Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Hey, wanna hear a song?

Hey, woah! I almost forgot all about you guys today. I was just sitting here trying to figure out what to do on the internet in the brief time before my baby wakes up and the cleaning lady arrives and we have to leave, not even considering that it was already creeping on high noon and I hadn’t put my favorite mustard colored letters on my favorite turd flavored background yet. I’m getting old. Soft, weak and old.
Yesterday I interviewed a few potential interns, then last night, my band practiced. I didn’t get home until one in the morning. Today, I started out exhausted, but a bike ride and a healthy breakfast (grilled dog dicks on a 7 grain cibatta roll) seems to have gotten the lead out nicely. Today, I think we’re gonna hit the zoo. It’s chilly, but it may be our last chance to check those beasts out for a while. Right now, my kid calls every single animal “izzy” after his dog (the Business Monkey). By next spring, he’s gonna be saying ‘monkey’ and ‘cow’ and shit like that, and well…let’s be frank, the excitement of him figuring stuff out, while cool, may not match the awesome hilarity that is him calling a tiger ‘Izzy.’ I dunno. Maybe you have to be there. Trust me, though. It’s funny. Bobby Collins funny. That’s right. Google him if you don’t know. He’s the future of comedy, and by future I mean crappy past.
Tonight is a party at the L and L tavern. I’ve got my parents watching my kid and I’m gonna go down there and I may even play some acoustic songs, although I don’t know how well that’s gonna work out for a few reasons.
1. I haven’t had time to practice or prepare at all, so it’s gonna be one of those situations where I just kind of wing it and it’s either gonna be awesome or terrible.
2. I don’t think they’re getting a PA or anything, and if it’s just me with a guitar in the corner, it’s gonna be pretty hard not to wind up looking like that dildo at the party who pulls out the guitar and bums everyone out until some fat poet chick mercifully takes him off and blows him just to get him out of there.
I hate that guy. Guitar guy at the party, take note: You are the worst guy there. There is NO worse thing to do while people are hanging out than force them to listen to your music while you stare at them and awkwardly attempt to prove yourself. It sucks. Ass. Period. If your friends really want to hear you play guitar, believe me, they’ll ask you. If they don’t ask, they don’t want to hear it. Promise. I remember that my friend Pete (Pete! Pete!) did this amazing version of ‘the band played waltzing matilda’ by the Pogues and when we got drunk, we’d all go, “pete, will you please play that song? Please!?!?!?” and every once in a while he would. See. That’s the other thing. You can’t just drop everything and start playing every time. Make it an event, because, to go back to my earlier example with Pete, if he was ALWAYS playing that shit every time anyone cracked a few beers, we’d all eventually get sick of it, and he’d become that guy. BUT, he didn’t and as such, he’s one of the only people who I get excited to see pick up a guitar in a casual setting. You can only sit there and watch a drunk Matt Skiba slur his way through “Ball and Chain” so many times, you know?
Anyway.
That’s a good topic, innit? The worst people at the party. We’ve already got guitar dude. He sucks. Um, who else sucks?

Coke Party Bathroom Hoarders- Uh, hey, we all know what you guys are doing in there, but I’ve gotta piss and I’m pretty sure this chick is about to barf, so how bout we admit the emperor wears no clothes and you guys just get out of the bathroom and do your coke in the garage or something so I don’t have to pee in this plant, kay?

The Guy Who Pulls Out His Dick- I actually like this guy. That shit is funny almost all the time.

The Chick Who Gets Totally Bummed Out At ‘Guy Who Pulls Out His Dick’- Come on, lady. Lighten up. Haven’t you ever been to a party before? That guy’s always here. Ride the wind a little.

Passed Out Girl- There she is, on the couch. Bummer. Someone should call her boyfriend or her roommate. Stand there. Watch closely, because Passed Out Girl is like a truth serum, or the glasses in “They Live” or something, because she will expose who the pervs and creeps in your circle of friends are. I mean, when’s the last time Steve offered to give any of us a ride home? Now suddenly he’s all chivalrous? Pretty gross, Steve. Even for you.

Loud Politics Man/Loud Politics Woman- Hey! This is a fucking party. If I wanted to talk about the sexist hegemony and the myth of blackness I’d be somewhere boring hanging out with your bad smelling friends eating dumpstered hummus. You’re blocking my path to the keg. Thank you. Also, keep it down. So you disagree with something. You don’t sound like a confident master of forensics, you sound like a drunk loudmouth who doesn’t know when to stuff it up his/her ass.

Mischievous Guy- Yes, brah! Way to stick it to the man…wait, that’s not quite right. There’s no arbitrary and oppressive authority here, just someone who was nice enough to have a party in their house and dumb enough to invite you. You shit in the oven? What the fuck is wrong with you? Oh, it impresses your homies? Cool. Here’s a little piece of advice, if your friends think that kind of shit is funny, they’re complete mongaloids, and if you’re doing that kind of shit for their approval, well, you’re kowtowing to a bunch of monagloids, making you what? I don’t even know if there’s a word for that level of retardation.

Okay, well, my baby is awake and I think the cleaning lady’s getting close, so I’m gonna leave this at that. Have a good day. I probably won’t be writing the next couple of days due to some other big engagements, so try, try, try to keep on keeping on, man.
Thanks.
Oh, yeah. And as for the fighting in the sock drawer. I was wrong. It’s lame. Just make lots of comments. Stop the fussin and the feudin, cool? Cool. You guys are so bad at fighting it’s embarrassing everyone. Not your fault. You’re dorks. Actually, that Jbody guy had some good jabs. Still dorky, but hey, whatever. Okay, I’m out.
XO

52 comments:

Capt Murdock said...

My kid calls everything from a Volvo to a rollercoaster to a snail to a CD a car.

Unfortunately he doesn't actually say "car". He just makes a hard C sound. That dude really needs to up the intelligence!

dustyfloors said...

Hey Bren, no time re: party at L&L. I guess I'll just show up after my girl gets off work but if I miss some awkward acoustic, PA systemless jamming I may approach you drunk at the bar, confess my love and then get a bit angry and suggest you buy me a beer for not posting the time on this thing.

Love,
Jim

admp said...

This post has left me with "Tom Traubert's Blues" stuck in my head.

Also, this morning I woke up screaming and trying to drag a pillow I thought was my girlfriend to the surface because I had a dream we were in a bus that crashed into a river. Just thought I should mention that.

Jayzilla said...

wait -- im confused, upperdecking toilets isnt cool anymore?

weird

http://www.thesockdrawer.org

ak said...

I have to say the "kid's bracelet." What the fuck!! If there is even a chance it's true....hehe.

I don't know if this party person has been mentioned, but "music changing guy." Don't get offended ladies, you too can be the offender. When you are at a party music is a great thing. Sometimes it can be a great sing along, sometimes the music can suck, but please spare me from changing the music every thirty seconds in the middle of the song because you are drunk and you want everyone to listen to every thing you have been listening to for the past year in five minutes...just sayyyin

Moose said...

hahahaha. Oh, man... BSC was great today. I'm sitting at the bar in a little restaurant and people are giving me weird looks for laughing so hard. The Steve thing killed me.

Nick said...

So true...The guy who pulls out his dick is always funny.

Banana@1000MPH said...

The guy who shits in the oven is funny in theory. It is totally fucked up and I would hate the person, but I heard this story about some guy at the college I almost went to that would just microwave his shit in the community microwave for the dorms - and, well, it doesn't sound funny now, but I couldn't stop laughing when I first heard it. Of course I would hate that guy if I used that microwave.

Banana@1000MPH said...

I guess, maybe, imagine some guy squatting in front of a microwave trying to shit directly into it - as opposed to carrying shit to the microwave. Wait, both sound kind of funny.

Kevin Burnett said...

My next door neighbors in college had a beer pong table they used to keep out on the front porch/stoop of their house and one Sunday morning we came outside and there was a perfectly coiled dooker right in the middle of it. We all thought it was pretty funny.

Drunken Acorn said...

Good post, but BK forgot garden gnome stealing guy. someday I'll find that bastard and make him pay for stealing my gnome.

Drunken Acorn said...

And why is it everyone knows a creepy guy named steve. werid.

Manny Los Gatos said...

I'm gonna be right by the L and L at the Butthole Surfers portion of Riot Fest. I'd like to stop in, but my concert buddy has to work tomorrow or has some important meeting. I guess he's not part of the lucky 10%.

christa! said...

Oh man, I dated loud politics guy and he was defiantly the type to dumpster dive for hummus. That and get into fistfights with people who didn't agree with him. I have remarkably terrible taste in men.

Kyle said...

I'll try to make it out tonight, I've got class early in the morning tomorrow though.

Robb said...

I'd be more jealous of your JBody propz were he not an actual real-world acquaintance of mine. Yeah he is funny as fuck (perhaps more so than you, BK! ..Nah, definitely) and makes a mean queso dip to boot. Oven shitting's sorta gross but what about...shitting the COATS?? "HaaAa-haaa!"

Matt said...

A few from my college days:

Toucher Guy - He gets super wasted and wants to be your best friend, even if he doesn't know you. He feels the need to keep putting his arm around you and spitting/sweating on you while he talks about god knows what right into your ear.

Music Guy - He will look for and find the houses record collection, going through it and commenting on how you don't have some of the "classics". This guy is usually only bringing up weird indie music only 14 people have ever heard anyway, because remember, the less people who have heard of a band, the cooler they are, right?

J.A.F. said...

i felt a twisted sense of approval after reading that the guy who pulls his dick out at parties is funny. that's me boys and girls. try it if you want to freak out the squares.

jbody said...

The whip out maneuver strangely seems so much more desperate and unfunny when someone pulls out a hefty bloodclub rather than just an average textbook wang which ironically hangs a bit smaller than the flaccid dong illustrations in actual high school health class textbooks.Oh,that was waaay less dorky than yesterday

Sean said...

I would jizz all over Candice's breasts for a chance to hear Matt Skiba drunkenly slur "Ball and Chain."



... and vice versa.

Seagull Steve said...

Dude.....Waltzing Matilda is an epic song to do.....its super long and has a million verses. Pretty impressive.

Drew said...

Banana1000...

The thought of someone taking a shit in a communal microwave and nuking it, has to be one of the funniest/most repulsive things I have ever heard. Quite fucked up, but I could not stop laughing.

Robb said...

rhetorical question - in what scenario is the asinine interweb acronym "TLDR" ever not equally as dorky as an actual bona fide long post? *wink-wink-nudge*

Daniel said...

Sean, you dork. Both of those activities (jizzing on Candice's tits and listening to a drunken Matt Skiba play Social Distortion songs) are equally worthwhile: both sound like awesome things to do.

Steely Hoover said...

HELICOPTER!!!!!!!!

david said...

I concur with all party etiquette listed here.

Moxie. said...

Agreed with someone above- music-changing guy brings me to a blood-boiling fury and is the reason I lock my screen saver at parties. Don't touch my fucking iTunes. I don't come to your house and rearrange your refrigerator, do I?!

Keri said...

my boyfriend is totally the guy who pulls out his dick. at shows, at parties. anytime. thusly, i've become to chick that pulls out her titsnvag just to be on the same level as him.

is toby going to be there tonight? if not i'll be disappointed. i miss that guy.

Banana@1000MPH said...

i think thesockdrawer chat is designed for no one to hear my brilliant thoughts - or everyone over there hates me. Which one is it?

Sylvester Trombone said...

I am best friends with someone that you might consider one of those "whip your penis out at a party" guys. And by party, I mean a wedding reception. And by wedding reception, I mean HIS OWN wedding reception. It's always been hilarious but that's where we all drew the line and literally swarmed him on the dance floor and told him to put that shit away. I'm sure I will see it again this weekend. It doesn't really phase anyone anymore.

Bridgett said...

I would like to see a 'drunk people at concerts' entry. I personally don't understand how you can enjoy a band better when you're wasted, but I'd like to hear the Brendan Kelly side of it.

Robb said...

The best song on the new Cheap Girls record is All My Clean Friends. Anyone? No? K.

Steely Hoover said...

@ Sylvester

HELICOPTER!!!!!!!!!!

kylewagoner said...

haaaaaa Matt Skiba. I know who that is. He wrote on me one time...haaaaaaaaa funny. He wrote to Brendan on me. haaaaaaaaa

TheViz said...

Man, one of my buddies is definitely "The Guy Who Pulls Out His Dick". My ex-girlfriend was a "Loud Politics Woman". Fortunately, I'm self-conscious enough about my guitar ability when I'm drunk that I never play for people intoxicated unless somebody actually forces it into my lap.

laurabm said...

sean, that photo is amazing.
how about "drunk guy that gropes tattooed girls while looking at their work"? if you wanna see some bitch's tramp stamp you don't have to grab her hips to get a better look. or rub her arm dangerously close to her tittie to check out a piece there. this may be a narrow margin but it's def. there.

Sean said...

haha

Daniel - that is so very true... but I thought maybe if I phrased it in a way that sounds not-so-epic, then it might one day come to fruition...

Laurabm - thank you... I found it particularly hilarious...

Candice's Breasts said...

You guys flatter us so . . Look for us jiggling in the corner at the 10th anniversary show ( o Y o )

Also--I move that the last sentence of each post contain the word verification somewhere therein. Gotta go take a pingle.

Candice said...

i don't plan on staying in the corner. unless that's where the bar is.

Banana@1000MPH said...

I'm just stopping by, but I've off to see this new band called the "mulamen" (word verification hint) - they sing about mula-things.

Jesus said...

By the bar, with chest to spare. My kind of 'gal!

Yo, BK I was at work today goofing off on the net and swear I saw an accoustic CD with your name on it. Can anybody in the Sock Drawer or you confirm if it was you?

The cover was like stick people, one chick saying "Hey Brendan, play that song again!" And then you saying "NO!"

I mean it sounds like you. Is this something I've been missing?

dan638563 said...

You should play songs next time you are working the bar, the nights when I'm in there when your working you seem to have some free time. Better tips my friend. Also the guy next to you in those videos from the L and L show looks super confused.

Kevin Burnett said...

http://dogandponyshowprints.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/tomdanbrendanpost.jpg

Yo BK, what's up with the poster from that acoustic show you did with Andriano and Tom Gabel? I guess as far as mainstream radio play and such The Alkaline Trio and Against Me! have gotten more exposure, but I gotta imagine in terms of name recognition for the kind of people that came out to this show, you guys are equal draws right? Plus, don't tell Tom this, but your blog is WAY better than his...and he even does videos.

krewl said...

Any coke pro knows to do it in a wide open space. Then all the dudes there will know they'll never win a fight against you, and all the girls will know you can fuck like superman

Robb said...

Yeah! What is up with that artsy-farsty bullshit flyer!? People need to see the faces--lest they question if this is the same Kelly/Andriano/Gabel they love! I'd opt for an '80s buddy-cop flick treatment. Dan and Tom stand back to back, arms folded in cool definance. Tom's expression cries "loose cannon"--the Martin Riggs to Dan's Sergeant Murtaugh! Bren inexplicably 'hovers' behind them, his hands thrown up in a playful shrug--there's our Leo Getz! "The gang's all heEere!"

Robb said...

Bonus fun: Gauge the seriousness of my comment by percentage!

J.A.F. said...

Robb: 1.623% ?

J said...

Love it, Brendan. Love it. I just worked 12 hours 1000 feet underground, and this shit made me laugh my ass off, because I've met EVERY ONE of those people. 'Cept my 'mischievous guy" shit in the fuckin' washing machine.

J said...

Also, great "They Live" reference. That fight when Roddy Piper makes the black dude look through the glasses? Greatest fight ever, until the Jimmy-Timmy cripple fight...which was modeled on They Live. Zing.

minus said...

Yeah, I really hate the guitar guy. and the chimmey chummies who get "involved". They are all singing, to some song you don't even know or if you do, it fucking sucks anyways. "Say it aint so" really comes to mind. You then question why you hang out with such freaks, as it becomes one giant sing along. You at some point feel obliged to participate only to feel like a raging retard.

HipsterBologna said...

you might like this, I think it completely restores my love for creed.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ipy58SaIRhs

KypPineapple said...

I've never understood the "chick who gets bummed out over the dude who whips out his dick." A friend of mine came out carrying his older bro's birthday cake in only a pink thong. One chick got really mean about it, then started crying, and then vomited blaming it all on the thong and claiming she was "too old for all this shit" (she was 23). Honestly, who doesn't enjoy a random penis every once in awhile?