Friday, October 30, 2009

I'm afraid you're just too loud.

As far as I can tell, there are three types of time traveling that really bear talking about. First, there’s the regular old time traveling, as in: I’m currently traveling into the future at a rate of one second per second. Not terribly exciting, but it’s time travel. It’s like if you’re flying to LA and you have a 2 hour layover in the Kansas City airport. Not the dry rub ribs and burnt ends, hookers under the viaduct, line dancing at the Beaumont, Royals and Chiefs extravaganza you’ve probably always dreamed of, but technically, yeah, you were in Kansas City. That’s the way this first time travel works. It’s the technicality of space time quantum excitement (to misuse several words and theories) or the through-the-pants-handjob…no. the wet dream. No. Okay, maybe this one time there is no appropriate semen analogy. I don’t know. Readers, I throw it to you. How is dull old “into the future at one second per second” time travel like jizz? You guys will come up with something. That’s what you do. Anyway, enough jib jab about jizz. I’ve got two more types of time travel to get to and I’ve got about ten minutes until I have to leave for work (stupid regular time travel).
Up next is the good old fashioned Doc Brown school of time travel, involving deloreans and specific dates and some sort of grid or matrix or futuristic abacus-type dealie that the time traveler uses to pinpoint the exact moment she’s headed to. (I know, women don’t time travel this way. Not sexist. FACT. I’m doing my part for gender politics [and undoubtedly weakening the scientific value of this essay, but whatever] by imposing the female pronoun here even though you expected the male pronoun. Take that hegemony!) This time travel usually involves going into the past and making some trivial change that has sweeping consequences. Then, you go back to your own time and HOLY SHIT!!!!! There’s a new reality! Lots of people also zip way into the future (like uh…was it the memento/Priscilla queen of the desert dude who went way into the future and had to fight the moorlocks? Probably. Sounds like something he’d do), and I understand the temptation. See what goes on after you die. That’s pretty exciting shit, man. Also, you can’t fuck up the present or the future future, because presumably, this time trip is already built into the future’s continuum, it being the future and all. You still following me McFly? Good. This shit moves pretty quick. Pseudo science is no laughing matter. Anyway, I think the future trip is dumb for one big reason. Confidence. In the past, you’d have so much confidence you could pretty much bang your way through whatever era you chose. I mean, go to Woodstock and look at some group of filthy mondo bushed hippy chicks and say “Ritchie havens is gonna be on first. He’s gonna do a ten minute jam about a motherless child” and see what happens. Clam city. I don’t even need a time machine to predict THAT future of the past, or whatever you want to call it. Go to 1776 and scoop paul revere. You’re a hero. Anywhen you go, you’ve got the edge, man. There’s nothing that says confidence like being from the future. That’s why Marty’s mom couldn’t keep her hands off him, despite how gross we all thought it was. Okay, you get the idea. Problem is, you don’t know what you’re gonna bang into existence back there. Could end up turning your happy little apartment into a smoldering crater in the middle of a future/present shit swamp, you know? No. That’s right. With time travel, you never know. That segues nicely into time travel method number three:
Massive drunkenness. This is a truly out there form of time travel. One minute you’re saying “I bet you any amount of money I can chug this Singapore sling in fifteen seconds!” to some forty five year old woman at a Rockville Center motel bar and the next second you’re on some living room floor a day later with no pants on and a family you’ve never seen before is above you trying to eat breakfast and get the kids out the door. You’re covered in bruises. You’ve got a car key that you’ve never seen before and one dollar. Your wallet is gone but a note on your hand, scrawled in your handwriting in Sharpie says “Don’t forgit the fukkin CHICKEN!” That’s time travel, for you. Discombobulating and disturbing. Thrust into a future you don’t understand left with no tools with which to deal with anything. All you can do is go find those regular people who just lived their lives traveling the first, boring form of time travel and get them to tell you what you skipped over. You can’t go into the past with this method, though it’s reported that during time travel, most time travelers spend a lot of time talking about the past like it was “way fucking awesome.” This is probably the second most dangerous form of time travel, but every single one of these will eventually kill you. No shit.
Okay, it’s late and I have to go. My kid had Halloween at school and he’s dressed as satan. It’s real cute. His best buddy was gonna be Yoda, but he didn’t like the hat or the jacket, so he opted out of the festivities. Regardless, nothing cuter than toddlers in costumes. Huh. Pretty lame end to a science fiction post, man. Even for me.
Okay, I think the dude that filmed my band’s show has a little preview set up that he’s gonna post on line today. It’s still unmixed sound, and we all look disgusting, so don’t worry about telling us, we know all about it. Anyway, I’ll post the link when I get it, should be today or tomorrow at the latest. Or just google the shit. Dude’s name is travis.
Okay, into the future I go.
Later, queefs.

Edit- here's the link: http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=540215910908

27 comments:

Mark said...

Uh..oh..alright.

Candice said...

in my humble opinion, there can never be enough jib jab about jizz.

and i think this is the link you are talking about:
http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=540215910908&ref=share

someone posted it yesterday.

and you guys sound great and you look super hot.

that video is better than porn for me.

Mikey said...

That video is sweet. Need....more...

You forgot to talk about freezing yourself to get to the future.

Sean said...

Candice, yourr profile picture is better than porn for me.

planespotting said...

Here's a cray question - what if you go back in time, bang one of those hippie chicks who's so impressed that you called out the Richie Haven's jam that she just tears off your pants and has unprotected sex with you, gets knocked up with a girl, and then your daughter ends up shacking up with your dad and you're never born, thus you're never able to go back in time to nail the hippie chick and produce the offspring that shacked up with dad.

What about that!?

Candice said...

sean- i'm glad you like it. i aim to please.

jsin1981 said...

I'm working on a time traveling device right now that will allow me to go back in time to get tix to that show....Man it looked awesome from the preview. Guess I'll just have to wait untill the 7th in Hollywood. Any other socks going to make that show lets have a beer. Cheers!

Banana@1000MPH said...

planespotting, I believe you would end up with something like Roswell That Ends Well - except instead of having missing brainwaves so that the giant brains can't hurt you in other episodes (I need to rewatch Futurama, I hope that is right) it would end up with your daughter being in that situation and you not existing.

Fred said...

fucking sick guys, love it!

Blake said...

Planespotting. I also wonder if, by sheer bad luck, you banged said hippie chick, and in the future you end up banging you future daughter/granddaughter in present time without realizing it.

J.A.F. said...

Any Chicago socks wanna have a sock hop at Lilly's tonight? I'm playing solo there tonight.

Might be fun.


8 PM
Lilly's
2515 N Lincoln Ave

If you come, I'll give you a hug.

Joey

www.myspace.com/thegoddamnstoryofeverest

nd said...

I watched that video at work and have jizzed my pants. Please advise.

Vincent said...

I hate time traveling. It never works out for me. One time I woke up after a night of traveling and there was a girl in my bed. It was cool, but then I got nervous on how I got her in there. So I checked my ruffies, and all 150 were still there. Then I started getting really nervious. How did I get this girl into my bed? And then it struck me. What if she's dead? So real slowly I put my fingers on her neck. COLD AS A ROCK. I know, I know, if you were me you'd be nervous.

Not me, because when I wake up with a dead chick all I have to do is bury her... again.

(Yeah I wrote that joke. BOOOM!)

Sean said...

Candice, hearing you use "aim" and "please" in the same sentence is better than porn for me.

Richard said...

Hah, line dancing at the Beaumont.

God I despise Kansas City.

Drunken Acorn said...

BK you lost me after the first paragraph but it did remind me of that episode of futurama where Frye goes back to the 1950s roswell and bangs his grandma.

Jesus said...

Why can't I just time travel to when I'm at home with a computer with sound, or better yet, to tonight with my precious sixty of Jager?

This day has gone on for entirely too long, and looking at Candices ass over and over has done nothing to ease my woes. Happy friday!

Toto said...

i mentioned a time travel 2 posts ago, not really a big deal, went into the future and jerked off with the new fleshlight model.those thing got really great in 2019.

"There’s nothing that says confidence like being from the future"

admp said...

I kind of want to go to the future, but only so I can fuck with people. All I have to do is convince everyone the past is a giant cover-up protecting our alien overlords from vengeance while still allowing them to harvest our souls.

I'm fucked if there are aliens in the future though. I should probably just go save JFK or something.

dustyfloors said...

Mmmmmm that video preview is delicious!!!

Sean said...

HAPPPPYYYYY HALLOWEEEEEEEEN!!!

Banana@1000MPH said...

In the words of Eugene Mirman "invent a time machine, jerk off in it, and send it to Hitler. That's a dare!"

manintollbooth said...

When we went to vegas we called drinking the booze "time traveling." It also worked as a teleporter since we started drinking and all of a sudden we were on the other side of the strip.

Jerky said...

There's one scene in a famous german book where they fight about if time moves slower or faster if you're drunk. He sais it moves faster because it feels like it. She sais it moves slower because everything you do takes longer... I don't know who's right. Probably her.

EZB said...

i pulled that third form of time-travelling quite recently... a week ago, October 24, the day of the show... while one second i'm waiting patiently at around 1:30 p.m. roughly 20th person in line for the show and drinking some dangerously delicious sailor jerry's rum and diet cokes... Fast forward to about nine hours later when conciousness kicks back in and i'm sitting on a hospital bed, on the phone with my dad 900 miles away because my house number was one of the only numbers i was able to utter at the time. Luckily i was picked up by a good friend, but i was left with a black eye, a soar chest, a shit-load of unanswered questions and enough sorrow to feel a lake... NOT GOOD TIME TRAVELLING (this time anyway)... I missed the fucking show, had some sort of altercation with a bouncer and stumbled ten paces to the tavern next door to continue drinking. my lifeless body was passed out about 150 feet from my favorite band rocking out the greatest setlists i've ever seen!! Oh Chicago! you won this round, but i will be back... oh yes i will be back

Candice said...

hahaha ez you crack me up. luckily you have great friends like me to keep your 7 " safe (the album you pervs) and give you a hard hotel room floor to sleep on

EZB said...

ah yes... you are not forgotten, that 7" is the only substantial thing i have from that weekend, and that hard floor is the only reason i was able to exist above a zombie-like state sunday morning.. THANK YOU CANDICE