Friday, August 22, 2008

What?! What will come out no more?!

I just realized, I’m exactly what the world needs right now, y’all! I’m a semi employed, stay at home dad (so I’m not only in a moral ‘no kill zone’ but I’m already well underway replicating myself, don’t fret), just barely good looking enough to be able to be a dick to both the ugly and the beautiful. I went to a good college, but for nothing practical, so I’ve got that rare combo of being an intellectual elitist with no applicable knowledge. Oh, I’ve got it all so figured out, that I don’t even need a job, or money or anything. I’m just gonna make fun of you, or anyone who’s enthusiastic about anything. Did I mention that I blog? Yup, I do one of those ‘rant blogs’ that everyone does. Come on! There’s even one in the Onion now, guys! Yeah, it’s great. “Know what I hate?” Thank god there’s no shortage of that right now. What else? Oh yeah, I’m in not one, but two mediocre bands. And guess what? We’ve wormed our way into this position where we don’t even need to be popular to feel superior to almost all other bands. It’s really great.
I’ve got an unpublished novel, and a movie script that no one wants. Also, I’m a glorified waiter, did I mention that? Fuck yeah! Let’s hear it for day jobs! That’s not all though, you guys. I also ride a road bike, which means that, you know, I look down my nose at anyone else’s bike, except the fixed gear dudes, of course. They’re awesome, with their tiny little hats and mustaches and sweaters and big chains! I’m like a level 3 but those guys are nines at least. I’m working up to it.
I fancy myself as a jack of all trades when it comes to anything remotely art based, so I’ve got crappy paintings, drawings, poems, songs, books, movies, whatever, you name it, I’ve slaved over it and with negligible results! You know, they say that art is in the eye of the beholder (or something like that, who cares really, right…that’s so yesteryear, to care about getting things accurate, right? This is the era of approximation….or something like that) So that means as long as I put a little effort in, it’s art. So that crappy lightbulb painting: Art. That dumb short story: Art. That record: Art. The empty bucket of KFC that I meticulously scraped the flesh from the formerly contained chicken parts with my teeth, only to discard the bones and leave the empty, greasy, receptacle? Fuck yeah it’s art. What are you? Some kind of caveman? People were floating crucifixes in tubs of piss and shitting onto American flags like twenty years ago! It’s time for a bold new paradigm, and I’m part of it. No, I’m it! This is the new zeitgeist! Approximation by way of rants and slapdash art that no one, not even another rant blogger can assail without being called an anti-now fascist.
You know, this all started when I was a kid in little league, and they told me that everyone was the star of the team. Everyone got to bat, and everyone got to hit. It’s amazing to take competition and skill out of a skill based competition! It makes everything acceptable. I think it’s funny that our parents and grandparents find our lack of self awareness so perplexing. It was their own EVERYONE WINS philosophy, applied from schoolrooms to baseball diamonds to school dances to picnics at the park to college campuses that have freed us from the notion that some people are better than others at some things. They decry the celebrity obsessed culture, the vacuous anti-talent that gives birth to our brightest stars (Paris, Nicole, Kim etc) ignoring that it was them who taught us that you don’t need to be good at anything to succeed, you just need to show up, or have a note explaining why you couldn’t be here.
Well, I’m taking it to a whole new level, folks. I’m eschewing the celebrity too! So I’m just like Paris…Well, the way Paris is like Fred Astaire, but without the ability to dance, sing, act or speak intelligently. I’m like Paris but without the money or celebrity. Take that, world! Here’s your next generation of superstar! Semi anonymous assholes on the internet complaining about everything! Talk about green! I’m reducing everything to it’s most base and simple. I’m offsetting carbon footprints like a motherfucker, just by telling you all that Katy Perry is untalented. “Kissed a Girl” my balls! That was already a song, back when it was dangerous! Oops! I think another rant blogger has already touched on this topic. My bad! This blog’s gonna be nothing if not original. Fuck yeah! I feel so much better. I’m gonna go serve beers and sandwiches and call it art and you know what? If you don’t like it, you’re nothing more than an uncultured boob who still thinks that something as 18th century as the novel is an acceptable medium of artistic discourse. Get with the now, Great granddads!

17 comments:

Matt Ramone said...

Well, for what it's worth, I think Oh, Calcutta! is one of the best albums of the last 20 years, and while after this I'm going to go back to being a wiseass, I honestly believe it is a damn shame kids are growing up idolizing mewling morons like Cute Is What We Aim For instead of drinking their first beer while "Great Lakes, Great Escapes" blares in the background.

/fawning

Joe said...

I am sitting here utterly perplexed as to the real meaning of this blog? Is it sarcasm? Is it self criticism? I don't think anyone can ever truly know.

Seagull Steve said...

I bet this is the line of thinking Prince took when he changed his name to a logo, ha.

Kyle said...

I had a college professor who was actually honest. I think it was because he was British. He told me that I was not cut out for high level math. It was the first time an adult had not shoved sunshine up my ass and it hurt because he was right. Now as a future teacher I have vowed to never tell a kid you can be anything you set your mind to because it does them a disservice and I would be lying to them.

The larry arms rock. Keep kicking out the Jams.

Jason said...

I personally didn't need one of my college professors to tell me I wasn't cut out for higher level math, I figured that out during Calculus I freshman year. I still had to take about 12 more upper level math courses (which I got 11 C's and 1 B) to get my degree to become a math teacher. Now I teach pre-algebra to 8th graders, and wonder why did I need to take advanced statistical analysis? Bottom line, Kyle, you don't need to tell kids "they can do whatever they want", but you should still inspire them to do their best, even if they're total shitheads.

SauliosBJ123 said...

The last line makes me think I shouldn't act like I want to read a novel, but if you seriously did write a novel...I wanna read it. I would also like to have you hold guns to people's heads until they agree to make your movie...assuming that wasn't complete bullshit.

P.S Don't Write said...

the amount of exclamation marks in this blog made my eyes bleed a little.

also, matt ramone, why are you everywhere?

fallingtree99 said...

Haha yeah, if the Org kept track of post count, mattramone would probably have more than the rest of the commentors (why isn't commentors a word?) combined. And then I peruse the comments thread here on BK's blog and he's here too. It's ok, Matt, we still love you.

Matt Ramone said...

I'm just so damn loveable. I'm going to be gone for like two weeks and you cumholes are going to miss me.

janeharas said...

Yes, completely impractical degrees are the way to go! I mean, I totally love serving $4 coffee to people that bitch about it, despite the fact they have Bloomingdale's bags at their sides! Highlight of my life, it is, highlight of my life.

Andrew said...

i second whoever said they would read your novel bk.

and also. commentors is not a word because commentators is.

Robb said...

I'm totally pickin' up on your sarcastic vibes, Janeharas. You layed it on thick and I lapped it up like almond butter.

P.S Don't Write said...

matt! where are you going? please say hell! because all those times I've said "i wish mattramone would go to hell" would then have led to something!

John Barrett said...

Your bands are above mediocre. Probably.

SauliosBJ123 said...

I have an ettiquette, of sorts question that sort of relates to your stuff about questions you don't like to be asked:

So, I'm at the grocery store and the cashier guy asked me how it was going and I said "good, how's it going for you?" and he acted like I was dumb for asking and said "I'm just working."

Obviously I don't care how it is going for him really, but it seemed polite to ask him back since he asked me (also just out of politeness). Do you see it as dumb to ask someone who is working how it is going?

Suzanne said...

Bartender related ranting comment you missed earlier - since this happened at my shitty day job today.. "don't ever send back a perfectly acceptable mixed drink because you don't like it and ask for some other pansy mixed drink in return, because what you get will have basically no alcohol in it - the more of a dick you are, the less alcohol"..

I mean, I dunno if you do that, but it's pretty common where I work. And seriously, what kind of guy orders a drink made from Midori, Malibu, Tequila, Blue Curacao and Sour anyway? ESPECIALLY if it's green?.. And then complains about it?..

lhsthree said...

I just wanted to say that ever since I've been introduced to the Lawrence Arms by my good friend and die hard fan, who actually got to play drummers for you guys on 106 south, I've been hooked. Recently I've just been introduced to you blog and once again I'm hooked. Also, Lawrence Arms, Sundowner, and The Falcon are all bands that whenever I hear them make me want to play music that has the same effect on people that yours has on me.