I guess I didn’t cover swinging well yesterday. Swinging is the art of being married, but boning people who aren’t your spouse. Usually, in fact, almost always, it’s the kind of thing that happens when you’re in the same general place, like, you go to a swinger party and people are just pumping all over the apartment, or you and your spouse and another couple go out for drinks and then you all end up banging in the same room later on. This can involve you just banging your spouse while the other couple’s banging right there (exciting!) or the full on trading of partners (oh my!) Swinging is a ‘lifestyle’ apparently, and one of my lovely dogs of war asked yesterday what I thought of swinging. Well, looking back over the advice I gave, it really seemed like I was in a hurry to get out the door and well, frankly, there were parts of it that I think didn’t make sense. So let’s start again.
Swinging. It’s awesome. In theory. I love the idea. Banging chicks, letting my wife be free to experiment sexually with whomever she wants…Hey, it kind of completely eliminates the element of infidelity from a relationship, right? I mean, I really, really, really see the allure. It’s the end of cheating, the end of mistrust. It fixes everything that usually plagues relationships.
Yeah. It does. Here’s the issue for me with swinging. I hate dudes. I don’t want some guy there banging my wife. That’s my stuff, man. It’s not like I don’t want her to get the enjoyment (though, really, how could she even enjoy anything? It would be so pedestrian compared to the five star boneathons that I provide her with) it’s that I don’t want some greasy dickhead looking over at me and thinking he got one over on me. AND, for fucks sake, I don’t want my wife looking at me boning someone that’s not her. I mean, call me crazy, but my wife is my ideal mate, and having her in the room pretty quickly highlights what’s wrong with whomever I’m banging, right? Or what’s wrong with my wife, I guess…but that’s a realization I never want to come to.
And that’s the thing. People don’t treat sex like they should, and I’m as guilty of this as anyone. Sex should and could be like eating. Both are instincts after all. It COULD be that you have a favorite person to bang, but you bang other people, but you always return to that comfort bang, right? Like, let’s say my favorite meal is salami sandwiches. I often eat other things, stuff that I love, and sometimes that stuff I love makes me feel satisfied in amazing ways, but that never EVER effects my love of salami sandwiches. That’s always my favorite, and it’s always gonna be. But, in terms of sex, that’s quite a leap to make. And I see how in a really great, really strong relationship, that would be an amazing gameplan as far as porking strangers goes. BUT!!!!!! People don’t treat sex that way. People are cowards. People think dumb shit like (just for example) “once you go black you never go back’ and completely ignore the way human preference actually works. People are creatures of habit and people who love something will ALWAYS return to it. For example, I’ve got a ton of friends. Hanging out with someone new, and getting along famously, and having a great night doesn’t threaten the status of my best friend. Not at all. But we think that’s how it works with sex. I don’t know why. I mean, honestly I think all sorts of group swinging type shit seems like it’s cool, but I don’t think I’m man enough to handle it. I couldn’t see my wife in that situation and just be happy that she was enjoying herself. I couldn’t see my wife looking at me and not wonder what the fuck she was thinking to be okay with all this. It’s a hangup, sure, but BUT BUT BUT that’s sort of irrelevant. Hang ups are what make us who we are. They’re the things we need to tread lightly around to cultivate any relationship. AND, that’s the other problem with swinging. In a friendship, if you have a best friend who doesn’t like horror movies, but you love ‘em, you just kind of accept that and understand that you’ll never be the squad that sits down and has a Romero marathon…BUT with sex, people’s hang ups become suddenly things that you need to get around, or change or try to convince them to rethink, as though that’s even possible. This chick yesterday, who wants to swing, trying to rationalize why her husband should be okay with it…that’s not the way it works. Try to convince me that I should enjoy eating eggplant. Go ahead. I’m listening….Okay. Okay. Okay. Nope. I still hate eggplant. Sorry. It’s the same thing with shit like swinging. You can’t convince someone one way or the other…it’s either something they’re down with or not.
And, to just kind of cap this whole thing off, I’d suggest that it’s the middle ground relationships that would suffer from ‘the swinging lifestyle’. People who are truly comfortable with each other can probably make that shit work out and have the best BEST BEST BEST relationships of anyone, and people who really don’t give a shit about each other can probably have a pretty awesome time swinging too, because, well, who cares? But for the rest of us…the pussies. Sigh. I don’t think we’re all ready. And keep in mind, it’s not the kind of thing that’s specific to people. It’s specific to RELATIONSHIPS. I could be the type of dude who swings like crazy with one girl, but in my relationship with another be unable or unwilling or uninterested….It’s fucking complicated, man. Why you gotta go and make things so complicated? You know?
On that note, I actually met avril lavigne once. She came to our show in LA. She’s short, and she smells like shit. HA!
Okay, so this has been day 2 of swinging, and I’m still looking for eligible couples to convince me to give it all a try. Send your pics to the email address linked on this page. Let’s see what happens! Also, ladies, pics of your cans are always encouraged. Woot.