Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Happy birthday, Mister President...

My god, people. Can you believe it? It was ONE YEAR ago, today that I first threw my hat into cyberspace with a then unknown, then black and green little blog called Bad Sandwich Chronicles. The first entry, entitled Hello Blogsophere set out my mission statement of offering advice, mocking celebrities and complaining about my job, telling wang jokes and of course offering tips on child rearing.
Well, look how far it’s come. Go on, look around. Little did I know that here, just a mere single rotation of the sun around the earth later, that I’d be sitting on top of the whole internet, the sole proprietor of the single greatest source for content in all of the virtual world (except for that Ukranian website that has crack whores sucking off pigs right in their own slop…that’s awesome).
I don’t want to forget all the little people on a momentous day like today, but like I mentioned yesterday in my post entitled “The Darker the Berry, the Sweeter the Juuuuuuice!”, I broke my coffee pot over the weekend and as such, I have no coffee and, well, I think a lot of the little people are getting forgotten. Uh, thanks to my baby for being a never ending supply of content (‘content’ in this context is synonymous with ‘baby shit’, of which he is a neverending supplier) and thanks to uh…my neurotic Chihuahuas and well…who else? I don’t know, Dogs of War. Lots of things happen in a year. Shall we look back and see some highlights? Lets.
Okay, did you all just go back and read the previous 246 posts? Jesus. That’s what you were supposed to do. What do you want? Some sort of synthesis by me? You’re nuts, man. That’s not my job. This may be the internet, but I’m still playing to the highest level of intelligence, for fucks sake. And I’m lazy. And I haven’t had any coffee and it’s making my eyes cross a little bit. So, just go read em. Okay, we good? Good.
My baby is asleep, or I’d go to one of the ten thousand coffee shops within crapping distance of my front door, but hey, man, if the baby wasn’t asleep, I wouldn’t be writing this, and I wouldn’t be noticing how badly I want a cup of coffee. See how that shit works? It’s like a monkey puzzle. That’s when the jar’s opening is too small for the monkey to get his hand out if he’s holding a fistful of delicious monkey candy. It’s also a tree, I guess. And it’s my nickname for the maze that is my large intestine, but that’s another story. I got wild in college, man.
Anyway, happy birthday blog. You now have followers (the dogs of war) a place for your followers to congregate (the comments section, now known as the Sock Drawer) a name specifically for dogs of war who comment in the sock drawer (socks) and a whole other, completely separate sock drawer for the splinter cell of socks who didn’t feel that the sock drawer here offered enough features, and I think those crazy fuckers just made a whole NEW sock drawer because they were outgrowing their old one. That’s quite a lot of accoutrements for a little baby one year old blog. Good work, blog. Happy birthday. Have some cake.

Okay, it’s been a staple here at BSC over the past year for me to uh, tell it like it is, regarding how not to walk through life as a total sniveling dildo or as a complete mongaloid. I’ve done this through advice, through general ranting and I’ve done it through definitive lists. I haven’t done a definitive list in a while, but hey, in honor of the blog turning one, I thought I’d give it a go. Without further ado, here’s a definitive list of things that no self respecting man should ever wear:

Tapout shit: That’s right, rest of the world. I’m talking to you. What is this stuff and why is it so popular? I’m guessing it has to do with Mixed Martial Arts, right? Well that’s fine, but it looks like the logo of a motorcycle gang that meets up at Pizza Hut. This is the style of the times? Iron cross looking eagles and cheesy hawk shaped fonts and all this garbage just sprayed all over this shit willy nilly? The shit is beat, yo. AND it’s all just about flags and people grappling around in a mess of blood and sweat. Sounds like the gay parade, but it’s not. It’s Tapout, where idiots spend way too much money to wear shirts so gaudy that Phil Anselmo wouldn’t sell them to his fans.

Affliction and Ed Hardy: Here’s a little test. Look down. Does your shirt purport to be some sort of second skin by which you can have all the benefits of looking like you’re walking around with a bunch of cool tattoos without having to deal with tattoo parlors, pain or permanence? Then you’re a dork. You’re a dork, and while you might think that the eagle on your chest, or the olde English branding around your collarbones says ‘I’m tough,’ it really says “tiny penis.”

Rings- Are you still wearing a ring? What are you fifteen? Hasn’t a girl mocked your dumb rings yet? Look, a bracelet, MAYBE, if it’s not really supposed to be jewelry and you fancy yourself to be iconoclastic or something, but rings. Rings? You know who wears rings? The guys in Queensryche wear rings. Sleazy pornographers wear rings. If you’re not fat, old and in the mafia the ONLY acceptable ring is a wedding ring. Ah! Ah! Ah! That’s right. Anything else makes you look like the kind of guy who oils up his nipples before he masturbates.

Sandals-Your feet are disgusting. Your feet look stupid in sandals. “Oh, but they’re comfortable.” Yeah, so’s picking your nose, shitting your pants and jacking off when the mood strikes you. Doesn’t make it acceptable, bro. If your feet are too hot and you must wear some sort of open footed shoe, wear flipflops and a bathrobe and be a coke dealer and get it over with. (Actually, in this case you can probably get away with a ring or two as well).

Necklaces- What’s that? Hemp? Pukka shell? A JESUS CHAIN? Necklaces are the albatross of the painfully unaware or the overly sentimental pussy. Oh, is that locket? Well, that’s different, right? Hell, sure. You can wear a locket with your kid’s, or your mom’s picture in it if you want. Just know that it’s like a dog tag that says “Pussy-first class. Will call you everyday and cry after sex.” Get a wallet, you fucking sniveling choad.

Stocking style socks- What are you? Ben Franklin? Unacceptable. I don’t care how cool your bike is.

Jeans with crap all over the pockets or big stitching or any of that shit- Look, yeah, those guys on Queer Eye did us all a favor when they got us out of Wal Mart Rustlers, but have some fucking restraint, man. If your pants pockets look like the back cover of a Cher album, you’ve gone too far. Jeans like this are THE WORST fucking mistake you can make as a man trying to go out and impress people. At best, you look like you bathe in Axe body spray and come from the jersey shore. At worst, you DO bathe in axe body spray and come from the jersey shore. Shudduppayouface!

Okay, that was fun. Hope you’re ready for another fun filled year of Bad Sandwich Chronicles. Thanks to all my socks and dogs for reading and keeping me interested in doing this dumb thing.
Baby is awake. Time to go get some fucking coffee.
Seacrest out.

44 comments:

Candice said...

Congrats Brendan! You just keep getting better.

I'm more obsessed today than yesterday, but not as
much as tomorrow.

Dan said...

I think there's a time and a place for flip-flops. Summer-backyard for instance.

Louis said...

Best year ever.

Jayzilla said...

Thank you!!

this blog is the only reason i can tolerate showing up to work

Andrew said...

happy birthday from the sock drawer.
your list is surprisingly accurate (why wouldn't it be right? it's the bsc)
technically I would say world series or superbowl rings are acceptable if you were a member of the winning team at some point. The unathletic dildos who buy them online and wear them around like they're some sort of superstar are the real tragedy.

Nina said...

such a good post

ak said...

Once again....thank you for souring the internet for the funniest shit possible. The loltatz site is awesome. In reference to the cobra skulls song I think dead to me writes plenty of great songs in the same realm....no Einstein, but fucking genius....oh, and thanks for the menzingers.

Steve Jones said...

Agreed jayzilla. Reading BSC is how I spend my lunch break. On the Affliction,tapout,Ed hardy shit. It was spot on BK. I have a friend that wears that shit all the time and every time he does I die a little inside. That shit is rampant here in fort wayne, Indiana. I can't go to a bar without spotting a few douches in that garbage.

Buddy said...

Happy Anniversary (or bday)! I fuckn luv ur blog, man.. One of my favorite entries this past year was the one where you talk about getting a new airtight coffee holder to hold your coffee because you broke the old one, and all of the nutless bastards at bath, beds, and beyond holdin their ol ladies purses and giblets and such..hilarious.

speaking of which, can't you call that delivery service ran by the goodlookin t-painesque cocksucker with the crazy hair and admiral hat to get u sum cinnamon hazelnut coffee?

Oh...and the natty bohs!!! You were right, great fuckin beer!!!

John F. said...

Happy b'day to the blog. I don't know how I'd break up my work day without it.

Mike Destruction said...

keep the lists coming!

PIXI said...

Happy Birthday BSC! It looks like the BSC shirts are coming out just in time. I can't wait to wear your face everyday.

Scott said...

here's to more years!!!

on the ed hardy thing...did you know that Ed Hardy is actually involved in a lawsuit with the designer who made his art look like shit? Its the same guy who killed von dutch hotrod stuff.

I will say...i personally think that Sailor Jerry stuff should be acceptable.

Also, have you heard the new american steel album? getting the cobra Skulls, release of Against Me!s Original cowboy and now the american steel album all within a week or so pretty much made my summer...Lawrence arms metro show is gonna make my fall.

Speaking of which, my lame friend has already bailed on it, so i have an extra ticket if anyone wants it.

bert said...

happy b-day BSC!
and yes the sock drawer outgrew our old board! the new one comes complete with live chat and a music player. plus occasional nude images until photobucket deletes them. we gotta find a way to keep those pics up! we are working diligently, be sure of that. in any case here's the url:
http://thesockdrawer.lefora.com/forum/

that said, i think you can peruse this one, BK. i don't think membership is mandatory... only encouraged.

nd said...

Awesome first year, BSC. Congrats. I'd like to personally thank BK for the advice he sent my way in a post last August titled "Waas Happening". I'm "Pissed off in the Peg" who had two kids with the whore girlfriend and needed advice on what to do after she cheated on me. Quick update - we're broken up now, and all four of us seem much, much happier. I took BK's advice to heart - been treating the kids' mother with as much respect as I can muster when the kids are around, but vent like hell to the drinking buddies. Anyway, it was sound advice - thanks again and keep it up Brendan. You too, sock drawer.

Dave said...

Thanks for keeping me entertained for a year, BK. You have a good thing going here.

My personal favorite is the Ultraviolet Hippopottamus entry.

PS Guys look dumb wearing any kind of open toed shoe, unless they are at the beach.

Detroit said...

I just called my Roomate a Sniveling choad.
Please don't ever stop BSC

Candice said...

Scott- I want it. And by it I mean the ticket and your penis.

Banana@1000MPH said...

Wait, I haven't been on the old sock drawer in a week, am going to be gone for a couple days, and now I have to catch up on the old second sock drawer and then join a new one and read all of that shit?

christa! said...

Thanks BK!

You make my attempt at doing as little work as possible at my day job that much easier!

<3

Nicotine Junkie said...

A YEAR?! Shit man, that time passed QUICK! Feels like its time to break out the tweed, a walking stick and going for the comb over look!

dan638563 said...

It only took a year for some kids to turn your blog name into a bad you tube video....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OF33G_ScE9s

Robb said...

Alright...I've been suddenly overcome with intense sentiment--attributable both to a recent viewing of 'JCVD' starring Jean Claude-Van-Damme (you'll see) + a smidgen of mid-week pick-me-up blow. (Don't judge me). Anyhow...thanks for having the sheer wherewithal to maintain this blog for so long. You've undoubtedly brightened the daily grind of countless desk peons whom crave the musings of one who's grandly lived the life-less-inhibited. I mean...does Fat Mike, Fat Andriano or Fat Jason Shevchuk come through with this shit? ...Exactly. I won't quite say 'fuck em', but there's a palpable dividing line you've selflessly breached. I submit, for the approval of the midnight society, Brendan Kelly.

Robb said...

(Snick reference for the lulz)

Mikey said...

And thank you for entertaining me with this blog for a year. I hadn't realized it had been a whole year already. Time flies.

christa! said...

I must admit Robb, you are one of the most well spoken men of the Sock Drawer. Let's do lines and watch old episodes of Are You Afraid of the Dark together.

Eddie said...

happy birthday bsc. and i'm still wearing sandals.

matisfatt said...

in 20 years, this blog will be able to drink legally. yay. in other news, how do i get my grimey little mitts on one of these shirts?

Sean said...

hahahaha I hate those douchebags in the affliction/tapout shirts...

there's so many of them in Miami, FL... so... damn.... many.

have you seen this website?

http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/

it seems right up your ally...

speaking of ally... my word verification is "astoss"

i shit you not.... what the fuck is that? tee hee

Danny said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
steveisjewish said...

way to go on the one year - we appreciate you! and thanks for the diss on ed hardy - that fad is without a doubt the epitome of d bag fashion

Danny said...

Happy Birthday BSC! This blog definitely makes my work day so much better. Keep up the hard work. It is much appreciated.

M! said...

Congrats on one year, sir!

M!

Robb said...

It occurred to me those are pretty lousy examples I gave, since I probably wouldn't really be that interested in a blog by any of those three. Well mostly shevchuk, who kind of comes off as a preening self-important peacock. Ever read bk's blog, Jason? Guess you'll have to "beat me up" now. sigh~

Bridgett said...

Sean-- There is apparently a show on MTV in the same vein of that website, where there are "hot" girls dating douchebags. I generally don't watch MTV, but they do it in a very humorous, almost non-MTV kind of way. They refer to the guys as "bags" and there are many types of "bags". It's pretty entertaining, check it out.

Robb said...

I'm likin the hair, Christa. I'm likin other stuff too, but the hair is solid for sure.

Sickie27 said...

Shit. It feels like just yesterday I was trying to catch up on the 20+ posts I missed when I first started reading this.

I think we will outgrow our new Sock Drawer in time. The live chat will soon become overwhelmed with members, which is the best part of the site.

Annnd I make it a rule to not let a guy who wears sandals come anywhere close to my vaheena. Much less my face.

VoicesOffCamera said...

Can't believe it's already been a year. The lists are my favorite part of the blog, and this one had me laughing the most.

Looking forward to another year.

HeLLaDaNTe said...

A fine year it has been.. A fine year indeed..

Seriously though, I learn so much everyday.. Well, every day you post anything on here anyway. On other days I go out of my way not to learn anything.. out of spite, mostly. Towards what? No idea...

Thanks Beex! Keep 'em coming.

droopypunk said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Luke said...

Hey happy birthday BSC. Love your work Brendan.

Luke said...

Oops, I meant to write something about being late to the party.

Mark said...

Thanks for the wonderful blog! It's firmly ingrained itself into my daily routine.

Also, the potential school shooter with the giant head just stopped bothering us one day. Lunch was fun from then on.

Mary said...

Haha, I cringe every time I see a man wearing sandals.
That's a deal breaker!