Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Here I am! Unky Moe's! Thank you ma'am!

There’s this place in Chicago called the Tilted Kilt. It’s a chain, so there’s probably one in your town too. I was told that it’s like Hooters, but it’s Scottish themed, so all the chicks have pasty, fishbelly beer guts and jacked up teeth and they try to fight you if you’re in there after 3pm when everyone descends into shitfaced depravity. Nah, I’m kidding. It’s like hooters but the waitresses wear tartan miniskirts and bikini tops. That’s really the only difference. The girls are dressed slightly sluttier than they are at hooters. Which, if you’re into that kind of thing, is pretty okay, I guess.
Well, the whole thing sounded a little ridiculous to me. Not in a bad way, but more in a “really? I gotta see this for myself” kind of way. So yesterday I decided to take my bike downtown and have a beer at ‘the Kilt’ and see what all the rhubarb was about, so to speak. My personal assistant agreed to meet me there and we decided to have an “anthropological outing with secretly puerile subtext that we could explain away as bemused disbelief that no one would truly believe, but that no one would really care enough to challenge either.” Not bad. Seemed pretty airtight, I thought.
Well, this place is at least 8 or so miles from my house and I took the lakefront bike path, so I actually rode more like 13 miles, especially because I overshot it by a pretty fair margin because I was enjoying the lakefront and not really too worried about being early. Well, right as I’m at my farthest point from my house, and only about a quarter of a packed, trafficky urban mile from the Tilted Kilt, where my personal assistant was, in theory, waiting for me, I got a phone call. It was my wife. The baby, it seems, had been biting and I had to go pick him up. The daycare, mind you, is right by my house, many miles from where I found myself at that moment, so this meant I had to race back, get our car and get to the daycare by 130. If I didn’t, we’d start receiving fines at the not unoutrageous fare of ten bucks a minute.
This presented a quandary. I was RIGHT THERE at the meeting point, and my assistant was just going to be stuck waiting for me forever surrounded by strippers carrying baskets of hot wings with no indication that I wasn’t coming (because bringing the kid to that place is out of the question). I couldn’t call him because his phone is a…uh, what’s the technical term? Piece of shit? Are they still saying that? Okay, right. His phone is a piece of shit, so the chances of him receiving any phone calls were slim, even in the best of circumstances, and as a result, he almost never carries it with him. Downtown, in the Chicago loop, phone service is horrendous for everyone. My assistant’s phone, if he even had it on him (unlikely), didn’t stand a chance.
The time was 1208. I made the executive decision that I would hurry to the Tilted Kilt, find my personal assistant, let him know that I had to go get the kid, and relieve him of his afternoon duties and leave him free to hang out in the loop with all the other businessmen, ogling women and eating pubstyle nachos.
I made it to the Tilted Kilt at 1222. The place is huge and it’s got shit all over the walls and it’s got absolutely NO female patrons and the girls are indeed dressed in some of the skankiest outfits that the world has ever seen. The girls also shared the common feature of all having kind of pigfaces. I know the theme is ‘scottish’ but really, skinny girls with big (often fake) cans and mangled faces in plaid miniskirts and bikini tops calls to mind semi professional pornography more than Scotland, which let’s face the facts, is probably a good thing for a restaurant. I’d rather eat the craft services at a porn shoot than have a meal anywhere in the UK. Much more appetizing. Just sayin’.
Okay, my assistant hadn’t shown up yet, so I decided I’d wait for ten minutes. That would be 1232. I’d have 58 minutes left to ride my bike home and get the car and pick up the boy. Should be doable.
They had a pretty lame beer selection so I ordered a bottle of coors light and kind of watched everything just happen. But I wasn’t enjoying myself at all. I was thinking about how far I was from home, how crossing the river on a bike is a pain in the ass everywhere (except on Montrose just east of California, but that’s totally irrelevant) and how, were I to miss my deadline for picking up the kid, the truth would inevitably come out that I got the call that he needed to be picked up, and THEN I went to the not-quite-a-titty-bar for a beer before I went and picked him up. Never mind that it was all perfectly logical. It’s not the kind of thing you can just explain, you know? It’s like when Jake Jarmel got in the accident and Elaine stopped in for the Jujyfruits. But arguably worse. Panic started setting in.
I called my assistant, just out of desperation and guess what? Go on, guess. This story gets pretty boring after this, so guess something good.
Nah. He answered. I told him that I had to bail and then I rocketed home and got the kid with ten minutes to spare. We spent the rest of the day walking the dogs and playing with magnets and books. That kid, man. He’s a real dream killer. Today, we’re gonna go to the strip club just to up the ante, and if he fucks around today, tomorrow we’re going to a whorehouse, and if he fucks around tomorrow, we’re gonna get some chloroform and hang out in the bus station.
Nah. We’re going to meet my friends for lunch and then I’ve got some intern interviews to conduct and then band practice tonight. It’s not too late to send in your application for the internship here at BSC. Check yesterday’s post (“No, you’re a turd”) for details.
Cheers, everyone.

63 comments:

Kevin Burnett said...

Dan posted another new track for The Emergency Room.

http://www.myspace.com/theemergencyroom911

Scott said...

BEST TITLE EVER!

Brian said...

@Kevin

yawn

earnyoursleep said...

so, totally unrelated, but...

a friend heard from a friend of a friend that the first 150 people at the doors at the metro on the 24th get an invite to the afterparty with the band.

elaborate.

KypPineapple said...

10 DOLLARS A MINUTE!? Dude, you need a new daycare. Honestly, you'd think they'd have a little more compassion when it comes to the whole biting issue because, well, how do you wean your child from doing that in the first place? Shove a bar of Irish Spring in their mouth after every incident so they associate the taste of human flesh with gingers?
Anyways, some dude on here associates biting with fingering so lets hope he doesn't make the connection with your kid....

ak said...

for what it's worth regarding the shit talking post...that particular post had to do with shit talking, so naturally the first instinct is to talk errrrrr type shit. Come on!! It was a theme, but don't worry we still have plenty of time to type shit all while listening to pansy division records. One side can rant "you're gayyyy" while the other side retorts with "homophobes are just pissed because they can't get laid." Then we can all work out a plan to car pool to the next Larry Arms show, but instead of going to the show we can go to a really cool parking lot: listen to D4 records, drink beers, and masturbate in socks. Then we can throw them all in a drawer.

Manny Los Gatos said...

I'm old, so I'm sure this is already all over the message board, but if not, here you go.

http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=bad%20sandwich&docid=1116243493106&mid=E7D1B46C89DE71A85EAEE7D1B46C89DE71A85EAE&FORM=VIVR#

dustyfloors said...

@earnyoursleep

Yeah. First 150 people 21 and up get an afterparty pass. It's on the balcony of the Metro after the show is over. They give you beer tickets and some za.
At least that's how it went down with HWM when they did the same thing.

earnyoursleep said...

@dustyfloors

fucking awesome. i know for a fact they did that when lucero played a few years ago.

but i wasn't 21 :(

Jayzilla said...

i bet taking a baby to titty bar would be an awesome idea..

he'd be the ultimate wingdude

FranklinStein said...

Oh! how you've changed from your days of passing thoughts of exercise while you laugh in the face of good health! Every post it seems you mention how you need to exercise. Fuck I hope you play that song at the anniversary show; some of your best lyrics.

Robb said...

Well by Jove! Dan did post a new ditty for new project...that Kevin was (shockingly!) too fucking inept to locate on his own. Um..what else..I did think about reprimanding you for this 'gem':
"Word Verification: Retrogo - makes me think of what happens to Robb's dong when he sees an attractive female."

...Buuut it's just already been so utterly David vs. Goliath (you're David)...except the way that scenario always pans out in real life, not that glorified D&D book the bible.

Robb said...

Oh, also - though I'm usually above classic "meathead maneuvers"...it's fairly clear, seeing as you barely stand your ground on interweb, you're clearly the sort of chickenshit dildo whom would keep his dumb, Harvey Milquetoast mouth shut in an actual face-to-face encounter. Buuut, as with your pal Kyp--who's clearly just your cooler older brother, btw...you're more than invited to a Fest 'meet n' greet'.

Kevin Burnett said...

Robb, if I ever had the misfortune to meet you in person, you're right... i would keep my mouth shut because I'd be too busy grinding your face into the sidewalk. And you can believe that.

jbody said...

hmm...I wonder if brendan would find robb just beating the shit out of kev or pineapple at a show a lame display of small unit compensatory fratiness or some ultra confident visceral throwback to the way "dudes handled shit before you could hide behind a digital template".Im not entirely sure what my own position is.Would it be a mike ness move or a vince neil move?I guess both are pretty cool actually."sometimes we beat the fuck out of em"!."axl I wanna challenge you to a fight".n/m vince neil is a shit biscuit.btw I read kyp as younger and less cool than kev but thats kind of like saying static x rock harder than powerman 5000

Robb said...

"Now that's the type of clear-cut, physical invite an ignorant, beer-swilling, outclassed meathead like myself really responds to!" thought Kevin, as he did that thing where you try to catch grapes in your mouth.

Kevin Burnett said...

Robb couldn't bust a grape in a fruit fight.

jbody said...

wow kev,you went there didnt you?Robb is rarely at a show that im not so I can almost promise that you will never assist him in any exfoliation ever.

Kevin Burnett said...

I don't know if anyone agrees with me, but I find it pretty amusing that 10 minutes of effort on my part has kept Robb's period flowing for three straight days. Just sayin'.

Robb said...

Well now, do keep in mind roughly half my retorts have been to your 'other half' Kyp, who dutifully "laid me out" with "verbal slayings" as you coached him over the phone eating PB&J's. (Sowwwy Bwendan, it's a weeeal circus!)

jbody said...

well,your constant battle with dht probably doesnt leave much time for robb but your friend fanned the flames so...

Capt Murdock said...

Hey Kevin can you edit your post about giving Robb the ol' concrete facial. I think you should have gone all Martin Lawrence and ended it with a "BELIEED DAT!" instead of the vanilla "believe that".

Just trying to urban the drawer up a bit ya' know. I mean how many white socks can you honestly have?

admp said...

If everyone's coming to the 10th, do you guys think you could save the fight for right after the after-party? Or just before it? I don't want anyone to get thrown out of the Metro and miss the show, but I do love to watch a fight.

/will not be fighting anyone because I'm built like Gumby.

Drew said...

i'd pay to see robb vs. kevin duke it out!

admp said...

Ok guys, I'm officially taking bets on Kevin v Robb I. Hopefully this can be an annual tradition, if they both survive.

Oh, and the loser has to buy everybody a bottle of Malort's. Mmm.

Banana@1000MPH said...

loser has to buy this "kids bracelet":

http://failblog.org/2009/10/06/bracelet-fail/

admp said...

WOW on the "bracelet".

Robb said...

Not really sure that's the best form of punishment, seeing as that's something I must just wear randomly anyway to be "a pseudo-intellectual fuckwad smartass jerk-off" anyhow.

Capt Murdock said...

Robb I'm not sure that bracelet was meant to be "wear".

Robb said...

Yeah, but can't you see a "smartass jerk-off" fashioning a makeshit bracelet from those (after cleansing)? I can.

Capt Murdock said...

*be "worn"

I stink and I apologize.

Robb said...

You smell amazing

KypPineapple said...

Alright guys, game's over. Jbody totally got me. I am indeed twelve, watch American Idol religiously, and only stumbled across this blog cause my big brother Kevin doesn't delete his browsing history (tho he totally leaves me some awesome girl-on-girl porn to masturbate to, hey-oh!). To be honest, I think the Lawrence (Larry? you guys are confusing) Arms sounds like a talentless version of that dude with the growl-ly voice from Rise Against...or am I thinking Atreyu? Oh well.
But, uh, on a more serious note, apologies for opening my mouth to begin with cause my big bro is getting all the undeserved shit. Peace?

jbody said...

That was super funny but seriously, who is older?

Capt Murdock said...

jbody. I think you meant Mike Nez not Mike Ness.

Noah?

J.A.F. said...

call a truce on this epic battle! it's starting to look like a soulseek chatroom in here.

afterparty? i'll be there.

Blake said...

What fuck does a baby have to do with fingering a cat, kyp? Is there no end?

Mike said...

Well after reading this fucking thing daily for about 8 months I guess I am going to be another crusty sock in this drawer......and Im agreeing with scott that the title is solid.

jbody said...

the soulseek chatroom comment reminds me of when someone compares a light beer they find brackish to cat piss or something.How do ya know what cat piss tastes like weirdo?

KypPineapple said...

Hmmm...I might have mentioned (or hinted) at my age in one of my blogs (PLUG!), and while I thought about revealing it on here for a fraction of a second, my better senses told me that that would take all the fun out of the mystery. Same goes for if I posted my picture. Just wouldn't be the same for those of you who already have a humorous image of me formed in your minds.
Speaking of humor, Blake, yours is on a level located right between Dane Cook and Carlos Mencia. In other words, anyone should have the right to kill you on site if you ever open your mouth to crack a "joke" (and god help them if you do).

jbody said...

ok,so you're younger than kevin.cool,thought so

J.A.F. said...

hahaha... jbody, uhh, im just GUESSING that it's like a soulseek chatroom... nah, i admit i been in there a few times. it's pretty disgusting. lotta racists.

never had cat piss but once i took a sip of iced tea and felt something strange in my mouth. it was just a giant centipede. huge and clinging to the roof of my mouth.

KypPineapple said...

Yeah, but only by twelve years. Not that big of a deal.

Blake said...

You might be right, kyp. The whole cat fingering gag has been run dry. But it was original (well, that might be reaching)...I didn't steal it from any other comedians like Mencia or Cook would have done. I'm throwing in the towel (leaving showbiz), because I have way too many typos anyway.

BTW, I'm pretty sure Brendan doesn't need you to tell him how to run his live. I'm pretty sure he's aware of his daycare situation, that's why he was ranting about it. I don't think he was looking for advice from KypPineapple.

Drunken Acorn said...

Is it werid I look forward to the sock drawer more then the blog now, keep it up guys. Blake don't listen to the naysayers I found the cat fingering jokes hilarious.....well now that I think about it I have the maturity of a 10 year old so that makes sense.

Robb said...

Relax Blake...BK in fact just drunk dialed me (has my # from Fest 7) and slurredly revealed that both Kevin and Pineapple Willy are in fact ingenious comedic apparitions created by Toby Jeg and himself. Sigh~...Those KLOWNS!! *chuckles heartily*

Daniel said...

i need a job. I want to be an intern. I would send a pic but I think that would be considered child porno. What's the email?

KypPineapple said...

What?! Who doesn't want or need advice from KypPineapple!? Besides, when I said BK needed to find a new daycare, I kind of meant it in the way that would illicit a response of, "yeah, man, I know," or "you're telling me!" I'm sorry if it came off as "BK, you whiny little bitch! Pull the sand out of your vagina and find a new daycare already! I'm tired of reading this shit!" Plus, I kind of feel like you're just straining to find something to bitch about when it comes to my posts. I mean, this is the comments section of his blog involving BK's shitty relationship with his kid's daycare...I thought I might just comment on that.
Not that any of it matters now that pseudo-intellectual-fuckwad Robb has given away my true identity. Asshole.

Robb said...

For what it's worth I am sorry - for letting that little cat out the bag and dubbing you Pineapple Willy in lieu of your real fake name. What is the origin of the monicker? Is the backstory a pleasant mixture of wryly amusing and boring?

Blake said...

Please, for your sake, don't GO there, Robb! He might inform everyone in the sock drawer that you're true/full name is that of a Latin woman's.

Blake said...

Along with attacking my unfortunate use of "you're" instead of "your" at that. That of which, I am completely guilty of.

Bridgett said...

Wait. You have a real intern? Shit, how do I get that job? I get paid to do stupid shit for people now, but you seem much more interesting than a car dealership.

J.A.F. said...

dude, blake, you were talking about your "your/you're" mistake and then you ended that sentence with a preposition.

not hatin, just thought it was kinda funny

Toto said...

woah! i've been away 2 days and i missed all this bitching and fighting...awesome!

GO Robb!!! i got your back, just don't fart.

ok,peace guys, let's just use the internet for disgustingly perverse pornography, stalking, stealing music and disgustingly perverse pornography and maybe a little disgustingly perverse pornography.

Toto said...

PD- here P stands for PRE data.

oh, and soulseek chatrooms are full of nazis, i mean, fighting over the internet and comment sections is funny at least, but chatroom fascism is one of the worst "internet behaviors" ever,even worst than child porn(no, not really).
do this nazis ever get laid? i see nazis as virgins, who would fuck a nazi? i wouldn't, even if Scarlet Johanson told me she is one but needs me to fuck her brains out, i wouldn't, ok... maybe anal and some facial cumshot, but that because it's kinda disrespectful and demeaning to do so.but no love.

PD - and here P stands for POST data.the more you know!

J.A.F. said...

toto,

i'm related to people living in argentina. (same last name) youre right about the soulseek shit.

(chicago) dogs of war,

we should all have a whiskey circle. email me

Toto said...

J.A.F:

is Ariel his first name? i knew one in music production school i think.
this is weird...

admp said...

Chicago,

Let's drink Malort's. Beeks loves it.
Look it up.

J.A.F. said...

toto,

yeah man! italy, usa, argentina. we're everywhere.

admp,

i'll drink malort. you going to the anniversary show?

Josh said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Josh said...

Kevin Burnett: Internet Tough Guy

I heard makeing threats of violence over the internet makes you cool c/d?

WHY NO EDIT BUTTON BLOGGER WHY?

Drew said...

man this drawer has gotten dull. I miss the days of 12-25 solid comments... not 61 of complete horse shit!

Lets take it back!

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