Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Yall, I thought Europe WAS a country!

So there’s all this hullabaloo about Jerry Finn, punk rock music producer extraordinaire, dying, but it’s coming from all sorts of strange spots, like some hipster forum out of Williamsburg (by the way, hipsters, having an internet forum [SUBJEKTS: what kind of mustache are we bringing back next? I think we should all start dressing like matadors, lol, does everyone think pineapples can really replace unicorns? Music played with instruments is the new music played with computers, in that, it’s so fucking pathetic that I want to just sigh loudly], pretty passé. You should be on to something new by now, like smoke signals, or hiding your plans for getting everyone back into headbands in six concurrent headlines of Newsweek or something….anyway.) and then from some random other forum about music technology. It all seemed fishy to me. Then Billboard posted on it, and I was like, woah, Jerry Finn is dead! But as I sit here, I’m realizing, that’s not really that terribly credible of a source either. Now, I’m not doubting he’s dead, but I’m just saying I thought Finn was a big enough public figure that he’d be mentioned by, you know, some actual news outlets/ publications. I mean, that kid from Hawthorne Heights was all over the place. He even got his picture on Perez Hilton, for fucks gargles, and I gotta think people care at least that much about finn, right? Hey, maybe he’s not dead. Good work, Williamsburg hipsters, you’ve done it again. You’ve fooled the bigwigs at the bad sandwich chronicles and news teams. Heads will roll!
Nah, whatever, I didn’t/don’t know Jerry Finn, and the reality or fabrication of his death isn’t really important to me. (Listen to me, I don’t care. Please, no writing in with “he’s dead” or ‘he’s alive”. I don’t care.) I’m just smarting from the sting of finding out that the African kids getting high on shit thing wasn’t real. Man! That burns me up inside. Well, it’s a funny thing, I guess, because a huge, HUGE part of me is so incredibly happy that that’s not really a thing. It can’t get sadder than a bunch of kids in crappy tattered loincloths, all dirty and covered in flies, starving with distended bellies, dodging lions and drinking sewer water just to kill their thirst, topping off the whole sad affair by getting high on poo. What’s next? Plague? Warlords and genocide replete with gangrapes? Oh, wait.
Yeah, they’ve got it pretty bad over in Africa, so I’m glad they aren’t getting high on shit too. Hopefully they’re just huffing paint and cutting off their air supply and drinking Scope like Native American teenagers.
Some quick answers to some quick questions I’ve gotten from kids:

Do’s and Don’ts for touring bands:
Have as much fun as possible
Get along with your band members
Make an effort to play well no matter how few people are at the show

Demand things from people
Expect anything to come of you touring, ever.

There you go. Happy trails. What else? Someone wanted to know my thoughts on whiskey dick. Man, that’s like a breathalyzer for your penis. If you’re so drunk you’d just throw up/pass out, god stops your penis from working. If you must do the deed, and won’t heed gods advice, I suggest taping a toothbrush to the bottom of your dick, kind of like a brace. Works like a charm.
Hmmm…what else? Man, I don’t know what to think about the poo thing, or the Jerry finn thing. I think I’m beginning to question the validity of the things I read on the internet. The fifties of the internet are over, kids. No more picket fences around your porn and black milkmen bringing you email. No more big tailfins on your virtual poker tables and no more soda jerks down at the live webcams. The internet is getting weird, finally. Who knows what’s gonna be on here some day. Men kissing men? A horse and a pig having sex with a crackhead? Someone making bums fight each other? The future is a strange place, man.
Okay, so according to Google, at this point, more and more news sources are reporting Finn is dead. Such news behemoths as and I gotta get my mind on something else. If I lose faith in the internet, then I’m fucked. I’m up the fucking Mekong without a lookout, if you catch my meaning.
How about this:
What’s wrong with the Spanish basketball team? I mean, I’m so glad they did that, because it’s one of the most profoundly stupid, ill-advised things that a large group of supposedly intelligent people have all decided (somehow) wasn’t the most idiotic thing that could possibly be done in a given situation since we re-elected the president. At least these guys aren’t American. I’m pretty sick of how dumb we look/act these days. And I’m super duper pissed that there’s actually a movement in this country (thank you very much Bush, Larry the Cable guy, Foxworthy, Fergie, etc, etc, etc,etc) that purports that ignorance is the way to go. Being stupid and just keeping it simple is the American way! Since when? Last time I checked, this country was formed by a shady cabal of pissed off, revolutionary renaissance men. Revoloutionaries who were informed, angry, capable and interested in pushing things forward, not stagnating, not regression. My band had a bus driver who was actually so stupid that he believed that shopping at Wal Mart was good for America. (He also had never done laundry and still lived with his mom at 42). We tried to explain to him that Walmart thrived on foreign goods at the expense of American jobs and industry (look no further than rubber maid if you need an example) and all he said was “I ain’t interested in any fancy politics. Walmart is good, simple American folks, and I’m a-shoppin there.” Well, without getting any more into this, thanks Spanish basketball team, for doing something really really stupid. I’m sure we’ll return the favor soon.
Okay, I’m off to play with this baby. He needs some tummy time. Till the future!

Now, Reuters has picked up the story, so I get it, he's dead. thank god! Everything on the internet is still true! Also, How bout a little contest. Where do my headlines come from? Write in and tell me. Each one (with a few exceptions) is a famous quote. No googling please, only studious...ah, who am i kidding? There are no prizes anyway. Get fucked, new generation of wise asses.


Anonymous said...

That spanish basketball team said something like "well, we thought it was a stupid idea because it seemed so corny..." and then they said something about "if we were playing against a tall team and posed standing on our tip toes, that wouldn't be offensive". These things they are saying are even stupider than the fact that they actually agreed to pose for that picture.

Danny Cohn said...

im gonna say that you title was from that idiot beauty queen?

artielovescupcakes said...

Steve langford has a huge penis come on Stern. I always wondered what you thought of howard stern?? The East coast eats his shit up, i've been listening to him for 18 glorious years

tyler said...

"Don't you recognize your Sam?" is taken from the climactic/homoerotic scene from The Two Towers. Samwise Gamgee.

"Honest to blog?" was from Juno.

Not too sure about the others.

AJ said...

Did you witness the winning move from George W at the Olympics...yeah the fucktard held the American flag, ahem, backwards towards the athletes...his daughter had to tell him to turn it around...that was a gut buster. Perhaps that's a new infomercial product..."Just take a look at your neighbor and laugh at him. He's living in this country, he should understand."..thoughts?

JoBros (very famous.) said...

The title today is from Kellie Pickler on Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader, y'all. And a couple of days ago was a Dead Milkmen reference.

And did you see the guy from Cute is What We Aim For's nudes? Hilarious.

LauraN said...

I think yesterdays title was from Liar Liar.


hi ho hi ho is from Snow White and the seven dwarfs, Reality Show Clip Time is from The Soup and Suck Me Beautiful is from American Pie. I feel lame for knowing these answers.

Andrew said...

oh shit yeah that picture of the spanish was the funniest thing i've seen in awhile.

anyway brendan, while you're talking politics. What's your opinion on decision 2008? I saw a funny bumper sticker the other day that read "John McCain: Bush's Third Term"
ain't that the truth. I would use this opportunity to plug my blog but i guess i'll pass

Anonymous said... this is a stupid advice thing. I'm 17. I'm a girl. I already have that obligatory hatred for my small town upbringing and I only have a few friends. I don't really have anything in common with the people I used to talk to. I listen to a lot of music and read a lot. I'm also bad with relationships, seeing as I can't seem to find anyone who 'likes' me or likes anything I do. I'm not hideous or anything, just bad at meeting people. So any tips (ie: where I could go to meet people with similar interests) to improving my social life?

Anonymous said...

If it ain't a ghostbusters quote, then I don't give a shit.

grilled cheese said...

Shit sandwich = This is Spinal Tap. (brilliant)

What ARE the ten signs he's cheating on me?

Tape a toothbrush to your dick? Come on! Maybe a tongue depressor...but a toothbrush? Hmmm, I guess if the cooter needs cleaning too...double duty.

Suzanne said...

I apologize for almost destroying your faith in the internet.

I'll try not to do it again..