Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Tweetily deetily deet!

Okay, this new baby nap schedule is a beast. No more idle hours of 9 to 11 or noon just blogging and imagining a world in which I never, ever had to do anything else again and could just coast on my past success, a la Bobby Brown or Mike Tyson for the rest of my life. That would be sweet. Those guys seem like they’re handling it well, at least, right?
Well, anyway, point is, I think I’m gonna either have to start writing this at night and posting it in the morning or writing it at this time (2ish) if I’m gonna keep up the level of excellence you dildo’s seem to think you deserve (because I’ve been foolishly providing nothing but spit shined excellence to you ungrateful hordes for free for the past year and a half). OR, I could just make this blog trivial and brief. Like a twitter. A daily tweet. No more long, epic treatises about beating off and taking dumps…from now on it’s just gonna be trivial, unimportant stuff. Like this:
Today I was at the gym and I was struggling to figure out what to do, since this broken rib (yeah…I think the fucker’s broken. Sigh.) makes every exercise kind of hurt. So I was on the elliptical machine reading US weekly like any other self respecting heterosexual male on the earth would be, when I got to the ‘who wore it best’ section, which is, in essence, a one on one battle of highly insecure and anorexic celebrity women who are pictured side by side because they were foolish, nay, idiotic enough to be photographed in the same outfits. There’s some bullshit percentage at the bottom that’s from some fictional poll that determines who the hotter celebrity is. It’s really cultural discourse on a very, very high level.
Well, as great as this usually is, the one I saw today was even better. Today it was Olive Baron-Cohen versus Violet Affleck. That’s right, assholes! We’re pitting little toddler girls against each other now. Well, Olive was clearly the pig of the two and she lost by a wide margin. She looked like shit in that Dora the Explorer longsleeve (Target Kids) while Violet absolutely glowed. Honestly. What was Borat thinking dressing his hog-daughter like that, in the very SAME top that the cherubic Affleck child was born to wear? Maybe it was another one of his undercover comedy bits. Probably was. That borat has ice water in his veins. He’ll even let his own disgusting, craven pig of a child get photographed and cruelly and capriciously compared to a much more beautiful child in a vapid and horrible magazine while mongaloid pseudo journalists make comments about her as long as his movie gets a laugh. Great Success!!! I can’t wait to see the next Borat movie. It’s gonna be awesome if this is any indication of his level of dedication. You know what borat character I hate though? that smug Englishman who’s always winning awards and walking around with the fuck puppet from Bridefuckers or whatever that movie was called. That guy hardly says anything funny at all. Hey borat! Stick to the fags and the foreigners from funny countries, please! Thanks.
Okay, where was I? Oh yeah. I’m deliriously tired and I’m gonna take a nap, which is dangerous, because I’ve GOT TO get our Tshirt designs out today or there’s gonna be no new shirts at our show (and I still need to design them! Yipes!!!) but first I’m gonna tell you about the first concert I ever saw…It was the Dead Milkmen at the metro when I was twelve. That was a while ago. The last (most recent) concert I ever saw was…that’s right assholes, the Dead Milkmen at the Metro. Full circle! That’s it! I’m never watching live music again. My life should, nay MUST! Be lived in perfectly cylindrical poetry. Look out Julie Morelli! You’re gonna be the last person on earth I ever bang! Look out floor of Barnes hospital! You’re gonna be the last place I ever crap! Look out sweet embrace of dark, dreamless sleep! I’m on my way. You get the idea, right? Good.
For the love of god, I’m tired. Stupid band practice and baby combination.
Oh, and the Dead Milkmen played too much funk. After the show I tried to punish them but once I got past “great show” I had nothing to say, cuz let’s be honest, it was just all right. How do you comment on how great it was if there weren’t really any great moments, you know?
Joe was wearing snow pants or something. And they played “Right Wing Pigeons” second. Who wants to see that? No one likes that song, dudes. Where’s “Life is Shit?” Where’s “Bad Party?” Where’s fucking “Takin Retards to the Zoo?” I mean, come on.
Okay, that’s it. I’m out. If you have great tshirt designs for me, send a high res image to my inbox by the end of the day and I’ll make em. Otherwise, we’re all fucked. It’s on you, now Dogs of War. Don’t let yourselves down.
Off to bed.
Ta!

40 comments:

Banana@1000MPH said...

I laughed, but I don't know if you were making fun of people who don't distinguish between characters and actors, extending the strange rant, or if you genuinely hate Sascha Baron Cohen.

Also, just take a picture of your dick - now that's a t-shirt!

Jesus said...

Why not just keep it simple and go with the winged hourglass with tenth anniversery on the sleeve of the T-shirt?

If you wanted to razzle dazzle it up, add some detail to the wings and put tiny sayings in the hourglass? Then on the back just take a picture of your ass and put it square between the shoulder blades.

Joseph said...

Just make sure your shirts are not printed on Gildan or American Apparel. Gildan are fucking billowy and stupid looking and American Apparel are for skinny people.
And if you're not worried about getting sued, just put this on a shirt. http://www.plu.edu/~allenca/stallone-sylvester-rocky-arms-3700761.jpg
It will sell like hotcakes!

dustyfloors said...

Can't wait for that show!
I need advice. This problem doesn't need to be escalated to Beex, honestly. So, Drawer let's see what you guys got for me.

My roommate and I just moved in to a place in Oct. Love it. It's a great place a little more neighborhood-y so we're getting more for our money (Chicagoans we went from Wrigleyville to Jefferson Park) and the place is overall kick ass. However, 4am last night we hear this from the downstairs apt.

All text was being shouted with a lovely ghetto twang to it.
Woman - "When's the last time we've had sex. You're always playing with yourself. That's why we're so limp"
Guy - "I hate you!! I Fucken HATE YOU!!!"

Honestly that sums it up pretty well. This isn't the first time but other times it was a Fri/Sat at about midnight & I just figured they were hammered or something.

How do I make this stop!? I think I'm going to go with banging on the floor the next time to kinda give them the "Hey. We hear you. It's ridiculous. It's 4am. Please stop." vibe.

Is that the way to go. I don't know that we need to be confronting them after 2 times but during the week at 4am can't be tolerated, right?
Help.
Thanks!

Candice said...

you really broke your rib?!? i thought you were just describing another scene from that film of yours.

Nina said...

dusty-

bang the lady. problem solved

Josh said...

Let me preface this with an apology for getting a bit tl;dr.

First, don't slam on the floor man, that shit is weak and will probably just piss them off. It's the equivalent of leaving a snarky passive-aggressive note for a co-worker in the lunchroom.

Just like anywhere else in life, if you have a problem with someone just man up and tell them. You don't have to be rude or anything, just let them know that having shouting matches at 4:00am (weekend or not) isn't going to fly.

Now secondly, I wouldn't neccecarily even worry about it after only 2 occurences either, depending on the length of the outburts. If it's just a quick argument that settles down, it's an annoyance for sure, but nothing worth mentioning. When you live in an apartment building there is going to be some bleedthrough sometimes. Sure, it's annoying as fuck when my upstairs neighbor decides to do her cleaning at 11:30 on a weeknight, but listening to 15 minutes of furniture moving every couple of weeks isn't really worth complaining about.

If this becomes a weekly thing that is ruining your sleep, go say something and, if it doesn't stop after you've tried talking to them twice, just call in a noise complaint to the cops. Most landlords won't do anything about a noise complaint unless there is a call made to the police first.

Liz said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Liz said...

when i saw that who wore it best: violet affleck v. olive cohen i almost fucking choked!

Josh said...

As an aside: I'm pretty intolerant of noise. I live in a building right down the street from Berklee here in Boston and there are a ton of dickweed music students in my building that don't get 1) it's not ok to practice full volume with your court-yard windows open regardless of time of day, 2) no one wants to listen to you run scales and do vocal warm ups and 3) it is NEVER ok to practice with a live band in a goddamned apartment building (honestly who thinks it's ok to play a full drum kit in an apartment.)

I used to try and be patient but after over a year here my tolerence has grown pretty thin. I'll go hunting for the offending apartment after about 5 minutes and if I can't find it easily (there are over 100 units in my building and probably 40 or so facing into the courtyard where my windows are) I won't really hesitate to call in a complaint.

kylewagoner said...

Where's "Born to Love Volcanoes"? Wait, no one likes that one, either.

Banana@1000MPH said...

Don't call the cops over noise. That is one of the reasons I hate people. What the fuck is wrong with you? Be civilized and talk to people. You call the cops if someone is beating the shit out of someone in front of your apartment.

Jayzilla said...

keep it rocking -- suicide king on charcoal!

i like the idea of 10th anniversary on the sleeve

also -- a tie dye option would be pretty rad

Candice said...

oh you and your tie-dye jay

:)

Robb said...

Don't know how to best convey this visually, but if you could somehow make the iconic hourglass look a little more weather-worn/beaten, that would be cool. Also, maybe below or somewhere have, "Like sands through the hourglass....so are the days of our lives..." wait--

Robb said...

"Still handsome as fuck" or "every year, a little more handsome..." accompanied by just the graphic of the weather worn hourglass/tattered wings...either that or the logo and simply "10 years"...I like the idea of the hourglass as the focus and no actual 'Larry Arms' for some reason. I dunno.

James said...

I hope you're gonna be selling these shirts online for the poor fuckers who won't be at this show.

Jesus said...

On another note, when might be seeing a demo on Fat for Buttsweat? Or the chance to pre-order? Or the ability to order a CD?

..Or are you only doing vinyl and digital, you chinsy bastard.

Banana@1000MPH said...

I think the shirt should be the hourglass (as people are saying) but with Brendan and Chris trapped inside of it and then Neil will be a ways off (on the wearer's side almost) and he'll look kind of confused. Do it.

Owner Operator said...

bananananannanaas idea but with neil hitting the top of the glass like it's a drum and you holding a bappy that is projectile pooing into chris' groin.

done and done

Bridgett said...

I don't give a shit what the shirts look like, but you better sell fat people sizes, you know, XL and XXL. I'm with whoever said no American Apparel shirts, because us fatties don't wear them well. The only TLA shirt I have is a ghetto 'bootleg' shirt my boyfriend bought and it has a bleach spot on it. Thank you.

Candice said...

i could totally go for some new lawrence arms boy shorts. i stopped banging the guy who made me them in the past and i really don't want to have to start banging him again just for some new ones.

Manny Los Gatos said...

The Milkmen were pretty tight on Friday, they played Life is Shit too, and nutrition, Tiny Town, PR Girl, I walk the thinnest line, Stuart (Rodney messed it up and wouldn't stop talking about it), serrated edge and junkie. I was half tempted to see them again on Sat, but I'm glad I didn't now. They did play smokin banana peels on Fri, that song sucks too.

jbody said...

shirt idea flash,Im picturing for the front a supine mentally retarded male on a california king thats been outfitted with plastic bedding.He needs to have an almost reverent self satisfied look on his face meanwhile he's pant less and urine is jutting out onto himself and the bed.The back of the shirt should read..."There was dignity in plastic sheets that day"...mmm,I guess thats a play on lyrics from the wrong midwestern beer belly despair rock group.So uh,I dunno a drawing of a startled dog who looks as if he has heard thunder on the front and the tag line "every year a bit more handsome" on back?

Bradley said...

I always thought the Dead Milkmen would be the best live band ever. What a letdown Mr. Kelly.

Sean said...

Brendan, how about a picture of you jizzing all over Candice's breasts?

... they say sex sells.... I'd buy 3!

TheViz said...

Jeez, I hated Borat. Total let-down of a movie. The only thing funny about it was the random bear. And the fact that when I saw it some woman sat down in the row behind me with her two 8-ish-year-old kids.

KypPineapple said...

I'm going to second that you put these t-shirts online for those of us not making the show.

Also, is the only place to get merch nowadays for TLA on interpunk? Cause that sucks. I've gotten too fat for my t-shirt from three years ago and my hoodie has hit the washer/dryer so many times that it's shrinking in certain areas and not others.

So, in other words, put some new shit up online, please.

moodkiller said...

I watched a woman, who had also brought what looked to be her grand children to Bruno, walk out at the dick flopping close up.

moodkiller said...

Oh and the shirt should be simple. Less is more.

amandatague said...

dustyfloors, shut up and fucking get used to it. i live in north logan/avondale depending one whether you deem the northern cut off of logan to be diversey or belmont and i too have a stereotypically sassy black couple who live above me. my sassies fight at the same times yours seem to and i often hear "aw hell no stanley, you will not give that white bitch my cell phone" drifing down. sometimes they have funk and soul dance parties until 3 am on a tuesday.
whatfuckingever. i found a place where i can afford to live alone, i can have the petting zoo trio (two cats and a dog), and i got to paint shit however i wanted. i also get away with hosting shows and readings in my place and the cops didn't get called on my birthday party.

basically, if this is your only real complaint about the place, get over it. and remember, the more shit your neighbors get away with, the more shit you get away with. enjoy your sassies. sometimes, when you're bored as fuck and just sitting on your couch knocking back a couple, they'll be the best entertainment you've had all week. you can always sleep with the tv on too.

amandatague said...

also, as far as the dead milkmen go, no dave blood, no care. unless they're like weekend at bernie's-ing him. then i care more than i have ever cared about anything before.

Josh said...

Don't call the cops over noise. That is one of the reasons I hate people. What the fuck is wrong with you? Be civilized and talk to people. You call the cops if someone is beating the shit out of someone in front of your apartment.

If you read the rest of what I wrote you'd see that speaking to someone face to face is always the first option.

Some people just don't have any respect for others though, and in those cases calling a noise complaint is the best recourse.

Josh said...

I really hate that you can't edit your comments.

By best recourse I mean that, as I said before, most landlords won't do anything about a perpetually loud tenant without a police record on file, especially because evicting someone without that kind of proof is near impossible.

dustyfloors said...

Last night's fight was about her catching him cheating per my room mate. I was at my girlfriend's place so I didn't hear this.
I think I'm gonna have to introduce myself if we get a 3rd night in a row tonight...

Amanda, I get what you're saying but I'm 25 years old and am past my prime of having keggers and raging til 4am. I moved out of the bachelor pad & actually have nice things now. So, I don't host much to avoid having said nice things get pissed on/trashed/broken and/or stolen.
It's cool that works for you and I get your point but I'm not willing to excuse someone's arrogance (they are aware they aren't the only people in the building, right?) because maybe I can throw a rager during the week or dribble a basketball all night long on Tues for the fuck of it.

The one reason I wasn't sure of approaching them is because if they're that hot headed towards each other I'm interested if there's not going to be some heated words thrown about between these two and my room mate and myself. Oh well, so we're the dicks in the building could be worse, right?

Banana@1000MPH said...

Josh, I don't recall my mindset when I wrote that, but to be clear, I don't believe the "what the fuck is wrong with you?" was intended specifically with "you" as meaning Josh and not just a general "you" meaning "society" (or whoever does call the cops) - although I don't even remember writing that sentence. Also, I probably did read everything you wrote, but I just leaped on the cop-calling part of it and then kind of went from there without checking to make sure I didn't contradict myself or say something someone else already said.

Banana@1000MPH said...

Amanda, "Stanley"? Are you sure you don't live in Scranton, PA? This is probably a dumb joke, but its funny if you imagine Stanley from "the Office" fighting with his wife above Amanda's apartment.

Voigel said...

hey man how ya going, just wanted to know where abouts in chicago is the Lawrence arms?

Robb said...

"There wuz dignity in plastic shee--whaa? That's not funny! Uhhh...err...JizzzZzz all over Candice's breeeAaastzz! huurr-hurrr! Now that's comedy!!

Josh said...

npnp bannana, it happens. I learned a long time ago drinking + posting normally ends in a bad way!

Amanda, I get what you're saying but I'm 25 years old and am past my prime of having keggers and raging til 4am. I moved out of the bachelor pad & actually have nice things now.

This is my deal too, I used to live with three other guys and we never complained about anyone else in hopes they wouldn't complain about us.

These days I might 2-3 people over to watch football or have a few drinks before a show, but nothing that could even be considered a party.