All right, it’s Tuesday and in the tradition of the modern age, I’m wating for the cable guy. I know this dude who does this sort of Mitch Hedbergian comedy routine and he’s got this joke that goes thusly:
So, I was fucking the cable guy yesterday, and it was kind of a drag because, well, you know how long it takes for the cable guy to come.
Honestly, I didn’t get it at first, but now, as I wait, I realize that he’s referring to the agonizing hours spent in fevered anticipation, just waiting for his paramour, his love, his cable guy to show up and lay him gently down. It’s actually quite a splendid joke, I think. Well done.
The baby sleeps all bound up in a little baby straightjacket. It’s because the impulses that shoot out of their brains and down their arms tend to make the arms flail wildly, which, in turn, makes the baby feel like he’s falling or generally in an out of control situation. So every night we bind up the baby like he’s a ham that we’re shipping across the country and every morning, we unwrap him. This is probably the best part of the day. Unwrapping a baby is like getting mail, a ham, perhaps. But this ham smiles at you. I KNOW, that’s a vagina euphemism,: the smiling ham. Good one. There are lots of great vagina euphemisms out there. For example-
The mound at Wrigley
Toothless, stuttering old man
Well, you get the idea. Language is a wonderful tool, no?
Two of my very favorite people are in town today and I’m going to have the pleasure of brunching with them. I don’t know when the gender roles so completely switched in this city, or maybe it’s just my circle of friends, because it’s not only Chicago where all the dudes go out and lunch, babies in tow, dissecting the latest episode of SITC while the women slave away at the office. Whatever. I’m enlightened, y’all. Nothing says “I believe in the ERA” like being a stay at home dad. Throw your stones, sexists. Heh. Okay. I am going to offer a very small reading list, as it’s been asked for several times.
Catch 22-Joseph Heller
White Noise- Don Delillo
You should probably read a little Steinbeck too, just so you know what’s going on. Don’t worry about getting into Grapes of Wrath right away, although it’s great. Go for Cannery Row, or Tortilla Flat. They’re quick little books.
The Tin Drum- Gunter Grass
Death in Venice-Thomas Mann
Tropic of Cancer- Henry Miller
The Stranger- Camus. Early editions of this blog credited Kafka, due to me not really paying attention to what I was typing. I beg y'alls pardon.
Russian fiction (yes, I know where Russia is. Firstly, this is a unique enough category that it deserves to be addressed separately, and secondly, these mofo’s don’t really consider themselves Euros, so there)
Master and Margarita-Bulgakov
Crime and Punishment- Dostoyevsky
The Death of Ivan Ilych-Tolstoy (this one is massively depressing. It makes C&P seem like the Nose)
The Nose-Ivan Gogol
Satanic Verses, Midnight’s Children and Haroun and the Sea of Stories by Salman Rushdie (yeah, he’s kind of a Brit…I know)
Wind up Bird Chronicles- Murakami (pretty odd)
Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs- Klosterman
Fast Food Nation- Schlosser
Marching Powder-Rusty Young
Okay, This is just a tiny little list of some basics, it’s in NO way any sort of definitive or even particularly clever list. Just so that’s out there. I like all these books though, so if there’s one you’ve never read, maybe check it out. I wanted to try and do this without scanning the bookshelf, so I’m for sure forgetting some of my very faves. Whatever, there’s plenty of time for addenda, right?
Cool, so what else? Well, huh…Nothing real exciting to speak of. It’s my birthday in two weeks. I’m finna be a year older. I’d like a party, please. Thanks everyone. It’s on a Monday, which poses an interesting dilemma, namely, do I dare go to my dumb improv class on my birthday (last night was torture, by the way)? Tune in as this exciting saga unfolds!
Oh, and to the dude who can't stop thinking about his cunty-friend-he-wishes-he-wasn't-in-love-with-how-could-she-bang-that-christian-beardo...well, you're just gonna have to get out there and do some living. Do a little romancing of some other ladies, hang out with your friends and just accept the fact that this girl you kind of hate is gonna bum you out for a while. Sorry to say, but time and distraction are your only options. good luck