Tuesday, July 28, 2009

who does number two work for?

Life is shit. For me at least, this is terribly and sadly true. Every day, first thing in the morning, I wake up, go into my kid’s room, where I’m greeted with the scent of freshly crapped pants and a smiling little man standing in the corner of his crib. Then, I go clean up dogshit. By this time, I have to dump, so I do that, and then I make coffee and eat bran cereal. That’s the whole morning. It’s almost completely devoted to shit. I don’t even need to get into the metaphorical way that life is shit, I’ve got a lifetime of literally shitty mornings to look forward to.
On tour, life becomes extremely routine. I guess it’s pretty routine when I’m not on tour, but I guess the thing that’s different is that it’s a completely compromised routine. You, your bandmates and crew all eat at the same time, sleep at the same time, ride around in a little box all day, deal with all the same people, go drinking at the same bars, etc. There’s a lot of down time, and not really a lot to talk about because, well everyone is doing the exact same thing you’re doing. Not a lot of new material coming out. There’s no “I ate at a really good place last night” sort of small talk, because everyone already knows that place. They ate there too. With you. Had the same meal. They know it was good. The end result is that bands on tour end up talking a LOT about shitting. It’s the only thing that’s left that’s a unique experience that’s not beating off.
Shitting on tour is very difficult. It’s almost like getting Yhatzee to be lucky enough to have to take a dump at a place where you actually CAN take a dump. Your standards plummet pretty quick. There was a time when I’d only crap at home. Now, I draw the line at outside onto the ground, although I’m really not a fan of portapotties. Anyway, not the point. The point is you WILL be at that Love’s truckstop in Wyoming sitting there on a filthy toilet dumping between two gigantic grunting sweating truckers. And your mind will suddenly remove all the stall walls and you’ll kind of float out above your body and look down and see you, just mere inches from these hulking, laboring men and you will say “wow…this is living the dream, huh?” And there will be sounds. There will be horrendous sounds coming out of these giants. You will want to laugh and cry, but you will just sit there and stew in the whole thing. It’s a real scene.
Club toilets are almost always gross, but you’ll use em, and you’ll talk about them and you’ll maybe take up writing graffiti, because all you do is sit and read all this crap and at some point you think “hey, if I’d been writing my name in all these stalls, I’d be pretty famous, graffiti wise.” I don’t know, maybe you won’t.
The diet is pretty much just junk, beer and very little sleep. Touring often starts with about two or three days of no one dumping at all, (just kind of what happens for some reason) but then it starts getting interesting. Sometimes, everyone has to shit at once. Sometimes there’s just no stopping it. A buddy of mine pulled his van off to the side of the highway and dove into the woods to crap during an all night drive. We talked about that for weeks.
This is not just for small bands either. The universality the quest for and inevitable lack of shittable bathrooms reaches from Coldplay to the Menzingers. You can’t shit on a tourbus. The toilets are made for liquid only. Shitting on a bus is a great way to get the driver to hate you. Drivers also don’t just pull over willy-nilly. They’re like truckers. They go and go so they can get to where you’re all going so they can go to sleep, score some meth and get a hooker. They don’t have time to be pulling over everytime the drum tech has to crap. End result? There’s Chris Martin in the stall at the Truckstop, middle door, between the two greasy large mustached men. Dumping. It’s the great leveler, really.

Okay, look. I’m not trying to sit here and reminisce about poop. I don’t even really like the subject at all. It’s gross. Also, I know from experience that once someone starts talking about poo, everyone who thinks they’ve got a good tale pipes up and it gets gross so fast. I don’t want to hear about it. There’s etiquette to talking shit. You don’t talk about the actual shit itself. I don’t want to hear about size or corn or spray (well, actually spray is okay. For example, if you just shit a whole bowl of drool…that’s not something you should have to keep bottled up…but see, it’s really gross, so keep it to a minimum). I NEVER EVER EVER want to see pictures of shit. AND, and this is very important, I never want to hear women talk about shitting. I know! I know! It’s sexist or something, but look, man. They took santa claus from me, they took the tooth fairy and jesus from me. They took gay marriage. Don’t take away my idealized world in which women don’t shit. Please. PLEASE. I’m not alone on this either. There’s not a man out there that wants to hear about women shitting. Well, no man that shouldn’t be under some sort of surveillance, at least.
My friend Sean’s ex wife once pushed her plate of eggs away and said “Sean. Let’s go home! I’ve gotta crap!” and I didn’t eat eggs for a year as a result. They also ended up divorced. Coincidence? No, man. No way. She shattered the mirror. There’s no coming back from something like that. God. This is all so disturbing. I think I’m gonna go lay in the fetal position in the shower.
Enjoy your day!

34 comments:

AndBurnTheRest said...

Has anyone ever been on a public bathroom and had a couple foot taps thrown your way from next door Larry Craig style? I still don't believe that actually happens due to the fact that eventually someone is gonna kick your ass for trying.

AndBurnTheRest said...

post script - how was the JV squad in Indiana yesterday?

Matt Ramone said...

Screamo on American Idol:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o046X6ZN2rk

Troy said...

Last year's Fest I had to shit in 1986's (Is that the right number?) bathroom. The funny thing about this bathroom is that the door doesn't close all the way, and its a one-man room. So a guy walked in on me, and neither of us were really that phased. Kinda funny.

Also I drove a coworker home a couple weeks ago, and couldn't even hold it until I dropped him off and stopped at walmart or something. I told him directly "Yo, I gotta take a huge fuckin' shit," stopped the car, and ran behind some trees. Good times.

timziegler said...

L&L. I pulled into town after a cross-country roadtrip. I got to my brother's place and he said let's go out. That door doesn't close either and the distance from the stall and the door are too far away to hold the door closed. Plus it's disgusting. I'm sure BK can atest to all of this.

Seagull Steve said...

Yeah.....how did the Great Indiana Mid-Afternoon Stripper Odyssey go?

For the record, having mudbutt in the great outdoors without any decent leaves to wipe with is a truly crappy experience that Ive gone through too many times. Pun intended.

John Wilmes said...

what comes out of girls butts instead of shit: http://blog.brooklynpubliclibrary.org/image.axd?picture=peeps-798084.jpg

Vincent said...

Here's a great out door poop story.

I had a great Minnesota Vikings shirt that said VWO on it (Viking World Order) and it looked like something you'd buy at a WWE event, but I probably got it a garage sale. Never the less I loved it. And we would go swimming at this place called Seaman's Reservoir, and on the way back I couldn't hold it any longer and had to use the VWO shirt to wipe. GOD DAMN TRAGEDY!!

Two days later my buddy called me and told me he found a sweet VWO shirt at Seaman's Resevoir.

Buddy said...

so your ol' lady doesn't shit with the door open with you around?

Scott said...

all i have to say is that i am 100% convinced there are people at my office that save it up to do at work. I have honestly had to cut my dump short due to the destruction of the stall next to me. And its always the same dude...

bert said...

Us admin's over in the sock drawer #2 got some verbal abuse by a ball gargler who will remain nameless about not publicizing our move over to the new fancier drawer. which i did. on the first day. when bk mentioned we had "outgrown" our old one. so here goes:

come one, come all to the new sock drawer (this would actually make it The Sock Drawer #3). especially the ladies. this is where it emanated from in the first place. the lack of the female presence. although we have girls at the board. so obviously someone was asleep during class.

http://thesockdrawer.lefora.com/

happy you little ingrates?

wilddanimal said...

I swear, dude, I read this entry and realized that I too had to shit. Your writings fill me with the urge to defecate, Mr. Kelly. Salutations.

Oh, and what Bert said. Come to the Sock Drawer, we need moar slutz.

http://thesockdrawer.lefora.com

Banana@1000MPH said...

I don't like public bathrooms because I only use them if I really have to go and if I really have to go, I have a feeling my shitting might be a little loud (like with farts and stuff). There is no guarantee this is the case, but it is something there is a good chance of and I don't really want to be sitting in a stall making lots of noise with some other people in there.

Justin said...

"come to the sock drawer; we need moar slutz"

Really? That's your line?

bert said...

that's pretty much the only thing he says. come to the sock drawer and find out...

http://thesockdrawer.lefora.com/

Capt Murdock said...

I used to work as a server at a chain restaurant and for fun we used to go back to the kitchen and fart on this one gross Mexican dishwasher. Anyway this one really busy night we decided to see who could fart on this dude the most and I wanted to start it off with a bang so I geared up for a real vicious one and as soon as I opened the gates there was a total jail break. I clenched up immediately and ran to the bathroom. Once in the bathroom I actually shook a firm piece out of my pant leg and then moved into the stall to finish the job.

Once I got into the stall I dropped my pants and went to work. Right at that moment the gross Mexican dude and the other three (not-so-gross) Mexican dishwashers burst into the bathroom, crawled under the stall door and started beating me with metal cooking spoons. It was pretty embarrassing.

Robb said...

1) At a bar a couple years back, I was talking with this older lawyer dude (90% classy, but with this aura of sleaze you couldn't pinpoint). Anyhow, the place has several mini beer stations manned by very "hot" chicks. We were right by one, and he suddenly leaned in and whispered to me, "She doesn't shit...she candies". Unforgettable, sir.

2) I still think "Shittles...Taste the asshole" remains one of Tshirt Hell's finest creations.

3) "Awww, sheeeeeeeEeeeeit...." (any fans of The Wire?)

bert said...

MURDOCK!!! what happened man? come home.

Timothy said...

@Scott I always shit at work. First of all, you get payed to shit, nothing beats that. Second, you really save a lot of toilet paper when you are using the stuff provided at work instead of what you have to buy yourself.

Capt Murdock said...

Bert you are dead to me.

bert said...

c'mon, baby. we can talk this out. the drawer misses you.

PIXI said...

Murdock, that story was hilarious! and we really do miss you

Jayzilla said...

MURDOCK?!??!

youre alive??

i thought you died in some terrible avalanche of meth hobos ...

Candice said...

the fetal position is my favorite sex position because it reminds me of when i exploded through my mom's vagina

Owner Operator said...

tim! same here. it's awesome. i try and squeeze two or three in (or should that be out) a day! free toilet paper while being payed to shit! boom!

Blake said...

I bought some 3-ply for the first time ever yesterday, and I have to say it doesn't feel any different. Maybe I wipe too hard.

J said...

Wow, if ever you wanted vindication Brendan, you got it. Mention shit, and everyone puts in their story! This could go on for hours, and make for a helluva mostly-inappropriate part conversation. Man.

My buddy and I got kicked out of a dive bar in Denver one time after he whipped it out, and he took a big fuckin' grumpy on the doorstep. Right under the neon Bud sign. Fastest shit ever. There, I put in my 2 cents.

Sickie27 said...

Actually, Murdock and I have been having secret meetings.

So. I post in the newest Sock Drawer. And apparently I'm not hot or slutty enough for these bitches.

Ungrateful.

Shannon said...

I went to Columbus to see the riverboat gamblers and once we got downtown it was clear there was no waiting until we got inside to use the bathroom so I basically took a doo doo in a kroger bag in the backseat of my car whileparked in public parking while my friend waited for me outside. She told me that the band fucking walked by the car while I was doo dooing. Great story haha

but that really didn't happen because girls don't poop.

Toto said...

everytime i fall in love with a girl that i shouldn't fall in love with ,i imagine her taking a dump,and i mean a big ,gross, almost liquid shit, and the love goes away.
that's almost a recipe for fidelity.

Dan said...

i shit way too much to even talk about it. my life revolves around shitting. fucking lame.

Drunken Acorn said...

The door wouldn't close all the way, sheeeeeeeEeeeeit. try taking a shit with no door at a crane yard with dudes eating lunch 15ft away. I can still hear their laughter. (the wire fucking rocks)

Capt Murdock said...

Sickie I find it hard t believe that those meetings are considered secret when we let everyone watch.

nancy said...

Dan...you've intrigued me. My life use to revolve that same way, but now I just don't drink coffee. I once took a dump on the front lawn of Ortho Pharmaceuticals... but like Shannon says, it's a lie cause I really dont dump.