Friday, July 17, 2009

I'm trying to get through this day like hair through a comb

Just poured myself a cup of coffee and sat down, only to realize I’d already poured myself a cup of coffee. Now I look like a complete freakshow, surrounded by coffees, typing this dumb thing, shirtless wearing nothing but a balloon stretched and twisted around my balls and weiner. The window is open. Hey neighbor.
Last night I broke with form and popped out for a quick drink and went to this Romanian bar in my neighborhood. Well, it used to be Romanian, back when I used to go there a little, way back before I had a kid, way, way back when I still just did what I wanted to do whenever I wanted to do it. I often wanted to go to the Romanian bar and drink Ursus, the Romanian beer and talk to the old Assyrian men and the young Romanian guys and ogle the beautiful, young Romanian bartenders and play the crazy jukebox and look around at the black, windowless sparkly walls and wonder what the fuck really went on in this place?
It was always super friendly, and they loved that I drank the Romanian beer. I used to bring friends there, or my wife and I would go, and it was just this really fun place full of bizarre eastern euros that most likely had something to do with human trafficking and prostitution rings, just based on the quick turnover of the beautiful, young, fresh-off-the-plane waitresses, but fuck it. No one’s perfect, right. I mean, even nick jonas picks his nose.
Anyway, we stopped going there for a while when the summer ended and the next time I went back, the bartender was from Tennessee, not Romania, she was NOT hot, she had dumb rock and roll tattoos (like a cat with a pompadour playing a bass and some flaming dice and dumb shit like that) and she was just an overall DORKUS. I asked for an Ursus and she brayed and whinnied and laughed and said “I don’t know what that is.” And I said (trying not to be pissed that this dumb Real-Worldian was interfering in my little eastern euro fantasy) ‘uh, it’s the Romanian beer that all the dudes in here drink (subtext: it’s what I order in here that makes everyone look up and smile and eventually talk to me to find out if I’m a new Romanian in town or just what my deal is generally. It’s my icebreaker, you dumb hillbilly) and she said “oh, I think I drank all them last night.” Well, needless to say, I didn’t go back for a while.
We tried to go back on new years eve, when my wife was pregnant, just to ring in the new year, and it was nuts-to-butts packed out the door and it was a fifty dollar cover and some DJ was making everyone in there go absolutely buck wild, so we went around the corner instead.
I didn’t go back for a year but a few months ago after a band practice when we were warming up to record this record, I stopped in for a drink. It was all different. They had moved shit around, they’d gotten rid of the crystal meth induced paintjob in the bathroom, and it was a lot more really old men and weirdos. People still talked to me, but it wasn’t the same. It was a little more suspicious and guarded. The bartenders were still young, but not all Romanian, and they no longer carried Ursus. Everyone was smoking, which is illegal in Chicago, but they just don’t give two fucks in that place. Smoking hookahs, smoking cigarettes, whatever. The owner sat down with me and asked me how I had come to find myself there, and I told him I live around the corner and I used to come here and drink ursus and blah blah blah and he smiled and looked around and said with a smile (almost verbatim) “Well, good, have fun, it’s not like we’re doing anything illegal.” Really? Totally awesome subterfuge, bro. Master criminal, that guy. Well, I paid for my drink and left, noticing that the once retardedly low prices had been replaced with retardedly high ones.
SO, yesterday I went there again, cuz my wife was (and remains) sick and in bed and she and my baby were both asleep. I went just to see what the place was like. I wasn’t expecting the glory days, but what I got was so fucking strange….
Okay, so I walked in and the first thing I noticed were the three Mexican girls dressed like hookers…(dressed like? Hmmm) writhing around on the pool table, showing their panties and posing suggestively while a fourth, non Mexican girl directed them and took pictures with a camera phone. She was also dressed like a hooker, by the way. There were about five old men in there, all smoking, including one big bald guy who was smoking the giant house hookah and there was a bartender, weary, older, not really attractive at all and not in any way happy to see me. I sat down and the old men glared and kind of tried to intimidate me to move down a seat. I stayed in my seat and ordered a cocktail and watched the photo shoot, which is what everyone was doing, because, well, they were a bunch of pervy old men, and the whole thing was too strange to not watch.
I noticed the drink prices had, once again increased. I noticed that I was actually way more comfortable watching the 2001 rerun of Chelsea v Arsenal than watching the photo shoot, and then I noticed that there were a couple of young dudes in the room too. A young eastern euro goon who looked like he probably sold blow to his Ukrainian construction team and this Mexican kid who was a latin king, and was thugged out to the nines. I swear he was wearing three hats. The Latin King was talking loudly to an old man and they were talking about ‘fucking people up’ and all the trouble that they both get into or used to get into and I was sitting there just drinking my drink thinking “wow, this place is now a pathetic hangout for wannabe gangsters and perverts and it’s dispensed with the cool vibe and the clandestine, high end, naive hooker ring and it’s just going for it, and it’s these kinds of losers who start fights with random dickheads like me because they’re nobodies and out to prove shit to their other nobody old man buddies.
So I left. I went across the street to the dive bar that always has alan Jackson and toby keith on the jukebox and sat next to a beautiful black/asian tranny for about ten minutes while I had a beer then came home. Quite a night. On my way home, the old bald guy with the hookah drove by in his convertible (heh…he should have a bumper sticker on his nuts that says ”my other penis is a car”) and yelled “motherfucker!” at me. Well, I think it was at me. Whatever. Fuck that place, man. I’m never going back. That’s for sure.
Enjoy your weekends. My theme song this weekend is “I’m Me” by lil wayne. I never got what all the hype was about til I heard this. It’s so creepy and amazing. If you’ve ever looked at the ubiquitous praise of Lil wayne and thought to yourself “really? this jagoff?” Check out the track “I’m Me”. It’s fucking sick.
Alright dildos, I’m gonna go try to get through this workday then it’s on to keeping on.
Peace.

27 comments:

PIXI said...

I had to do a doubletake when I read this. Did you just call yourself a dickhead? You sure did. But yeah, good story.

sheila said...

incredible story.

Jayzilla said...

on the topic of tattoos --

how many of yours were premeditated versus spur of the moment

if we cant get a detailed story, ill settle for a percentage in a label or something --

happy weekend!

Banana@1000MPH said...

I heard my brother say "exchange v-cards with the retards" the other day and then found out it is from a song with a guy from Degrassi and Lil Wayne...that kind of emphasized me not wanting to ever listen to Lil Wayne - although apparently the line is by Degrassi guy and apparently he usually doesn't sing about having sex with the handicapped. Also, the biggest Lil Wayne fan I've ever met also peed into a pitcher in astronomy class (it was mostly a chemistry oriented room) when he couldn't go to the bathroom - hilarious, sort of bad ass, but I mostly thought it was dumb of him.

david said...

My favorite entry ever.

Didi said...

it breaks my heart when good bars go bad.

Matt said...
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Matt said...

Actually, scratch that. It's full of auto-tune garbage.

Do yourself a favor and get 'Da Drought 3'. Yeah, it sounds lame but I still can't still stop listening to his crazy ass rap.

CrgFlxbl said...

I went to the liquor store yesterday and made a horrible discovery. They sell Ed Hardy Vodka, and it's 50 dollars a bottle. Apparently the bottles without the vodka are selling on ebay for 45 dollars.

I think it's because it has some stickers on it. Don't get me wrong, they're some cool stickers but I got over stickers when I was five.

FranklinStein said...

speaking of bars, which one do you work at? i'll be in chicago next week and would like for you to serve me a frosty michelob ultra. i'll tip you fat.

Lauren Lukacek said...

a milli is pretty awesome, too.

Jayzilla said...

the only thing i like more then friday posts are looooong friday posts -- thanks for a good one today!

Candice said...

i think brendan found us the official sock drawer meeting place for the anniversary show in october. thanks!

Toto said...

"dumb rock and roll tattoos (like a cat with a pompadour playing a bass and some flaming dice and dumb shit like that)"
you forgot the number 7 (on fire of course)a cadillac (jumping on fire)a skull (on fire)poker cards(on fire) and a hot chick (near flammes).
i pretty much described mike ness.

i've to get to chicago for the anniversary show, can you guys borrow me some money for a plane ticket buenos aires-chicago? it's like 900 dollars, thanks guys! (i already have the passport)
but hurry up, Alesana and Bring Me The Horizon are playing a show here next month and i would prefer being miles away from wherever they might play.( can you fucking believe that?!?! those shitty bands coming here and not the lawrence arms? what have i done to deserve this??!)
any south american plans BK? you better hurry up you bastard!

Sickie27 said...

Some day I hope to be the beautiful black/Asian tranny you're sitting next to in a bar. Minus the tranny.

Robb said...

Anyone else really, really wish track 10 on American Rubicon was a full-on song, instead of a mere tease? It's awesome because it kinda sounds like Clutch or something, yet doesn't suck.

Veri was 'ounalica'. You can almost twist anal licker from that, and that's a fact.

Robb said...

Also CrgFlxbl just made me cry. I was actually about to head to the liquor store and it's as though the will has been utterly sucked from me.

Drunken Acorn said...

ha lil wayne is funny

droopypunk said...

hehe you used Romanian and Ursus so many times it's creeping me out. Totally made my day/week/month...
Bummed for the sick part, i hope she will get well soon!

Some Young Guy said...

BRENDAN.

it's my twenty-first birthday and i'm about as drunk as i should be given it's 11:30 am.

give me a birthday shoutout, it would make aaaaallllllll my dreams come true. i've been a bsc reader since day 1 and a lawrence arms listener since day 1,343.

ANTHONY.

VoicesOffCamera said...
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VoicesOffCamera said...

Brenden,

The first time I saw your band was from outside a venue looking in back in 2002. It was the show with Alkaline Trio and Bouncing Souls in Vegas that was supposed to be all ages but the owner changed to 21+ at the last minute.

Not too long after that I went to see you guys with TBS, also in Vegas, but the show ended up not happening. There were about 20 of us in line that waited about an hour or so after it was supposed to start (I ended up next to some guy who kept trying to convince me that Elbow was the greatest band of all time).

Luckily I was able to see the Arms a few days later at the Saved the Day show (I had no idea you were playing until I got there and saw the merch. Best show surprise ever).

I always wonder, though, what happened to the Vegas Lawrence Arms show? Was it that there wasn't enough interest/tickets sold, or your addition to the STD tour later in the week? I do hope you guys play a headlining show in Vegas sometime.

Robb said...

BK (Via private e-mail to Franklinschtein): "Well here's the answer to your inquiry! I casually ignored the other 80 public requests for this info, but I sense something...special in you. Something that stirs me on a primal level. Maybe it's your hilArious ironic afro american rape avatar"

Candice said...

Robb-Thank you for reminding me why I masturbate to thoughts of brendan nightly

drew said...
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The Dude said...

Hey, Brendan. If you'll ever consider touring Romania with the Larry Arms, I promise to get you all the Ursus, Timisoreana, Ciuc and all the other crappy romanian beers you want. Just come to Bucharest. Don't forget to bring a bottle of PBR. Just as a side note, I can hook you up with a decent romanian promoter too.

Cheers,
Andrei

Lavinia Elizabeth said...

Brendan, come hang out with me and my Romanian mom. I'm pretty sure it will be a lot like that bar. Except, she drinks Heineken now. WEAK.