Monday, August 4, 2008

anal is the new vaginal

Good morning and happy Monday! It’s currently eleven thirty, and I’m just now caffeinated enough to attempt to expound in any sort of intelligent manner. Last night, my bar got slammed. Blame it on the Lollapalosers, or the people still on a chili dog high from Warped Tour if you must, but there were also two birthday parties in the bar, and everyone was chugging everything. It was a little nuts. I didn’t get out of there until three, which kind of sucks, but then I was so hungry that I had no choice but to put away a double cheeseburger and a McChicken on the way home. So, yeah, I’m farting zyklon b right now (google it). Also, I’m hungry, but I’m having that post junk food binge problem. Junk food is like smoking, doing drugs, compulsively looking at internet shit fetish videos, or any other vice. If you manage to avoid doing it for a while, its strangle hold on you begins to loosen, until you kind of wonder why you were ever so into it in the first place. HOWEVER, if you happen to, in a moment of weakness, you know, google ‘poo eating co-eds’ or drive thru the all night McDonalds, all of a sudden, BLAMMO! You’re right back where you started, craving that shit that you thought you’d never crave again. It’s brutal. All I want right now is a double cheeseburger from BK, or a pair of soft taco supremes. Fuck…I need a salad or something. Thank god that I’ve got the Perfect Pushup system (if you don’t know what this means, please see entry one, “hello blogosphere’ for a detailed explanation.) One day at a time, that’s how I’m gonna beat this thing. Just like Gary Busey did, man.
Quick aside, did anyone see Gary Busey on celebrity lard asses or whatever it’s called? He had the greatest inspirational acronym of all time, regarding sobriety. It was as follows:
S.O.B.E.R = Son Of a Bitch, Everything’s Real!
Say what you will about his lack of comprehension of what an endocrine system really is, or his totally great teeth caps, but man, that shit is amazing. Son of a bitch, indeed, gary! Everything IS real. Wow.
Kay, so in a follow up, sounds like the blueballed Eric of a few posts ago went ahead and took my advice and talked to his old lady, and without splashing his personal life all over the internets like some sort of creep, let’s just say that he wrote back to express gratitude, as the advice yielded some unexpectedly great results. He ended up borrowing my donkey costume and buying six yards of rubber tubing and a huge tureen of rice pudding. Just sayin. So yeah, thankfully, so far, the advice thing is working for people. Thanks for all the letters. If I don’t address your question or problem here, chances are, your letter or issue is boring. Get a more interesting life, please.
Our first letter of August comes to us from our neighbors to the north, Canada. It reads as follows:
I'm an 18 year old Canadian male. As of recently I started hanging out with this really rad girl, we share common interests in writing, literature and other things I generally don't share in common with a lot of people. I've been an atheist for some time now, I've just never had an interest in a god or any form of organized religion period. The girl in question is a DEVOUT christian. I'm talking church 3 nights a week, blogs about god, reads books only about god, you know, the works basically. It's never been an issue, yeah we have some differences but if it doesn't get in the way then whatever. Catch is due to her strict christian upbringing she's not allowed to date guys/definitely would never be allowed to see an atheist. I've never even been to this girls house because her parents would never ever approve. Now we've kind of been dating anyway but I can tell it really stresses her out. Am I simply denying the inevitable here? Should I just move on? I don't really know what to do, I like her a lot but I have a feeling that it may never work out.

Thanks for your time,
Cock Blocked by god

Okay, thanks for writing. So, your girlfriend likes jesus, you don’t, and other than the fact that she won’t let you meet her super religious parents, everything’s great, huh? You know, minus her obsessive god blogging and constant church attendence and her completely stressed out demeanor due to living a lie that her god can clearly see through. Well, seems clear enough to me, but I’m not an eighteen year old Canadian, god fearing or not, so I’m going to lay this one on the table as clearly as possible.
Your relationship is doomed. Not because of Jesus. Because you’re 18. It doesn’t matter if you guys both LOVE jesus, or get along great with each other’s parents or sneak around and rob gas stations together. It’s not going to last. It’s just an unfortunate truth. Young love is intense and fleeting. (Quick aside: save me the letters about your parents, who started dating when they were six and still fuck twelve times a day fifty years later or whatever. Yeah, there are exceptions to every rule. There are pack-a-day smokers who live to be ninety. It’s still pretty irresponsible advice to suggest that’ll happen to you, right? Okay, anyway…)
So, your relationship is doomed, Jesus or no, but who cares? If you like hanging out with this girl, hang out with her. Let her stress about her parents and blog about the dangers of secular temptation and perhaps she’ll come to realize that she’s putting constraints on herself that don’t jive with how she wants to live, or perhaps you’ll realize that Jesus is totally sweet. My point is, if you guys get along and have amazing talks about Raskolnikov’s personal dialogs and motivations or whatever, well, that’s a cool thing that doesn’t need to be turned on or off because of outside factors. Just relax and enjoy each other’s company while you can. Soon you’ll both be away at college, or home from college, or whatever is going to happen to you guys that will force you to drift apart (life changes fast at 18). So yeah. I’d say, hang in there. After all, you’re already going to hell, so enjoy your mortal life while you can.
One other thing, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t point this out. You’re dating an 18 year old girl, devout Christian (which is usually code for really repressed) who won’t let you meet her parents and sneaks around with you? That’s like winning the horny 15-45 year old male fantasy lottery. So, yeah, just consider that when and if she decides to rebel against her minister dad (who wouldn’t recognize you if you were shining his shoes, by the way) someone out there is going to be swimming in a sea of blowjobs. Might as well be you.

Well, that feels great. There you go Canada. We’re even now. My wife told me that she thought my list of celebs that I hate made me sound bitter. I respectfully disagree, but I thought I’d put a quick list of things I love up here, just, you know, to start the week off with some posi vibes. Here goes:

Cheese- Love it. Great on burgers, great on crackers, great by itself. Man, I love cheese.

Internet pornography- Have we talked about this before? Well, it’s nice to know that there’s an arbitrary depravity scale out there that I can easily reference when I’m feeling like a twisted freak. I check out what people are beating off to, and suddenly, I feel like an Amish guy banging my wife of twenty five years through a perforated sheet.

The Chicago Art Institute- Great collection, free on Tuesdays. It’s extremely humbling to walk through halls filled with honest-to-god masterpieces. It’s a great way to kill time and feel like your brain isn’t melting.

Pabst Blue Ribbon- Nothing beats a PBR. It’s great with cheese and crackers, while perusing internet porn, or right after a long day at the museum. Yup.

Pineapples- The toughest fruit. In a battle royal of all the fruits, Pineapple whups the shit out of everyone. Also, they’re delicious. Dubious websites say they make your jizz taste great (take note, gents) and they’re about to replace antlers and unicorns as the image du-jour of hipsters. You just wait and see. I’m calling it right now.

Baseball- I don’t even care. I don’t at all. It’s just so great that there’s an institution that everyone can get behind that celebrates sitting around eating hotdogs and nachos and chugging beer while people stand there and ‘strategize’. It’s brilliant. Also, the Cubs are great. So, the world’s about to end, huh?

Coffee- Wakes you up. Makes you poop. Thanks coffee.

White Castle- Man, these little guys are the best. What’s that? You don’t live in a place with a White Castle? Ha-ha. Your life stinks. Kidding. Go to the grocery store and get the frozen microwaveable ones. They somehow taste exactly the same as the ones you get from the actual castle. Oh, and my friend Paul cuts sliders up and makes White Castle omelets, so yeah, they’re versatile.

Gay friends- They’ll tell you if you look like shit. Every time.

The Tin Drum by Gunter Grass- This book is amazing. He wrote it when he was thirty, and wowzers. It makes me feel like a moron to hold myself up to that standard, but whatever. It’s great to know there are people like Grass out there, pushing what people are capable of forward.

Dick jokes- did you hear about the guy with five dicks? Yeah, his pants fit him like a glove.

Drugs- From keeping your AIDS in check to making sure you can ‘see the guitar solo’ at the Dave Matthews show, drugs are there for you. They’re like Jesus, in that they’re everywhere, and they can make you really hate yourself sometimes. Thanks drugs.

Dinosaurs- Try talking to a six year old. Now imagine doing it if dinosaurs didn’t exist. It’s a lot harder, right?

Toupees- Feeling blue? Check out that dude in the toupee. Yeah, it’s funny. Feel better? I thought so.

Okay, I’ve wasted a lot of time. Yay, me! Enjoy your day. See you tomorrow.

Confidential to Wasted in Tacoma: It’s cool bro. He didn’t mean anything by it. Just put down the pool cue and chill out.


Frank (Long Island) said...


Gonna have to disagree with you on the White Castle comparison between grocery store bought and actual consumption from a WC.

There really is no comparison. You need to experience the White Castle sliders in their appropriate environment, one which includes a side of onion rings and chocolate shake.

You're cheating and lying to yourself if you put the store bought sliders in the same sentence as a slider from a White Castle establishment.

Joe Costa said...

As a long time Chicagoan or whatever you ninnies call yourself, I am shocked and appalled that the greatest food ever, namely the Chicago Hot Dog would not be on the list of things you love. Also, Old Style Beer? Anywhere? I'm more of a PBR guy myself but old style is some great stuff too.

Anonymous said...

I YAHOOd it, "Google" is about to fall in the ranks of "Bandaids" and "Kleenex". Not that i say "Adhesive strips" (or whatever they're called) or "tissue"...but I am going to battle saying "Google" instead of "search". If you couldn't tell, I should find something better to do.

Ama said...

Your list of things you love is quite impressive and I agree wholeheartedly with it.
Especially with the mention of PBR and pineapples.

John Barrett said...

God, I miss coffee. I don't miss my bodily excretions smelling like it though. I read somewhere that pineapples help hemorrhoids. Wikipedia could be making it up though.

Eric said...

he's right, you know

grilled cheese said...

a.) Mcdonald's is evil, and there's shit in the meat. Do yourself a favor and read "Fast Food Nation".

2.) cheese is AWESOME!! (and drinking coffee to counter the effects of cheese rules too)

d.) how many people are going to go buy "The Tin Drum" now that you said you love it? hmmm? maybe you should start your own oprah-esque book club.

grilled cheese said...

forgot to mention to cockblocked in Canada..I was raised much the same as your's not gonna work out dude. Sorry about that.

Anonymous said...

To the Sir whose initials are the same as burger king,

I challenge you to an all out White Castle eating contest. This must be filmed and posted on your blog. Do you accept?

Candice said...

i thought i loved everything about you but white castle burgers are just nasty. i'm not a fan of the soggy bun.

Tony said...

You need to make a list of your favourite books, you have me more than intrigued. Do it Clarence.

Mark said...

You don't love bacon?

AJ said...

white castle is quite possibly my favorite place in the world