Friday, August 1, 2008

TGImotherfuckingF...oh wait, I work tomorrow. Shit.

Once again, it’s the morning. What a dreadful time of day. Who came up with the idea of having boogers in your EYES? Christ. I’ve got to take this baby to day care, which is right up the road, so that’s not bad. He’s currently on an activity gym making very put-upon noises. I drank a little last night, but miraculously, the result was that I slept soundly and so I’m actually less assily calibrated than if I hadn’t. Take that Jesus!
Well, this is going to have to be quick. That baby is pissed. Lists are a great way to create something immensely readable without having to think about it at all. So, I’m going to do a list. Looking over my mission statement (the first entry, “Hello Blogosphere”) I’ve realized that my sassy, no nonsense advice has been doled out, my sex and child rearing blogging has become a reality and my only real avenue of purported media to explore is the celebrity thing. So without any further ado, I present (in no particular order) ten celebrities I absolutely can’t stand.

Tommy Lee- Jesus Christ, could this guy be worse, please? If I wanted a fifty year old dressing like my eighth grade nephew and talking like Jamie Kennedy from Malibu’s Most Wanted I’d go…well, to a Motley Crue concert, I guess. Huh, maybe he’s perfect. I mean, every woman, if pressed admits that they find Tommy Lee to be pretty attractive, and we all know that his dick has a license to drive a boat. Maybe I’m just jealous. Oh, wait, no. He’s a fucking mongaloid. He named his kids Brandon and Dylan, people. That’s the two male leads of 90210!!!! Is that demented? Yes. Is he retarded? Yes. Does he most certainly have herpes? Ladies, I’m looking at you here. The answer, of course: Come on. Also, if you read the motley crue book, he makes Vince Neil sound intelligent and witty. That’s a real feat.

Haley Joel Osment- I know, this is like hating TAB or Pepsi Free or anything that hasn’t been around in forever, but, am I the only one who finds this little dude to be creepy? He got arrested with weed recently, as if that’s going to make me believe he’s not a robot. Nice try handlers! Also, this Hollywood trend of having your middle name first and your first name second makes me want to fling poo.

Rosie Odonnel- I’m a man. All men hate Rosie.

Maury Povich- This guy is the worst man on the planet. His freakshow masquerading as sympathetic journalism preys on retarded people, deformed kids, the uneducated and impoverished. He’s the human equivalent of a shit log that has mutated to the point that it can suck your blood.

Nancy Grace- All humans should hate her. God.

Perez Hilton- I go to his website every day, but man, does it get any worse than this guy? He thinks that celebs have to pander to the media and goes on tirades if they try to avoid getting their photos taken. He’s creepy. He’s vindictive. He’s a successful blogger who makes a living at it. Wait, oh, I’m just jealous again. Bring me a hot pocket and some astroglide, perezicous!

Heath Ledger- Yeah, that’s right. Fuck him. Why not? I’m sick of hearing about it. Sure, he seems cool, and yeah, he’s good looking and talented, but man, enough’s enough. He’s dead. Deal with it. Guess who else is going to die. You.

Angelina Jolie and that guy she fucks- Fuck these two so completely. I don’t care what their thing is, how humanitarian they seem, how ravishing they look together when they fly their spaceships to earth for the weekend to attend movie premiers, whatever they’re doing for kids (by the way, such a dumb cheap joke…”They adopt tons of kids…HA HA HA.” Yeah, they do. It doesn’t make it funny just to say it. [take note stand up comedians]) These two are bad actors who have, between the two of them barely ever been in a successful movie. Oh, and he’s from Springfield Mo. My dad and brother are from there, and they’re both total pervs. Just sayin.

Jim Carrey- So terrible. So just completely terrible.

That’s enough for now. I look forward to revisiting this topic in the near future. All of you enjoy your Fridays.


John Barrett said...

Nancy Grace is walking human garbage.

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lostandclowned said...

yeah, it's lame that people still focus on his death rather than his acting. what'd you think of The Dark Knight?

Hugo said...

Have you met Ashley Blue yet?

Suzanne said...

I think you're the only other person I've ever heard mention that they hate Jim Carrey. I'm sorry, but just because his face has some weird silly putty thing going on does not make him funny. Not even slightly funny, just really quite irritating and creepy.

Also, with regards to your last post, I feel your pain. I work in a restaurant, and it amazes me constantly how dumb customers are, and how dumb they think I am just because I bring them food and alcohol for money. Yesterday, I waited on 5 ridiculous 40 something women, who felt that it was necessary to tell me five times in a row that they needed separate checks. What part of "Ok, sure thing, not a problem" is so hard to understand that they had to keep repeating it? It's not like my job is so complicated that they gave me a completely unusual request I couldn't handle.
How do you avoid homicide in the workplace when customers are rude and dumb at you? What do you do when someone asks you to smell their whiskey because they think it tastes like tequila? (Yeah, that new dark dark brown tequila)..


Matt Baldwin said...

it's nice to see someone else can't stand jim carrey as well

flocksea said...

oh man. heath ledger. i thought i was alone on that opinion.

M said...

I hate Jim Carrey in everything but Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and I think that has more to do with my infatuation with Kate Winslet than anything else.

Jerky said...

Kate Winslet is a goddess