Good morning. It seems I’m almost never a Viking anymore, these days. Up early, drinking coffee, writing on this thing, jiggling this little dude around like he’s margarita ingredients, when do you sleep? That’s why your parents are so lame, kids. They’re fucking exhausted. They can’t go out and blow lines and listen to Dethklok and shit, they’ve got something in the neighborhood of fifteen years of missing sleep to catch up on. Also, they’re jealous of you being a younger, better looking version of them, and bitter jealousy + exhaustion = parents. Yup. I put this little guy in this tiger costume this morning, and he really, really hated it, almost to the point where I thought he was allergic, but no. he’s just a grumpy little shit sometimes.
Last night, I ditched my improv class, and I’ve never felt so good about anything in my life. While everyone else there was playing “Kitty wants a corner” (feel free to cringe right along with me, everyone) I was sitting on my porch eating a relaxing meal with my old lady. Nice one, delinquent behavior!
I’m a bit at a loss today. I know I’ve made some lists in the past that have been easy to write, so I’m kind of half assedly thinking of a list I could make…we’ve done drugs, we’ve done alcohol, we’ve done things that I hate and things I like…hmmm…ways to get blowjobs, that’s been done. Okay, how about this: things I absolutely hate to be asked, or told, in no particular order (except the first one)
You don’t remember me, do you?-
Nope, sure don’t. But thanks for making that even more awkward for both of us. You should have maybe been a little more interesting last time we met, or perhaps, maybe you shouldn’t assume that everyone on the earth has the same unbelieveable face/name cataloging skills that you do. That makes an ass of you and me, both. Next time try: Hey, dude, my name is Rupret, we met at the Christmas party last year.
Isn’t that nicer? No accusing, and I’m not on the defensive right away.
Tell me a funny story-
I get this one in interviews all the time. Firstly, that’s not a question at all. It’s a demand, so we’re already off to a bad start. Secondly, that’s kind of hard. I don’t think it’s too easy to just whip out a story out of nowhere. Listen, if we’re talking, and a story organically comes up, I’m happy to tell it, but just demanding one? That’s the conversational equivalent of shooting at my feet and telling me to dance.
Will you (fill in the blank) when you have a minute?-
This is a service industry pet peeve of mine. I understand that the euphamism here is meant to soften the slave like nature of the server-patron relationship and everything, but come on. I know I’m a bartender, first of all, so yeah, of course I’m gonna do whatever it is you want me to do. Secondly, yeah, I’m gonna wait until I have a spare minute. I’m not just gonna drop this plate of food on the ground to get you more Fresca. It’s one of those things that just kind of gets under my skin. Thanks, guy at bar, for telling me it’s okay to wait until I’ve got a minute. I was totally fucked trying to figure everything out, time wise, until you said that last bit.
What are your musical influences?
This is EVERY musician worth a shit’s most hated question. I promise. It’s irritating beyond belief. And it’s not that I don’t like to talk about bands I love,. I do. It’s, once again, the phrasing that’s so fucking irritating. Okay, I play this style of music, and I’m this old, and presumably you’ve heard my band, since you’re interviewing me. Therefore, let me ask you? What are my influences? It’s lazy journalism. This is one of those questions that people ask when they have nothing interesting to ask, or HAVEN’T heard the music of the band that they’re interviewing, or they just want to gauge how well they pegged the band’s plagarism. Here’s some much better versions of this question that I would happily answer:
What was the band that made you decide that you wanted to become a musician?
What was the first album you got that you discovered without the help of the radio/MTV?
Is there a particular song or record that you remember hearing for the first time that you felt changed your whole perspective upon first listen?
What was a dream lineup band for you when you were fifteen?
I think I’m gonna go ahead and answer this last one right now. Okay, Greg from Bad Religion would sing, on guitar and vocals would be Joe from the dead milkmen, on bass and vocals would be fat mike, on drums…hmmm, good one. Who was a drummer I really liked when I was fifteen? That dude from Underdog? Gorilla Biscuits? Well, whatever, looking back, that would be a pretty fucking goofy band, regardless of who’s on the drums, but hey, I was fifteen! Don’t hate!
Okay, what else do I hate to be asked or told? Eh, maybe it’s done, this is veering into becoming a little too self important, even for a blog, and that’s no small feat.
Yikes, my beast is stirring, so I’m gonna have to run.
Quick answers to quick questions left in the comments section of ‘Waas sappening’:
To the kid with the sad guy in his band? What do you think you’re gonna do? Snap him out of it? Nope. Someday he’ll just wake up and feel better. He’ll feel stupid for moping around about some chick, and things will be fine. But you’re not gonna be able to speed him through it, sorry.
Yes, I knew that I was your hero.
The best wine to pair with fish is Boones farm blue. It’s great with tuna from the can, at least. That’s what I had last night.
No, I would not like a former world leader’s head tattooed on my chest. Well, maybe Grover Cleveland. He had a good mustache.
Self depreciating humor IS a measure of confidence, as long as you’re really going for the jugular. So, for example, if you’re a five ten lard ass, but you’re making fun of yourself for being short, well, that’s transparent insecurity and deflection masquerading as self depreciating humor, but if you’re talking about how you sometimes camp out outside the bakery, that’s funny, and shows that you don’t even give a shit about your shortcomings, get it? Once you make fun of yourself, it becomes a non issue. Do you ever listen to Howard Stern? When people call Artie fat, it doesn’t have any impact, because he’s all over those jokes himself. Truly being able to mock yourself, brutally, mind you, is probably one of the best displays of confidence there is. As long as you’re funny. If you’re not funny, it’s just sad and pathetic.
So, you can’t write a song. Big deal. Most people can’t. Everything isn’t for everyone. I can’t play basketball, so I don’t. No big deal. (I can’t stand the way that everything in this day and age seems to revolve around telling people that they can do whatever they want to do. NO!!!! You can’t! Lot’s of people suck at lots of things. Everybody sucks at most things! Find something you enjoy and do it. You may suck, you may be so bad that you need to find something else to do, so go ahead and find something else. It’s a big world, people. Guys who say shit like “ I suck at everything” are probably not lying on purpose. They may suck at everything they try, but they haven’t tried everything. They may be great at shooting porn, or plucking chickens or calligraphy or sousaphone or whatever…that’s not my point here though. My point is, okay, you suck at something, whatever it is. We all suck at stuff, don’t be another asshole who just sucks everything up against all odds. Move on and find something that will satisfy, rather than frustrate you)
Now to songwriting guy, I don’t know, dude, keep trying for a while. Either you’ll come up with something or it will get frustrating and you’ll stop, or, your crappy songs will be loved by the dumb people in the world who love crap and you’ll get rich. Good luck.
I knew it, Suzanne. thank's for the confirmation.
Uh, nope. That song’s about something else.
Okay, that’s enough of that…more than enough, really. Sorry if that was dull for everyone, but that’s how it goes sometimes. Clean out the junk drawer and all that.
Oh, and my mom now reads this, so lets keep the talk of felching, buttfucking, blowjobs, rimjobs, ass torture, jizz drinking, bukkake, fisting, blumpkins, space docking (when you shit into a vagina), clam bumping, farting cum bubbles, dirty sanchez’s, double headed dildos, roman showers, golden showers, brown showers, and all that to a minimum, okay? She’s a grandma, after all.