Monday, August 25, 2008

That's my pie!

Greetings turds! Welcome to the workweek. It’s a beautiful Chicago morning, and I’m really looking forward to some lunch. I’ve got a buddy in town, and he says he likes local and/or spicy things, so I’m thinking Arby’s. At Arby’s I try to get the most disgusting item on the menu, which is difficult, since everything is floppy, fat marbled meat like substance packed in thick, viscous drool. How does one choose? It’s like Sophie’s Choice…anyway. Do you need my advice? Yes you do, Lincoln Square Lunatic:

I got engaged at 22 while still in college. I loved that woman more than anything, and I at least thought it was reciprocated, but the stress of transitioning into the real world and a lot of infidelity (which I continually forgave like a spineless pussy) led to her eventually leaving me a couple years later, never having gotten married. Adding insult to injury, I had to move back into my parents basement. Coupling these two led to monumental amounts of drinking- and you're right, crazy crazy drunks do love Jameson. You'd be amazed how quickly one can make a bottle disappear four fingers at a time when you just add a tiny splash of seltzer to your rocks glass. But I digress....

Since that point, she and I have intermittent contact (as well as occasional genital-to-genital contact) and we've both been in relatively steady relationships, too. However, every time I start to feel something for someone new, I sabotage the relationship by starting up talking to her again, and she enables the behavior by feeding me just enough (likely) bullshit to make me believe that there's still actually a shot at some sort of Eternal Sunshine caliber reconciliation. Fast forward to right now, where I'm seeing an amazing woman with whom there could realistically be some semblance of a future, and I'm starting to feel that little burn in the back of my brain again. Now I know WHY I'm done this sort of thing; it's very clear that it's an unbelievable fear of having history repeat itself because the last time I got that close and came up short it nearly ended me, sprinkled with a dash of Stockholm Syndrome for a little extra zing. Which brings me to my question to you, oh sage of sages: how in the hell do I keep myself from doing this crap again?

Signed,
Lincoln Square Lunatic


Okay, good one. Firstly, we live in the same neighborhood, so there’s that. Secondly, it seems like you’ve got a pretty good idea of what’s going on, so you’re about nine tenths of the way there, as I see it. Let’s check the facts right quick: You’ve got an ex that still excites you. You’re dating an awesome chick, and you’re getting that old familiar urge to go fuck everything up again, against your own better judgment. Man, oh man, do I feel you on this one. Relatable, for sure. All righty, here’s what you do: Talk to your girlfriend about it. Now, I’m not one for honesty at the expense of everything else, that’s a foolish pipe dream concocted by sixteen year olds to explain love in movies. Lies, good lies, are important in a relationship. Life is messy, and honesty is often brutal and unkind. I don’t want to live in a world where women actually take dumps and tell me that my friend actually IS better looking than me, and a better lay, for that matter. So, it’s not without a little bit of genuine thought that I suggest that you be upfront with your new girl about what’s going on. Will she be pissed? If she’s worth a shit, you bet. Will she understand what’s going on? Hmm…hard to say. The point is, you need a little shock therapy. Seeing this awesome new girl’s reaction to your self destructive impulses may just be the kick to the balls you need to free yourself from your exes grip. Nothing like watching a good girl cry or yell while some malicious bitch smiles in the background to make your brain quickly reprioritize things. So, that’s my take. Get it out there and see what happens. Otherwise, you’re just gonna fuck everything up anyway. Might as well try this, huh?

Okay, now here’s a quick piece of advice to punk rock persona, Ben Weasel:

Hi Ben, we’ve never met, but we share some things in common. We both sing in bands that come from Chicago and…okay, that’s about everything. Anyway, let’s get to the point here. Ben, starting a feud is like walking beneath a flock of birds. It’s crucial that you always look up. You’ve done some good stuff, and your career is kind of impressive. Sure, you’re no fat mike, or Tim Armstrong, or even a Jesse Michaels or Joe Escalante, but hey, you’ve made some important records. I mean, I, like everyone with any taste in pop punk, think ‘My Brain Hurts’ is great, and maybe unlike most people, think that ‘How to make Enemies’ is criminally underrated. But I digress…Okay, I’m no Fat Mike either. Hell, I’m not even a Ben Weasel, and I’m fine with that. I just like playing music and drinking beer with my friends. If you want to feud with someone for no reason (and you really have no reason to even breathe the name of my band to anyone. We’ve never met, shared a stage, been active on a label at the same time…nothing…it’s just odd) it’s important, once again, Ben, that you look up. Find a popular band full of dipshits, like, say the All American Rejects, just to use any old example, and say something like “those nancies spend all their time flat ironing their hair and aren’t fit to wash the jockstraps of the Jonas Bros. “ That’s how it works. You attack the big guys, and they hopefully respond, increasing your visibility in the process. Now, nothing against the All American Rejects. I’m sure those guys aren’t dipshits. Again, just an example. I actually like some of their music.
Anyway, I’m rambling again, but you get my point, right Ben? Now, when you pick on me and my band, you’re looking down, lashing out at someone less well known than you, and that is just backwards. Only assholes prey on the small and weak. It’s heroes who aim high. I’m not trying to call you an asshole, Ben. I just think you fail to understand how to effectively um…you know, Make Enemies and Irritate People, no pun intended.
See, your insistence, your stupid, misguided insistence on bringing us up as some sort of terrible band reference point is only flattering. Yeah, I’m flattered that you even know who my stupid band is. So there, buddy. Do what you want. Lord knows I’m not changing any lives over here, but I’m not interested in your pissing contest, either. I’ll never speak of this again, but I really feel like you should take my advice and do the same. Otherwise, you’re just going to make my crappy band more popular, while at the same time cultivating an image for yourself as some sort of ‘crazy asshole,’ and I’d hate to see that phrase applied to your name, Ben, That would be a real shame.
See you in the funny papers, everyone!

26 comments:

John said...

I don't know what this Ben Weasel business is all about, but I must find out.

nchipman said...

@john

During Ben Weasel's radio show a few weeks back he called the Lawrence Arms the worst band in the world and compared their lyrics to "high school poetry."

What I don't get though is that Ben likes the All-American Rejects (they even played on his solo stuff) who have lyrics like "please just don't play with me, my paper heart will bleed," which seems a lot more like high school poetry than any Lawrence Arms stuff.

Val said...

http://tinyurl.com/5h9lm4

for those wondering. its weasels pod cast apparently. you'll hear it about 3/4 of the way through.

AJ said...

nice reference...see you later fuckface! I respect the Weasel and I respect the Larry's..maybe he got out of bed on the wrong side, tripped over his shoelaces and fell into a glass table where he landed next to "A Guided Tour of Chicago" thinking it was a map of the city but instead realized it was the Larry Arms cd that he lost years ago...he's getting older, could be dementia...

Mikey said...

*looks screeching weasel lyrics*

good god...wow brendan, why can't you and chris come up with deep lyrics like that? excuse me while i roll my eyes.

Mikey said...

for what it's worth, i love TLA lyrics.

and i know my comments mean a lot. :)

grilled cheese said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nathan said...

I think calling him not a Joe Escalante could be a compliment given Joe's legal history regarding his band (i.e. not paying the original lineup royalties on usage of their songs in movies, etc)

grilled cheese said...

Isn't it a well known fact that Ben Weasel is, indeed, a crazy asshole?

John Barrett said...

My Brain Hurts rules so fucking much, but for true, I think the entire Lawrence Arms discography beats it. I'd also wouldn't go to chicago to see him and Dan Vapid play the album in its entirety, but I am going to Chicago to see the worst band on the planet (paraphrasing) play with the bouncing souls.

Which leads me to a sort of advice question. Is the fact that a close female friend invited me to take the journey out to chicago to see your shitty band mean she's interested? I can't tell, and it's probably going to affect my behavior.

I don't think your band is shitty.

James Bliss said...

So I just listened to two middle-aged men break down the greatness of U2, song by song. It's just wave after wave of mediocrity and pain...

alkalinepunk13 said...

ben weasel seems like one of those kind of guys who's like "i'm good, and i know i'm good. all of my opinions are the right ones, so fuck all of you." i love screeching weasel but i'll pick up Oh! Calcutta! over My Brain Hurts anyday.

fallingtree99 said...

Give it up, Brendan. It's blatantly obvious "Passive, aggressive, confessing, repressive, structurally uncertain, transparent, transgressive" is base high school poetry compared to such sagacious lyrical insight as "I tend to open my yap and make you feel like crap." Seriously.

holycrapoctopus said...

Once again, someone I respect hates on someone I respect more.

also BK, sometime you need to talk about books. I know you're into Bulgakov and Gunter Grass, also two of my favorite authors. I actually got into Master & Margarita through the liner notes on Greatest Story, and it's now one of my favorite books. If ever feel like compiling a short list of books people need to read that would be crazy awesome

radiopore said...

If Lawrence Arms is high school poetry, then you guys must be that one kid shooting for Harvard in the English IV AP class that everyone's jealous of.

Seriously, I'm in that class, and most of those kids cannot compose lyrics even close to what you guys make. I don't even know what the fuck Ben Weasel was talking about.

d-anin said...

i think ben is the first person i've heard talk shit about the arms

tyler said...

I'm pretty sure I've never met a single person over the age of 16 who gives a shit about Screeching Weasel. So there's always that.

Tim Harwell said...

you know, i was really considering having "i'd never go back, even if it was the same, but it kills me to know that it's changed" tattooed on my arm...but after hearing Ben's astute commentary, i feel obligated to get a tattoo of his face instead. sorry bren.

Max said...

keep em cumin u krazy sonovabitch

Christi said...

your way fuckin better than SW anyways

Sickie27 said...

Ahem, as a Screeching Weasel/Ben Weasel fan whose all time favorite band happens to be SW (and Tyler, I'm 18, so there goes that one!). I'm going to have to say that Ben's basically being a retarded bully and I have no idea where he's pulling these insults from.

And to those who are trying to badmouth Ben's lyrics. You can't, sorry. You can't just pick out the silly lyrics he's written to make him sound bad. He's written great lyrics you really can't even pretend that he hasn't.

Screeching Weasel was great at what they did, there's no denying that at all. But The Lawrence Arms are amazing at what they do as well and there's no denying that at all either. Anyone who can't appreciate what TLA brings to the table is probably a fucking moron. Sorry, Ben. You failed at this one.

Tony said...

Question;
Stza - Giant Douche, Turd Sandwich, or other?

P.S Don't Write said...

"Lord knows I’m not changing any lives over here"

lies.

FW said...

I realize I'm a little late on this one-- but as a TLA fan, and a SW/Riverdales fan, I've gotta say, Ben's just being Ben on this one.

You gotta know the history of Ben Weasel. If he doesn't like something, he has no problems saying it. He's got no further agenda than simply to be entertaining and honest with himself.

The guy's got a specific taste and strong opinions. And TLA is in good company here: Nirvana, Bad Religion, Fugazi, Bad Brains, Against Me!--all bands that Ben has railed on or poo-pooed in the past.

Finally, the guy criticizes his OWN stuff the same way! He'll be the first to tell you which songs of his are awful.

Json said...

i'm way late on this....

i don't give a rats ass what ben says. that asshole doesn't like anything, anyway. there's even that "no empathy" single called "ben weasel don't like it".....

i liked his band when i was 18. and that was well more than a decade ago. SW may have done some good things back when "Lookout!" actually had bands on that label that were worth half a fuck. but it's 2008...not 1988 or 1994. as much as i loved the "...enemies" lp back then, that record hasn't touched my turntable in 11 years. meanwhile, i still listen to "...greatest story" on a weekly basis.

sounds to me like ben was just mad that his pop-punk of yesteryear has transformed into the shit/look-like-girls/super-pop punk that is garbage like "mayday parade" and the like, so he has to lash out.

brendan, your band and your shitty words do change lives.

Nadz said...

My two all time faves back-chatting each other... now THAT is punk rock. Actually speechless about this. Did an interview with Ben about 5 years ago, when he told me he'd never heard AK3, then about 3 years ago he said Good Mourning was amazing - wouldn't take it personally he'll probably highly rate the next record. Which I am waiting for..

P.S The guy is still a legend, but a legendary asshole. The fact he even knows who you are is a compliment of highest order. Personally I think your lyrics are A*.

Best,

Nadz (London, UK)