Tuesday, August 5, 2008

steve langford has a huge penis

Well, yeah, so I had the first of my new term of Improv classes yesterday, and let’s just say my teacher was like the Bob Balaban character from Mighty Wind and the ‘eccentric’ republican woman in the class (wearing an outfit so outlandish that Andre 3000 would laugh out loud) picked a fight with him when he suggested that people might want to take off their shoes before we play tag. Yes, we played tag. I can’t take it any more. I’m gonna give that class one more chance, then fuck it. I’m done. Too soul crushing.
My baby is currently farting up a storm. He farts like a full sized guy, which is hilarious, especially when he’s being held by an unsuspecting person who carries themselves with dignity. Imagine my aunt (just for example) trying to explain that the echoing blast of a fart that just stalled every conversation in the room came out of the little tiny baby she’s holding and not her. Funny.
Last night there were tornadoes in Chicago. That’s not something you hear about every day. I mean, California gets earthquakes as punishment for all the leeway they give the gays, the rural Midwest gets floods and tornadoes for taking some sort of mongo pride their xenophobic blissful ignorance, the south gets hurricanes for all the underage fucking and the east coast get those hilarious accents for harboring all the jews, right?…I mean, that’s the way I thought god had it all worked out. Chicago gets the shitty winter and the horrible realization that 80% of the people out there think we’re on the eastern seaboard, despite being the third largest city in the US. Oh, and Texas gets to be fat…did I mention how fat Texas is? Why, you might even say a Texan gut is it’s own sovereign republic, just expanding and expanding over the straining rio grande of a belt, complete with a pokey longhorn buckle. Ah, but i digress...
Right, so I guess we did wrong in the eyes of god or something, because last night, two or three tornadoes touched down in Chicago. Thankfully I was in the ‘safe zone’ that only improv can offer, but my wife and baby were at home, huddled in the closet. I felt like a real dick. I was tossing an imaginary ball around a room with a bunch of dorks (including a guy who just impersonates adam sandler, like all the time, not just when acting. Even on break, standing by the soda machine, he’s just chilling, being Robbie from the Wedding Singer…it’s hilariously sad. I guess he’s a stand up wanna be, and he just doesn’t have any ideas…he’s like the comedic equivalent of one of those bands that just shamelessly apes the rolling stones…but way sadder, because he’s not getting laid. Don’t ask me how I know, I just do) while my family huddled, terrified in a small room filled with my underwear. Pretty lame, Millhouse, even for you.
So, yesterday’s post (Anal is the new Vaginal) dealt briefly with some things I like. I got all kinds of letters about this, and I feel compelled to respond. Now, most of you probably don’t need this kind of explanation given, as you can, you know, read, and therefore bring a certain level of cognition and comprehension to the table, so to you lot, sorry, bear with me while I get the dummies in the class up to speed.
That list was in no way supposed to be all encompassing, people. “You’re from Chicago. How can you not like hot dogs? Where’s bacon on that list? PBR? What gives?” Who said I didn’t like hot dogs? Do you honestly think that if I was going to list THE top twelve things that I like most in this world that dinosaurs and toupees would really be on that list? Okay, so for the record, yes I like other things that are not on the list. These were just SOME of the things I like.
Now, not to belabor the point, but if I did a list of the things I truly like most in the world, it would be so sappy and dull that I wouldn’t even have the patience to read it.
What’s on there: wife, baby, friends, dogs, bicycle, family, assortment of rainbow colored collectors dildos from the ‘On Golden Pond’ premiere. You see my point? It’s boring. Everyone likes bacon, and everyone should like hot dogs. So, yeah, in the interest of covering everything, here’s a list of things I don’t give a shit about, one way or the other. It’s comprehensive. There’s absolutely nothing on this earth or in this universe that I don’t have an opinion on if it’s not on this list:
Things I don’t give a shit about:
The environment
Barbie collectors
Race Relations
The AIDS epidemic in Africa and Black America
My family’s well being
Health Care
Pet grooming
Privatized prisons
Shit fetishists
Victory Records
The Iraq war
Dumb hillbillies ruining America’s status in the world
Foreign relations
Guys with big dicks
Guys with boomerang shaped dicks
The roadie for paul simon
Paul Mitchell Salons
Crest vs. Colgate
Roe vs. Wade
My appearance
Locking my doors
What I eat
Fellatio vs head- which one’s the better name for dicksucking?
Prince Charles
Prince Albert
Fat Albert
Macaroni and Cheese
Marconi and Chasez
America’s best Dance Crew
Motley Crue
Crew Pomade
The number seven
Pituitary glands
The remake of Alvin and the Chipmunks
Monkeys dressed as millionaires smoking cigars
The United Nations
The Klan
The isle of man
And finally…
Two of the Jonas brothers.
That is all.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Until later,


Candice said...

you don't seem like the improv type but what the hell do i know. are you planning a foray into porn? you may just be the next big (or average or baby-sized?) thing.

Ms. K said...

Someone taking improv making fun of people taking improv -- I love it! Continue, please.

And don't get all sappy in your posts. We know you love your wife and baby (and hot dogs, apparently). But it's much more entertaining to read your insights into deeper topics... such as cheese.

Anonymous said...

How can dinosaurs not be one of your very favorite things ever? For one, they make evangelicals come up with stories about the Devil creating dinosaur bones in a factory to throw everyone off from believing in god.

Daniel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Some Young Guy said...

this blog confuses me.

you don't care about guys with big dicks but the title of your blog involves a guy with a big dick? why do you talk about porn so much if you don't have an opinion on it? you don't give a shit about shit fetishes?

you don't give a shit about gentrification, AIDS or your family's wellbeing?

which jonas brother didn't make your list?

monkeys dressed as millionaires smoking cigars don't move you in ANY WAY??

Greg said...

this is my obviously serious response to your obviously not-so-serious blog entry.

shit, i kinda blew it didn't i? fuck.

Anonymous said...

true story. i walk into a Brooklyn italian-run cafe shit today, and the bane of all new yawk accents were stored there. Cesspools of Brooklyn and Queens accents with a touch of mexican pubic-talk on the top for flavor. (and yes penis hair can be combined with speech to produce one fucked up "Kenning").

Anonymous said...

Cheers Brendan!

p.s. you watched the teen choice awards didn't you?

P.S Don't Write said...


Anonymous said...

oh, I'm sorry, didn't I tell you? My plans for my birthday were to nurse a hangover while huddling alone in the hallway of my apartment and listening to the robotic serenades of the National Weather Service computer woman on a weather radio.

I should have let you know in between shots #2 and #3 of birthday insanity on Sunday night. My bad. -SJ

AT! said...

you are in adult kindergarten.
that is not an improv class. trust me, i've taken them and even taught one.