of my safety, she severed all ties. told me to stop calling her. she even says "i like you but i don't want you to end up blaming and hating me." i've told her thats nonsense, i'm old enough i should be allowed to make the decision based on if the possible consequenses outweigh the benefits. she says no.
now i'm not a violent person, but i have a big urge to take a baseball bat and go find him. not that it would help the situation... and i'm tryin' real hard to be logical...

A:
Okay, well, first off there’s not too many situations where beating the shit out of someone with a baseball bat is the move that I’d recommend, and this, believe it or not is no exception. If you beat this dude up with a baseball bat, it’s not like you pass the level and you go on to a new world. He’s not vanquished forever (unless you seriously fuck him up, in which case you’re gonna be in jail flossing your ass with dongs, and I’d be a TERRIBLE advice columnist if I suggested anything that could possibly come out that way), and chances are that he’s gonna fucking come after you in a pretty serious way. I mean, if he’s the kind of mongaloid that would beat up a girl, then he’s the kind of mongaloid that will seek revenge on you all while upping the ante. That’s IF all this is exactly how it’s presented here.
Here’s the deal- It all sounds a little goofy to me. I mean, she likes you but she severed all ties because of her ex? How does he know what she’s doing all the time? She can’t talk on the phone to you? Why is she so trapped? Do they have a kid together? Live in the same house? This is EXTREME behavior, especially since you don’t seem to be afraid of this dude at all. I understand that she’s the victim of some beatings, and you, as of yet have not received any beatings, so yeah…Still, something seems fucked up about this to me.
There are a few possible situations here. 1. She’s making shit up for the sheer drama of everything. 2. She’s trying to dance around the fact that she doesn’t like you that much, and has chosen a seemingly impenetrable forcefield in the form of psycho drug dealing ex boyfriend. 3. She’s fucking CRAZY. 4. She’s so fucking wrapped up in this former relationship that she still sees him as completely controlling her life, and she CAN’T ignore him, because he is still very much part of her thoughts. Not just negatively either. What I’m saying is, when people date and break up, it can sometimes take a very long time for people to completely separate. This is why people mope around and decide they’ll never love again the way they loved before and all that. It also goes this way. She’s convinced that this controlling asshole is STILL in complete control of her, even if it’s not true.
Look, none of this is even really an issue. It doesn’t matter which of these options is true (although, I’d be shocked if EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM wasn’t at least a little true). This chick, right now, BAD NEWS. Even if you get the boyfriend put in jail, or get him to move to Antananarivo, or set him up with your sister and totally win him over; EVEN IF YOU COMPLETELTY SORT SHIT OUT WITH HIM SOMEHOW (not likely, by the way) the chick is obviously too damaged to be as into you as you want her to be. Stay away. Eventually, she’ll be ready to date people and if you play this right, it could very well be you. If you force yourself into this situation that she has OVERTLY told you to stay out of, well, you’ve got about as much of a chance of fucking Oprah as ever fucking this girl.
Blam! Advice administered.
Talk amongst yourselves.
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