Hey hey! Monday! Did you all get the blood stains out of your clown suits before work today? Good for you. I have a meeting to run to, so this shit’s gonna be fast. Last week in Wisconsin, I found three of the old, original, non bullshit sparks, and I’m drinking one right now because our coffee pot broke and I need some caffeine…and because it’s delicious, and because I’ve been saving it for a special day, and because I had a very productive weekend and this is, in the words of the lord, my day of rest. Except that I have this day full of meetings and shit to go to. Whatever. Stop judging me. I love sparks and this is like when the man and the boy found the bunker full of peaches and coffee and shit, okay? Yeah. The Road. Again. That’s right. Get some fucking culture, you troglodytes.
Okay, so there’s this guy…I don’t really know him, but he’s very memorable because he’s super cool looking. He’s got a gigantic mop of black hair and a huge black beard and he’s kind of vaguely brown and he wears hats that call to mind admirality. He could maybe be some sort of Maccabee or something he’s been in my bar a few times and he works the door at this place I go when I get off work every once in a while. One time, when he was in my bar we were small talking, and he mentioned that he ran this delivery service where he’d just bring you what you need and the charge was the price of the items and five bucks, no matter what. So I asked him, “so, theoretically, if I called you at 3 in the morning and said I want a forty of Colt 45, a twenty piece nuggets with hot mustard and an 8 ball, you’d round that shit up and get it to me for a five dollar service charge?” His answer: “yup.”
Wow. So pretty cool idea. Kind of almost uh…Bulgarian in its completely improvisational capitalist approach and affordability, but the problem is, this dude is kind of a dick. I see him around, and once I even asked if he still was doing the delivery service, and he kind of shined me, as though I’m not cool enough for his time. Hey asshole, you’re an entrepreneurial delivery driver. Don’t give me shit just because. Yes, you’re a handsome dude and you’re cooler than me. Fine. Let’s not forget, though, the watchword of customer service is courtesy. Fucking amateur.
This one time I was crawling off a tour bus in france. We were stopped at a mcdonalds and I woke up, brushed my teeth in the mens room and came out and ordered a royalle with cheese. The cashier was a total prick to me. He was superior and condescending. And I said “hey, asshole! This, right here, is a MCDONALDS COUNTER! The disdain only travels one way over the Mcdonalds counter, man. I don’t give a fuck if you’re French, and I’m still drunk. One way disdain, man.” Probably a little advanced for his grasp on English, but it got a chuckle out of the various drunkards standing behind me holding their toothbrushes, toilet paper and razors.
Uh…My hand is numb. That’s not good, right? Doctors? Nurses? People with pussies? I’m asking a serious question here. Left hand. Heart attack? Well, I had a good run.
That Lil Wayne song is killing me. It’s so brilliant. It’s humbling as an artist to see or hear something like that. Okay, The cobra Skulls, (a great band on Red Scare) just put out an awesome album called American Rubicon, and there’s this song on there, the unquestioned main jam, called back to the youth, and I KNOW, I KNOW that when Devin got that song down on tape he had a feeling of “nice, I’m the person who got to this song first” because it’s such an awesome melody and such timeless words, that it sounds like a song you’ve heard and loved for years, the first time you hear it, and the few times I’ve written songs like that, I’ve been stoked that I did it, because I’m well aware that if I hadn’t, someone else would write that song eventually. That’s Back to The Youth. A song that is destined to be written. Devin from the cobra Skulls got to do it, and he’s stoked.
That Lil Wayne song, though, no one would EVER have done that shit if Lil Wayne hadn’t come along. It’s like Relativity. You know why that paper by Einstein is considered to be so completely brilliant and his name is synonymous with genius? Because, it’s said in astronomic and mathematic and physical circles that it was SUCH a leap from what was going on, that if he hadn’t done it, it probably still would have never been discovered. Gravity, for example was gonna get discovered one way or another. Newton was smart, sure, but there’s zillions of smarties passing through the gates at any given moment. Newton was the dude that showed up that day, like Devin from the skulls, and got the credit for the universal truth (or totally sweet pop song). No dis to Devin or Newton. It takes brilliance to harness the ethereal zeitgeist of universality.
Relativity, however, is like “I’m Me” by Lil Wayne. TOTAL innovation that wouldn’t ever exist if not for the wacky genius of one guy. That’s humbling. I know that I do some funny and some rocking stuff, but I rarely get to the first point, where Devin and Newton reside, and as much as it pains me to say it, I don’t think I’ll EVER do something like Einstein or Lil Wayne….That’s the kind of shit you have to be crazy (and black or jewish) to do, man. Fer realz.
Okay, My meeting has been going on for forty minutes, so I’m gonna go put on my underwear and get on my bike and ride.