Okay, this new baby nap schedule is a beast. No more idle hours of 9 to 11 or noon just blogging and imagining a world in which I never, ever had to do anything else again and could just coast on my past success, a la Bobby Brown or Mike Tyson for the rest of my life. That would be sweet. Those guys seem like they’re handling it well, at least, right?
Well, anyway, point is, I think I’m gonna either have to start writing this at night and posting it in the morning or writing it at this time (2ish) if I’m gonna keep up the level of excellence you dildo’s seem to think you deserve (because I’ve been foolishly providing nothing but spit shined excellence to you ungrateful hordes for free for the past year and a half). OR, I could just make this blog trivial and brief. Like a twitter. A daily tweet. No more long, epic treatises about beating off and taking dumps…from now on it’s just gonna be trivial, unimportant stuff. Like this:
Today I was at the gym and I was struggling to figure out what to do, since this broken rib (yeah…I think the fucker’s broken. Sigh.) makes every exercise kind of hurt. So I was on the elliptical machine reading US weekly like any other self respecting heterosexual male on the earth would be, when I got to the ‘who wore it best’ section, which is, in essence, a one on one battle of highly insecure and anorexic celebrity women who are pictured side by side because they were foolish, nay, idiotic enough to be photographed in the same outfits. There’s some bullshit percentage at the bottom that’s from some fictional poll that determines who the hotter celebrity is. It’s really cultural discourse on a very, very high level.
Well, as great as this usually is, the one I saw today was even better. Today it was Olive Baron-Cohen versus Violet Affleck. That’s right, assholes! We’re pitting little toddler girls against each other now. Well, Olive was clearly the pig of the two and she lost by a wide margin. She looked like shit in that Dora the Explorer longsleeve (Target Kids) while Violet absolutely glowed. Honestly. What was Borat thinking dressing his hog-daughter like that, in the very SAME top that the cherubic Affleck child was born to wear? Maybe it was another one of his undercover comedy bits. Probably was. That borat has ice water in his veins. He’ll even let his own disgusting, craven pig of a child get photographed and cruelly and capriciously compared to a much more beautiful child in a vapid and horrible magazine while mongaloid pseudo journalists make comments about her as long as his movie gets a laugh. Great Success!!! I can’t wait to see the next Borat movie. It’s gonna be awesome if this is any indication of his level of dedication. You know what borat character I hate though? that smug Englishman who’s always winning awards and walking around with the fuck puppet from Bridefuckers or whatever that movie was called. That guy hardly says anything funny at all. Hey borat! Stick to the fags and the foreigners from funny countries, please! Thanks.
Okay, where was I? Oh yeah. I’m deliriously tired and I’m gonna take a nap, which is dangerous, because I’ve GOT TO get our Tshirt designs out today or there’s gonna be no new shirts at our show (and I still need to design them! Yipes!!!) but first I’m gonna tell you about the first concert I ever saw…It was the Dead Milkmen at the metro when I was twelve. That was a while ago. The last (most recent) concert I ever saw was…that’s right assholes, the Dead Milkmen at the Metro. Full circle! That’s it! I’m never watching live music again. My life should, nay MUST! Be lived in perfectly cylindrical poetry. Look out Julie Morelli! You’re gonna be the last person on earth I ever bang! Look out floor of Barnes hospital! You’re gonna be the last place I ever crap! Look out sweet embrace of dark, dreamless sleep! I’m on my way. You get the idea, right? Good.
For the love of god, I’m tired. Stupid band practice and baby combination.
Oh, and the Dead Milkmen played too much funk. After the show I tried to punish them but once I got past “great show” I had nothing to say, cuz let’s be honest, it was just all right. How do you comment on how great it was if there weren’t really any great moments, you know?
Joe was wearing snow pants or something. And they played “Right Wing Pigeons” second. Who wants to see that? No one likes that song, dudes. Where’s “Life is Shit?” Where’s “Bad Party?” Where’s fucking “Takin Retards to the Zoo?” I mean, come on.
Okay, that’s it. I’m out. If you have great tshirt designs for me, send a high res image to my inbox by the end of the day and I’ll make em. Otherwise, we’re all fucked. It’s on you, now Dogs of War. Don’t let yourselves down.
Off to bed.