Monday, October 5, 2009

No, you're a turd!

Yesterday, a Norwegian dude stomped my head into the concrete of a dirty, abandoned parking lot, I chased down and tackled a barista in a backyard where a family was having a picnic and I ate six ice cream sandwiches. When I took down the barista I heard a cracking sound, followed almost immediately by a crippling pain in my side. For a second, I thought I had broken a rib. Well, I don’t still think that’s the case, but I’m pretty sore in the whole torso area, and the arm and leg area and the stomach area (thank you ice cream sandwiches) and the head area kind of hurts too. So here’s the thing, I NEED to go to the gym today (thank you ice cream sandwiches) but I’m way too sore to actually go. I mean, I can’t even put my leg up on a chair without grunting like a desiccated old pre-deather, there’s no way I’m gonna be able to fuck with weights or resistance machines. Maybe I should just go on a bike ride. Right. Glad that’s settled. Thanks, y’all.
Okay, so Dogs of War, wow…Quite a little sock drawer we’ve been having lately, huh? Lots of cursing, back and forthing, fights, secret alliances, unknowns coming out of the woodwork to lend support/bile to the cause(s). Craziness. It’s like survivor down there, and I’m not talking about the Beyonce song…or was that Destiny’s Child? Who cares, it’s always just been about Miss Knowles (Missus Carter) anyway, right? Right. Kelly Rowland? Please. I’m trying to eat over here. Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh yes. The violence in the Sock Drawer. Well, as your overlord, I’m sure you’ve all been waiting to hear my take, so here it goes:
1. You guys are dorks. That’s right. Fighting on the internet is so dorky it borders on needing a new word for the description of said dorkiness. My friend Toby engages in internet battles with tons and tons of people, and you know what the result is? He looks like jughead and his best friend makes fun of him for being a dorky internet fighter. Also, there are a bunch of other people out there who hate him. This isn’t a big deal, as they’re all dorky internet fighters too, but that’s the thing: When you start fighting on the internet, you’re dealing with losers: Other people who fight on the internet. It’s like porn. You can’t get into porn and expect to fuck na├»ve and enthusiastic young chicks/guys while remaining a normal dude/chick…You’re in porn. You’ll be fucking porn actresses or actors, some of whom will look at you with revulsion and do a line of cocaine just specifically so they don’t cry while you’re fucking them. And maybe you’re not doing that too. Fine. You’ve got no space to judge. You’re the same as her/him. Period. That’s the reality. You get involved in something like that, look around, that’s you. Same thing with fighting on the internet; the person you’re fighting with sounds stupid and doesn’t think through his/her (let’s be honest: his) arguments very well…huh, he’s thinking the exact same thing about you. And you’re both right. But here’s the thing, nobody cares even a little. And, presto! You have become what you hate, internet warrior. That said:
2. Please keep fighting!!!!! It’s mildly amusing and it fills the Sock Drawer to its exciting brim! I mean, shit man. When we started BSC over a year ago, we didn’t have these fancy offices, these state of the art computers, and all the interns (and the fold out couch upstairs [heyo!]). We just had a stolen internet connection, a computer made of popsicle sticks and a dream of talking about baby shit and the terrible smell that inevitably follows puff daddy around. Now, we’ve got eighty comments happening in the Sock Drawer (which, for those of you who are new to BSC, is the name of the comments section located at the bottom of each blog, so named for the large amount of semen [references] found therein). That’s the kind of shit that makes book deals and Hollywood movie deals happen folks! That’s more comments than they get over at isshefilthy.blogspot.com and that’s got pictures of clams and tits and dicks and junk on it. So, please, for the love of god, keep fighting, nerds! I know I’d like to see “Bad Sandwich Chronicles: The Movie.” Wouldn’t you? Of course. Who would play me, though? Will Smith? Not bad casting, really. Think about it.
3. Um, there is no three. I just hit return and the three popped up. I need to get one of my interns over here to fix this shit. Speaking of! Exciting internship opportunities here at BSC! Send me a picture of your tits/beaver/dong and a short paragraph about why you think you’d be a good fit over here along with your resume to the email address linked from this page. Deadlines are coming quick, so don’t dilly dally. Okay, that’s all for now. Snoochie boochies, turds.

62 comments:

admp said...

Rude comments. ANGRY CAPS LOCK! Negative appraisal of people's music. Accusation of poor grammar. Clever metaphor. Pun. Cutting ending.

KypPineapple said...

I'm sorry to disappoint you Brendan, but I'm hanging up my "internet-warrior" snuggie-armor, as your astute observations so clearly showed me: you can't fight stupidity with more stupidity.

Also, the amount of homophobic accusations that were lazily thrown around here would be enough to make me butt-hurt if I did indeed enjoy the cock.

planespotting said...

To keep things light today, let's quote the Simpsons:

Principal Skinner: There's no such thing as Scotchtoberfest!

Groundskeeper Willy: There's not!?

Ya used me Skinner! Yah youuuuuuuuused me!

Joseph said...

So, are you guys ever gonna tour anywhere besides California?
I guess y'all are a bunch of pussies and don't wanna go somewhere without good weather, bleach blond floozies and the possibility of running into Ryan Seacrest.
If you ever grow some balls, you should play a show in Austin TX.
We have a lot of entertaining hipsters and smelly crusties. Also if you get busted with less than two ounces of weed in Austin, you only get a ticket.

p.s. what are your thoughts on Twitter? and why don't you tweet?

Daniel said...

I would apply to be a BSC intern if I lived in Chicago and didn't have to work for a living. I imagine it basically entails hanging out at Beex's house and being his domestic staff: keeping an eye on his kid, probly some diaper changing, fixing lunch, a bit of cleaning, running assorted other errands. Maybe occasionally getting to do something cool, like offer feedback on new TLA material.

Also, it's true, a well known fact: arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics, in that even if you win, you're still retarded. I know I only do it sometimes because I don't have much of a life.

dustyfloors said...

In hopes of securing BK's book deal here's a 100+ comment generating statement.
I LOVE Brokencyde. Get some!

Word verification - trole

admp said...

@dusty

Oh, the irony.

Kevin Burnett said...

Pretty funny stuff today. Have a good week kids.

Gregory said...

here is a fun website i discovered during my procrastination.

http://iamfriendswithsluts.tumblr.com/

it gets old pretty quick, but still worth a look. haha.

Jesus said...

How amazing, a whole post dedicated to the whiney and pitiful socks who fight over the internet.

Geeze, I wish I had said something clever/ stupid to earn the attention of some smartass in the Drawer. I would have been so much more fufilled.

What's the stories behind your tat's BK? I'm sure those would be a hit post.

Capt Murdock said...

In response to your label..... any chance Bruce Campbell sneaks in as a sleeper?

Mike I would appreciate a running synopsis as this all unfolds. Thank you in advance.

Andrew said...

that's what the internet is for, slandering others anonymously

dustyfloors said...

Hey Gregory, I'm assuming that site is not exactly work friendly!? I am very intrigued.

kennyg said...

i agree with Joseph. not in that you guys are pussies, and only wanna go to california. i'm just saying a show in the Austin or San Antonio areas would be nice. i haven't seen you guys in almost 2 years. when you played halloween in San Antonio, and you all dressed up as school girls. hah

KypPineapple said...

I'm going to second Jesus here and say I'd too like to hear more about your tats (and tits? Possibly...).
I only wish I had thought of "mama tried" first.

Candice's Breasts said...

Finally, the sock drawer can get back to what it was intended for--BK worship and these beauties.

tobiasjeg said...

Ahem.

Toby here.

What Brendan neglected to mention is that I always win these internet wars and that I always look really awesome while doing so.

Sorta.

Toto said...

yeah, internet wars are lame...also is facebook, twitter and chatting with msn messenger, i don't know, i just find them retarded.but what do i know?, aw fuck, not feeling clever today really, not that i ever did...
so... oh yeah, fuck Ryan Seacrest and that band named Terror, fuck you Terror, fuck you and your MachoCore bullshit and you camo shorts and bandanas.

Toto said...

i forgot, fuck Lady Gaga too,i hope she dies in a fire somewhere far away from water.
things i love : foot massages and drunk driving

J.A.F. said...

ok, i tried to hate lady gaga, but i can't do it.

Stizzy said...

sometimes, when I read toby's twitters, I pretend that we're best friends and that he's telling me stuff that no one else knows. Then I imagine us going to the zoo together and hanging out with zebras and shit.

ak said...

the world turns to a desert while you pray for rain...

admp said...

C'mon, someone call me a fucking moron or accuse Robb of masturbating to men. Give the man what he wants.

Jayzilla said...

please consider this as an application for "extra 1: man in tie dye" for the bsc movie..


i talked it over with my accountant, if you could make the check out to cash for tax purposes, that would be rad!

thanks!

Robb said...

Well yeah man, I'm pretty sure no one's under any pretense interweb squabbles are anything but ultimately dorky as fuck, but they're still occasionally fun as fuck, even at my 'old' age.

Besides--is any self-respecting guy really not gonna bring the snark when..."ate dad's New Yorker"? Yeah,New Yorker, since I'm just always using BSC to push my overt leftist agenda!... And yeah, Kyp--I did take things low-brow with that last one--but only b/c that seemed how you wanted to play it, what with the "closet homo" insinuations and demasculinization ('Robberta'). But anyway, the whole crux being...I never considered myself to "speak" like anything but a normal 25 yr old that no one of normal intelligence should have any problem understanding w/o pulling out the fucking Webster's...hence finding the whole accusation fucking retarded...hence the vitriol. And all that aside, it's like, have you read bsc/comments for what, two weeks? You failed to notice (or ignore) at least half my comments are just short sweet nuggets? I dunno. And ultimately, let's not act like all this wasn't 11% wildly entertaining. Done, but yeah. Total fun, zero regret.

jsin1981 said...

Oh man so I didn't know what Brokencyde was- and Oh man I was better off not knowing. Whatever you do don't youtube it I am scared for life.

Candice said...

You're an asshole Mike AND I plan on stealing your girlfriend.

Manny Los Gatos said...

BK:

Can you give me a rundown on Riot FEst? Are you going? Who are you dying to see? Could you enlighten us? I heard that the Milkmen are doing their "Fear of a Beige Planet" set.

Drunken Acorn said...

So does this mean no one is gonna talk about giving little ole Mittens a finger anymore? Great BK see what you did, making us all get along again. Oh well I still got Robb's nuggets, More nuggets Robb!!

admp said...

Sock Drawer members, if you are unable to access the forum, we are currently switching to a unique domain name, I'm working on getting it fixed right now, when it's done you should be able to use the old address OR www.thesockdrawer.org

I'll will post on here again when it's working.

admp said...

Ok, it should work now for everyone.

www.thesockdrawer.org

Gregory said...

off topic, but it kinda sucks that TLA are selling the itunes version of buttsweat with an extra song. goddamn i hate digital downloads.

Banana@1000MPH said...

BK, you better - on the lowdown - slide us a copy of the bonus iTunes song, under the table.

verification: reckrol (close to rickroll, eh?)

Blake said...

Today is my birthday, and I would like to take credit for the cat fingering squabble, as a birthday present. Nobody here, besides Yours Truly, is smart enough to come up with something that clever.

i guess www.thesockdrawer.org ?

Banana@1000MPH said...

I was a member of the old extra bonus super special limited edition sock drawer, if I go to the ORG, do I have to sign up for a new account or does my old one work? Also, when is the best time - like, is there a lull at some time in the month that is a good time to get in there without being thoroughly confused?

Blake said...

Banana, I thought thesockdrawer.beard would make a better domain, but nobody listened. I think you have to make a new account, and its a little confusing at first, but you get used to it, and actually pretty simple once you do.

KypPineapple said...

Always have to get the last word in, eh Robb? I'll just leave it at that....

And to the man who connected "biting" to "fingering" ...well, you either have one hell of an awesome sex life or one so awkward, perverted, and weird that I cannot even begin to fathom what it involves (nor do I want to).

Robb said...

So on a warmer note - What socks will be Festing in a few weeks? (Gville, not Riot) ...Kyp? The perfect opportunity to tell me in person just what a pretentious fucking asscap you find me! Then, a cliched, predictable string of drunken "bonding" talks that lead us to becoming fast friends by weekend's end! Maybe we could eat some...pineapple in the chill-out tent? Oh sorry, I'm just channeling imagery from that one shitty song!

Kevin Burnett said...

Hey KypPineapple, thanks for the backup over the weekend buddy. I didn't intend to cause such a ruckus, I just wanted to let Robb know I personally think he comments like a douche. I didn't even read the rest of the comments until now.

I should be up at school this weekend for the game, we'll crack a beer or two. If not, I'll be up for Minnesota on the 17th.

Sylvester Trombone said...

First of all, "internet warrior Snuggie armor" was actually one of the funniest things I've read on here in a while. Nice imagery and topical humor, Kyp. For realz. I just pictured the exposed collarbone of a pale, cold, unshowered, malnourished messageboard fighter sitting in a dark room wearing a red Snuggie and I almost pooped myself. Secondly, I think Robb's beard just challenged you to a dual down in America's flaccid penis, known as Florida. Will you accept? Please make it happen. I might just have to head down there to see this pillowfight.

Robb said...

It's o-k, Kevin Arnold - I personally kinda think you...basically accomplish little more than give BK a figurative sloppy deep throat gag job first thing every morning by essentially 'agreeing 110%' with whatever he discussed? Yawnz~. If he suddenly revealed a penchant for killing hookers, would that be "totally awesome oMg me 2!!" ..? Not 'douchey' per se; but incredibly dull.

poopoo.noob.nob said...

Norwegians are so stupid! Why dont they just get back on their viking ships, sail out to sea, and die.

Kevin Burnett said...

yawn.

Robb said...

O and Kevin, it's far douchier (and a cop-out) to pull the whole protracted "say something to illicit a response" thing--unprovoked, mind you--then try and pull the whole pseudo-self righteous "yawnz, I won't even respond b/c I'm THIS MUCH above YOU!" bullshit...when you're literally the one whom incited that whole thread of mud-slinging to begin with. Basic "conflicts 101" right there, you fucking idiot.

jbsomethingy said...

hey beeks,thanks for letting us know we are way uncool and spend to much time hashing out our own shiiit on the web in the form of mercurial daily rants but tomorrow please give us another anecdotal gem,perhaps one about the time ce ce peniston and toad the wet sprocket were on the undercard of a slapstick gig and why that in a roundabout way makes the the riot before peeved?Maybe verify the rumor that before playing a gig somewhere between the years of 88 and 93 you saved norman mailer from drowning in a bowl of cream of tomato soup only to have him put up such a struggle you were forced to heroically strike him in the temple and remind him that ''if you dont fucking chill we're both drownin in that orange shit maaan''!jeez, I wish robb had done this im running on limited time and a lack of formal education.yawn

Bridgett said...

So I had to work in Kenosha today, and the power died for the outside lights, so everyone thought we were closed, and some pretty interesting conversations were had between the remaining bored employees. One was that Straight Edge is now on the official list of gangs in Reno, Nevada. They beat the shit out of drug dealers or something extremely lame like that. I thought no Straight Edge-r made it past 21. Please discuss.

KypPineapple said...

Robb, dude, bro, hermano. Let it go. You'd think after BK himself dedicated a whole blog to show how stupid we are you'd drop this shit. If you hadn't already, you're really starting to make an ass out of yourself.

Kev, it's cool man. I won't be up this weekend but will be for Ohio State and Indiana. Hopefully that works out.

...And, unfortunately, like the inbred-Pennsylvanian-coal-miner I am, I'm poor as fuck and in no way can finance a trip to Florida. Unless someone wants to get a charity going here, in which case I'd totally be up for that pillow fight.

Banana@1000MPH said...

kypineapple, i joking argued (against robb) in the last one, but this is too much. I'm getting involved for reals. You just added to the argument while trying to act as if you are above it all. Brendan totally made fun of everyone - but he also told everyone to keep it up.

Robb said...

Oh dearest Kyp. Doing Kev's dirty work...I view you as sort of a stunt man, in that way. I don't think of your pal as a literal idiot. He obviously can bathe/dress himself, pose for pics, and probably hold down a decent job. But my point still stands. Don't be the one to open what will probably become a can-o-worms--no matter how right/justified you feel (especially when you call/single out someone specifically)--then take flight like a little buzzard, leaving your camping bud to take the reins and fight your battles. So cheap, cheesy, cowardly. Oh and I could totally paypal $8-10 to your 'fest fund'. Nite-nite.

Drew said...

Oh Robb... I can't wait to meet my bearded, complacent, internet-adversary at fest!!! I will be the kid in glasses, fucking hammered at D4 with a Propagandhi shirt on... Oh wait, that's not much of an indicator... I will be the kid wasted at d4, with glasses, a propagandhi shirt, and NO beard! There we go, it's clear now.

Shit's about to get so gnarly in those four nights of debauched revelry!!!

Cheers.

Robb said...

...And in an annoying turn, you'll surely be pleased to know that D4's set happens to conflict with...my CHEAP GIRLS...and I'll be going with D4 despite how much I love the former. Fuck.

KypPineapple said...

I'll take that $10.
And you're baiting. Or obsessed. Your clever wit attacked the Hold Steady and now I'm apparently a coward because I've lost interest in this whole thing. I really don't care. It's classic internet baiting 101.
I still think you're a pseudo-intellectual-fuckwad. Oh well. I'd just like to be able to comment again without you going into a diatribe about...whatever your mind ejaculates all over my face at that particular moment.

Robb said...

1) Yes, you'll take it...and use it on Little Ceaser's, not Fest.

2) Unbelievable...I was (correctly) accusing KEVIN of the whole "make a baiting comment and run" thing, not you--i.e. the way he handled the whole fucking scenario and my entire point...How you could...possibly misinterpret that when it's the same point I just made to him above is beyond me...

3) Hold Steady was actually for Drew (backstory there), and honestly I was just being naughty with that one! Actually don't hate that song at all. Pleasant, even!! k nitey-nite 4 realz

Blake said...

Listen, I have plenty of calico, siamese, maine coon, tortoiseshell, and tabbies (not too mention a long line of ferals running around) to settle this whole dispute, kyp.

Sean said...

yo, u guys need to stop bickering, sack up, and just admire Candice's breasts like the rest of us socks!

For the love of jizz (all over her breasts).

Kevin Burnett said...

I'm totally winning. Off to work, later chumps.



Word Verification: Retrogo - makes me think of what happens to Robb's dong when he sees an attractive female.

Candice's Breasts said...

Sean--thank you. Finally, somebody says something that makes sense. Every time a couple of JV BK's engage in the mental equivalent of whipping out penises and setting them on the table, my breasts get exactly 1/4th of a cup smaller. None of us can afford for it to continue.

Robb said...

Yeaah, uhh, "Candice's Breasts"--

A) It's frankly insulting you'd lump the likes of Kevin in with actual, worthy JV BK's. More of a...sea mollusk?

B)Do keep in mind that at the end of the day, you're a person impersonating (poorly) a pair of breasts, whom,accoring to rumor, has fairly creeped out real Candice. Soo, yeah.

Drew said...

contrary to popular belief... I really like cheap girls, just not as much as the rest of the org (not hipster) scene. That is what I meant by over-hyped. Anyway... sorry that you have to miss them... BUT, duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh dada dee duh... D!!!... 4!!!!

Robb said...

My friend had a hilarious encounter with Paddy at the Larry Arm's new years' show last year...hoping for another.

AJ said...

SHUT UP TOBY YOU'RE A GIANT DWEEB

Candice said...

it's not a rumor. i am fairly freaked out.