Friday, July 10, 2009

take off all your preppy clothes.

Hey hey.
I guess I didn’t cover swinging well yesterday. Swinging is the art of being married, but boning people who aren’t your spouse. Usually, in fact, almost always, it’s the kind of thing that happens when you’re in the same general place, like, you go to a swinger party and people are just pumping all over the apartment, or you and your spouse and another couple go out for drinks and then you all end up banging in the same room later on. This can involve you just banging your spouse while the other couple’s banging right there (exciting!) or the full on trading of partners (oh my!) Swinging is a ‘lifestyle’ apparently, and one of my lovely dogs of war asked yesterday what I thought of swinging. Well, looking back over the advice I gave, it really seemed like I was in a hurry to get out the door and well, frankly, there were parts of it that I think didn’t make sense. So let’s start again.
Swinging. It’s awesome. In theory. I love the idea. Banging chicks, letting my wife be free to experiment sexually with whomever she wants…Hey, it kind of completely eliminates the element of infidelity from a relationship, right? I mean, I really, really, really see the allure. It’s the end of cheating, the end of mistrust. It fixes everything that usually plagues relationships.
Yeah. It does. Here’s the issue for me with swinging. I hate dudes. I don’t want some guy there banging my wife. That’s my stuff, man. It’s not like I don’t want her to get the enjoyment (though, really, how could she even enjoy anything? It would be so pedestrian compared to the five star boneathons that I provide her with) it’s that I don’t want some greasy dickhead looking over at me and thinking he got one over on me. AND, for fucks sake, I don’t want my wife looking at me boning someone that’s not her. I mean, call me crazy, but my wife is my ideal mate, and having her in the room pretty quickly highlights what’s wrong with whomever I’m banging, right? Or what’s wrong with my wife, I guess…but that’s a realization I never want to come to.
And that’s the thing. People don’t treat sex like they should, and I’m as guilty of this as anyone. Sex should and could be like eating. Both are instincts after all. It COULD be that you have a favorite person to bang, but you bang other people, but you always return to that comfort bang, right? Like, let’s say my favorite meal is salami sandwiches. I often eat other things, stuff that I love, and sometimes that stuff I love makes me feel satisfied in amazing ways, but that never EVER effects my love of salami sandwiches. That’s always my favorite, and it’s always gonna be. But, in terms of sex, that’s quite a leap to make. And I see how in a really great, really strong relationship, that would be an amazing gameplan as far as porking strangers goes. BUT!!!!!! People don’t treat sex that way. People are cowards. People think dumb shit like (just for example) “once you go black you never go back’ and completely ignore the way human preference actually works. People are creatures of habit and people who love something will ALWAYS return to it. For example, I’ve got a ton of friends. Hanging out with someone new, and getting along famously, and having a great night doesn’t threaten the status of my best friend. Not at all. But we think that’s how it works with sex. I don’t know why. I mean, honestly I think all sorts of group swinging type shit seems like it’s cool, but I don’t think I’m man enough to handle it. I couldn’t see my wife in that situation and just be happy that she was enjoying herself. I couldn’t see my wife looking at me and not wonder what the fuck she was thinking to be okay with all this. It’s a hangup, sure, but BUT BUT BUT that’s sort of irrelevant. Hang ups are what make us who we are. They’re the things we need to tread lightly around to cultivate any relationship. AND, that’s the other problem with swinging. In a friendship, if you have a best friend who doesn’t like horror movies, but you love ‘em, you just kind of accept that and understand that you’ll never be the squad that sits down and has a Romero marathon…BUT with sex, people’s hang ups become suddenly things that you need to get around, or change or try to convince them to rethink, as though that’s even possible. This chick yesterday, who wants to swing, trying to rationalize why her husband should be okay with it…that’s not the way it works. Try to convince me that I should enjoy eating eggplant. Go ahead. I’m listening….Okay. Okay. Okay. Nope. I still hate eggplant. Sorry. It’s the same thing with shit like swinging. You can’t convince someone one way or the other…it’s either something they’re down with or not.
And, to just kind of cap this whole thing off, I’d suggest that it’s the middle ground relationships that would suffer from ‘the swinging lifestyle’. People who are truly comfortable with each other can probably make that shit work out and have the best BEST BEST BEST relationships of anyone, and people who really don’t give a shit about each other can probably have a pretty awesome time swinging too, because, well, who cares? But for the rest of us…the pussies. Sigh. I don’t think we’re all ready. And keep in mind, it’s not the kind of thing that’s specific to people. It’s specific to RELATIONSHIPS. I could be the type of dude who swings like crazy with one girl, but in my relationship with another be unable or unwilling or uninterested….It’s fucking complicated, man. Why you gotta go and make things so complicated? You know?
On that note, I actually met avril lavigne once. She came to our show in LA. She’s short, and she smells like shit. HA!
Okay, so this has been day 2 of swinging, and I’m still looking for eligible couples to convince me to give it all a try. Send your pics to the email address linked on this page. Let’s see what happens! Also, ladies, pics of your cans are always encouraged. Woot.

23 comments:

Tim & Rac said...

you do it in the same room? i'm more confused than i was before, now... that sounds more like an orgy.

ok i'm ready for day two. throw your stones mother fuckers!

Candice said...

i want to be someones salami sandwich.

Bridgett said...

I think yesterday's post was brilliant. Maybe you blew so many minds that they decided that they can't read Bad Sandwich anymore for fear of total brain meltdown.

Candice said...

And I'm guessing from the quality of your subscribers, the decrease in number was due to an incarceration.

Jersey Beat said...

I'd like to think there's still something to be said for fidelity and monogamy, and that once you find someone you want to be married to, you just commit yourself to keeping sex between the two of you. Old-fashioned, I know, but I wonder how many of those couples who were swingers in the 70's are happily married senior citizens today, and how many of them are lonely and divorced and wishing they'd stayed home and watched Laugh-In on TV instead of going to those swingers parties.

timziegler said...

Hey Brendan,

I need some advice from someone clever, charming and good at performing. Do you know anyone? Just kidding. So my brothers getting married in September. He wants the ceremony to be pretty casual, and to ensure that lax attitude, he's asked me to officiate the ceremony. Yes, I'm an ordained reverend. Like many other clergy types, my access to a computer and, like, 5 minutes to spare have qualified for this exclusive title.

Well, I don't want to make a mockery of their wedding by making light of it, and I don't want to be an asshole by turning into a pandering for laughs on my behalf. I've written a pretty sturdy, serious ceremony so far, but it sounds too stuffy. It wouldn't sound natural coming out of my mouth. And I told my brother that it was kinda serious, and he's like "fuck that, say what you want to say."

There's got to be a good formula here that highlights what the ceremony is about (love n' shit), setting the tone as casual, fun and original, but not making it sound like a toast. I love the idea of doing it, but I don't want it to turn into one of those infamous family stories that lasts generations. "The Story of when that asshole, Uncle Tim, ruined the wedding."

My humorous instincts tell me I should dress up as a wizard and then act surprised and embarrassed that it's not a Lord of the Rings-themed wedding. And then proceed to address the "People of Middle Earth" and speak of a love so strong it could only be forged in the fires of Mount Doom.

Getting too drunk is also a concern.

Any advice you can throw would be neat.

Jayzilla said...

maybe someone is in a very bad place, you know in a self destructive move -- that individual continued to punish them self by denying the fruit that is BSC and unsubscribed

i mean, some people are crazy

Scott said...

my phrase of the weekend is now "5 star boneathon" thank you

Nina said...

Monogamy is an oddity and very few animals are really monogamous in nature. On the other hand I'm fairly sure no one attractive is a swinger and I could never willingly let my boyfriend fuck an ugly chick. It's about principle.

kylewagoner said...

The Avril Lavigne bit at the end was hilarious because of the title and the brief description. Too funny. Once again, I couldn't do swinging.

love,
Kyle

Scott Juniper. said...

chasing amy.

theLostPA said...

I don't think you could've stuck the landing more perfect at the end than with your comment that the swinging comfort level depends on the relationship.

If you read my comment yesterday, you know that I recently had a fairly similar hangup on being with a girl but both of us having freedom to bang others on the side. I didn't mention though that I've definitely gone down the road in the past and I probably will again someday. I just couldn't bare doing it with this particular lady.

Well said.

Robb said...

Slightly vulnerable labels today. Here's a macho hug. Oop--I held it a second too long, there! Naughty. Anyway it's probably just a tiny faction of your elderly subscribers, whose fragile sensibilities have been shattered by all this swing talk.

Matt Ramone said...

It only really doesn't work if you're insecure. Realizing I was poly and falling madly in love with another poly person has probably been the best thing to happen to me in my life up to this point.

Vincent said...

BK Remember when you were on the Daily Show.

Still cracks me up.

Can you talk about that experience?

P.S. MJ taking 10 xanax a night...EPIC

Banana@1000MPH said...

I think your subscriptions went down because someone listened to that Broadways song about how your friend gave all his stuff away and then they decided to try it...with their computer. Was that too lame?

Tim & Rac said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Drunken Acorn said...

I've seen how swinging can fuck up a marriage. My best friend got married years ago and his wife was a pretty cool chick, all his friends liked her and everything. after they had a kid she brang up the idea of swinging and he was down to do it. He was like "my wife is so cool, she wants me to bang other chicks." well when it came down to it, he couldn't go through with it but she could and she just kept on fucking other dudes even after he asked her to stop. She even banged Tracy McGrady yes the basketball player. My friend ended up getting a divorce and getting really really depressed and it was just all really hard to watch someone you care about go through all that shit because his wife wasn't ready to get married and stay monogamous. so if your not ready to fuck one person for the rest of your life don't get married, thats why I'm not married If I did I would cheat or try and be a swinger or some shit i know it i'm a scumbag.

Jen said...

well said

FAskies said...

So I went to Warped Tour for the first time ever today... and I agree with Brendan Kelly 100% on his opinion of it. Way too many tools there, I was confused with who was some random scene kid and actually memebrs of those retarded scene bands. It was worth it to see the Flatliners, NOFX, Bad Religion, etc.

Also i got to meet the Flatliners (well 2 of them) it was pretty cool cause we are from the same small suburb.

Sickie27 said...

I could never swing. EVER. Unless somehow I knew for sure it'd be the most awesome and hilarious experience of my life.

With that being said... Although I'm far from married, I wish my boyfriend and I had the balls to send nude pics to convince you.

Matt Ramone said...

@Drunken Acorn

Marriage is not about monogamy. I agree, people should have a running conversation before they get married. But it should be to ensure that they line up on Big Issues, be it having kids or how they want to approach fidelity. (As I said before, I'm poly, and my fiance and I only consider it cheating if we break the rules we have established.)

But marriage and fidelity are not defined by wanting to fuck just one person for the rest of your life. Different people have different idea about monogamy and if it's honest and functional, it supercedes your one bit of anecdotal evidence. Yeah, it sucks what happened to your friend, but monogamy was not the real issue. The real issue was their lack of communication on a vital issue prior to marriage.

In closing It's Alive is the best record ever made.

Toto said...
This comment has been removed by the author.