Monday, October 12, 2009

everything's falling apart!

What a bunch of bullshit. I worked until 3 in the morning and at 815 I just popped awake. Nothing I could do about it. Couldn’t sleep. I’m tired, but I can’t sleep at all. Also, we’re being forced to wean my kid off his morning nap in an attempt to get him more on the schedule of the daycare. The result is a very tired and frustrated little person screaming and taking up the time that’s usually reserved for me doing this dumb blog, answering emails, etc. It’s the last vestige of productivity that my day has. I need that time, but he seems to need it even more. Seeing him without this nap, I’m not surprised that he’s biting people at the daycare. He’s fucking exhausted. There’s no easy answer here folks. My wife took the day off and she and my mother in law are wrangling this poor child, but without them here it’d just be exhausted me vs. exhausted him in a battle of whines and stink-eyes.
Then, to top it off, I got this invite to go to a Chicago Film Festival screening of some movie. It’s a real movie with real movie money and people and backing and shit, and someone involved is a fan of my band or something. “Amazing!” I think. “I may be exhausted, and jesus may have jewed me out of my only chance to sleep for the week, and my kid may be a raving basket case and my parents and inlaws may be in town and I may have to stay out late practicing with my band every night until our show and wake up early with my lunatic baby every morning and I may be absolutely losing my mind about the change in the weather before our last days of shooting our movie and I may have to run around in shorts and a tshirt in 39 degree temperatures and rain pretending it’s summer all weekend next weekend, but man, I’m TRYING to be a filmmaker, and here’s some REAL LIVE filmmakers and production companies reaching out to ME! TALK ABOUT A BREAK! If nothing else, it’d be great to meet some people, see what a festival is really like and make some connections, right? Perfect. Everything’s coming together.
Well, not so fast, Billy Ray. For whatever reason, I got the emails today asking if I wanted to go to a screening tonight or tomorrow. When I responded, “hellz yeah!” I was told that the screening was actually over the weekend. That email was sent on Friday. I missed it.
Stupid Yahoo.
Stupid goddamn fucking mother fucking shit staining email server that fucking sent me my emails 3 days late and ruined the one fucking silver lining in my goddamned life today! MotherFUCKER!!!!!!!!!
What a bummer. Now I look like an ungrateful dick, AND there’s no networking to be done for me. And let me tell you kids something. It’s all about networking. Oh, yeah, confidence has a lot to do with stuff, but there’s NOTHING that’ll make you more confident than going up against 400 people in a job interview when the guy conducting the interview is the guy you double teamed a hooker with the night before. Networking is everything. Look at Bush. Look at LaToya Jackson. All networking. Nepotism and networking. That’s the secret. Plastics, my ass.
My fucking baby is screaming. We gave up and decided to put him down, but now he’s over tired and just losing his mind. I have very little respect for middle management as a rule, and that holds true whether it’s some dipshit lifer bar manager or some cunty daycare manager. Sticklers for the very “rules” that keep them stuck in the crappy jobs they’re in. Pathetic. You try to do the “right thing” that they insist you do and you just end up fucking up your own life in a weird reflection of theirs. Now, because of napgate my kid’s ruined forever. Goodbye Harvard and hedge fund management.

The problem is, we’re not rich. We can’t really afford a nanny, and our daycare is expensive enough without even having any personalized care.
We went to this thing over the weekend where a bunch of preschools brought out little science fair type boards and had representatives standing there explaining why you should send your child to their preschool. It was nutty.
There were chain preschools, internet preschools (socialize your child right there in your home!), religious preschools, hippy preschools, one with a stern headmaster who (no shit) talked about how he used the classics of Homer (the Iliad and Odyssey) to teach the fundamentals of counting and shit like that. Of course, our child would have to be standard-to-gifted cognitively, so there’s that. Also, it’s twenty grand a year. Huh. Gifted? I dunno. He shits his pants and drools all the time, but he can say ‘izzy.’ Does that make him gifted? Or is he retarded? How the fuck do you gauge a one year olds cognitive prowess? I mean, granted, I’m a genius, but so were John Lennon and Elvis and Ryan O’neil and look at their kids. Doesn’t always carry on, you know?
I think we’re gonna go the route of just putting honey all over him and having the dogs watch him while we’re out, or pay some hobos. That should be all the best of play based and scholastic based curriculum, (not to mention a little ‘cautionary example’ action) right? Right.
Okay, he’s melting down. Gotta run.

26 comments:

Banana@1000MPH said...

I doubt you give a fuck, but if it makes you feel better, I ended up keeping myself up until 3 30 and then woke up at 8 11 thinking "oh shit, I overslept" only to press my alarm set button to be reminded my alarm is set for 9 and I could go back to sleep (waking up again at 8 40). So...sort of same thing, except no kid and all that other stuff you complained about.

Scott said...

i figured there would be commentary on riot fest...

Sean said...

I heard fat mike made a joke mentioning ur name at riot fest... Something about "you only have a mustache if you're gay or Brendan Kelly" haha

kylewagoner said...

Yahoo also said punk was dead the other day. I mean, you could argue either side, but I don't know if you could argue either side of Yahoo being useful anymore.

My day/week has kind of fallen apart, too, but it's only based on seeing a girl. Nothing career-based or anything, but I'm feelin' ya on the falling apart thing. Oh and also my band is dysfunctional and no one in this town can make a plan and fucking stick with it. No one. Fucking bullshit.

love,
Kyle

KypPineapple said...

Your blog is like the ultimate form of birth control.

I have money issues and no kid, so I can only imagine the horror you're experiencing. Good luck, man.

KypPineapple said...

Also, your blog title has gotten that ASOB song repeating over and over again in my head. I'm not sure if I should thank you or kill you.

Kevin Burnett said...

I'm sure you fuckers will get a kick out of this. I got drunk this weekend and woke up in the middle of the night to find myself pissing inside my friends refrigerator.

Have a good week.

Zach said...

Babies are gay.
However I think you can gauge their cognitive ability by the size of the feces they produce. Big shit, big brains. That's a direct quote from Dr. Phil.

Nick said...

Congrats.

Brian said...

@kevin

that isn't original at all

J.A.F. said...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/8303922.stm

baby with a huge IQ. weird that this was in the news today.

Robb said...

Kevin - If I were rich and with limitless resources, I'd orchestrate an elaborate chain of events that culminates with an Iranian man high-fiving you with his "toilet hand". It would be a heartbreaking work of staggering genius.

Kevin Burnett said...

Never claimed to be original, just drunk. Let's not get started again?

Toto said...

i'm having a shitty day/month/year too dude...
i got drunk the entire month and i'm not planning to stop,anyway, who cares,fuck this...

Robb said...

Don't be troubled; I'd pull that ruse even on closest friends given ample time, money and resources. Imagine the potential bonding from learning someone planned out a global-scale domino rally just for you to touch someone's 'poop hand'. Amazing.

Robb said...

It would be like a more retarded version of that movie 'The Game'.

Nina said...

To quickly defend my fellow Iranians, washing your butt with soap and water is a million times more sanitary than using rolls of toilet paper. If there was poop on your beard, would you rather wash it or attempt to wipe it off with toilet paper?

In the name of full disclosure, I'm a girl and have never pooped. I am going only on hearsay.

jbody said...

the frenetically downtrodden posts always disturb me a little bit.I guess that means they are effective or something.eh.Robb, to assume Iranian men on average have only one "toilet hand" isnt sufficiently mock racist.kevin,may I address you as tucker min from here on in?

Robb said...

First, I hardly ever have shit in my beard, so that's just...ugh~! And is there soap in the mix? Because from what I've heard/read, there generally isn't. Just a water tap/hose/jar. Hence the resultant 'potty hand' which is unfit for inspecting mangoes at market, hence the foundation upon which my 'shitty' little joke hinges. Soap would throw a real monkey wrench in all that, and we can't have that. So nah; you're wrong.

Toto said...

hey guys, don't know who of you named David Cross in here but i'm checking out his material and it's just fantastastic,"shut up you baby" is genious, even more while drunk and stoned, but not coked up, that just doesn't work you know, smiles and blow don't go together.

KypPineapple said...

David Cross is a fucking genius. Ever seen Arrested Development or Mr. Show? Check em both out. Unfortunately for me, he was just here in Pittsburgh on Friday and by the time I'd gathered enough money for a ticket, the show was already sold out.
SADNESS ENSUES.

Banana@1000MPH said...

Toto, we - all of us - as a comments section on a blog on the internet mentioned David Cross as a whole - in unison. Check out Arrested Development and Mr. Show as KypPineapple said. Also, check out other things too. Oh shit! Check out, ummm...oh, read his book. And also, I don't know, I feel like there is more, maybe check out everything Bob Odenkirk has been involved in even though he hasn't been at his top game lately and also check out Zach Galifianakis, Patton Oswalt, Brian Posehn, Eugene Mirman, and uhh... well, I don't know if Louis CK is really part of that bunch, but check him out too. And check out Upright Citizens Brigade, but more importantly, check out Human Giant. God, I love Matt Besser, but more Aziz Ansari and Rob Huebel and Paul Scheer. Also, I love the rest of the Upright Citizens Brigade.

J.A.F. said...

Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job is close to Mr. Show in comedic gold.

I don't know if anyone has checked my band out (the link is on my profile here.) We're called the Story of Everest. Since 2002. Before the Mr. Show DVDs came out. Just thought I'd mention that.

chris said...

robb you are hilarious man. "naw your wrong" lol

Robb said...

JAF, even if your band was the worst shit ever fed into a mixer, you'd still get points and respect on the name alone. Congrats. As I've said that's what I'd title my blog if I ever ventured into that silliness. Oh and Zach's "twin" Seth Galifianakis is one of the better comedic creations of the last decade or two. "Well I just...think that's a buncha' junk"

J.A.F. said...

robb, yeah i remember you saying that about your hypothetical blog.

and youre right about seth galifianakis.