Tuesday, August 12, 2008

I'm getting what I deserve. I'm reaping what I sow.

I know you’ve all been dying to hear about the next installment of the improv class saga…well, it’s still lame. Last night it was determined that the teacher is A) surrounded by a misty odor not dissimilar to that of a dead salmon, and B) That he’s not very good at explaining things. How hard is it to explain, say, pretending to wait for a bus? Well, too hard for this guy, who, by the way was wearing the exact same outfit today as last week. This outfit consists of a pair of round, Bob Balaban-esque glasses, a shirt that’s a little to art deco to be considered a Hawaiian shirt (perhaps a Miami shirt?) some cargo shorts and some Velcro sandals. He wears a wedding ring, Hmmm. Anyway, class sucked but I was able to get a quick drink with some of the people in the class after work, and they seem okay, so god damn it, I think I’ll go back again next week. This is getting to be too much. My self esteem is already quite put upon by being barely employed, cloistered in my house, the less favorite parent of my child, getting old, the constant barrage of self reflection that comes with having too much free time, my lack of patience with others and the realization that all the pieces of my life are kind of in place ie, there’s not much more to it than this. Now, I really love my setup, but it’s a new frame of mind to get in when “when I grow up I’m gonna…”gets replaced with “Oh shit, I’m a grown up and all I’ve done is…” anyway, I digress. My point is, the improv class is too much to bear. My psyche is crumbling just thinking about going back there. It’s brutal.
My baby is in the next room becoming extinct, meaning he’s making noise and crying and shit when he should be napping, and I’m not supposed to go in there. Once again, brutal. You try this exercise some time. Make yourself some coffee, then sit down in your underwear and type out a list of things that bum you out while a baby screams in the background. Oh shit! He just went up to mach 5 with the screaming. I hear you, dude. Welcome to life. Guess what? It only gets crappier.
You know what’s a good drug I left off the list?

You can get this stuff if you’re afraid to fly, which I am. I only get it before big trips, like to Australia or Europe or something, but it’s great. A big Xanax and a glass of wine and the last thought before you pass out is usually something like ‘man, fuck it. I don’t even give a shit if this plane crashes.’ That’s mellow.

The baby stopped. This means he’s either A) sleeping or B) dead. I’m really, really, really hoping for A. if it’s B, the real problems of the extinction method are kind of showing themselves. I think I have to go check on him, which is a bad idea….ah, he just made a little beep of a sound and the baby monitor picked it up. Go A.

What do you order at a fast food restaurant? It’s an interesting question, actually. I rarely eat fast food, usually only when devastatingly hung over or in an airport, and even then it’s a rarity. It’s worth noting though, that I have some serious go-to favorites that are unrelenting, fast food wise. Quick list before I go shower, perhaps?

McDonalds- I get a double cheeseburger. If I’m starving, I may also get a six piece with hot mustard. I don’t really do fries or shit like that. Mostly just the double chee.

BK- Again, double cheeseburger. I don’t know which one I like better. It’s a mood thing, for sure. I do love the BK one, as it tastes WAY more like an actual burger than the mcdonalds one, which kind of tastes like a beef sweetroll. Sometimes I’ll get chicken fries from BK, just cuz it’s so fucked up that they even have those.

Taco bell- Bean burrito with sour cream, soft taco supreme, beef burrito thing from that new blue menu, any sort of exciting temporary item that’s really just one of these other things in a slightly different geometric shape. I’ll get two items at taco bell from the above list. After two items, my stomach will be bloated and full, and I’ll want another two items so badly that it’s all I can do to not turn the car around. Taco bell is like crack. It makes you feel like shit, it makes your skin bad, it makes you crap your pants, but fuck if you can stop.

Wendys- I’m not a fan. I guess I’d get a junior bacon cheeseburger, but I wouldn’t enjoy it. I like those frosties though. Yum.

White Castle- Five cheeseburgers. That’s right.

In n Out- Double double, hold the jesus, please

Jack in the Box- Ultimate cheeseburger is so fucking good! I’ll also get a taco, just to see the look on the face of whomever I’m with when they say “dude, did you just get a fucking taco from Jack in the Box?”

What’s left? Who cares. I’m bored. Oh and to the person who hasn’t had sex sober in over a year and wondered if that’s okay. Yeah, that’s what not being sober is for. Sober sex is for your little brother and his friends who have more access to pussy then they do to beer. No one else has it. Drunk sex is the only sex. Even people who think they have sex sober are usually either buzzed (read: drunk girls who don’t like to admit that they always get drunk and bone) or hungover (read: morning sex). So, yeah. Who cares if you’re always drunk when you fuck? That’s a good way to bust out the “uh, ever think about you know, the butt” or something like that, too. It can help everyone to relax, which can help them have more fun. Also, young dudes, the booze will give you a staying power you thought only porn stars had. Now, I’m in no way endorsing getting drunk and taking advantage of people, people. I’m just saying, next time you find yourself fucking, look around. Everyone’s drunk already. Nice. Hope I cleared that up for you. Okay, next stop, shower.


grilled cheese said...

You write a lot about booze and sex, but have never addressed one obvious correlation between the two: whiskey dick. Do you have any sage wisdom or anecdotes about whiskey dick?

PS I am dying to hear more about the Adam Sandler/Robbie Hart dude in your improv class...how's that working out for him?

mediocore said...

You seriously need to make sure you get your Double Doubles "animal style." You'll never eat them plain again.

AlexCanteen said...

Fast food of choice has got to be Mighty Taco-local Western NY (think Buffalo) institution. Twice the food Taco Bell is for much less coin, and the same addictive nature.

natebutter said...

One bad thing about drunk sex is not being able to gage, "how drunk is she?" I was in the middle of one of the hottest sexual encounters of my life when I was nearly vomited on. And though it's probably a raging trend among kiddies these days it's not really my thing. Thank God I saw that look on her face and was relaxed drunk enough to be able to dive out of the way. I still go for it every drunk chance I get though.

Keri said...

Carl's Jr.? I'm partial to the "temporary" chilli cheeseburger

AT! said...

i was wondering if you have heard about hoffspace and what your feelings towards david hasselfhoff running his own social networking website are?

Kelly said...

I can't even remember the last time I had drunk sex...wait a minute, I get your point.

Anonymous said...

Sorry, I'm pretty sure the dad is bound to be liked at least a tiny bit less than the mom...unless you learn to lactate.
And, why don't you just do like the Office did at improv and ruin every scene by pulling out a gun?
And, finally, BK has the most fucked up chicken. They have those chicken fries that look almost more like a chicken's dick than a fry. And their chicken nuggets are shaped like crowns, but look more like a chicken's foot.

Cripsycarlos said...

Brendan, I'm from Minneapolis, and I'm planning on risking my sanity to travel out to Chicago for Oct. 18th to watch ya play. I only have two questions....One, will Mr. Andriano or Mr. McCaughan be playing the show? two, what bar do you bartend at, because I would like to show up there at sometime over the course of that weekend. Thanks for your time Mr. BK

Anonymous said...

well thats good advice for people who manage to have sex drunk, and/or sober. But I often get drunk and find myself managing to screw up, and ultimately not getting laid. I mean the opportunity has been there multiple times, but I just can't finish the job. Any advice?

*note i haven't tried the "these balls won't gargle them self" method.

Jim Ludes- Grundy/ Will County REALTOR said...

Absolutely love this blog. Found it this evening and read every post...yet I've never read a word of The Catcher in the Rye?!?!

I used to freak out with my kids during nap time- I'd have to check them all the time to make sure they didn't go 'B'....also, I quit my awesomely underpaying gig as a middle school teacher to stay at home with them so they weren't inappropriately fondled at the ol' day care and they defintely like my wife more....but at least I put on like 30 pounds and got high blood pressure!

Nicotine Junkie said...

I feel like I'm missing out, we don't have half those fast food places in England!
Drunk sex has got me through a lot of bad times...

Steven said...

You and Burger King share the same initials, so it's fate that you go there.

eugene herbert wallis said...

ive got to say subway is the greatest fast food place ever, i say that having stayed in there for 12 hours on a sugar high from free refills and a single sandwhich.

The sandwhich tasted dam fine too.