Monday, August 11, 2008

Don't you recognize your sam?

TGIM everyone. Welcome back to another installment in the endless series of soul crushing, mind numbing spirit snapping exercises designed to waste your precious few moments on this earth. I had a crappy night at work. I don’t even want to talk about it. I got a question from a guy who’s about to become a bartender and he wants to know some tips for being a great bartender. I have a few. These are real tips, not snarky jokes, so please treat them as gospel. Okay

Always acknowledge someone as soon as you see them. This sounds stupid, but nothing is more annoying than sitting at a bar, dying of thirst while some dildo bartender just goes on with their conversation or lime cutting or just standing there, staring blankly forward. You can get a lot of mileage out of “hey man, I’ll be with you in a minute.” For real.

Charge your friends for drinks. You don’t have to give them the nine dollar jack and coke that your bar wants you to charge, but make ‘em reach into their wallets a couple of times. That way, they’ll remember that they have to tip you something. And come on, you’re the one pouring them shots and getting them drunk. It’s reasonable to expect a little return. Conversely, if you’re a friend of a bartender and you’re drinking all night or whatever and they aren’t really charging you, what’s a good tip? If you’ve had a full night of drinking, and it’s been almost free, you should be putting down at least a twenty. If that’s too expensive, buy a sixer and stay home.

Let people drink as much as they want as long as they’re nice, and not bugging everyone else. Oh, so what. He’s wasted, big deal. That’s what whiskey does. Don’t cut people off when they’re drunk. Who cares if they’re talking loud, or slurring? If they pass out, well, they can’t drink anymore anyway. Pull ‘em out onto the sidewalk. Conversely, if someone’s bugging your other customers, or telling you to fuck yourself or anything like that, kick their asses out right away, drunk or not. Being drunk shouldn’t be the crime in a bar, being an asshole should.

Uh, don’t get so drunk that you fuck up the money- Obvious one right? You get a lot of leeway as a bartender, don’t fuck it up by messing with the bottom line. You know who suffers for that? You, and your fellow bartenders and your friends and everyone. So keep your shit together when you work. Fuck, it’s a job, after all. Save getting wasted for after work, or when your friend is bartending and you’re on the other side of the bar.

That’s everything. You’re all now master bartenders. Congratulations. That’s actually the entirety of a bartender college curriculum. Little secret, there’s no such thing as a fuzzy navel or a midori sour, it’s just shit that the bartending college cabal made up to get your tuition money. Now, get out there and get me drunk!
I want to make a list about drugs. I don’t know if I’m blowing my wad by doing this on a Monday, but I think it will be fun. Here’s a guide to drugs by Brendan Kelly

This shit is dangerous, kids. One minute you’re laughing about something funny that happened at the baroque choral performance over a glass of chardonnay, and the next you’re waking up in a random lawn with bloody knuckles, a sticky dick and no jacket. If you’ve ever had one too many cocktails, you’ve got some sort of embarrassing memory that will forever make you cringe and make a little noise every time you think of it. Be careful. Oh, and it makes you horny, or at least dumb enough to think fucking him/her/it is a good idea, so watch your dicks and pussies when you’re boozing. That’s where babies come from, son.

You smoke it, and it either makes you zone out completely or makes your mind race like crazy. I’m in the second camp. I can’t smoke weed because it makes me panic. Whatever, this isn’t about me. Weed is like the nerf ball of drugs. Yeah, it’s illegal, and yeah, it gets you fucked up, but if your grandma found it, she’d be like “stewart, is this your weed? I wish you wouldn’t do that stuff” and then give it back to you. If it’s not wigging out your grandma, it’s not much of a drug, Side effects of weed include being a shirtless dickweed like matthew Mcconahay and saying dumb shit about the celestial vortex and shit like that.

Mushrooms/ acid
You know when you have those moments of clarity; when you look in the mirror and go “holy shit! I’ve gotten fat” or you’re replaying some old conversation and you realize “man, I’m a selfish dickhead”? Now imagine being stuck in that moment for seven hours. That’s these. You better like yourself, starchild, cuz you’ll be spending lots of time in your brain.

Ecstasy- So, the night you’re on E, your entire body feels like an orgasm, and everything is a ten. Everyone is good looking. The room is beautifully designed. The dog is SO good. The beach boys are CRIMINALLY UNDERRATED! Oh, man! It’s just swell, guys! The next day, your entire body feels like a violated asshole, and you’re more depressed than you’ve ever, ever been. This lasts for three days. Wheee!

You know your one friend who’s kind of yellow and he’s always covered with a thin sheen of sweat? He shits a lot and he’s always cracking inappropriate jokes and he’s super happy one second and then something just sets him off? He’s on coke. What a cool drug. Jeez.

Like coke guy, but either gay or toothless. This is the drug that you do when you think just letting rats nibble your dick off is too boring and casual of a way to destroy yourself. Well, actually, that’s exactly the kind of thing that happens to people who are fucked up on meth. This shit is scary. Who wants to be high for four straight days? Ugh…no thank you. Word to the wise, for whatever reason, if you’re in a gay bar, and someone offers you coke, it’s at least got a forty percent chance of being meth. This also holds true in a roadhouse. I don’t know what it is about this drug that attracts the two ends of the personal appearance spectrum, but if you’re doing meth, you’re either a beautiful gay dude, or some creep covered in sores that lurks around the dumpsters at the Wendy’s.

It’s one of those things, right? You’re either gonna do heroin or not. I don’t think people get into heroin with a “hey, I’ll just casually party with some heroin here and there” kind of attitude. People kind of have an idea of what the lifestyle of a junkie is. Shitting explosively every six days, not eating, sleeping, drool, totally out there music. The cool thing about heroin is that one in every three users wakes up at the end of a big bender with model-quality good looks. It’s true.

There are kids in aftrica who get high off of poop. They shit and piss in a jar and then put a balloon over the top of the jar and leave it in the sun. The gas from the shit/pee mix fills up the balloon after a while and then you inhale it. Apparently it makes you hallucinate and really, really, really trip out. Huh. Kind of makes you feel like an entitled prick for complaining about your friend’s crappy weed the other day, huh?

I’m going to the post office. Drugs are bad everyone. Xo.


Anonymous said...

So I came to the realization the other week that I haven't had sex sober in almost a year. Would you say that's a good thing or a bad thing?

P.S Don't Write said...

I have the worst trouble getting served at bars. I think it might have something to do with the fact that I'm a 5ft tall female who looks about 16. Bartenders just leave me standing there like a tool. It's so annoying. Why do they do this to me, Beex?

Anonymous said...

you missed a few...

gasoline sniffers, new-shoe-smell horders, and those experts that know every wood known to man by its smell.

Anonymous said...

Drugs are bad huh? I'm glad you said that, makes me feel a little better for some odd reason.

And I never would've guessed you bartended. I did at one point in time, but quit due to my social retardation.

lostandclowned said...

Over the James or Dixie?

Anonymous said...

Meth being bad is hammered into your brain if you live in Oregon. They have this commercial with this overweight lady talking about how she used to do meth and drive by her kid's school at like 2 in the morning and cry that she didn't know her kid...and then at the end it is happy because she has been sober for like a month and she got her kid back. And the kid hops in the minivan and says "hey mom". And all I can think is that kid has to be pretty embarassed and ruined for the rest of his life to be on TV with his mom saying she is some methhead.

artielovescupcakes said...

Ok I have a question for you but its off this topic. When Meatloaf sings I will do anything for love but I won't do that. What does THAT mean??? I think maybe a threesome he won't do or getting something put in his ass but I was curious to what you think it is thanks man!!!

mediocore said...


Robb said...

I would LOVE to see grainy documentary footage of this poop thing. Not so much the actual defecation, but rather just the filling and subsequent inhalation of the balloons and ensuing abhorrent behavior. Does that make me sick, or just an asshole?

I kid, of course. I wouldn't settle for grainy 16mm; I need to see this shot on the latest and greatest industry grade HD cameras Sony has to offer; piped in over DiscoveryHD Theater at the nearest Best Buy Magnolia station.

Anonymous said...

hey brendan what's your advice for new bands on tour? you've logged some good hours on the road, so what are the do's and don't?

Anonymous said...

Weed makes me feel like a molester van is coming to get me. Yes, I pegged the phrase "molester van" one night when I was driving home through Tennessee country roads while I was higher than a kite.

Even worse than thinking some sort of made up thing called a molester van was out to get me was the fact I was driving home high back to my parents' house. Clearly your parents are the last people you want to see when you're high and paranoid.

Suzanne said...

That poop thing was a rumor some idiot kid started at

I used to help run the place, and yeah, 90% of the users there are 14 year old boys with too much hostility and way too much time on their hands.. the other 10% are all building bombs or making meth.

Anonymous said...

Well this headline is from Lord of the Rings. I know this only because I was a fucking huge dork in 8th grade.