Good morning. Woke up with a case of the unidentifiable panics this morning. Not the best feeling. I don’t know what that’s all about, but every now and then, I start really freaking out for no discernable reason. I think, were I forced to venture a guess, it has to do with my job. Not only do I hate my job, but I hate that I spend time thinking about it, and I hate that I need it for money…AND it’s preventing me from doing anything else because it keeps me JUST complacent and busy enough that I can sort of just groove to the sticky sweet beat of self loathing and unease that being the kind of asshole who thinks he’s destined for better things working a crappy service job provides. Maybe it’s time to reassess my skill set, eh? Maybe I should quit…Nah. Quitters never win. I know! I’ll passive aggressively act shitty to everyone and bottle up my rage and disappointment in myself and take it out on internet porn and trips to the gym. That sounds like a plan. Okay, that’s settled. On to the next item of business.
My baby started talking. He says “uh-oh” and “izzy” which is the name of his dog, and “What’s this?” and “What’s that?” and he said banana yesterday when I pulled out a banana, but there’s been no repeat performance of that. Could be a fluke. He also said “Sesame Street” when I asked him what he was watching on TV, but that’s just so fucking mind blowingly out there that I’m ignoring it. There’s no way he learned all this talking yesterday, right? Well, he did. Next thing you know, he’s gonna be telling me to stuff it up my ass! He’ll do what he pleases, old man! Ah, they grow up so fast, you know?
Speaking of the father-son paradigm, there was an article on yahoo’s front page this morning about the quintessential American dad, Kfed. Apparently, according to the headline, his fans are shocked by his weight gain. This, everyone, is on the level of frogs falling from the sky, or the rivers running red with blood or locusts swarming into town on the apocalypse meter. Kfed’s FANS ARE SHOCKED AT HIS WEIGHT GAIN??????? Good fucking Christ! Okay, let’s talk about this for a second, if we could.
Kevin Federline is, make no mistake, a celebrity. My mom knows who he is. He’s also a dancer (apparently he’s awesome…I dunno) and a rapper. I’ve heard him rap, and it’s not good. It’s not the worst rapping I’ve ever heard, but it’s way WAY closer to the worst rapping I’ve ever heard than it is to the best rapping I’ve ever heard. Anyway, no surprise there, right? I don’t think anyone on earth thought that Kfed was gonna make a good album, but hey, he made it, right? That’s something.
The thing is, Kfed has a discernable talent (dancing) and he parlayed that into an unsuccessful but related artistic endeavor (hip hop) which makes him more of a legitimate star than Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Ali Lohan, Nicole Ritchie or any of those other drones. Plus, he married the most famous person in the world and made her flip the fuck out. I don’t know if I can go all the way and say Kevin is a performance art genius, but intentionality aside, he really did some pretty entertaining stuff with that divorce. What’s my point?
Well, my point, dogs of war, is that I’m not gonna go for that dumb obvious joke here, namely “Kfed has fans? That’s absurd!” because frankly, we live in a culture where much less talented and interesting people are hugely successful, even if it’s not exactly clear what they’re successful at. Nicole Ritchie is a great example of this. What the fuck does she do? I mean, I know she lends her name to products and takes credit for writing books that she hires other people to write, but HOW DID SHE GET INTO THAT POSITION? The simple life? She was the fugly sidekick! I refuse to give that show the credit for her meteoric rise to wherever the fuck she is now. I dunno. Off topic. Where was I? Ah yes. Kfed.
Kfed is, make no mistake, a hillbilly loser from Fresno. He’s rich through marriage, and he’s famous because of his marriage, but BUT BUT!!!! He also does SOMETHING. Or he did. Apparently he hasn’t been dancing lately (except with pies), hence the big headline. Anyway, point being, he’s allowed fans. Dumb fans, sure, but what are you gonna do? I mean, is a Kfed fan > or < to a Juggalo? Hard to say. I’d say >, honestly. That’s beside the point.
My issues with this whole piece of news are many splendored and sort of ethereal. I mean, yeah. Kevin is fat. Who the fuck cares? Why do his fans care? Why do people give a shit what people dumb enough to classify themselves as “fans of Kevin Federline” think about anything, including Kevin Federline? And WHY for the love of god, WHY would anyone be surprised that that lazy choad got fat? He was always kind of a doughboy in training. Now he’s in his late 20’s and he’s got his two practice kids and the two rich ones and he doesn’t need to dance anymore (thank you, child support!) so of course he’s fat. Didn’t you Kfed fans watch “Chaotic”? That motherfucker just eats cheetos and drinks coke all day. Of course he’s a lard ass.
For this fucking inevitable weight gain, and the subsequent (completely inexplicable) shock of his dozens of fans, one of the biggest news outlets on earth creates a headline. Nice fucking world we live in. What’s next? “Fans of Tito Jackson look on in shock as he mourns the death of his brother”? I mean, good god, powers that be. You’ve done it. You’ve finally provided us with enough information that finding out what’s really going on is impossible. That’s some real Brave New World shit, man. We’re fucked. We’re all good and fucked, so uh, pass me some Cheetos, I guess. If I’m going down, I want them to have to break down the wall to get me out of my house.