Tuesday, August 26, 2008

That's right! We got another body out here!

All right, it’s Tuesday and in the tradition of the modern age, I’m wating for the cable guy. I know this dude who does this sort of Mitch Hedbergian comedy routine and he’s got this joke that goes thusly:

So, I was fucking the cable guy yesterday, and it was kind of a drag because, well, you know how long it takes for the cable guy to come.

Honestly, I didn’t get it at first, but now, as I wait, I realize that he’s referring to the agonizing hours spent in fevered anticipation, just waiting for his paramour, his love, his cable guy to show up and lay him gently down. It’s actually quite a splendid joke, I think. Well done.
The baby sleeps all bound up in a little baby straightjacket. It’s because the impulses that shoot out of their brains and down their arms tend to make the arms flail wildly, which, in turn, makes the baby feel like he’s falling or generally in an out of control situation. So every night we bind up the baby like he’s a ham that we’re shipping across the country and every morning, we unwrap him. This is probably the best part of the day. Unwrapping a baby is like getting mail, a ham, perhaps. But this ham smiles at you. I KNOW, that’s a vagina euphemism,: the smiling ham. Good one. There are lots of great vagina euphemisms out there. For example-
Clam sandwich
The mound at Wrigley
Toothless, stuttering old man
Gravy boat
Well, you get the idea. Language is a wonderful tool, no?
Two of my very favorite people are in town today and I’m going to have the pleasure of brunching with them. I don’t know when the gender roles so completely switched in this city, or maybe it’s just my circle of friends, because it’s not only Chicago where all the dudes go out and lunch, babies in tow, dissecting the latest episode of SITC while the women slave away at the office. Whatever. I’m enlightened, y’all. Nothing says “I believe in the ERA” like being a stay at home dad. Throw your stones, sexists. Heh. Okay. I am going to offer a very small reading list, as it’s been asked for several times.

American fiction-
Catch 22-Joseph Heller
White Noise- Don Delillo
Native Son-Wright
You should probably read a little Steinbeck too, just so you know what’s going on. Don’t worry about getting into Grapes of Wrath right away, although it’s great. Go for Cannery Row, or Tortilla Flat. They’re quick little books.

Euro fiction
The Tin Drum- Gunter Grass
Death in Venice-Thomas Mann
Tropic of Cancer- Henry Miller
The Stranger- Camus. Early editions of this blog credited Kafka, due to me not really paying attention to what I was typing. I beg y'alls pardon.

Russian fiction (yes, I know where Russia is. Firstly, this is a unique enough category that it deserves to be addressed separately, and secondly, these mofo’s don’t really consider themselves Euros, so there)
Master and Margarita-Bulgakov
Crime and Punishment- Dostoyevsky
The Death of Ivan Ilych-Tolstoy (this one is massively depressing. It makes C&P seem like the Nose)
The Nose-Ivan Gogol

Asian Fiction
Satanic Verses, Midnight’s Children and Haroun and the Sea of Stories by Salman Rushdie (yeah, he’s kind of a Brit…I know)
Wind up Bird Chronicles- Murakami (pretty odd)

Non Fiction
Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs- Klosterman
Fast Food Nation- Schlosser
Marching Powder-Rusty Young

Okay, This is just a tiny little list of some basics, it’s in NO way any sort of definitive or even particularly clever list. Just so that’s out there. I like all these books though, so if there’s one you’ve never read, maybe check it out. I wanted to try and do this without scanning the bookshelf, so I’m for sure forgetting some of my very faves. Whatever, there’s plenty of time for addenda, right?
Cool, so what else? Well, huh…Nothing real exciting to speak of. It’s my birthday in two weeks. I’m finna be a year older. I’d like a party, please. Thanks everyone. It’s on a Monday, which poses an interesting dilemma, namely, do I dare go to my dumb improv class on my birthday (last night was torture, by the way)? Tune in as this exciting saga unfolds!

Oh, and to the dude who can't stop thinking about his cunty-friend-he-wishes-he-wasn't-in-love-with-how-could-she-bang-that-christian-beardo...well, you're just gonna have to get out there and do some living. Do a little romancing of some other ladies, hang out with your friends and just accept the fact that this girl you kind of hate is gonna bum you out for a while. Sorry to say, but time and distraction are your only options. good luck


Jorubo said...

One of my friends said something about Native Son to me the other day, I will have to check this book out. I really like Klosterman, Killing yourself to live is one of my favorites.

Anonymous said...

I didn't know Kafka also wrote a book called The Stranger. I thought that was Albert Camus.

Andrew said...

yeah you might be thinking of the trial

John Barrett said...

I just started the Master and Margarita, and it's a lot stranger than I thought. So far, so good though. Good recommendation (through liner notes, not this blog though.)

h.krinkle said...

Hi brendan,
good blog, the tin drum is a sweet book

additionally what does the voice clip near the end of the broadways song upton say?


Anonymous said...

I just finished the Master and Margarita and I read the translation by Burgin and O'Connor...because it has that quote about it being the best translation (which happens to be from the Chicago Tribune)...but Chapter 13 is called "Enter the Hero" (I believe). Now to get to my question: which version did you read?

Troy said...

Dear Brendan:
Should I shave my balls?

Eric said...

troy - no

Some Young Guy said...

one of us misunderstood the cable guy joke.

Anonymous said...

I love mitch hedberg!


"Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave, too!"

Take care, BK

Matt Baldwin said...

you can't go wrong with The Stranger...

and "The Death of Ivan Ilych-Tolstoy (this one is massively depressing. It makes C&P seem like the Nose)" i second that

Shannon said...

Wind-Up Bird Chronicles is amazing. I couldn't put that down.