Thursday, October 29, 2009

mornin'

I’m sitting here buck naked. I’m at the window. If my neighbor exits his house, as history has time and time again proven he will, he’s gonna have no choice but to look in here and see me typing at the kitchen table, completely naked. I need to get a tuxedo fitting this morning before work, but that’s not why I’m naked. That’s why I’m typing this an hour early and why I’ve blown off my shower and THAT’S why I’m naked. I don’t have time for this bullshit today, clothes…neighbors. I’m gonna have to be naked, bosses, customers. Fucking eh, man. (that’s the Canadian way to say Fucking A, just by the weigh).
So yeah, I was thinking I’d figure something great and profane out this morning, like what is really going through the mind of a porn actress when she’s sitting there begging for the big greasy dude that’s just fucked her in the ass to come all over her face. I bet it's not "oh finally!" I'm guessing it's something more like “jesus, I’m almost done with this horrible job. Just blow your gross load so I can get a rag and head over to the cocaine table.”
Well, honestly, I don’t know. I sense a little genuine enthusiasm there on occasion, which, let’s be honest, is both odd and awesome.
I was watching man vs food last night and my wife was wondering if he hates his job. I would hate that job, but I think if you’re the right type of guy it would be amazing. Just gorging every night and being a general pig. Kind of similar to being a male pornstar, really. People think what you do is gross and immoral, but when it’s all said and done, it’s pretty fun. Sure you have to ignore some basic truths and all that, but hey, if you’re into living in the now and not really having to answer to your parents, well, Man Versus Food or Buttfuck Sluts Prime Cuts number 22 could be the job for you, I guess.
Look. I can’t really write this today. The baby’s diaper pail is full, my ribs are killing me, I’m naked, I’ve got to get my measurements taken for a tux (I tried writing in 9” dong, but they said they needed more precise measurements. I said how fucking precise do you want me to get? Centimeters? Cuz that’s un-American.)
I think my point here is proven. Namely, this morning is a dreaded hellscape. My kid’s about to spill French toast on some Chihuahuas….sigh.

18 comments:

planespotting said...

better than biting them, eh?

mad_adam said...

I've often wondered what goes through the mind of one of those relatively attractive, young girls who is just entering the porn industry, doing some kind of pseudo amateur online porn with the same camera angle, a beej, two positions and then a load in the face. Is she thinking about how her dad is going to feel when he accidentally starts jerking it to his daughter, or when her step-dad purposely starts jerking off to his step daughter? Probably. The new thing in the porn industry that boggles me is all of this new "real ex girlfriend" porn where guys submit pictures of their exes doing awful things or picture of hot girls and then photoshop a load on their face. I really hope that girls never find out about this particular genre of porn, otherwise the few girls that are willing to send us guys clambox pictures will stop in fear of ending up in the same fate as the girls in the girls gone wild commercials. Whatever, at least it's better than cartoon porn.

Jesus said...

Fucking eh, eh?

Fun fact: ALL Canadians live in igloos and have a pet walrus or polar bear.

Mark said...

Don't forget milk comes in bags there

wilddanimal said...

And Canada is full of women who look like Cobie Smulders. No joke, they really are thinner and more attractive, on average.

Kyle Krische said...

In Canada the real ex girlfriend site was started by real ex girlfriends. weird.

Banana@1000MPH said...

In Canada, real ex-girlfriends masturbate to pictures of YOU!

Sean said...

I heard all Canadians just drink and play music all day, like The Flatliners.

Blake said...

The Constantines love Tim Horton's. I served them donuts and coffee a few years ago.

kylewagoner said...

Man, I got nothin', either. I wish porn wasn't for some reason intriguing.

love,
Kyle

I Love Neil said...

Happy 10th! You guys are amazing. I'm glad you had fun and everything went well. When can we see the footage? I seriously can't wait to see you on the west coast! Tell Neil to watch out... this time no fuckin around... he WILL be mine! It's no coincidence we have the same name... it's fate...

Craig said...

competitive eating isn't easy.

Gregory said...

you were mentioned in the new menzingers interview which can be found on punknews.

Banana@1000MPH said...

I don't know if people need to be logged in or not to see it, but here's a clip from the Larry Arms DVD:

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=540215910908&ref=nf

Sean said...

yea, that video is awesome!

that's me in the orange miami shirt at 0:22 and 2:25

.... fuckin sick...

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=540215910908&ref=nf

Corbin said...

Man, I missed out on a great show. This video is salt in the wounds, man, salt in the motherfucking wounds.

So when are we going to be able to obtain that sweet DVD? Very soon, I hope!

Corbin said...

Word verification: Exicaph.

Possible definition? All the good bands that have left and/or are leaving Epitaph because that label sucks ass now.

~die~ said...

Love the clip! Brendan's never looked sexier. Can't wait to see you at the Troub!