Thursday, July 9, 2009

Can I get an "Aw Shucks!"?

I can’t stand false bumpkinism. You know what I’m talking about right? These dudes, often dudes in bands who’ve cultivated this “down home, laid back, fish n’ drink and dream and whittle’ kind of attitude, except it’s fake. Oh, yes it is, little girl. That’s just what he WANTS you to think. It’s ALWAYS fake when it’s a dude in a band at least, and I’ll prove it to you.
When I was uh…I dunno, sixteen or seventeen I saw greenday play second of four opening for Bad Religion. The show was at the Riviera, which is about 2500 capacity. At the time, they’d played only one other show in Chicago, and that was at McGreggors, which was this dumpy little bar in the suburbs that held maybe 200. the bands at McGreggors played on the floor, and I believe there was a banister between the bands and the crowd. It was a typical shithole that people now look fondly back on because they (for example) were able to catch Green Day there before all hell broke loose.
Anyway, this night at the Riv, Billy Joe walked out, looked around the huge room and said “Man, this is a lot different than McGreggors, huh?” then proceeded to play one of the best sets I’ve ever seen any band play. And that first line stuck with me. How crazy must it have been for him to walk out there and just see all those people when his experience before that had just been Mcgreggors?!!? Mind blowing.
What I didn’t realize then was that BJ had already been in the show room at the Riviera for soundcheck, and hung out there all day, he’d been on the Bad Religion tour all the way out from California and he was in no way surprised by the size of the venue or the amount of people there. In fact, quite the opposite, he was totally expecting it, and he played a show that betrayed that he was completely comfortable up there. He was doing something else entirely. He was name dropping McGreggors to the crowd, which is what you do if you’re a good showman and you’ve been around. You gently remind everyone that you were there too…It brings a feeling of camaraderie to the whole affair. That’s okay. I dig that. It’s JUST misleading enough without being phony. What I don’t dig is this kind of shit:
“Wow. This is a big place. We’re just some country boys from XXXXX, and we appreciate y’all makin us feel at home” (or whatever aw shucksy ‘man, this is a big ol’ city y’all got here’ type bullshit they’re pulling).
Dude, no. You’re traveling on a tourbus. You’ve been to Japan, you’ve been to Europe so many times you’re sick of it. You and your crew are among the most well traveled and cosmopolitan people in the world. You don’t get to pretend that the cities and the fast pace and all that shit blow your mind and get you down. They don’t. Fuck, man. You’re an ARTIST who travels CITY TO CITY all over the WHOLE WORLD making money. Don’t bullshit me, man. It’s a fucking gimmick and that’s all it is. At it’s best, it’s akin to that episode of different strokes where Willis and Arnold decide to start acting African (playing drums, fake accents, wearing colorful wraps) because even though it’s not who they are, it’s where they came from. At its worst, it’s no different than white kids acting black, completely co-opting something that was never part of their experience except as a transplant or observer because they think it’s cooler than who they really are.
But, let’s not get too complicated or specific. I’m talking about the complete bullshit show that goes into aw shucksin’ your way through a concert. You know what it’s like? It’s like George W Bush. That guy is a Yale grad, born in Massachusetts, son of a fucking PRESIDENT who somehow convinced everyone that he was a Washington outsider and just a down home good old boy. No you’re not, dude. You’re exploiting the very people you pretend to be in hopes that their simple charm will not only endear you to them, but also rub off on you and make you seem appealing. Well, here’s the thing, it works, but it sucks. It’s phony, it’s shitty and it’s driving me nuts. The emperor is wearing no clothes, man. Fuuuuuuck.
Okay, and on to the question about swinging. Someone in the drawer asked about swinging. She wants to try, he doesn’t (interesting twist).
Q
I want to [swing], but my husband thinks it's becuase I'm unsatisfied with him in bed, or that I want a "legit" way to cheat. It's neither. Does that make me incredibly fucked up? And what guy doesn't want a free card to fuck another girl? Oh yeah, and the fact that I wouldn't be jealous, means I, "Don't care". Which is also untrue (I've started fights with girls looking at him the wrong way.) __Shouldn't it be ok as long as its mutual, no lying, non-emotional, and you really love each other? I think it's sweet that he's so committed and I feel bad that he thinks I'm not for suggesting it. I've never stayed with a guy more 3 months before him, and he and I have been married for a year and a half now. __And uh.. this isn't one of those "if she wants to do it, she's going to do it" scenarios. If he doesn't agree, it's off the table... he's not quite convinced I'm sharable.

A
Okay, to answer your questions in no particular order, yes, it should be okay as long as it’s mutual, no lying blah blah blah, but it sounds, very plainly, like it’s not mutual. What guy doesn’t want a free card to fuck another girl? Your guy apparently. There’s no way to argue this point. Fucking is a goddamn instinct and that kind of shit is wired into you. You’re going to use logic to get him to fuck someone so you can too? That’s like bringing a drill to a fishing trip.
Also, there’s a big difference between wanting to fuck someone and wanting someone else to fuck your spouse. I’d love to fuck a few people out there, but even more than that, I like my old lady fucking only me. That’s my style, I guess. I’d rather not fuck other people and deny myself that just because…nah. I dunno. It’s not really that simple, is it? Sex and love are funny things and the big deal is that they allow people to be vulnerable in front of each other. You and your dude know each other well, you know how to turn each other on, piss each other off, and I bet you could crush his soul (and vice versa) better than anyone else on the planet if you wanted to. That’s the thing with swinging. It’s serious business. Watching someone fuck your spouse…I wouldn’t want to do it. I can say that with assurance. I mean, if I was married to someone who said “hey, I’ll NEVER fuck anyone, but I want to watch you fuck other people” (and this attitude DOES exist) I’d maybe be able to give it a try. But I’m not married to that person, and it sounds like you’re not either. I dunno, man. Swinging’s cool. Seems like a real great time, but as much as I wish it wasn’t the case, I don’t think it’s really for me, and sounds like it’s not really for your dude, either. Convincing him that it is his thing is really nothing short of coercion with your relationship as the stakes. You could probably convince him (because, like you said, he’s a dude) but it WILL end your relationship. Again, drills on a fishing trip, man. Someday, he may decide that’s the kind of spice he wants. Til then, if the last line of your query is true, shit looks like it’s ‘off the table’.
That being said, I’m perfectly willing to be convinced regarding swinging, so everyone, send in your nude shots (couples only [mw or ww] and we’ll see if we can’t work something out. Gotta go to work.
Bye.

32 comments:

Candice said...

blake- brendan's out, i'm out. marriage is off. unless you have an amazing dick and can convince him with photos. in that case, send them to me too.

steveisjewish said...

Fantastic Tag

Random User said...

I thought of this when I went to the sink for some hot water, and to no avail, I was met with the tepid offerings from the tap.

Jayzilla said...

book my flight the 10th anniversary show in october--

suggest a contest and winner gets me sleeping on their floor!

Capt Murdock said...

I think this post is about a month too early because Lucero isn't in Chicago until 8/15.

Blake said...

GODDAMNIT. I don't even have a camera phone, let alone a camera. I might have to borrow one. I'm just playing the odds of how my dick looks.

John F. said...

The label on this entry made my day.

Tim & Rac said...

I guess there's just something sacred about banging the same person for the rest of your life, right? I mean, that's intimacy.

...And when all else fails, there's role playing. And when that fails, I'll fall back on my awesome imagination. Crap.

Is anyone else in here married?

Shaun said...

Not to textually fellate your ego, but the label on this post is nothing short of brilliant.

steveisjewish said...

Married

kylewagoner said...

I wish someone else would have said this first, but I guess I'll have to look like the asshole. "Billie Joe" because the story goes that his mom was too drugged up to spell his name right when he was born. I don't think I could swing.

love,
Kyle

Candice said...

Enough about morals and the ten commandments. More about blumpkins!

revellers said...

"that's not special, i mean some fucking bullshit lie about how he 'cares about us' you know what? he doesn't give a fuck about any of you, or you or you or your mommy or your granny or your street, he doesnt give a fuck. that fucking bullshit lie about how he's just like us he's just a down home boy, just a good old boy from midland texas, im a straight shooter man, im a washington outsider" (and on and on)

stolen!






disgusted.

Tim & Rac said...

I heard that Green Day was boo'ed off of the stage in their home town after they started playing on MTV and shit. Is that true? And if it is, then I guess not all people are sheep...

Tim & Rac said...

Crap, that's not to slight anyone for making money for what they do. That sounded bad. I'm just saying that it sounds like people caught on to this whole charade of aw shucks that Brendans referring to. I dont even know if it's true.

theLostPA said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
theLostPA said...

Ugh, I have to retype this due to an error, but it applies so here goes.

On the topic of swinging. Just last week I broke up with my girlfriend over something very similar. About 4 weeks ago she casually suggested we have an "open relationship" and although I wasn't really into it I was in the post sex "I'll say yes to anything if it'll make you quiet" mode and I said yes.

It seemed innocent enough at first. Like the advice seeker had said: what guy wouldn't want an open pass to fuck other girls? Well, there's the rub. Like Brendan said, yeah it would be cool to fuck other girls, but as the days and weeks went by, the thought of her being out there fucking other guys or at least trying to fuck other guys (and let's be honest, she didn't bring this up for the hell of it, there was another guy out there she wanted to fuck but she felt she needed permission) began to drive me nuts and when we finally hung out for the first time in awhile last week everything was different.

She had changed man, and not for the better. Her attitude was different in all ways and the, I guess you could say spark between us was gone. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't look at / think of her the same and in the end I had to end the relationship completely.

So, I would say that swinging works for some people but not everyone. Both people have to be 100% into it otherwise you're gonna get a result similar to mine. The crazy thing about mine; we were only together four months, I can't imagine the effect something like this could have on a marriage.

If the person who posted the question reads this: seriously, forget you ever had the idea and move on. If you can't get it out of your head than maybe you shouldn't be married.

Tim & Rac said...

whoa, easy. I think it's harmless, which apparently makes me a huge minority here. Do I have someone in particular I want to do it with? no. It's something I've seen work successfully (at least for 2+ years). My husband doesn't quite dig it, so it's not really an option. If he does later then here's hoping I'm still game.

But uh, it's not something I can't "get out of my head". I'm open, is really all. Sorry that shit sucked for you dude.

theLostPA said...

No worries. I wasn't trying to be preachy, sorry if it came off that way. Just thought my story is a good example of how that type of situation can fuck things up.

In the end it's your life.

Also, it just happened so I'm still pretty mad about it. A month from now I surely wont be as fired up.

timziegler said...

Is Brian Fallon going to have his matching tattoo removed now?

Scott said...

american rubicon is pretty damn fantastic. I did not even think it was available until i read mention of it here...thank you sir.

I agree completely man, when a girl brings it up, it sounds kind of suspicious. I am pretty sure all of us guys are expected to be pervy. Girls like candice are not everywhere or common at all. At least in the regards of talking openly about it.

Another genius post

FAskies said...

so far I have seen two bands who have never been to Canada before during their first concert here. (it was The Gaslight Anthem and Crooked X)

See Gaslight was just like: "wow I have never been to Canada before.." and continued playing

Crooked X (which is a retarded opener for USS) was like: "Wow so it doesn't snow here all the time etc etc etc."

btw this is in Toronto

PIXI said...

I'm happily divorced.

Justin said...

David Cross did it better.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8yIXXnz9xy0 at 7:00

word verification=bacen

Robb said...

This 'aww shucks' stuff makes me picture Puddle of Mudd and Kid Rock. The 'fishin n' whittlin' imagery, I guess. "Aww shuuUucks, for so long ih wuz juss me n' mah duffle bag, n dis here picadilly geetar, and then whoopty-dee-wam~! Hot-diggity, juss lookit me now! I get ta' gallop 'round up on dis here king-size stage all royal-liiike! Livin' in the lap o' luxuriosities! Surely gawd above has aimed his golden pisser directly atop mah humble head! Hick-yuUrk! Always said, I said, Momma, I'ma make ya so goddamn proud...an' I know she lookin' down at me, n' she smiiiiiiii... (has stroke)

nancy said...

Happily divorced...with child...and boyfriend.

Bridgett said...

I was a married couple's third once. That was their thing. They find girls to come over, the husband gets to fuck the girl and the wife gets to play with her titties. They did that happily for years. Then it wasn't good enough, so they brought another married couple into it. 2 months later, each couple divorced and are dating each other's spouses, and will not talk to their former spouse. Furious custody battle over the dog of one couple and the child of the other. It just can't end well.

Bridgett said...

PS: Jayzilla

If I had a floor for you to sleep on, I would gladly offer.

Tim & Rac said...

I've spent too much time on here today, but it's kinda cool to see where a guy stands on this stuff. He's not gonna tell me that it's insulting or shady, so it's interesting to know what's probably going on in his mind when I come out of the blue with this crazy shit. Thanks to all. :)

Gabriel said...

I think borrowing from David Cross was perfectly acceptable in this case. Or any case really, D. Cross is awesome.

Either way, I am married and could totally relate to Beex. I'm definitley not a sharing person when it comes to the ol' lady.

Cannot wait for the new 7"!!!
From larry arms I mean.
Music, I'm talking about music.

Matt Ramone said...

I wish I saw this yesterday. I'm in a poly relationship and it's fantastic.

CrgFlxbl said...

In my mind I keep calling the new EP "Summer of Pizza."