I just realized, I’m exactly what the world needs right now, y’all! I’m a semi employed, stay at home dad (so I’m not only in a moral ‘no kill zone’ but I’m already well underway replicating myself, don’t fret), just barely good looking enough to be able to be a dick to both the ugly and the beautiful. I went to a good college, but for nothing practical, so I’ve got that rare combo of being an intellectual elitist with no applicable knowledge. Oh, I’ve got it all so figured out, that I don’t even need a job, or money or anything. I’m just gonna make fun of you, or anyone who’s enthusiastic about anything. Did I mention that I blog? Yup, I do one of those ‘rant blogs’ that everyone does. Come on! There’s even one in the Onion now, guys! Yeah, it’s great. “Know what I hate?” Thank god there’s no shortage of that right now. What else? Oh yeah, I’m in not one, but two mediocre bands. And guess what? We’ve wormed our way into this position where we don’t even need to be popular to feel superior to almost all other bands. It’s really great.
I’ve got an unpublished novel, and a movie script that no one wants. Also, I’m a glorified waiter, did I mention that? Fuck yeah! Let’s hear it for day jobs! That’s not all though, you guys. I also ride a road bike, which means that, you know, I look down my nose at anyone else’s bike, except the fixed gear dudes, of course. They’re awesome, with their tiny little hats and mustaches and sweaters and big chains! I’m like a level 3 but those guys are nines at least. I’m working up to it.
I fancy myself as a jack of all trades when it comes to anything remotely art based, so I’ve got crappy paintings, drawings, poems, songs, books, movies, whatever, you name it, I’ve slaved over it and with negligible results! You know, they say that art is in the eye of the beholder (or something like that, who cares really, right…that’s so yesteryear, to care about getting things accurate, right? This is the era of approximation….or something like that) So that means as long as I put a little effort in, it’s art. So that crappy lightbulb painting: Art. That dumb short story: Art. That record: Art. The empty bucket of KFC that I meticulously scraped the flesh from the formerly contained chicken parts with my teeth, only to discard the bones and leave the empty, greasy, receptacle? Fuck yeah it’s art. What are you? Some kind of caveman? People were floating crucifixes in tubs of piss and shitting onto American flags like twenty years ago! It’s time for a bold new paradigm, and I’m part of it. No, I’m it! This is the new zeitgeist! Approximation by way of rants and slapdash art that no one, not even another rant blogger can assail without being called an anti-now fascist.
You know, this all started when I was a kid in little league, and they told me that everyone was the star of the team. Everyone got to bat, and everyone got to hit. It’s amazing to take competition and skill out of a skill based competition! It makes everything acceptable. I think it’s funny that our parents and grandparents find our lack of self awareness so perplexing. It was their own EVERYONE WINS philosophy, applied from schoolrooms to baseball diamonds to school dances to picnics at the park to college campuses that have freed us from the notion that some people are better than others at some things. They decry the celebrity obsessed culture, the vacuous anti-talent that gives birth to our brightest stars (Paris, Nicole, Kim etc) ignoring that it was them who taught us that you don’t need to be good at anything to succeed, you just need to show up, or have a note explaining why you couldn’t be here.
Well, I’m taking it to a whole new level, folks. I’m eschewing the celebrity too! So I’m just like Paris…Well, the way Paris is like Fred Astaire, but without the ability to dance, sing, act or speak intelligently. I’m like Paris but without the money or celebrity. Take that, world! Here’s your next generation of superstar! Semi anonymous assholes on the internet complaining about everything! Talk about green! I’m reducing everything to it’s most base and simple. I’m offsetting carbon footprints like a motherfucker, just by telling you all that Katy Perry is untalented. “Kissed a Girl” my balls! That was already a song, back when it was dangerous! Oops! I think another rant blogger has already touched on this topic. My bad! This blog’s gonna be nothing if not original. Fuck yeah! I feel so much better. I’m gonna go serve beers and sandwiches and call it art and you know what? If you don’t like it, you’re nothing more than an uncultured boob who still thinks that something as 18th century as the novel is an acceptable medium of artistic discourse. Get with the now, Great granddads!